It was almost eerie, the way that life continued to go on without Quil. I had been so sure, in those first few days, that the world would collapse, that the sky would fall in… that I would shatter after he left.
But I didn't. And as hard as it was, and as strange as it was, life continued.
Colleen and my mother must have told Katie what happened with Quil because she never mentioned him, or his very sudden disappearance from my life. I was thankful for that, it made it so much easier. And I was thankful for Katie too because she didn't let me "wallow." Instead, she dragged me all over the place after school and weekends—to her house, to concerts in Port Angeles with her older sisters, and to Seattle for a day of sightseeing. Katie was so good, she didn't care if I didn't want to talk all the time. She took my good moods and my bad moods together uncomplainingly.
I wished I could truly confide in her.
Sam, Emily and their kids came up to Neah Bay for Christmas, though my family normally went to La Push for the holidays. Everyone was especially careful not to mention the change in routine or the reason behind it. We pretended that it didn't feel weird, even though everyone felt the emptiness, the space that should have been filled, the laughter that should have spread through our little house. It was all different now.
I remembered other Christmases when Sam and Emily's house had been bursting with people and laughter. All through the day, Quil and his friends would sneak cookies and play pranks until Emily finally made them go outside, where, inevitably they would get into a series of muddy wrestling matches. Now… everything was quiet, stilted. Empty.
I desperately wanted to ask Sam and Emily how Quil was and what he was doing, but I didn't know how to bring it up. And, another larger part of me was afraid of looking too desperate. After those first awful days I'd been so careful not to let the hurt show, desperately trying to act like I didn't miss him at all. But Emily easily saw through the game, and she hugged me tightly when it was time for them to leave. She looked like she wanted to say something, but Sam cleared his throat and she started guiltily.
I wondered, as I watched their car drive away, what she had been going to say to me.
Was it about Quil; did she think he was doing the right thing? Was he sorry, or just stupid? Was this idiotic separation meant to last forever? Or just for now?
Could I even forgive him even if he came back and begged?
What if he never did?
Winter passed in a blurry dreary daze that didn't quite seem real. I kept waiting to wake up and have things go back to normal. I looked at my calendar, marking off each day, unconsciously noting how long it had been since Quil left. January…four months. March… seven months. May…nine months. Had it really been that long? Time passed slowly in snatches, and then sped until everything was a blur and I couldn't keep anything straight.
...
"Ugh, thank God we're done!" I exclaimed, throwing my backpack in the closet without even bothering to clean it out. Katie followed me into the house smiling.
"I thought it would never end. Is it just me, or do the last two weeks of school seem slower than the whole rest of the semester?"
I nodded in agreement, throwing myself into a kitchen chair and grabbing an apple from the bowl in the center. "At least now we have the whole summer to forget everything they taught us."
"I'm looking forward to it," Katie laughed.
And that was what we did. For an entire month we slept late every morning, had TV marathons and sleepovers. We went to the beach even though the cool weather usually meant it wasn't warm enough for swimming. And I tried to forget about more than schoolwork.
Katie tried her hardest to help me forget too.
"Claire, we're going on a double date," Katie announced, walking into my room one mid-morning.
I stared blankly up at her with sleep-blurred eyes. "What?"
"Come on, we have to find something to wear," she pulled me up off the bed.
"When…with who?" I managed to choke out, rubbing my eyes, hoping I was still dreaming.
"Tonight, with two guys I met at the beach this morning. Their names are Mark and Peter."
"Thanks for asking me if I wanted to," I spat bitterly. Of course, it wasn't a dream.
"Come on Claire, you've never even been out with a guy before—or even liked another guy!—you're still hung up on Quil."
I recoiled at the mention of his name; it was the first time she'd said his name to me. But I didn't stop glaring at her. "That doesn't mean that I want to go out with some stranger that you randomly picked up on the beach! What do you actually know about them?" I demanded.
"They are both sixteen, they go to the high school in Forks. They're very nice." I moaned and threw the covers over my head. "Come on Claire, what else do we have to do? It's been boring!" she whined.
"If I do this, you're going to owe me for the rest of your life!" I hissed.
That was how I somehow found myself sitting in the backseat of a car five hours later, with some guy I didn't know, desperately trying to make small talk without sounding like an idiot. In the front, Katie and Mark were laughing effortlessly. I wished desperately for my best friend's confidence.
"So how old are you Claire?" Peter asked, he looked almost as freaked out as I did. He was sort of good looking—medium height, sandy hair, and a deep tan I had no clue how he had gotten in the rainiest place in the U.S.
"Um, I'll be fifteen in October. You?"
"Just turned sixteen two weeks ago."
"Oh, happy birthday," I congratulated, my voice too weak to be really happy. After that, we lapsed into an awkward silence until Peter leaned forward in his seat and joined Katie and Mark's conversation.
My cheeks burned with embarrassment; I made myself as small as I could in the small seat, thinking longingly back to other drives when I'd been unable to stop talking. A pang of loneliness shot through me.
It was easier once we were in the restaurant. With Katie next to me, helping me out, the conversation wasn't as bad as I feared, but Peter seemed absolutely over me and I was over him as soon as I saw him eye the pretty waitress suggestively. I ate my food listlessly, picking at it without any real appetite. It tasted like sawdust in my mouth.
During the drive back, I let my mind wander while the stereo blared deafeningly loud music that gave me a headache. In my mind, I saw myself sitting in the restaurant, laughing while Quil leaned towards me, smiling too. I saw him reach across the table for my hand, holding it tightly in his big warm one, brushing a strand of hair off my face—
No! I couldn't let myself think like that. I couldn't measure every man, every experience against Quil. Quil was gone, and he wasn't ever coming back. What I had felt back then was infatuation. Nothing more. I fed myself the lies.
"That wasn't so bad, was it?" Katie asked, after Mark and Peter dropped us off at her house. We sat outside on her porch, enjoying the cool night breeze.
"You're joking right?"
"Claire!" Katie screeched. "You are seriously hopeless."
"I'm not the one who couldn't stop staring at the waitress the whole night!" I exclaimed. "Peter was kind of an ass."
Even though Katie was trying to look disapproving, a telltale grin tugged at the corners of her mouth. Finally, she gave up and giggled. "He was, wasn't he? Oh well, at least we tried. And Mark was nice."
"Do you think it gets any easier?" I sighed.
"Maybe…. God, sometimes I wish that you just saw someone and bam that's it. Done.
You've met your perfect match."
"It would certainly make my life easier. Tonight was way too awkward."
Katie shrugged. "At least tomorrow will be nice out—we can go swimming. Maybe you'll meet someone else." I rolled my eyes.
We sat there quietly for a few minutes, and I let the stillness wash over me. Katie, for all her wonderfulness, had never really understood why I liked silence so much, especially since she was so talkative. But then, no one ever really understood that side of me, the one where I liked to be alone and have time for myself. No one except for…
"Claire?" Katie's voice pulled me from my thoughts. "Do you feel like… there's something watching us?" She was looking towards the long stretch of trees that lined the road on the other side of her house. I turned to look, but didn't see anything.
"No, why?"
"I dunno… just all the sudden I felt like something was watching us." She looked at the woods again. "I swear, there's something there.I can't hear anything, but—do you see that shadow…" her voice drifted off nervously.
I looked in the direction she was pointing to, but again, I saw nothing.
"You need to stop watching horror movies Katie, they're not good for you," I laughed.
"I'm being serious!"
I laughed again and stood up. "Ok… well, have fun with that. I'm going home now."
Her eyes popped. "Are you sure you don't want a ride?" She was still staring at the woods. "What if something really is out there?"
It took another five minutes of reassuring and a promise to call her when I got home—just in case—before Katie let me go.
It was easy to laugh about her irrational fears standing on her brightly lit porch, but on the road, it was a completely different story. Maybe she was right, maybe there was something… I heard leaves rustle, but the sound didn't make me afraid as I'd been expecting. Instead, I felt…curious.
A flicker of movement out of the corner of my eye startled me, but insanely enough it did not frighten me. What if… what if it was him?
God, I'd finally gone crazy! I was imagining things that weren't there, and even worse, I was imagining that someone was there. But even as I internally berated myself, an odd burning hope was rising through my chest. Walking slowly, right at the very edge of the trees, I held out my arm and brushed my hand along the low branches of the trees overhead. The snapping, rustling sound of the leaves as my fingers moved against them felt oddly reassuring.
When I reached my house, instead of going right in, I stood for a few minutes at the extreme edge of the woods. There was no noise, but as Katie had, I still felt like something was watching me. It was not a scary or anxious feeling—more like a longing. Whatever presence it was that watched me felt achingly familiar and unthreatening. Even if it was just wishful thinking, I wanted to stand forever in the spot, and wait for whatever it was to come out and meet me.
But nothing changed. Finally, I sighed and walked inside.
...
I didn't let Katie drag me off on dates again, though she wanted to. She used all the same arguments that were in my mind, but I stubbornly ignored them. I was going to wait, I told her, until I met a guy who interested me. I wasn't going to force it, or endure more nights with guys like Peter. I was protecting myself.
June…July…August…
Colleen left for college in September, happy and excited. She had a plan, and she was going to see it through. She was finally going to get out of La Push, her lifelong dream.
For my fifteenth birthday, I let my mother throw me a party. I could tell she wanted to, and I wanted to make her happy. She'd been so good with me, so patient and calm. And even though I tried to act normal, I knew she could see through it; she knew I was suffering. When Aunt Emily saw me, she sighed and hugged me tightly and I knew that she understood too. Sam was harder to be around—he looked so much like… like him, especially from a distance.
I still thought of Quil often…every day if I was being honest, though I tried to tell myself that I had forgotten. That I'd moved on. That it was only a crush, silly and stupid—I was too young to feel so deeply. He wasn't nearly as perfect as I thought he was…
I fed myself the lies. I hoped that someday I would believe them.
October, November, December, January, February, March… a year and a half, two birthdays, too many missed moments. Time passes.
...
The house was quiet and completely still; the only sound in the dead calm was my mother, whispering on the phone. I frowned; it had been a very long time since there'd been whispered telephone conversations in my house. I didn't like to think about what it might mean.
"Claire," my mother called from the kitchen. "Is that you? Can you come here a second?" Calmly, I hung my heavy jacket on the newel post to dry and kicked off my boots by the heater. It's nothing, I told myself. It doesn't mean anything... But my traitorous body was giving away my apprehension. I could feel the heavy thud of my heart, pounding faster and faster as I walked towards my mother.
What if… what if it's him?
Stupidly, I was hoping. Didn't I know by now that it was never him? My mother held out the phone to me. "It's Aunt Emily; she wants to talk to you."
Disappointment flooded me. I took the phone and tried to make my voice sound bright. "Hey Emily, what's up?"
"Hi Claire," her voice sounded strained and tired. "How are you?"
"I'm ok; I just got back from Katie's house. We watched a funny old movie."
"That's good," she sighed. I frowned, my busy Aunt was usually tired, but I had never heard her like this before. She was worried.
"Are you ok Emily? You sound exhausted."
"I'll be fine sweetie; I just didn't get much sleep last night..." She paused for a moment. "So your mother was telling me that you start April vacation next week?"
"Yeah."
"Well, that's kind of the reason I'm calling. I was wondering if maybe you wanted to come down to La Push for a little while and keep me company? I know you'd probably rather spend your vacation with Katie, but I- I'd really like to see you."
Go to La Push? It had been forever since I'd been there— I tried to remember the last time but I couldn't. Had it really been the night of the bonfire? I felt that odd familiar tinge of excitement and worry course through me. Something's happened.
"Of course I would! When do you want me to come?" I tried not to sound too eager, but I couldn't keep it out of my voice; it had been so long.
"As soon as you can Claire."
It was Wednesday, I realized. Disappointment surged through me. How could I possibly get through the next two days with the prospect of visiting La Push ahead of me? There was no way that I'd survive the suspense…and the hope.
I frowned again. "Are you sure nothing's wrong Emily?" There was a pause, and then a sigh, you'll find out soon enough, it seemed to say.
"Don't worry about it Claire. Why don't you put your mom back on, and we can make arrangements. Do you think she'd mind if missed a little school?"
My heart leapt. "I'd come right now if you wanted me to."
Emily laughed sadly, and when she spoke, she seemed to be talking to herself. "I- I think that might be best. But we'll see what your mother has to say."
"I'll see you," I promised, and handed the phone to my mom. I listened anxiously while they talked a few more minutes, pleading mentally with my mom to let me go tonight. Still, I wasn't holding out much hope: my mother was strict when it came to school— which was why I almost fell out of my chair when I heard her promise to have me in La Push before seven.
"Mom, is everything ok?" I asked when she hung up. "Aunt Emily sounded… weird, and sort of distracted. And you're letting me miss school?"
She didn't say anything for a long second. "Don't worry about it Claire."
"That's what Emily said too," I complained. She smiled a little, but didn't say anything else. "I don't want to get in the way or anything, if she's busy— and it's sort of a weird time for her to call and ask for a visit, isn't it?"
My mom walked over and hugged me tightly. "It's good that you're going sweetie. Trust me; you won't be in the way. Now, go pack."
She didn't need to tell me twice. In a flash, I was out of my chair and up the stairs. Randomly, I threw miscellaneous clothes into a back- pack. A quick trip to the bathroom to get my toothbrush and shampoo, and I was back downstairs in hardly any time at all.
"Wow that was fast."
I shrugged. "I don't need much… and I miss Emily, and my cousins. I haven't seen them in so long."
"They were just here two weeks ago!" she exclaimed, but I knew she was only teasing. Maybe my mother wasn't great at cooking, but she understood me. Too well sometimes.
"If you're ready, we might as well get going," she sighed. I caught an odd look in her eyes, it reaffirmed that something strange was going on.
But, whatever it was could not dim my excitement. Finally, I was going back to La Push. I would see First Beach again, and Kim, Seth, Embry…
And maybe, just maybe, I would see Quil.
Author's note: So, I originally meant to write more about the months that Quil and Claire spent apart, but it was so boring that I gave up and skipped over most of it. I'm not thrilled with this chapter, but hopefully it gives you some idea of what happened. I promise the next chapter will be much more exciting! ;-)
Please review!
