Hi Everyone, my apologies for the long absence. Things at work have been crazy and unfortunately I am not paid there to write fanfiction!
I have a few chapters mostly written so I aim to get them up and online in the next few days, so there will be some movement on the story soon.
All the best, hope everyone had a good Xmas and New Year and are back into the swing of things now.
Enjoy.
Emma woke still exhausted to the sound of a key being turned in the lock. It felt like she had only been asleep a matter of minutes, although she guessed it could have been a few hours if she was lucky. The damned woman asleep in her bed had been right, the couch was lumpy and uncomfortable and when you were frustrated and upset like Emma was, sleep didn't come easy.
If she had been alone she would have gone for a run to clear her head, or at least try and analyse why everything she said or did around Regina was going badly. Emma felt every time she opened her mouth or tried to do something nice it ended up going or feeling wrong. Last night she had invited Regina with good intentions and yet somehow they were both left feeling frustrated and annoyed.
Ultimately Emma hadn't gone for a run, she didn't think she could leave Regina alone in her flat. It wasn't that she didn't trust the brunette to be alone in her space, she just didn't think it was acceptable to invite someone over and then leave them while you went out. Of course it also wasn't acceptable to invite lonely and vulnerable women home with you, get them drunk and then try and jump them. Before the guilt and confusion could take root too deeply at this early hour of the morning Emma propped herself on her arms and lifted her head to see which of her family was coming through the door.
She cracked open a sticky eye that felt unbelievably heavy and watched from the couch as her son sneaked into the kitchen and grabbed the box of Fruit Loops. He was on the way back out the door when he noticed her watching him.
Shock registered on his face at seeing his mother on the couch instead of in bed. "Hi" He quickly greeted and shook the box of coloured breakfast cereal at her. "Grandma doesn't have Fruit Loops upstairs."
"Uh uh." Emma's mouth was dry and she was half naked under the blanket because she had failed to grab any other clothes before hastily escaping from her bedroom last night. She had stripped down to bra and panties thinking it would be fine, she didn't need any pyjamas. Unconsciously she pulled the blanket tighter.
"Why are you sleeping on the couch, did you fall asleep watching TV again?" Henry was watching her and Emma knew he'd sense a lie so she told him a very basic version of the truth.
"Your Mom stayed the night and I gave her my bed." Emma's voice sounded rough from lack of sleep and she tried to clear her throat, her mouth felt furry as she hadn't brushed her teeth and she knew she probably didn't look amazing but Henry held her gaze and seemed happy enough with the explanation before replying, "Oh, cool. Did you have fun?"
"Yes we did." Emma answered, thinking it was really good fun, before she had ruined a perfectly pleasant evening by panicking and running away. Emma tried not to tense as she heard footsteps from above and then the perfectly clear voice that held no sign of a hangover or rough edge that Emma's did.
"Good morning Henry." Regina moved fluidly and gracefully down the stairs, stopping at the end of the couch to collect her heels, her eyes meeting Emma's before the blonde pulled hers away in embarrassment.
"Miss Swan, thank you for the hospitality." Neither woman looked directly at the other, the brunette focusing on her son and Emma looking anywhere but at the woman who still managed to look stunning after sinking far too much alcohol the night before and probably sleeping as well as Emma had.
She kissed her son on his head as she swept out of the flat, perfectly poised without a backwards glance at the Sheriff who flopped back onto the sofa knowing things were on the way to being messed up again and not knowing what to do about it. She wanted to curse but knew Henry was still in the room, so she buried her head and took a deep breath and silently berated herself.
Regina walked quickly despite her headache, these days she didn't often leave her house and when she did any townsfolk she came across either crossed the street to avoid her, throwing dirty looks or sometimes accusations and abuse. Mostly they whispered about her if they were in pairs and stared, none were brave enough to stand in her way, but Regina knew there was always the chance they would overcome their fear and she didn't feel well enough to deal with any of the towns people's shenanigans this morning.
She kept her head down and only stopped to look up when she was on the walkway of her house. It looked much improved, you could hardly see the graffiti and spray paint or know the windows had been smashed, but Regina knew and her anger flared before she marched the last few steps and put her key in the lock.
As Regina walked through her front door and started to climb the stairs the anger slipped away, melting into something that bothered her far more. Anger was Regina's oldest friend, it was what she fell back on and gave her strength. It ignited her passion and was familiar but this new emotion, it had been lurking and festering inside her since Emma had left the bedroom last night. As the emotion swept fully through her and spiked she gasped at the sensation. The feeling of rejection that she had been able to push away last night came crashing down on her, eclipsing the anger entirely. The hurt she felt and insecurities it created in her intensified and it felt like all the powerfully negative emotions she usually kept pushed far back swept forward full force and she had no choice but to confront them. She felt her stomach roll and there was a strong physical reaction in her body as tears threatened to fall and her muscles immediately tensed in her shoulders. Her knees felt weak and she fought the urge to sink to the floor.
Why wasn't she good enough? Her mind whispered. What was wrong with her? Why didn't Emma want her? And then quickly the answers came. You weren't attractive enough, slim enough. You were a drunken mess. You are a horrid, vicious person and Emma sees you for what you truly are. She knows your past, how could she ever want you again?
With vision blurred by tears that by now were falling the brunette blindly reached out and grasped the banister, hauling herself to the landing where she did finally sink to her knees and let out a straggled cry. Her breathing ragged she stayed hunched over, her arms supporting her body as her body shook with repressed sobs, fuelled by the strength emotions she had never felt like this before.
Finally, slowly, she felt able to crawl across the landing and into the den where she propped herself against the sofa and sat on the plush carpet in the quiet room. She focused on regulating her breathing and calming her nerves. The feeling of rejection and the voices that taunted her gradually ebbed to be replaced by confusion. Regina had had much worse things happen to her than a lover running out on her, and yet she had never reacted so strongly before. Was it because it was Emma, was the annoyingly infuriating blonde beginning to mean more to her than she wanted to admit? No, that wasn't what this was.
Then maybe it was her head injury and perhaps things were still not right with her physically? She knew if that was the case she would never find out, going to the hospital and being made to ask for help, to admit a flaw or problem wasn't how she had been brought up. Asking for a MRI or CAT scan would be degrading and she also knew no matter how she approached it, what argument she made or even if she begged, the outcome would be the same, no-one would treat her in this town.
Whatever the reason for Regina's extreme loss of control she was in control now and she refused to allow it to interrupt her day. She didn't have a structure to her days anymore, she wasn't busy since she didn't have a job to go to, but she always found things to do. Today would be no different and with cleaning, housework, laundry and cooking she kept herself active and was able to divert her thoughts from dwelling on her earlier behaviour.
Trying to salvage her back yard from the blackened mess it had become, to make it a garden again with grass and plants helped as she was in the fresh air and warm sun. Even when a small child Regina had enjoyed being outside. Her Mother had always tried to discourage it, saying she would get dirty and that young ladies sat inside and drank tea, so it was obvious that being outside and away from her Mother would be one of Regina's favourite places. Not just because it annoyed her Mother, but because Regina felt free and unrestrained when the breeze blew through her hair and she could take a deep breath and smell the cut grass or the freshness after the rain.
As she turned over the dirt in a flowerbed and the damp soil released its earthy scent she was reminded of the fields of her childhood, of being outside with her father and later with Daniel and she closed her eyes and let a bittersweet smile grace her lips. Some things were lost to her forever, but very occasionally she could find a good memory that reminded her that although life had been hard, it hadn't all been awful and black and violent. If she wanted to change and to keep Henry then she would have to try and keep the good memories at the front of her thoughts, to stay positive and not let the darkness take over. In the sunlight she was sure she could do that, it would be hard but she was a fighter and determined she could do this.
Regina gasped as she woke from the nightmare, the worst she had had for a long time. Well the worst she could remember, the nights spent in the Sheriff Station must have been bad but she had no memory at all apart from what Emma had told her. This time the damned Imp had managed to worm his way into her dreams. She sucked in lungful's of air as she tried to calm her rapidly beating heart. The dream had been fragmented but she remembered the darkness and his caress against her skin that made her want to shudder and pull away but she was bound somehow.
His eerie voice had filtered through to her, telling her, "You need to pay."
"But I've paid enough!" She had argued, unable to see him but knowing he was near, the magic came off of him in waves and Regina felt helpless as she was unable to move and his magic flowed over her and extinguished hers completely.
"My father, my Kingdom, my whole life has been given to you so you could have your curse cast. I have nothing now, there is nothing left to give!"
"Not. Enough." He punctuated each word with a gentle slap to her face.
"What else do I have to give you? What would make you happy and get you to leave me alone?" There was a hint of pleading in her voice, and she hated it. This man had always made her feel that she wasn't good enough and now she had given everything and he was still asking her for more. He was so like her Mother, always pushing and demanding, manipulating to get what he wanted and he didn't care about the consequences for anyone else as long as he got what he himself needed.
"I don't know Dearie, maybe your life?" His voice was syrupy sweet, she could imagine the dancing light that would be in his eyes and the smile that would be gracing his scaly features. Somehow it made her angry that he could talk about ending her life and casting it aside so easily when all she had ever done was be his pupil and allow herself to be manipulated by him. Her life had been wretched and he had helped heap more misery onto it. Somewhat foolishly she allowed the anger to surface, she was bound but she still convulsed against the grip she was in, fighting the bonds holding her down.
"What did I do to you to deserve such a request?" She hissed through gritted teeth, her anger making her bolder, this time there was no trembling or pleading in her tone.
"Ahhh." He let the word hang between them. "That might be the first thing you have done right in your whole life. That might be the first correct question you ever asked."
Regina bristled, he was mocking her, poking fun at her whole existence. Her jaw was clenched and when she felt his rough skin caress her face again she was tempted to open her mouth and try and bite his offending hand.
"Good girl, you might learn something after all." His cloying remarks grated deep down inside her soul.
"What did I do?" She spat the question, hating the Imp even more as the conversation progressed.
"Belle." And suddenly she could see him because he was leaning over her and his breath washed over her face as his furiously dark eyes bored into hers. She felt the magic in the room increase, the tension and sparks round her grew and she realised she couldn't breathe. Rumple hadn't laid a hand on her but the magical grip round her was tightening and she felt it burning against her skin. She had been in this kind of magical grip before, it was one of her Mother's specialities, but she realised that her Mother must have shown some restraint because this was more severe, it hurt deeply immediately. And the crushing weight on her chest was driving the air from her lungs, she felt sure her ribs would break from the pressure.
That was when she had woken, her bedding kicked loose by her struggling form and her face clammy from sweat. Her hands stung from deep imprints of her nails on the palms where she had clenched them so tight in her sleep that the marks didn't disappear all the following day. They were marks Henry had noticed and had so gently run his fingers over when he came to visit the next afternoon.
She answered him with as much of the truth as she could, saying she slept badly and had nightmares without going into details. When he had hugged her goodbye she felt the love he had for her, the sympathy she would never have accepted from anyone else. He squeezed her hand as he was leaving and then immediately looked crestfallen as he mumbled that he didn't mean to hurt her. Soothing him with a smile and the gentle tone like she had always done she assured him that he hadn't hurt her, despite the marks throbbing at the pressure he had applied.
Emma looked at the clock, this was torture, there were still at least 2 full hours of work, and that was if she knocked off some minutes and left early.
There really wasn't anything to do and the boredom was soul sucking. The battery on her phone had run out from too much YouTube watching and her music playlists blaring. She had laughed at so many stupid cats, dogs and children all uploaded by equally stupid owners/parents and then danced round the station gyrating to the bass in her head. Phone speakers could only do so much to create a pumping disco environment. Emma had reached the end of her "That's Life!" magazine twenty minutes ago and now all she was left with was sitting and waiting for the phone to ring, that and her annoying thoughts, none of which were helping the day to pass any quicker.
The clicking of heels coming down the corridor only made Emma sigh. She had hoped the day wouldn't get any worse. But it was walking her way, there was no avoiding it. Perhaps Emma should be grateful Regina hadn't arrived an hour earlier and seen her being paid to dance round the station. At least she was seated and alert, looking ready for action. Even though the brunette wasn't the Mayor anymore, Emma was certain there would have been acerbic remarks about wasting tax payer's money or looking like a hooker with her swaying hips and shimmying body.
"Sheriff Swan." Regina greeted her.
"Your Highness." Emma tested the waters. This would be the first real chance they had to talk. They hadn't been alone since the night of drinking in her apartment, they had exchanged a few pleasantries while picking up or collecting Henry and that had been fine for them both. But it had been 5 days now and obviously Regina had got bored of skating round the issue. That was the only reason Emma could think of for her to be here.
The brunette rolled her eyes at Emma's welcome, but didn't make a sharp retort. There wasn't quite the frostiness between them that had existed before the curse and Emma silently thanked whatever God might be listening. She didn't want to go back to the way things were before Regina's stay in the cell at the back of the room. They had made progress and Regina was really trying to be better for Henry and it appeared that stupid drunken night hadn't ruined everything between them.
"I wanted to speak to you about Henry." Regina started, she still stood in front of Emma's desk, holding her hands together, looking uncomfortable, but taking some satisfaction that Emma hadn't stood and Regina could look down on her.
"As I'm sure you know, he came round to see me this weekend and discovered I'd had some difficulties sleeping. He went away and thought about it and allowed me to use some magic so I could make a herbal remedy from the old land." Regina took a breath, obviously struggling with what she needed to voice, "I know you were instrumental in that, so thank you."
"You don't need to thank me. He asked for guidance and I gave him my honest opinion. I trust you aren't using magic for frivolous things or to hurt anyone. I also know how hard things must be for you with Henry, I know you love him so very much and being apart and having him question that and your motives can't be easy to deal with. I know it wasn't Henry you were trying to poison, however badly that ended up playing out. He is young and confused so when he is unsure around you try not to take it personally. I'm sure he will work through it and the suspicion he treats you with will pass. I know it can't be easy." Emma tried to be open and smile and convey the honesty she was speaking with. She looked up into eyes she felt sure held a trace of guilt, before Regina moved her head and broke their connection.
"No, it isn't." came the forced out reply, the brunette wound so tightly that she hated giving anyone an insight on her feelings. That was why Emma knew she was unlikely to get close to the level of honesty they had previously shared. This was as close as Regina came to showing any kind of emotion in public.
"Hey." Emma's tone was gentle, "I do trust you. I believe you are working to be a better person. Henry realises it too. I forgave you for the turnover and the consequences, so will he in time."
Regina nodded, her eyes focused on some spot on the wall behind Emma's head.
Emma knew she was on borrowed time, Regina had come to thank her, and she had done that. The blonde knew the other woman well enough to know the likelihood was she would soon throw a witty and sharp remark out to deflect from the near crumbling of her emotional wall and stalk back out of the Station. Emma didn't want that to happen, she wanted to try and smooth things over, to get some of the negativity that still existed between them out in the open so they could move on.
Before Regina could bolt from the room Emma jumped in, saying:
"I need you to know that I think we both made mistakes last year, we were openly hostile and tried to divide Henry's love. We were horrid people towards each other and awful role models to the kid. Whatever our motives and however good our intentions seemed at the time our behaviour was wrong."
Emma was the one looking away now, as she tried not to think about how close she had come to giving in to the desire to leave Storybrooke and Henry, or to betray her own personal values and sink to retaliation, retribution, to give in to the darkest parts of herself. To Henry everything was so black and white, Emma was good, she was right. That in turn made Regina the Evil one, the black hearted villain. But Emma knew there was so much more to both women, shades of grey coloured them both. She hadn't stooped to poisoning but she had done plenty that she wasn't proud of.
The sad truth was something Emma was well aware of. She had given Henry up at birth, and he had never hated her for that. Regina had loved him unconditionally, given him a life Emma had only dreamed of for herself and her child when she gave him up, and he had turned on her and told her often he hated her. She mused that Life truly was unfair sometimes.
And now that woman stood in front of Emma, a woman she had wanted to slap, punch or beat senseless at times. And the brunette, in her own broken and stunted way, was thanking her for letting her see her own son. Life wasn't just unfair, it was really twisted too.
Emma continued, "However wrong our behaviour was, I do believe we both acted out of love for Henry, we both wanted what was best for him. You don't have to thank me, you should be able to see him because you are his mother and be given the same respect and opportunities that anyone else would as a loving mother and a human being."
Emma let her eyes travel back to the beautiful features stood above her. She licked her dry lips and looked at Regina's face trying to see if her words were resonating with the older woman. Was what she was saying getting in behind the mask?
"I know now standing in your way was wrong, that I did give up my claim on him at birth and we should have had a much more honest approach to sharing him. I should never have walked back into his life and tried to take him away from you like I did. He is a wonderful child, and that is because of you and the way you nurtured him. It took some time and some distance but I understand why you dug your claws in and fought so hard to keep him and I don't ever want to go back to that kind of relationship again. I hope by guiding him and helping him realise he needs you we can create a long lasting truce."
Emma stopped speaking and silence hung in the air. Emma wondered what was going on behind the mask and the highly guarded eyes.
Regina cleared her throat, pulling Emma away from her thoughts. "Well thank you for your time Miss Swan. I have things that require my attention so I will leave you to get on with your job. Good day Sheriff." and Regina spun on her heel as Emma stood.
"Regina?"
The brunette turned and raised an eyebrow, indication the blonde should continue.
"Henry will forgive you, in time. Despite everything, I'm grateful he came to you, I see the love you give him. I gave him up for a better life, and I believe he got that. You can never have too many people in your life that love you, and I will do my best to get him to see that you still love him and that there have been unfortunate circumstances in the past, but they shouldn't define his relationship with you. He needs to look past the last year and remember the happy times before that."
Regina nodded curtly at the woman and marched quickly through the door. She continued at pace down the hallway, her heels clicking against the hard floor. Her back was straight, head held high but she was blinking her eyes rapidly to clear the tears that threated to fall. She shouldn't have let herself be affected so badly by a hope speech, especially from that woman, but she knew Emma had spoken sincerely. It lifted her heart that Emma thought Henry wasn't out of reach, just distant. She needed to be patient, and patience was something Regina knew she had lots of, after all she had waited years for love and then revenge and even longer for some kind of meaning in her life. Regina's whole life had been spent waiting for some satisfaction so what was a little longer?
She felt a tear fall, but her lips had curled into a smile, not her trade mark smirk, but a genuine smile that tugged at her mouth. The irony wasn't lost on her that the infuriating blonde was part of the reason for her smile. Their relationship was like fire and ice, full of ups and downs, but Regina had to admit (if only to herself) she was glad she hadn't successfully poisoned the woman. She could be sweet and endearing and had said just the right things to manage to worm her way back into Regina's good graces after running away and leaving her frustrated after that drunken night.
As the tear dried in the outside air, Regina picked up her feet and walked back to her house with more purpose than she had felt in weeks.
It didn't last as Regina felt the optimism leave her when she entered her house. She was feeling more and more melancholy at home, only being outside in her garden lifted her spirits or when Henry came to visit and distracted her. That had been her real reason for leaving the house earlier and seeking out the Sheriff. She needed to see someone, some company, even if the topic of the conversation had left her feeling unsettled and over emotional.
She had begun to realise that being at home was slowly making her depressed, without a job to help her focus, keep her busy and get her out of the house and interacting with other people she felt useless and ostracised. Now she walked through the house that felt empty and bleak and seemed to suck any warmth from her soul. She stepped out into the back yard, collapsing on the new swing seat she had purchased not long ago and letting the rays of the sun try and heat her chilled body and cold heart the way Emma's words had done.
