Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Kyo Kara Maoh, this is purely fan-made.
Note: Whoa!This story has already gotten over 1000+ views in only two weeks?! Wow, I'm honored you guys. Anyway, to answer a few things from Stregian'sreview about the video I made, the reason I used the clips from episode 88 of KKM in certain parts without the old film effect was because those are the only scenes that I could find (since I can't seem to be able to find any clips from season 2) that portray Conrad as cold, distant from others, outwardly lonely, and above all else-hiding internal suffering from everyone else behind his cold mask, even from Yosak! Also, after re-watching the video myself, it looks like I need to go back and fix the timing of certain parts of it that got messed up after uploading it. As for anything else you guys may have found confusing, just let me know and I'll try to fix it in the remake of that video. Anyways, here's another chapter for you guys since it seems like you've all been dying for more conyuu action. Although I've just started school again this week so I don't know how often I'll be able to update this story or anything other ones right now from this point on, but I'll do my best to do it as often as possible. At least once a week if I get the chance, maybe more depending on how much free time I have between school and work. In any case, please enjoy this chapter everyone and keep up the great reviews!
Chapter 6: Suffering in Silence
(Breaking the Habit by Linkin Park)
Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight
Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight
I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
To show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight
"Similar? No, that can't be," Conrad said, unsure anymore if he could believe his own words, "I don't kill anyone unless I absolutely have to, especially for His Majesty's sake..."
Seeing the pained expression on Conrad's face, Sara added more gently, "Relax. That isn't what I meant. At least, not in that context. What I meant is that you have a similar history to this man from the legends. You went as far as to brazenly betray Yuri to get close enough to his enemies to steal the Forbidden Boxes from them; even going as far as attacking one of your own friends to deceive King Belar and convince him of your loyalty did you not? So I'm not saying that you are willing to slaughter people without a moment's pause. And I'm sure that Yuri already knows that..." then, becoming more serious again, he placed a hand on his shoulder and explained, "...which brings me to my next point. Now, before I say anything else, I want you to know that what I'm about to tell you isn't your fault. It's just that too much happened in such a short amount of time that Yuri wasn't able to process it all very well-" Alarmed, Conrad stiffened but allowed Sara to finish as he told him, "-and given what horrors he has already seen before in his life, I'm rather surprised that this one shook him so badly. However, I can hardly blame Yuri for having that response because frankly he is just too innocent. He's never seen that kind of true bloodshed before, let alone from you...which is likely why this effected him so strongly. Yuri still doesn't understand the world the way that you and I do, he hasn't seen its dark underbelly-"
"The point is, Lord Weller..." Berias interjected mildly before Sara could finish, but Sara didn't seem to mind so he stepped aside and let him tell Conrad the news himself, "...that I regret to inform you that King Yuri...he has lost his voice due to the traumatic experience of seeing all those men slain in such a violent manner and then finding himself getting covered in their blood. But I believe it's only temporary though, so given time he will recover the use of his voice again."
Averting his gaze, Conrad hissed under his breath, "There is no time..."
~Flashback~
Shortly after they had been brought to Sara's castle for safekeeping before Conrad had regained consciousness, Yuri suddenly woke with a start almost immediately after they arrived and searched around wildly for Conrad, his heart racing frantically. But after finding himself alone, Yuri sat there in a heavy daze while hugging his knees and staring with unfocused eyes at the coral covered blankets covering him. Although Yuri had yet to actually realize where he was right now. Or, better yet, had the will to even wonder about such a trivial thing at this point.
Everything that had happened in the last few days seemed like a dream that he just couldn't wake from. Even now, Yuri wasn't sure what was real and what was just a part of him seeking some sort of comfort in all this; such as being in this room for example. All Yuri knew was that he had just seen about twelve men murdered right in front of him and Conrad standing there, shirtless, and covered in their gore like it was war paint.
And his eyes, Yuri had never seen them so savage before-like a feral beast who had just made a fresh kill of something that had threatened its home or family. It was a ferocity that only those who had something protect had burned into their eyes like a brand. Regardless of how many years have passed for them or how many lives it had ended...
It was those eyes, more than anything else, which had been what frightened Yuri the most.
They didn't belong to Conrad, at least, not the Conrad he knew now. But like Yuri had realized before, Conrad still harbored a great deal of unanswered feelings and secrets regarding his past. Most of his feelings were towards his family, who had once treated him like less than dirt, while the rest was a hidden bitterness that Conrad had once felt towards those who sent him off to battle only to find out after just surviving that horrific battle that he had not been able to save Julia from an untimely death while he was off fighting in a War that he knew that almost no one wanted him to survive.
Who knew that in a dark corner of his heart, Conrad still held some unconscious resentment for their treatment towards him and to everyone else who had been born under the same conditions as himself. Conrad was the one who had seen the true fear in the eyes of each soldier he killed; he was the one who ended so many of the lives of those who cursed his existence just as much as his own race, the Demon Tribe; he had been the one whose hands were stained with blood and his skin branded with scars that shone like banners of honor to him but weakness in the eyes of everyone else for not being strong enough to prevent them; and, he had been the one who had waited for Yuri the longest, longing to meet him and perhaps get the chance he never had with Julia. Only to have the brother that detested him the most steal that chance away as just another of his selfish actions...
Not that Conrad felt this way now. Not entirely anyway. But some of these feelings were hardly those that could be erased so easily; just like his sins. And Yuri understood now why Conrad hid so much of his painful past behind that loving smile. It was to keep Yuri from regretting being the cause of most of his heartache.
Conrad had always protected him, had given him his name, and was always a pillar of strength to Yuri and a shoulder to lean on when things became too difficult. So to have him feel afraid of Conrad right now was almost too much for his own troubled heart to withstand. Because Yuri didn't want to feel this way towards the person he trusted the most in this entire world.
So when the door creaked open while he was still feeling so conflicted with himself, Yuri nearly leapt out of his skin and scrambled out of bed. Scared out of his wits. And for an instant during that state of panic, his vision blurred for a second and a strangely familiar figure appeared in the doorway. It was a man clad in an black-gold uniform with shaggy dark brown hair and a pair of dark amber colored eyes edged with the color of leaves changing in fall that almost turned his eyes completely red...
He knew those eyes, from somewhere like a dream of days long forgotten in another time and place that Yuri could not completely grasp. But before Yuri could catch the edge of the memory before it drifted away like a dandelion ensnared by the breathy wind, his vision cleared and it turned out that the person entering the room was actually Sara.
Stunned for a moment, Yuri finally allowed himself to breath again and feeling embarrassed for his startled reaction, Yuri slowly crept back into bed with his cheeks inflamed and covered his face with the top of his blankets. Just like how a child would do while trying to make the monster from the closet disappear. And to be honest, Yuri still wasn't sure if Sara was even really there or if he just another illusion like the one he had seen seconds before.
"Playing hide and seek Yuri?" Sara asked playfully, prying the cloth from Yuri's face just enough so they could make eye contact, "Are you feeling alright now?"
Yuri shook his head, still too embarrassed to speak.
Smiling gently, Sara nodded, "It's ok, take your time. After all, you've been through a lot in the last few days haven't you? I heard about Lord Weller and how he abducted you-" he shrugged, "-although, it doesn't surprise me since he had a fairly good reason to from what I've heard."
Sensing at Sara knew something, Yuri finally managed to lower the blankets and look him in the eye and notice Berias standing right behind him. To be honest though, Yuri was still wondering how in the world he and Conrad had ended up in Small Shimaron of all places. After all, they hadn't seen Sara since the incident with the Divine Sword and they hadn't expected to see him again until the celebration back home; which-Yuri suddenly realized-was only in two more days now...
After Yuri calmed down enough, Sara quietly explained everything about what he believed was going on and promised Yuri that he would tell Conrad the same once he woke up. Sara also told Yuri about how they had found him and Conrad in the woods and brought them both here before sending word back to the Great Demon Kingdom about their safe arrival to the castle-
However, when Sara told Yuri that a sudden fear gripped him and he grabbed Sara by the shoulders, about to beg him to help convince the others not to and separate him and Conrad. But when he opened his mouth to speak, Yuri's chest became tight and thick with emotion that he was unable to utter anything more than a choked gasp. Horrified, Yuri gripped his throat and tried again but nothing but a hollow breath escaped his lips...
Growing frustrated, Yuri tried to force the words out and clasped his neck with both hands, silently screaming at himself to say something, anything, as his fear continued to escalate into a full-blown panic. And noticing right away that Yuri was becoming hysterical, Sara gripped his wrists and tore his hands away from his throat and snapped sharply, "Yuri! Enough! You'll hurt only yourself if you keep doing that and then damage your voice permanently!"
Startled by his strong and bold response, Yuri limply let his arms drop from Sara's grasp and looked at him helplessly. As if asking Sara why all this was happening to him and Conrad. But Sara had no answers, only a solution to at least one of their problems which was to get the two of them home as soon as possible.
However, given the behavior so far of the black lion who had started all this, both Sara and Berias-even Conrad himself-doubted that he would allow that. Clearly, Noir was trying to bring them somewhere he believed was safe at any cost. Therefore, they had several choices...
For one, they could wait for Noir to come for Yuri and capture him; which of course meant posting guards on Conrad in case he was possessed by Noir's power again. Another possibility was to work with Noir and allow it to satisfy its compulsion to protect Yuri and as a result alleviate its current blood-lust towards his enemies. There was also to option of asking Conrad to open a channel so that they could communicate with Noir and figure out what it wanted. And finally, as a last resort, they could separate Yuri and send him to the other world where Sara was certain that not even Noir could reach with his power alone and it would not risk killing its current host to try such a thing.
Either way, Sara knew he had to do something for them. After all, Sara still hadn't completely made up for everything that he himself had done to Yuri such as force him into attacking Big Shimaron's fleet and then brazenly tried to use Janis to destroy his mother and almost taking Yuri's Kingdom down with her. Besides, Sara still liked Yuri too much to let anyone else lay their hands on him. Or in this case, paws, so Sara decided to help Yuri and Conrad in any way he could.
Though Sara knew that Yuri's heart, had already been captured...
"Given how little time is left before the equinox specified in the legends, I'm certain that your black lion will appear here again very soon to continue his journey with Yuri to this safe haven it is trying to reach," Sara said simply, "So if we must make a decision in regards to that, it must be made now Lord Weller. I can't risk your new friend going on another rampage against my own soldiers like he did with those assassins in the forest. That's the last thing Yuri needs to see right now and we both know what that lion is willing to do. Or better yet, what he's willing to make you do."
Meeting Sara's gaze, Conrad said, "You know as well as I do that I haven't been able to prevent Noir from taking control over me even when I know its coming. I become trapped by the memories of my own dark past and act as I would have back then, especially when I was in the battlefield twenty-two years ago..."
"Lord Weller..." Berias whispered.
Folding his hands under his chin, Conrad continued calmly after recomposing himself and thinking critically like a soldier should in this sort of situation and told them sincerely, "Anger and anguish became my blade back then and I fought with an unrelenting ferocity the likes of which I have never known since. I suppose that's how my title was chosen as the Lion of Lutenberg. And it seems that even after all these years, some part of me hasn't released the rage and hurt I felt back then. Even being with His Highness hasn't been able to erase it completely. But I know that if I leave his side now, Noir will only take control of me again and bring me back if Yuri doesn't coming looking for me first, which would be far more dangerous. Still, we need more direct answers from him so...if I must I will open myself to him and let him explain his actions. If not, then I'm afraid that I will have to take Yuri and leave before the others arrive. They'll only separate us which will only serve to cause the same problem you pointed out before yourself about Noir forcing me to kill and betray everyone again. I have no magic, so even with my own will power, I can't escape his grip on me."
Nodding in approval, Sara smiled, "Thank you for being honest with me. Now I can do what needs to be done for Yuri's sake. Although, this won't exactly make me look good once they arrive to find you both gone. Since they don't exactly have a high opinion of me."
Grimacing, Conrad muttered, "I'm sorry."
"Don't be, they'll understand once I explain what happened that made me chose this course of action," Sara said with a dismissive wave of his hand, "As for the rest, we will wait for nightfall-his our-and see if this Noir is willing to compromise with us in regards to Yuri's safety. Does that sound acceptable to you?"
Conrad nodded.
"Good. So until then, you should rest a bit more before visiting Yuri since you were in much worst condition when you were brought her due to the strain on your mind and body from this unnatural bond with Noir. For awhile you were even hallucinating and almost choked one of the doctors assisting Berias," Sara added with a light hint of amusement, "It seems that you were still locked in some of your darkest memories given what you were muttering in your sleep. Some of it was actually very enlightening in regards to what really happened during the Battle of Lutenberg. I may even be thankful my father never was able to make it to the battlefield, or he would have been numbered among the men you had slain. From what Berias has told me, you were like a one man army and no one who faced you survived with their lives still intact. And after hearing about your exploits during some of my history lessons I can see how that could have left anyone scarred as deeply as you have been after wading through so much blood from both friend and foe alike," turning away from him to leave and let Conrad get some sleep he concluded, "I know that some scars never heal, but that doesn't mean that the pain has to last Lord Weller. Remember that."
