I exited the elevator to our floor. Sigh. Is there any excuse that I could pull out to avoid seeing Kuroneko today?
I don't know why but it's just too hard to face her right now.
I had been avoiding looking straight into her eyes as much as I could. But if we have dinners together, it will become obvious.
It's not like I was embarrassed about that night.
More like because every time I looked at Kuroneko's face, that image of her bounded up, being in a slight mess, looking up directly at me, while was begging me to stop…. just kept reappearing...
But worse is this complicated feeling inside of me… I don't know how to describe it. But it's almost like a desire. Of wanting to reach deeper and deeper into that white skin, mess the inside of her body up, taint her inner soul with the filth of my hands, before watching her corrupted body slowly wither…
…ah….
Did all of Kuroneko chuuni mumbo-jumbo finally got into my brain? What was I thinking just now…?
Anyway
I finally was just steps away from our apartment front door….
Let's just go in. Ayase, since when have you became so weak?
No, I can't
I can't. I can't. I can't
I should run away from here first. Then I can think of excuses later.
I will face her tomorrow. I only need a bit more time. That's all
As I turned away, kept my head down and headed back toward the elevator, a voice could be heard from directly in front of me…..
"Where do you think you are going? Ayase….?"
I slowly raised my head. And just several metres in front of me, standing Kuroneko….
In her hand was a bag from nearby convenient store …
And she was not smiling.
Ah… she caught me …
….
"So… Ayase…."
I was kneeling Seiza-style in the living room. Eyes glancing toward the floor
In front of me was Kuroneko, sitting on a bench sofa with both her arms and leg cross.
"Why have you been avoiding me…?"
"I was….just…"
"…"
"…"
I could not think of any fitting excuse for it
Kuroneko sigh.
"Regarding those rituals, I thought we already agreed to fully share our thoughts over any concerns? "
"No, It's not that, it was because…"
"…"
"…"
No I can't tell her that either.
Sigh, what I am even doing… Getting scolded by my roommate like this
"I have been really worried about you these past few days, I was afraid something happened to you. "
"…."
"Ayase…?"
"It's…it's not Kuroneko-san's business anyway…" I muttered
"Oh…?"
Ah, crap. I accidentally blurted it out loud….
"Really. So it's not my business…? "
Kuroneko 's vent was almost popping and twitting out of her forehead. But then suddenly her face was stiffened. Like some thoughts were forming inside of her head. And then THAT happens….
"This is exactly why your best friend left you. "
"Eh..? "
I slowly raised my head; my eyes are wide opened with shocks.
In front of me, Kuroneko cracked the cruellest provoking smile that I have ever seen from her.
"Want me to repeat it again? I said that's why your best friend left you. "
"…Ki…Kirino…? What does she have to do with this…?"
"Everything… Exactly because you kept everything to yourself. That's why Kirino left you…"
"…."
I could not blurt out a single word…
"Sigh. You really were rubbed on by those two selfless idiot siblings. You should have told her 'Kirino, come with me to Meiji Univeristy, I will be too lonely by myself'. That idiot won't ever say no to her friend like that…"
"…"
"Am I wrong?"
",,,"
As I hold onto my silence, Kuroneko even cracked up a more provoked tone…
"But you regretted it, didn't you. You regretted to let her go, didn't you? "
No, you are wrong….
"Oh, can't say anything back. I hit the bull eyes, didn't I…?"
I could no longer content the anger…
"No, it was not true. I never had such selfish thought…."
"… I really did wish for Kirino to go after her onii-san. She was so full of sorrow without him around. So I had given her my full support...Even when…."
No, this's not true. Stop rewriting my thought…
"….Even when I hate it…Even when my dearest friend was leaving me. Even when I no longer will have anyone to look up to anymore…"
I clenched my fists, rising my body up from my kneeling position… almost screamed out loud.
"You don't know anything about me. You don't know how I felt. Stop pretending you do…."
[B]"Of course I do."[/B]
Eh…?
Unexpectedly, facing my full rage was Kuroneko's saddening smile. And a deep sorrow in her eyes.
It was such a drastic change from her earlier provocation's look, that it immediately evaporated my rage…
"Of course I do know. As I felt the same way…"
"…"
"….this is not like the time she left to US, you know. At least back then we still barely know each other…"
"…"
"… how many years have it been since then? How many things have happened between us? You think I won't feel painful when seeing my dearest friend now picking a different path from mine?"
There was such deep sadness in her voice. And that's when I realised it: Kuroneko was right.
She was just like me. In fact she was even closer to Kirino that I did.
Did Kuroneko also experience the same frustration, sadness, disappointment that I had? Did she also selfishly want Kirino to sacrifice her love to stay back with us?
As if could read my thought, she cracked out a mocking smile again:
"Kukukuku, I was not such a fragile girl like you through. My magical defense to that girl's curse is much higher than yours…"
You totally ruined the mood, Kuroneko…
But as soon as she finished her sentence, her face once again stiffened. And this was one of the few times that I ever saw her looking so serious.
"We were really worried about you back then. You know? Kirino… and I."
"…."
Something started to build up over in my throat. Prevent even a single word coming out of it
"Back then, you were also avoiding us like you did now. Didn't even answer our calls. And stopped going to our meetings…"
"…"
"Kirino would have occasionally called me and cried to me in the middle of the night about it…."
"…"
"… so I don't want that to happen again…."
Kuroneko got off her seat, came over, knelt down in front of me, and put a hand onto my cheek. Then she said this with her most sincere smile:
"… I know that I can't replace Kirino…. But I'm here for you..."
"…"
"So please don't keep things for yourself anymore. All right? "
It's not fair, Kuroneko.
What you just did was so like Kirino….
No. That actually was more touching than everything that I ever had experienced ….
What would you do if I really fall for you? You damn denpa girl….
I answered, as tears starting to roll down my cheeks…..
"Yes… "
…..
As the clock ticked to 11:00 mark. I started to switch off the light and head to my futon. Have to wake up early to make breakfast tomorrow too.
Ah… What's a long day.
Scared the freshmen with my introduction at works. Then go home and make a girl younger than me cried like a child. What's a pure lump of evil I have become.
Couldn't be helped through, I was just following what was already written in my Destiny Record.
Ah, I have to call Kirino later and tell her that everything is okay. Called her yesterday asking about Ayase and she was freaked out a bit.
This afternoon, after cried for a while. Ayase started to calm down. We then have a relatively quiet dinner. And I told Ayase that I will take care of the dishes. So she can take bath first and work on her study.
She strangely obediently followed whatever I told her.
I still didn't know why she avoided me in the first place. But at least, it looked like a massive pressure was lifted off her.
As I started to drift into my sleep, there was a knock on my door.
"Ayase…?"
Ayase slightly opened the door and leaned her head in…
"Kuroneko…." She muttered "…can I sleep with you tonight..?"
"Sure . Come in, let me help you to take out the futon…."
"There's no need. I think we can both fit in yours…"
"…"
Ayase took my silence as a grant of permission, and started to move into my futon.
"Good night, Ayase"
"Good night…"
There was not a lot of space so I instinctively turned side way facing away from her.
There was a movement inside the futon, and suddenly I found Ayase burying her face onto to my back. Both of her hands held onto my pajama….
"Ruri-senpai…"
"I told you not to call me th…"
"Please let me call you senpai just for today…!"
"Ah… Okay…"
Ayase tone was so sincere that it stood down my protesting
"Ruri-senpai…."
"…?"
"I'm sorry that I made you and Kirino worried….
"…"
"…also..."
"…"
"You know, I never thought of you as a replacement for Kirino…."
"…I know…"
"And…"
"…."
"I was really really lonely back in those early days of college…."
She sounded like something stuck on her throat.
"That's why… thank you. Thank you for being here for me…" Ayase's hands started to shiver a bit as she held onto my back.
Ah… she realised it…
With Ayase still leaning on my back, the futon was now even more packed as we both stuck to only one side of it
Still
I had a feeling both of us would have sweet dream tonight.
…End of Chapter 6….
