Chapter 7
Mental Issues
Emil and Marta had gathered with the mental image of Lloyd and Genis deep inside Genis's mind, explaining to them their reasons for being there.
"I see. So you're from the outside," the Mental Genis said, "That's where the other is from as well."
"The other…wait, you mean Tenebrae?" Emil asked, "Have you seen him?"
"Of course he's seen him you idiot!" A soldier in light blue armor, just about cobalt colored, yelled out from behind Genis, "You think Mister Sage would miss something like that you skeezy douchebag fuck?" he said getting in Emil's face, poking his chest.
Emil grabbed the soldier's wrist and angrily said, "Hold on a second. Who the hell are you?"
"My name is Emil Castagnier, buttwiping assmunch!" he said, moving his hand out of his grasp.
"This guy's kind of an asshole." the real Emil whispered to Marta.
"Yeah, we've met." she whispered.
"And I'm Sage's best friend," the Mental Emil said, "So don't get any ideas about kissing up you limp licking fuck sock!"
"Okay. There's a LOT of stuff in that sentence, that I didn't like." the real Emil said.
"Just play along, Emil." Marta whispered, "We're going to need these guys if we're going to find Tenebrae."
"I'm going to go look for girls," Mental Lloyd said and ran off.
"If you want to find Tenebrae, I suggest we talk to the Reds first," Mental Genis suggested, "He tried to recruit them against me early on."
"The Reds…the Reds are in here?" Emil asked. Mental Genis nodded and they all went off to go find them.
Zelos and Presea were searching around the tipped-over Warthog for one of the pieces needed for Sheena's surgery.
"Ok are you sure you left the part in there?" Zelos asked Presea.
"Hmm think so. Wait... Yes. No. Wait- wait wait- wait... mmmmmmmmngh... I think so." Presea said tapping her head.
"Alright, let's retrace your steps. You said it was the Tuesday before Sheena and Sarge got blown up that you were last in the Warthog, right?"
"Right. I know it was Tuesday because that's the day I wash my underwear and clothes. And since I don't like to let my armor touch my bare skin, on account of I chafe, really easily, I remember thinking: where can I hang out with no pants on?" she motioned towards the Warthog.
"Oh my god."
Lloyd was driving Luna towards the Red base with Aska running ahead.
"Okay, well, looks like we're close enough. Now if I can just find the brakes on this thing..." he started searching the control panel. "Ah, must be this button."
"Do not touch that button." Luna ordered.
"Oh, sorry." He jerked his hand back to find a different button. "Hmm... Maybe it's this one."
"Do not touch me."
"You know, for a girl your size you're kind of sensitive." Lloyd joked.
"I cannot take any more of this. This girl talks too much." Zelos complained.
"So after I clipped my toenails, I was gonna apply the ointment as recommended. But I don't know, it just smells really funny. So I decided to taste it, just to make sure it was safe." Presea kept telling him.
"That's it; I'm committing suicide." Zelos turned and ran back to the base.
"Hey... I didn't finish retracing my steps yet," Presea yelled, "You don't even know what I did about the boil on my thigh."
Zelos turned to see the last thing he wanted to see, the Blues and their tank, headed their way full speed.
"Oh crap!" He ran back and ducked behind the Warthog.
"Hey, you're back!" said Presea, "So where was I... Oh yeah. I lanced it. Disgusting." she said shuddering.
"Not now rookie! There's a giant tank out there that's about to steam roll right over us!"
"What?" Presea peaked her head out a bit and saw the tank and started to panic, "Oh God it's true! I'm totally freaking out! I'm freaking out!"
"Oh my God. I can't believe Sage is smart enough to drive this thing and I'm not. Luna how the fuck do I slow you down?"
"Retard the throttle."
"What throttle, this throttle?" Lloyd asked.
"Retard the controller."
"You mean this thing? What are you talking about, I'm so confused!"
"The controller, retard." Luna said.
"Hey, that's kind of insulting."
"Retard. Retard. Retard. Retard." she started to continuously repeat.
"Oh come on, now you're just being mean."
"Retard. Retard. … … … Retard."
"Ah, Luna, seriously, we have to slow down or we're going to run in to that jeep!" Lloyd yelled.
"Please, take evasive action. Please, take evasive action," the tank said.
"You take evasive action. Hey Aska, help me out, can't you talk to her?"
"Perdóneme, pero no puedo hablar con mujeres bella. Porque sudo." (I'm sorry. I'm not good at talking to beautiful women. I get sweaty.)
Presea calmed herself down a bit, and had one last idea.
"Well old buddy, it looks like this is the end for us," Presea said, "Since we're going to die anyway, there's only one thing left for us to do. Zelos-"
"Look Presea if you're going to suggest what I think you are, I'm just gonna tell you that I don't feel that way about you at all."
"Let's make a break for it!"
"Oh... Well in that case let's go on three. That's worked well for me in the past."
"Okay, you count." she said.
"Fine, but don't look at me while I count, because, I get nervous."
Zelos turned away from Presea and began counting as Presea quietly ran back to the base.
"One…Two…" Zelos turned to see Presea had already fled, "That bitch. She beat me at my own game."
"Curses!" Lloyd said as the tank ran into the Warthog, sending it and Zelos flying as well as Aska.
Presea ran inside the base where Kratos was with Sheena.
"Good golly Miss Molly, what is going on out there?" Kratos asked.
"Sir. The Blues are attacking with their tank. They blew up the Warthog. Again." Presea reported, trying to catch her breath.
"I wonder what jeeps ever did to those guys." Sheena said.
"Zelos and I just barely had enough time to make it out of there. Right Zelos? Uh, uh... Zelos?"
The group had arrived where the Reds usually were, with Emil wanting to someone strangle himself. Well the mental version of himself inside of Genis's head.
"Why the hell did they pair me with you of all people?" Emil asked his mental self.
"I want to keep my eye on you! I don't trust gigantic turds to try and steal my best friend you rimjob!" Mental Emil replied.
"Well... This is going to be a great trip..." Emil rolled his eyes.
"Attention Reds! The great Genis Sage demands an audience with you! So listen up ya blowjobbing cocksuckers!" Mental Emil yelled.
That's when the real problem started, as far as mental images.
"Sage? Oh no, he's come to kill us!" a cowardly Sheena said. No big deal.
"Will someone please help me, I don't want to die." a yellow Zelos cried. Wrong armor, so what?
"I love Sage, and yet I'm still afraid of him." Presea said in a preppy girl's voice. Ok now that's just wrong.
"Arrr I be having a Tethe'allan accent," Kratos said, sounding like a pirate. Now it's crossed the line from wrong into mental institution worthy.
"He's so scary." Presea squealed.
"Fear not Reds, I come here not to destroy. But instead to ask for your assistance on this day." Genis announced.
Emil couldn't take the insanity anymore and had to say something. "Okay whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I got to correct a couple things I'm hearing here," he said and turned to Mental Emil, "First of all, you? You're not Sage's best friend, okay? You don't have a best friend. You know why? You don't need one! You're Emil Castagnier! Knowing other people just waters down the experience. Live the dream buddy!"
"Shove it, dicksniffer!"
"And Sage? Come on dude, seriously? Have you paid attention to our enemies for one second?"
"I beg your pardon?" Mental Genis frowned, looking somewhat confused and offended.
"First off, that guy?" Emil pointed to Mental Zelos, "His armor's not yellow. It's orange. And since when is there a freakin' prep on the Red team?"
"My favorite thing is pretty dresses." Presea blurted out.
"Arrr I got termites in me leg." Mental Kratos said.
"And that is not a Tethe'allan accent." yelled Emil.
"Do you have any tampons?" Mental Presea asked Mental Kratos.
"Seriously, what is the matter with you people?" he started freaking out a bit.
"Calm down, Emil," Marta walked over to him and put a hand on his shoulder.
"Don't kill us mister sidekick," Mental Zelos begged.
"Hey buttbrunch! I'm Genis's sidekick, not him!" Mental Emil corrected, "So shut your piehole!"
Mental Emil was suddenly shot in the chest and fell down to the lower level.
"Oh my God, Emil, are you okay?" the real Emil ran to the ledge to check.
Mental Emil stood up, "Oh please, that fudgefinger couldn't hit me." He looked down to see himself bleeding. "No wait, I'm going to die. Hergh! Blow me." he dropped down to his knees and fell over dead.
"There he is!" Marta exclaimed.
Tenebrae was seen on the other side with a sniper rifle in hand.
"Muhahahaha!" he laughed evilly.
"Let's go get him." Marta started the pursuit.
"Alright," Emil agreed, "Come on Sage, let's go."
"I am sorry, have we met?" Genis asked.
"What? It's me, Castagnier!"
"I don't seem to have any memory of you. My name is Genis A. Sage. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance."
"Oh you got to be freaking kidding me. I just hope Irving's doing a better job out there getting the Reds to turn off their radios." he ran off to follow Marta.
Luna's front end was right up against the side of the Red base with Lloyd climbing out.
"God Dammit. This isn't going very well at all," Lloyd complained. Once he got out, he helped Aska get up. "You okay Aska?"
"No pueden tocar Aska la Pesado." (Aska the Heavy is impervious to injury.)
"Whatever you big showoff. How about you Luna, you still online?"
"Affirmative," she answered.
"Okay. We should be close enough to hack in to their radio frequency. Aska, get inside Luna and do your business."
"What?"
"¡Esto me haciendo muy suderoso!" (I'm getting very sweaty!)
"Oh my God. Remind me to hose you two off when we get back to base." Lloyd shut his eyes in annoyance.
"Well this is a devil of a picadillo," Kratos told his men, "Sheena, get on the squawk box and tell command that-" their radios suddenly flickered on.
"Red guys, are you there?" Lloyd interrupted.
"What in buttery goodness? Who is this!" Kratos asked, putting his hand to his earpiece.
"It's me Irving, I'm one of the Blue guys. Look I don't have time to explain, but I need all of you guys to shut off your radios right now." Lloyd urged them.
"Boy, it'll be a cooooold day in hell before I take orders from you." Kratos frowned.
"Look it's really important, alright? Normally I would just shoot at you guys and steal your girlfriends, but today is different! I need you to trust me on this."
"Well I may have spoken too soon. That is an interesting and well thought out, not to mention clever and timely I might add proposition." the Sergeant said with a condescending tone. "Fujibayashi, would you care to deliver our rebuttal?"
Sheena cleared her throat and then screamed into the mic, "Suck it Blue!"
"Yeah, suck it Blue!" Presea added, "Now that's what I call an old school zinger. In your face Blue dude, in your face!"
"Oh man." Lloyd exhaled.
Marta and Emil chased Tenebrae through Genis's mind.
"Muhahahaha!" Tenebrae laughed evilly as he made a long jump down a bridge.
"Hurry up Emil, he's getting away!" Marta yelled.
"You'll never catch me!"
"Come on, let's go!" said Emil.
First Marta jumped down then Emil and they continued the pursuit.
Back in the real world, Lloyd was still busy with the Reds.
"Dammit. These guys are not backing down." He looked towards his robot partner and decided it was time for 'that' plan. "Aska looks like we're going to have to go to Plan B. You know what to do."
Aska agreed as he climbed out the tank. At the same time, music began to play in on the radio.
"La primera vez que vi sus pisadas y sus puerto del acero," (The first time I saw your treads and enormous chassis of steel,) Aska sang to Luna.
"What the- what in Betty's bloomers is on the radio now?" Kratos demanded.
"Supe que había encontrado alguien," (I knew that I had found someone,)
"It sounds like the feral cry of a retarded Mexican sasquatch!" he yelled and started grabbing his head in pain.
"Turn it off! Turn it off!" Sheena begged, "Please God, make it stop!"
"Para compartir un verdadero..." (To share a robot love so real...)
"Oh man this rules! Rules!" Presea smiled and nodded her head to the beat.
Inside Genis's head, Tenebrae wandered into an area with a lot of pillars hoping to hide. He made a wrong turn and ran straight into Marta. He tried to turn around but saw Emil standing in his way.
"Oh?" He backed into a corner, unable to escape.
"Alright Tenebrae, this is it! From now on, if anybody makes my girlfriend cranky and psychotic, it's going to be me," Emil said.
"Aw, that's sweet." Marta blushed.
"Shut up bitch."
"Asshole."
"Never! The darkness will swallow you whole!" Tenebrae wasn't about to give up. And now cue the ridiculous one-liners.
"Forget Tenebrae. You're just one big headache, and I got a whole pistol-full of aspirin."
"What?" Marta said in shock.
"I've got half a mind to kill you…"
"That's ridiculous." she said with a brow raised.
"And the other half agrees." Emil continued, obviously not hearing Marta.
"Oh, Emil, that's just stupid."
"You're about to split…"
"God, Emil…"
"Personality!"
"Now you're just embarrassing yourself."
"Syke!"
The reds were still suffering from the love song Aska was playing, especially Kratos, who was on the ground now. "That's it, I've had enough! Can't take any more! Everybody, switch, off, your radio!" Kratos ordered, standing up.
"But Sarge!" Presea protested.
"That's an order, Private!"
"Sarge pleeeeeeeease?"
"Don't try my patience, Combatir."
"Aw man!" They simultaneously shut off their radios, free from that damned music.
Lloyd heard all the music go off and ran back to the tank.
"Ah, hoohoohoohoo, it worked! Hey, turn off your radio, quick!" Luna and Aska quickly complied, and started to return to the base.
"Nice knowing you Tenebrae," said Marta, cocking her gun dramatically, "But payback's a bitch, and so am I!"
"Wait, Marta, we don't know if Irving's had enough time." Emil said.
"There's only one way to find out." she smirked.
Both fired their guns until the place was filled with smoke and a long scream of "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Once the smoke cleared, Emil saw that he was gone.
"Huh. He just disappeared. I expected like, an echoing laugh, er... you know the smell of brimstone, at least. I don't smell any kind of stone. Do you think that's weird Marta?"
He got no response.
"Marta?" he turned around to see that she was gone. "Marta, where'd you go?" Emil was still stuck inside of Genis's head, "How do I get out of here? What happened to Tenebrae?"
Out at the canyon, a radio turned on.
"Come in Blue command, do you read me? This is Medical Officer Yggdrassil. Is anyone there? …Do you read me?"
