AN - OKAY OKAY! So it is Actually VERY VERY early Tuesday morning, not Sunday, but I have good reasons, I just got back from a week of vaction on Sunday and I was sooo tired so I wrote all day today, but next chapter will be either Sunday or before Sunday I PROMISE! This chapter is plot sooooooooooooooooorry, but it's necessary. However I'm thinking smut next chapter maybe? We shall see depends on how things go!

Be sure to comment! And leave happy things to inspire me! Any ideas about the confession scene that WILL be happening next chapter would be loved! I'm thinking it will involved being pinned against a chain link fence, but I haven't decided?

follow me on tumblr: oswwinoswald or aloisearltrancy (for anime) Any questions or comments can be left there or here

and adressing a comment I got one or two chapters ago: in the anime they call Makoto 'Mako-chan' and since I' pretty much abandoning honorifics for this fic, I'm calling him Mako, it's also a name I see often in the fandom like on tumblr and such, but I'm gonna keep using it. Also Hanamura is sometimes called Hana-chan so she'll sometimes be called Hana see how this goes? Hope it doesn't bother you all that much I wanted it to seem more casual, ya know?

Anyway thanks so much for the lovely comments ily all!

Chapter 7 – Coming Clean

I ran. The instant my lips left his I ran. I ran because I didn't know what to say or what I should say or what I wanted to say. I ran because I'd just been on a nice date with an equally nice girl. I ran because no matter what I did I still didn't want people to know. I still wasn't ready. And I didn't know if I ever would be.

I knew he followed me, I don't know for how long, but I knew he did. Eventually he must have given up though because I'd been slumped up against the same building for an hour with no sign of Haru.

I was a stupid fucking wreck. A stupid gay fucking wreck.

I didn't know what to do or where to go, surely Haru went back to the dorm, which meant that was out of the question because obviously the only way to fix something was to avoid the thing until the thing either went away or forgot…neither of which seemed likely so I was stuck without any good ideas, I didn't have my phone, but there was change in the pockets of my trousers from earlier, and conveniently a pay phone in my direct line of sight so I chose to call someone I'd barely talked to since I came to this school. My mom.

I dialed her number, listening to the rings. One. Two. Three— "Hello?" Her voice was full of sleep.

"Uh…hi, Mom."

"Rin?" she sounded more awake now, "Rin baby are you alright? Where are you calling from?"

The way she went from cranky next door neighbor to momma bear in point five seconds reminded me of why I loved her, "A pay phone on campus…"

"Rin, why are you not asleep? Do you know what time it is? Where on campus?"

"Uh…no…I don't know what time it is and," I looked around, "by the volley ball gym I think."

"Two in the morning, did something happen are you alright?"

I sniffled, she was so worried, but would she still care if she knew why I was crying right now? "No…" I sniffed again, "I had a fight with my roommate…and uh, I really miss home."

"Sweetie, you know you can come home whenever you want, but baby what was the fight about?"

He couldn't tell her that because there was no fight. He was just a fucking screw up who didn't even know if his dream was worth the stress anymore, "It…it's complicated."

"Do you have your keys? Are you intoxicated? I'll come and get you—"

"Mom it's a two hour drive."

"It doesn't matter, if you're hurt I can—"

"No…I just…I wanted to talk to you."

"Then talk to me sweetie." Her voice was so soft, and he wanted nothing more than to hug her right now. God dammit…why couldn't he be a six year old again? Why couldn't life be uncomplicated? Why did he have to be this way?

"I…messed up…"

"Can you fix it?"

"I'm not sure."

"What did you do?"

"Something I can't take back…"

"What did he say?" she wasn't pressing for details which was an absolute blessing.

"I didn't really give him time to say anything…"

"Then he might not be as upset as you th—"

"No. He will be. Or…I mean either way…I did something stupid and I can't fix it."

"I'm sure it'll work out, which roommate is it? Surely Haru's on your side right?" He was quiet long enough she seemed to catch on, "Oh sweetie. Haru won't stay mad at you long. Not if you apologize."

"This isn't something I can't just say sorry for…"

"Goodness, sweetie, what did you do?"

"I…" he wasn't sure what to tell her.

"Did you steal his girlfriend or something, because Rin I raised you better…"

I sniffled, "Uh…" Just go with it, "yeah…"

"Rin Toraichi Matsouka! You know better! Playing with someone's emotions is the worst pain you can cause someone, you know that! Messing with feelings…honey…that hurts."

Rin wasn't exactly sure he'd messed with Haru's emotions partially because he wasn't sure Haru had any emotions period, let alone towards him, but he was sure kissing someone and then running away in some way probably most definitely counted as messing with emotions on some level. So Rin just whispered, "I know. And you don't understand mom, I'm so sorry. I wish I'd never done it." He didn't know whether or not that was true either because damn it had felt amazing.

"Maybe you should tell him that?"

"I want to, but…I-I don't know how…I'm not good with feelings…" Never had there ever been a more true statement, "But I know I want him to forgive me…or you know…understand why…because I care too much about him to lose him."

"You care a lot about him don't you? You've never been the type to feel especially bad about things like this…"

"He's my best friend…I need him to…I need him to understand…"

"You keep saying you need him to understand, but what exactly do you mean?"

I mean I want him to understand how I feel, and the situation, and why I kissed him, and why I can't be gay and why I'm scared, and I why just want him to kiss me again, and everything. Everything. I want him to understand everything. "I mean why I did it…"

"And why is that?"

"Because…I mean…because things needed to change."

He'd asked me if they would have and I said yes, but not because I didn't want them to. I did. I needed to get out of this fucking rut, but now that I was 'out' I sort of wanted to get back in. Like when you get out of a pool and the air is fucking freezing and all you want to do is let the water wrap itself around you again and make you feel warm…safe. That's what I wanted…I wanted to feel safe, but just like when you get out of the water, I knew that I would feel warm soon, but it wouldn't be the water that warmed me it'd be something else…it always was.

Hopefully this time that something was Haru.

Hopefully.

My mom was asking me something I didn't hear when the pay phones meter ran out. Probably what I meant, I wouldn't have known how to answer that, because even though I'd known something needed to change it was a change I wasn't ready for.

I slumped back against the building, resting my head in my hands. It must have been hours later that I heard my name being called, "Rin? What are you doing out here?" I looked up meeting Hanamura's green eyes, her hair was in a high ponytail, and she wore track shorts and a tank top.

"Uh…I…what time is it?"

"Four-forty-five? Are you alright?

"I just…I don't have my phone on me and I haven't been paying attention."

"Rin answer the second question. Are you alright? Are you hurt?"

"No I'm not hurt, but I'm not alright either." I was about to be painfully fucking honest to a girl I'd been on a date with less than eight hours ago.

"What's wrong?" she was kneeling now, her hands grasping mine gently.

"Have you ever done something you didn't exactly want to do, but then you realize it was something you needed to do?"

"…Not exactly, but I think I understand what you mean…What happened?"

This poor girl was too fucking nice to have to deal with an asshole like me that was for damn sure. "I kissed him."

She seemed confused, "What?"

"I kissed him and now everything's fucking ruined."

"Kissed who?" her face had fallen, but she didn't look any less concerned than she had been moments ago.

"Haru."

"You kissed Haru? Why would you kiss Haru?"

"Because I've been in love with him for six years." Plain and simple.

She swallowed, "Six years?"

"We were eleven when I figured it out…I've hidden it for six years and…and I just…I couldn't do it anymore. I kissed him…and it just…I feel like my whole life is breaking apart and I can't fucking stop it and I don't know what to do."

She squeezed my hands, this is the part where she asks about her, about why I'd gone on a date with her if I loved Haru, I waited for her to ask, but she just…didn't… "Hey," she wiped a tear off my cheek that I didn't know was there, "Rin, don't worry. It's gonna be alright. What did he do? What happened after you kissed him?"

I sniffled, "I ran."

"What did he do?"

"He chased me for a little while, but he stopped I guess."

"Well you're a good hour away from your dorm, he probably lost you…"

"Probably…I went the darkest way I could find so it's likely."

"You didn't want to talk to him?"

"What was I supposed to say? Hey um, I just got back from a date with a pretty girl, and this is crazy, but I fucking love you, so date me maybe?"

She suppressed a laugh, "Maybe tell him how you feel about him? I mean you kissed him, but you didn't actually tell him how you felt…did he kiss you back or was he shocked?"

"He kissed me back I guess…"

"Ya think maybe he'd like to know? I mean you kissed him and he kissed you back, maybe he feels the same way?"

"It doesn't matter if he does."

"How on earth could it not matter?"

"Gou doesn't know yet…and neither does my mom…I know Gou would be okay with it, I know that, believe me I do, but my mom would never accept it. She'd never let me come home…and I…I'm scared because I don't want to lose her. I'm not ready to lose her—"

"Did you ever think maybe she'd take it better than you think?"

"She hates gays Hanamura."

"Now maybe, but if it were her son…her own son, do you really think she'd hate you?"

"…I…"

"Gou talks about your mother often. She raised both of you pretty much on her own after your father died right? She worked two jobs, but even with that, on Sundays she'd always take you both to the market, then when you got home she'd teach you how to cook. A new meal every Sunday, that's what Gou said. A women with two jobs, trying to feed two kids and herself…and still making time to spend time with each of you? She seems like she loves you a lot Rin. She doesn't seem like to sort of person who'd give up her kid over something like sexuality…I don't know her…I don't know what she'd do, but I'm just saying even if it takes her a while to come to terms with it…I bet she'd learn to love you for it."

I'd forgotten how close Hana was to Gou. Best friends. That's what Gou had said. Of course Gou talked about our mom. Of course she did, Gou loved our mom…so did I. I mean she was my mom and no matter what I loved her, but I liked to avoid problems. Pretend they don't exist. Which obviously doesn't work as well as I'd like it to, but either way, my mom was the sort of problem I liked to ignore, so I didn't talk about her much, Gou on the other hand talked more than the average person. Hana probably knew our entire family history.

Since I didn't answer I suppose Hanamura decided to keep talking, "You shouldn't hide who you are…I mean I know I'm not that experienced in this area or anything, but I definitely believe that. You deserve to be happy, and if you think being with Haru would make you happy then you should be with him or at least tell him how you feel. You say it wouldn't matter if he liked you back but that isn't true…we both know if he said he liked you it'd make everything just that much more worth it."

It was true. If I knew for a fact I'd have something happy to fall back on then I'd be more willing to come out. But isn't everyone more willing to tell the truth when they have a safety net?

"Just make sure you know what you want before you do anything. Like you know he's what you want."

"He's what I want. I've known that longer than I care to admit."

"Then tell him that, but first you need to sleep. You look awful…well I mean as awful as a gorgeous male swimmer can look."

I laughed, "Can't. He's at home."

"Oh well, come on then," she gets to her feet extending friendly hand, "You can sleep in my bed. I'm done with it for the day anyway."

"Won't your roommate be a little surprised?"

"She'll get over it." Hanamura laughed, "You're gay anyway, no worries."

That was the first time someone else had actually said that. Surprisingly it felt good.

I took her up on her offer, her roommates were a bit surprised, but got over it and I fell asleep as soon as I hit the mattress.

It was like twelve pm when I finally woke up, to Hanamura shaking me, "Gou is freaking the hell out get up!"

I groaned, "What the fuck?" my voice was sleep filled.

"Gou has called me nine-teen times she's worried sick about you, come on you have to get up."

I sat up lazily "Lemme call her." I opened my hand for the phone.

"What are you gonna tell her?"

"The truth?"

She placed the phone in my hand, "Okay…"

I dialed my sisters number, she picked up on the first ring, "Hana! Have you seen—"

"Hi Gou."

"Rin! What the hell are you doing with Hana's phone? Where are you?"

"She let me borrow it, I'm fine."

"Haru said you ran off! Why'd you run off Rin?"

"What exactly did Haru say?"

"You were swimming and you just ran off."

I laughed, that cute god damn lying son of a bitch. He was a terrible liar, but hey at least he'd attempted, "Can we meet?"

"Yes. Right now please. Where?"

"How about you meet me in the lobby of the faculty dorm?" I was in the girls dorm faculty was a five minute walk, "Like six minutes."

"Okay. I'll be there." She hung up.

"Six minutes?" Hanamura raised an eyebrow.

"I need to get this over with."

"Okay…" she walked with me to the door, "Good luck."

"Thanks for everything…and I'm sorry…"

"Don't be…and don't worry everything will work out."

"I hope so…" I said quietly, five minutes later I found myself at the faculty dorm, with Gou wrapped up in my arms.

"What happened?"

"It's a long story." I said my voice as steady as it could be.

"Haru is so fucking worried about you right now, he waited up all night for you to come home. He's freaking out Rin. What even happened?" My heart ached. He'd waited up for me?

I smiled at her, "Nothing happened. I'm fine, Haru and I had a fight and I got worked up, but I'm fine now."

"You can't just disappear for five hours on us, you can't worry your friends like that. Jesus Rin we didn't know what happened to you!"

"I know…"

"Seriously…I just…what even set you off?"

"I'll tell you later…I should probably talk to Haru though…"

She breathed out, "I've never seen someone so fucking worried before Rin. He's been looking for you since sunrise."

"Where is he now?"

"They all had to go to swim practice. Makoto made him go…he didn't want to…" Haru didn't want to swim? What the fuck had I done?

I nodded, "I've got to go talk to him Gou."

"Good idea." She released me, "Go. Call me when later though after you talk it over…"

"I will. And uh…I love you…and I'm sorry…for worrying you I mean."

She rolled her eyes, "I always worry about you Rin. Always.."