So here is part II. Once again, thanks for reading!
Chapter 6 part II
He stops up, right outside the kitchen door. Love. When did all his confusing feelings for Castiel turn into an infatuation? He takes a deep breath, and then takes another step. He has to take the chance, he has to explain Castiel about his feelings. Explain to Castiel that this also is difficult for him, it may not be the first time Dean experiences love, but it's many years since he has loved someone so much. But he can't say it like that because Dean loves his family too, both them he is related to in blood, and them he has chosen as his family, and Castiel knows that. He'll have to say that this may be the first time he is so in love with someone.
Yes, Dean will have to make it clear that he doesn't love Castiel the same way as he loves Sam, or as he loves Kevin, but that his love for him is just as strong.
Because these feelings can't be ignored anymore, and the last time he tried, it all went wrong.
It was getting worse. He was constantly getting more and more aware of his feelings for Castiel, and how they were growing. It was every time he talked to him, looked at him, fuck, sometimes he just started to think of him out of nowhere. It was ridiculous, he was not a teenager with a crush he was a grown man.
But the worst thing was that Dean was convinced that Castiel didn't feel the same way. Why should he? What could Dean possibly offer Castiel other than shelter? There was nothing safe about starting a relationship with him, his past had shown him that all too clearly. Beside, who said that Castiel even wanted to be with a man?
He had to stop thinking about it, it wouldn't make any difference. There would never be anything between him and Castiel. So when he, Sam, and Castiel stopped at a bar that night after the demon hunt, and he saw Sally at the bar, Dean thought that he might as well could give it a try. He hoped that if he did what he was good at, and charmed an attractive woman, it would help him forget about his complicated feelings for his best friend. So he talked to her, and invited her to sit at their table.
It started out so well, but after some time, Dean noticed that Castiel didn't seem to feel very comfortable with the situation, he looked their way if they asked him a question, but other than that, he only talked with Sam. At first Dean hoped that it was a sign of jealousy, but he soon dropped that thought. He knew very well that Castiel never had been the best small talker, and especially not if it included that he had to talk to a stranger, in particular a woman, so that was probably the real reason for why he ignored them.
After two hours or so, Dean and Sally left the bar. Sally's apartment wasn't that far from the bar, so they could easily walk.
Dean was a bit nervous because it had been a long time since he last had been with someone. But that was not his only problem. He couldn't let go of the feeling that this was wrong, that he shouldn't go with Sally home, but go back to the bar, to Cas, because that was where he really wanted to be. He tried to shrug it off.
But he couldn't, and he realized it when they were in her apartment.
Sally started to kiss him as she unbuttoned his shirt. But Dean couldn't enjoy it because he kept thinking about Castiel, and when he closed his eyes, it got even worse because then he just saw the other guy's face before him.
With a sigh Dean broke the kiss and pulled slightly away from Sally, who looked confused. "Sorry, but I can't." he said.
She frowned and looked at him with confusion "What does that mean?"
He removed her hands there still were at the fourth button, and began to button the shirt again. "I…" what could he even say? That he had another? That he was in love with his best friend? "It's complicated."
"Oh my God." Sally said slowly, Dean could see she was getting angry, and he didn't blame her. "Are you kidding me?"
Dean didn't answer. Sally walked over to the door and opened it "Out." She commanded.
She didn't have to say it twice before Dean had buttoned the last button and was out of the door. That went relative painless, Dean thought to himself as Sally slammed the door behind him.
Dean took a long walk up and down the street, before he dared to walk back to the bar and see if the Impala was still there. Luckily for him, his Baby wasn't there, so he went back into the bar. He stayed at the bar and drank a few beers. But he didn't feel like talking to anyone, and he certainly didn't want to hook up with another woman.
But at 5am the bar closed so Dean had to leave, and for the last hour or so had he been the only customer anyway. He spent a very cold hour outside, before he pulled himself together and called Sam.
Dean didn't wanted Sam to find out the true about his night, so he tried to avoid talking about it more than absolutely necessary. It would be easier if Sam was in the belief that it was Sally who had changed her mind. And, of course that Sam didn't tell Castiel anything about what had happened. In that moment was that the most important thing for Dean. As long as Sam kept quiet, Dean couldn't care less about what his brother was thinking of him.
Because Dean could lie to Sam, but if Castiel found out that the evening hadn't gone as planned, and then began to ask Dean what had gone wrong, was Dean not sure if he could come up with a lie just as easily, and he sure as hell didn't want to tell him the truth. So Dean let the real events of the evening stay a secret between him and Sally.
Dean tries not to make a sound as he tiptoes toward Castiel's room because he has to pass both Sam's, and Kevin's room, to get to Castiel's, and the last thing he needs right now is to get any of them involved in this.
He tries to concentrate on every step he takes, but nevertheless he finds it hard not to keep thinking about the night when he met Sally. The night had given him a lot to think about, especially that his feelings for Castiel had gotten so strong that he no longer was able to be with another person without feeling bad about it.
Therefore had it also been the night where Dean had decided that he had to tell Castiel about his feelings because at that point all of his complicated feelings for his best friend had turned into an infatuation. And living under the same roof as the person you are in love with, without the person knowing it, is too much even for Dean Winchester. Therefore had his plan been to tell Castiel about his feelings when they had visited the bar earlier that day, which also had been the reason for his nervousness throughout the day.
Dean really did have back pains, but that wasn't the real reason why he didn't help the others with the books. No, the main reason for Dean to retreat to his room was simply because he was nervous, nervous over the fact that he had to spend an entire evening alone with Castiel. Sure, the two of them had been alone many times before, but now there was something there had changed.
With all those feelings he was trying to fight against and get under control, was it easier for him to be in the same room as Castiel if there were others too. However, Dean didn't see a bar full of strangers as "others" there would make it easier for him to be around Castiel, maybe would it even make everything worse.
What if Castiel had a chat with someone else? How would Dean react to that? Not good. The mere thought of it made him sad and jealous. But at the same time did it also make him feel as a shitty person because if he couldn't tell Castiel that he had feelings for him, then what would possible give him the right to stop Castiel from talking to others? Because Castiel was human and therefore could he not keep living without love, intimacy, touch… sex.
Sure, Castiel hadn't expressed at any time that he longed for neither. But it was basic human needs, and Dean could clearly see how Castiel had changed from when he was an angel to now where he was human. He had a better understanding of human emotions.
And of course there were people who didn't wanted that kind of contact with others, but Dean was quite sure that Castiel wasn't one of them.
Dean sighed deeply, he couldn't deny Castiel those things. He cared about him too deeply to do that. The fact that Dean had admitted to himself that he loved Castiel was a big step for him, and the next, and even bigger step he had to make, was to admit it to Castiel as well.
He knew that it had to be said, if he kept quiet about it while Castiel found another would it simply tear him apart. He would also still not be able to move on, and be with another. So he had decided that he would do his best to explain Castiel about his feelings, and if Castiel against all odds felt the same way would it be great. If not, Dean hoped that they still would be friends even though Dean knew that it never would be the same again.
Therefore would there be no easy way to say it, and long explanations wouldn't help, so when Dean left the bunker, he had a clear and simple plan: he would just tell him the truth. He would tell Castiel how he felt.
But it didn't went as Dean had planned, soon after they had arrived at the bar he noticed that something seemed to bother Castiel, so Dean started out slowly, by saying that Castiel could always come to him, that he always would be there for him. Dean felt that it was a good icebreaker, but it wouldn't hurt any of them to get another beer before Dean spilled his guts, and Castiel looked to be in the drinking mood.
When Dean was standing at the bar, waiting for the busy bartender to take his order, he overheard the conversation the two women next to him were having.
"There are so many good looking guys tonight." Said the blond one.
Her friend, with short red hair, nodded in agreement, and then nodded in the direction of Castiel. "I especially like that dark-haired one over there, he's hot. Maybe I should give it a try."
All the self-confidence Dean had built disappeared like snow in the sun. Who was he trying to fool? The only two people Dean ever had seen Castiel be with were women. And since Dean still was convinced that he hadn't anything to offer Castiel, would he not stand in the way if Castiel had a chance with the redhead. So he changed his plan, and turned to the two women, and put his best smile on.
"Ladies, I couldn't help overhearing that you were talking about my friend, Cas, would you like me to introduce you?"
From the moment Christine and Nelly sat down at their table, Dean tried to interfere as little as possible in Castiel and Nelly's conversation. He talked with Christine, so Castiel could form his own impression of Nelly, without Dean interrupted and made smart remarks.
But the longer the women stayed the worse Dean felt about the whole situation. He was jealous because Castiel seemed to like Nelly, and he felt terrible about it. Why couldn't he just be happy for Castiel? He and Nelly were clearly having a good time.
So when Castiel later stormed out of the bar, Dean was just as surprised as the two women.
When Castiel was out of the room, Dean looked around at the other bar guests, and saw that practically every single one of them were looking at him, Nelly and Christine, and he could see how embarrassed Nelly was over the whole situation.
"What the hell just happened?" Nelly asked, still a bit chocked over what had happened.
Dean couldn't find anything else to say other than what was the closest to the truth, as far as he knew: "He is going through a hard time, and I thought a night out would help."
Nelly, who still looked displeased, took a sip of her beer. The other guests in the bar had returned to their own friends and dates, and seemed to have forgotten about what just had happened at their table, but Nelly didn't seem like she would forgive Castiel already after he had dumped her like that, so Dean figured it would be best not to get him back in. And he had to admit to himself that he was glad that he could take Castiel with him back to the bunker, instead of sending him home with Nelly.
Dean stood, and both women seem displeased now.
"Are you leaving too?!" Nelly said angrily.
"Yeah, sorry, but I've to go check up on Cas…" he said.
But before he could take a step toward the door, Christine had taken hold of his jacket sleeve, and when he looked down at her, she sent him a flirting smile. "We had this backup plan that if only one of us would find a guy tonight, we could just invite him home and then could all three of us have fun together." She said and winked at him.
Dean almost dropped his jaw. Seriously? Did they really offer him a threesome? Two incredibly hot chicks offered him a threesome. If it had been six months earlier would Dean not have hesitated for a moment before saying 'yes', and after a quick check up on Castiel, and some money so he could take a taxi home, would Dean happily have taken with the women. But as he stood there, was it the last thing he wanted to do.
He slowly removed Christine's hand from his arm. "I'm sorry, but I've to go out and check on my friend."
After he had said that, was it Christine's turn to look displeased, but Dean couldn't care less, and after having apologized again for both him and Castiel, he left the bar. Luckily enough was Castiel just outside, and as soon as he saw the other man he felt better.
Dean even dared to put an arm around Castiel's shoulder, as they walked to the Impala. At that moment Dean was happier than he had been in a long time, and he was full of new courage to tell Castiel what he wanted to say, but he would wait, to they were back at the bunker. But he didn't get the chance because then was it that Castiel had surprised him by telling him about his own feelings.
And now is he here, he has dragged himself all the way to Castiel's room, and is standing outside the closed door. He can hear Castiel open and closing drawers so Dean guesses he is packing his stuff. Dean takes a deep breath and slowly breaths out, Castiel is packing, he is about to leave him again. No not this time. Dean will not let it happen again, not when he knows he can say something there will make Castiel stay.
Dean slowly knocks on the door before he opens it.
