Author's Note: This chapter is going to deal with some heavy stuff in relation to bullying and violence, but from Kevin's perspective. Just a fair warning. Also, if you'd like to leave feedback, please feel free to do so - I wanted to go for something that felt honest here. Happy reading!

Chapter 7: Kevin's Guilt

Nazz and Nat walked into Kevin's dorm room. Kevin made his way through the room and carefully sat down on his bed. Nazz pulled the chair from his desk and set it across from Kevin. She relaxed in the chair as she crossed her legs. Kevin motioned for Nat to come sit by him, but Nat stood with his arms crossed and leaned on the dresser. Nat seemed simultaneously annoyed and concerned at his friend's new found silence.

While Kevin had walked Edd back to Honor's, Nat had talked with Nazz. Nazz didn't say much, but just listened as Nat complained about how distant Kevin was. Nazz attempted to reassure him, saying that they were in a new place and that Nat shouldn't get himself so worked up. Nazz was also a bit annoyed, feeling as though Nat's anger was pretty selfish that he wasn't being told something rather than being concerned for his friends.

But Nazz did seem to think that Kevin was a little out of character at their dinner. She just wanted to clear the air by reassuring Nat that nothing was wrong and that their good friend was just fine.

Kevin leaned back in his bed. He felt like his friends were ganging up on him for no real reason, so he decided to keep his cool. He wanted to to talk to Nazz, not Nat.

"Kevin, you seemed a little odd tonight." Nazz said, as diplomatically as possible.

"I was odd?" Answered Kevin on the defensive. Nat rolled his eyes.

"Yes, Kevin. You were. You were quieter than normal and seemed genuinely uncomfortable." Nazz calmly replied.

Nat suddenly jumped in. "Did you do something to Double Dude? He seemed even more anxious than normal."

When Nat said that Kevin's temper flared a little. It felt like an accusation. "I didn't do anything to the dork. I don't know why you guys are ganging up on me. I just invited the dork to grab food with us and you're both thinking that I'm acting weird? What the fuck?"

Nat scoffed, his attitude was getting on Kevin's nerves. So Nat wasn't the center of attention for the night, why did Nat have to act like Kevin not being talkative and wanting to spend time with Double D was such an affront to him?

Nazz took a deep breath. "Honestly Kevin, you have seemed a bit distant lately. Is there anything that you want to talk about? If not, we can leave. Just know, I'm not mad at you, dude."

Kevin glared at Nat. "Can I just talk to you, Nazz?"

Nazz turned and looked at Nat. Nat scoffed, "why can't you talk in front of me?"

"It's just. You tend to talk."

Nat looked hurt by that. "So something is up, and you can't talk to me because you think I'm just going to blab about it to everyone? Really? Thanks, it's nice to know what you think of me."

Kevin couldn't tell if Nat knew that he was acting over the top and it was annoying Kevin. Nazz picked up on this and jumped in, "Nat, Kevin's just being honest. Don't chew him out, ok?"

Nat scoffed again, but relented. "I'm sorry Kevin, I don't mean to sound so self-centered. You just seemed really out of it earlier."

"Kevin, do you have anything you want to say to Nat?"

Kevin's eyes shot back and forth from Nazz to Nat. He sighed. "I didn't do anything to Edd. I swear."

"Ok Kevin, did he say something to you? That doesn't seem like him." Nat replied.

"No, he didn't say anything. The dork wouldn't do that. He even thought something was wrong."

"Is something wrong?" Nat asked, pressing Kevin for information.

"No, I just -" Kevin faltered, looking for words. "It's complicated."

"You can tell us Kevin." Nat offered in a reassuring tone.

Kevin looked at Nazz. She smirked and fidgeted a bit, seeming to tell him "it's time."

"Nat, I'm gay."

Nat practically fell off of the dresser. He caught himself and in disbelieve exclaimed, "what?"

"I'm gay." Replied Kevin with more confidence.

"Is that all this is about?" Nat laughed awkwardly, "why didn't you just tell us?"

Kevin's eyes darted over to Nazz and back to Nat. "Well -" he started.

Nat interrupted, "you mean you already told Nazz?" He walked around Nazz's back and looked at both of them.

"I told Nazz when we were juniors in high school."

"So you didn't tell me for like two years?" Nat seemed more hurt, again making the situation about his own feelings in the eyes of Kevin.

"Well, I knew when I was a sophomore and finally told Nazz when we were juniors. You should know that it was tough. And I just didn't want people to know."

"Kevin, you're my best friend. You could have said something to me."

"Oh come on Nat, you're so talkative. Everyone knows you're pan. And you're so talkative, you would have have flirted with me and everyone would have known."

Nat's face was red. "I think you should give people more credit with that. I didn't get beat up for being pansexual, not even once. I doubt you would have too."

"Yeah, but Double Dork was always picked on for people even thinking he was gay. Or just because he was a dork. Or an easy target."

"I didn't say it made sense, Kevin. And I'm also so pissed off that you would think I would flirt with you or not keep your secret. We're friends. And so what if I'm flirtatious? Just because I'm pan doesn't mean that I'm attracted to every person that walks by me, you asshole." Nat was getting more angry.

"Just calm down Nat, I didn't mean it like that."

"No, seriously. Fuck you Kevin. I hate that lame excuse. How are you any different than the guys that bullied Double Dude? You remember, James? James used to claim that he didn't want Double D in the locker room for gym because he'd check people out. Even if Double D was gay that doesn't mean he'd be attracted to every straight man that happened by. Just like I'm not attracted to everyone that I come into contact with."

At the mention of James, Kevin's heart sank. James was a large jock at their high school, he played football and baseball and liked to pick on Edd. When Kevin pushed for the bullying to stop he had a hard time with James, but James eventually focused his attention on someone else. To be compared to James really hurt Kevin.

"Hey man, I'm -" Kevin started.

Nat interrupted him again. "Seriously. You really piss me off sometimes. I need to go." Nat stormed out of the room.

Nazz shot out of the chair and leaned towards Kevin, "I'll be right back."

Nazz ran into the hallway and caught up with Nat. She calmed him down a bit and told him to take a moment to breath. He gave her a quick hug and went into his room, she went back into Kevin's room.

Nazz sat back in the chair and looked at Kevin, "he'll be all right. You know he gets worked up easily and I'm sure he didn't mean to say what he did. And you did choose stupid words, dude." She laughed.

Kevin still looked serious. "I know. He's a good friend and I should have told him."

"Well, maybe. But you've told him now." She started to get up and Kevin reached for her wrist.

"Nazz..." Kevin's eyes looked hurt as he looked up at Nazz.

"What is it Kevin? Something is wrong, isn't it?" Nazz looked concerned. "Did you tell Double D how you feel?"

"No, I wanted to, but I didn't. It's not exactly that."

"Well, what is it?"

Kevin paused, trying to come up with how to best talk about this as he remembered the faint scars on Double D. "Do you remember when we were sophomores and Edd missed a week of school?"

"Yeah, I think so. I remember Eddy told me that Edd was really sick. Why are you bringing this up? What does this have to do with today?"

"I thought about it when I was in Edd's dorm and I got really upset. I didn't tell Edd and that's why things were so awkward. He knew something was up."

"Well Edd is observant." Nazz laughed. "So nothing happened today between you two?"

"No, nothing happened. But I was thinking about Edd's absence. I don't think he was sick."

"What makes you say that?"

"I just keep replaying the events of that day over and over in my head. During lunch I went to my locker and I saw James and a few guys shoving Edd. They dragged him into a bathroom and I heard them shove him against a bathroom stall. I could hear Edd scream and I just kind of stood there and didn't do anything. I was afraid that if I helped him, they'd turn on me." Kevin looked away from Nazz, this was hard for him.

Nazz stared at Kevin. "Yeah, him and a couple guys were suspended for a few days right after that. That's right, I remember now. I think Marie Kanker was too, I heard she beat up James."

Kevin kind of smiled at the thought of Marie beating the hell out of James for laying a finger on Double D. She may have been crazy, but she sure as hell was protective of the dork.

Kevin looked back at Nazz. "Well, I waited there and watched the guys leave the bathroom. They were laughing and told me that I missed out. I laughed and they ran off to the cafeteria. I walked into the bathroom and Double D was pulling himself up off the floor. He had a bloody nose and one of his arms looked like it was bleeding too. I tried to help him up and he pushed me away, then he staggered around and leaned against the bathroom stall. He looked at me like it was my fault. Like I could have stopped it or something."

"Could you have?" Nazz asked.

"I don't know." Kevin answered. He looked towards Nazz who didn't seem to believe him. Kevin may have been able to stop him, but didn't because he was afraid. "I should have tried, but I didn't. So Double D just stared at me. He laughed, shook his head, and wiped some of the blood off his face with his hand. And he just walked right out the door like nothing had happened."

"Well, you know Edd. He shrugged off that kind of stuff and kept his spirits up. I know that school sucked for him, but-"

"I know, Nazz. I know." Kevin interrupted. "After he walked out of the bathroom I stood there for a second and headed to the cafeteria. I remember sitting at the table and looking over to where the Eds usually sat. Eddy and Ed were there, but Double Dork wasn't. Eddy was furiously texting on his phone and looked anxious, I assumed he was trying to contact Double D. So I started to get worried. I sat through my next three classes and when the final bell rang I ran out the door and got on my bike. I raced back to the Cul-de-sac and to the dork's house."

"What did you do when you got there?"

Kevin paused again. "Nothing."

"Nothing? What?"

"I didn't do anything. I stood outside the door trying to come up with something to say. I couldn't think of anything and I didn't think it would even help. What I should have done was stop James. But I didn't. It was too late to do anything so I stood there like a fucking idiot. I ran back to my bike and took off towards my house. God, I was such a fucking coward. I should have stopped James or gone inside his house to help him or something. I don't fucking know."

Kevin's eyes began to tear up a bit and Nazz quietly looked at him. She fidgeted a bit, trying to think of what to say, "I know it's tough Kev, but you didn't do anything to Double D, James did. I'm sure Double D is fine now. I know that you feel like you could have stopped him, but what's important is what you do now."

"That isn't all that happened, Nazz."

"Ok."

"I went back to my house and went straight up to my room. It was a really warm day, so I opened up my window and stretched out on my bed. I drifted off to sleep and woke up a while later at the sound of someone shouting."

"Someone was shouting?"

"Yeah, I heard someone shouting, it sounded like Eddy. I figured the dork was working on some kind of scam to get everyone with. I looked out the window and saw Eddy outside of Double D's house. I ran down the stairs and out the back door. I hopped over the fence into Eddy's backyard. I went through his yard and hopped the fence into Double D's yard. I stood behind a tree and peeked around it to see Eddy shouting into his cell phone and yelling back towards the dork's house."

"What was he yelling?"

"Honestly, I don't remember that too well. What I do remember better is what happened next."

"Ok?"

"I saw a pair of red flashing lights." Kevin's eyes started to water as Nazz reached forward and put her hand on top of his. "I-it was an ambulance. It pulled up in front of Double D's house and the paramedic got a stretcher out of the back. Then I saw Ed." Kevin started to get more choked up.

"It's ok, Kevin. What was Ed doing?"

"I saw Ed carrying Double D in his arms. Double D was unconscious and looked pale. Even more pale than usual. Ed put him on the stretcher and they all went away together. James must have hurt the dork really badly, he probably headed straight home and passed out from his injuries. He looked bloody, like James did more damage than I thought. Maybe he had a concussion."

"Kevin."

Kevin looked up at Nazz, tears streaming down his face. "I could have stopped that. I could have stopped James or I could have had the guts to go into the dork's house and find him. But I'm a fucking coward, and I left him. If it wasn't for Eddy and Ed, who knows what could have happened. Double D could have -" Kevin's voice cracked a bit, "he could have died. And I would have done nothing. I just sat down by the tree in his yard and felt like such an idiot. Sure I had stopped bullying the dorks for a while, but I let it happen. I'm no better than James."

"Kevin, don't talk like that."

"No Nazz, I was no better than James. I just let this happen. I could have stopped it or at least helped Double D afterwards. But no, I was too fucking scared. Then, as I sat there, I decided that I'd tell people to stop bullying him. To back off him because this went too far."

"See, you did do something right."

"Yeah, but I'm no hero. I'm a fucking coward, Nazz. Ed and Eddy are the real heroes here."

Nazz didn't know what else to say. She glanced at the clock, it was near one in the morning. She sat next to Kevin on the bed and embraced him. The admission and the embrace made Kevin feel lighter.