I originally posted this IT spinoff as an independent story, for ostensibly no fucking reason. However, seeing as Halloween is bearing down on us, I have decided to make October...

Horror Movie Spinoff Month!

Coming up... We've got the promised Zombie episode. I've also been considering what other 3 films to pay home-page to. In order to make this interesting, I will be holding a vote! A poll will come up containing my options, which are as follows:

It Follows

The Thing

The Ring

The Shining

The Sting (not really)

Alien

Rosemary's Baby (could possibly tie-in with the Draco mpreg parody)

The Haunting of Hill House

The Fly

[Insert Generic Slasher Flick]

Be sure to vote when the poll comes up! Hopefully I'll follow through. Wouldn't that be new?


"Today you will be facing your fears," Snape began, staring out over the first year Gryffindor's like a vulture over carrion. "Partly to prepare you for future challenges, partly for my amusement. Inside this chest," he pointed to said chest, "is a boggart, a creature that manifests itself as your worst nightmare. Who would like to go first. How about you?"

"Aren't you going to tell me how to fight it?" a red-haired boy asked as he stepped forward.

"No," Snape replied, then he threw open the chest and hit the deck.

The first year author-surrogate stepped towards the chest, shaking slightly. The sound of carnival music suddenly filled the classroom. A gloved hand reached out from the chest and grabbed the edge, followed by another. Then, a white-painted face emerged. "Hello, children!" the clown sneered.

"Oh, fuck," Snape whispered.

"Who wants a balloon?"

The entire class gave a collective shriek and stampeded for the door, leaving Snape to stare down the clown alone.

"You are not a regular boggart, are you?" the Slytherin professor said slowly, as he pulled out his wand.

"No, siree, bucko," the clown replied. "I'm Pennywise, the Dancing Clown. Do you want a balloon?"

"Do they float?"

The clown smiled, revealing sharp teeth. "I'm glad you asked…"


Two days later, the school was in chaos (or at least, more so than usual).

"Four students torn apart by this… creature," McGonagall said gravely, pacing back and forth through the teacher's lounge, "and all we found of Snape was his index finger."

"How can we stop It?" Flitwick squeaked. "We don't even know what It is!"

"Vassago, you must know something about this creature," the Transfiguration professor turned to the demon. "Can you stop it?"

"Hell, no," the demon replied. "I ain't tangling with no freaky clown."

"Don't tell me you're scared of clowns, Vassago."

"Of course I am! Everyone's afraid of clowns! I mean, how do they all even fit inside those tiny cars? And the face paint: they're always smiling, but are they? And the balloons!"

Just then, a single red balloon floated down from the ceiling, hovering in the middle of the room. "Did someone say balloons?" a voice asked.

The demon gave a surprisingly emasculating scream. "Fuck this, I'm outta here!" he shotued as he turned and dove straight through a window.

There was a dramatic silence. "Did he know we're on the fifth floor?" Sprout asked.

"No, I did not!" a weak voice shouted back.


"We have to do something."

It was the first meeting of the Hogwarts Loser's Club. They chose Moaning Myrtle's bathroom as the location of their first meeting, as Myrtle didn't really get out much.

"It's not so bad being dead, you know," the ghostly girl said, floating over the other students morosely. "You don't have to eat, or sleep, or use the toilet."

"That does sound pretty good," Neville conceded. "I can't tell you all how many times I've had to change pants this week."

"TMI, Neville," Draco said.

"Who are you again?"

"Merlin, Neville, it's me," Draco pulled of the wig.

"Oh, hey Draco; where'd Mike Hunt go?" Luna asked.

"You're all fucking stupid."

"The author is a sucker for Flanderization," the Ravenclaw replied.

"I've been doing research," Colin Greevey stepped forwards with an old photo album. I found this in the Restricted Section of the library."

"How'd you get past Pince?" Neville asked.

"She got eaten by It yesterday night, so she had other things on her mind." He flipped open the book. "Anyway, apparently this clown has been terrorizing Hogwarts once every 27 years."

"What does it do the other 26 years?" Draco asked.

"Vacations in Maine, apparently." Colin gestured to a picture. "Look, they caught him on camera once."

It was a grainy black and white shot of the clown in close up, mouth wide open. "Looks like the photographer was killed seconds after taking it," Neville pointed out.

"Awfully convenient."

Just then, the picture came to life. "Hello, kiddies! Did I scare you?" Pennywise asked, stepping back into shot and grinning menacingly.

"Not really, moving pictures are kinda the norm," Colin said.

"...Oh."

Colin snapped the book shut and frisbee-tossed it into a clogged toilet. "So, I've been looking up ways to stop It."

"How do we kill It?" Draco asked.

"We can't."

"Is It the Tim Curry one or the remake?" Luna asked.

"Shut up."

"What if we use the power of our imagination?" Neville suggested.

"That is the stupidest idea I've ever heard," Draco said, pausing to glance up at the reader.

"Who are you looking at?" Myrtle asked.

"Well, first thing's first, we have to find Its lair," Draco continued.

"It's probably down in the sewer system somewhere," Luna said.

"What evidence do you have of this?"

"Well, all the students were killed while going to the bathroom."

"...Good point."

"I bet he's in the Chamber of Secrets," Myrtle said. She flew over to the sinks. "If I recall, we can get down to it through here."

"Great… how do we open it?"


"They promised me I didn't have to be in this chapter," Harry muttered, following the Loser's Club into the toilet.

"Just use Parseltongue to open the door and you can leave."

"Fine. Open," the sink slid aside. "There, now if you excuse me, I have a Dean Koontz novel to read.

"I'd've pegged you as more of a Stephen King fan," Luna said.

"Fuck no, King's a fucking hack." Harry glanced up at the reader.

"Why does everyone keep looking at the ceiling?" Neville shouted.


"Look, it's the Basilisk Harry killed in second year."

"I know, Neville. I saw the movies, too," Draco replied, stepping around the creature's remains. Colin raised his camera. "I swear, Colin, if you take one shot, I will smash it over your skull."

"C'mon, it's my one defining character trait," the young Gryffindor whined.

"Fine, but let's make it a group shot."

"Alright, everyone gather together. No duck faces. C'mon, Myrtle, smile."

"I am smiling."

Colin snapped the picture. "That'll go in my 'Dangerous Adventures' Album."

"Have you been on many dangerous adventures?" Malfoy asked.

"...I was kidnapped and tortured by a deranged portrait artist. He took… so many photos."

"Now is not the time for further character development."

Luna knelt down and picked something up. "He's here."

"What is it?" Myrtle asked.

"A balloon animal." Luna held it up. "It's a giraffe."

"Nice." Colin reached forwards to pet it. The giraffe opened its mouth and bit him. "Fuck!" Laughter echoed through the Chamber.

"What's wrong, Colin? Didn't pay enough attention in Care of Magical Creatures?" The Basilisk skeleton began to shake, bones pulling together and attaching. Seconds later, a giant Basilisk skeleton towered over them. "What's the proper protocol for this situation?"

"That is some pretty good CGI," Luna remarked.

"Don't let him catch you in his Deadlights!" Colin shouted.

"His what?"

"I don't know, it's never really explained."

Malfoy shot a blasting curse at the skeleton, which exploded into dust. "Show yourself, You circus reject motherfucker!"

"It'll take more than that to bait me."

"You look like Ronald McDonald's less-handsome twin!"

"Nope, not falling for it."

"Balloon animals are fucking gay!"

"Oh, that is It!" The clown suddenly leapt down, fangs bared, then paused. "Get it?"

"What are we gonna do?" Neville asked, shaking.

"Yeah, kids, what are you going to do?"

"We're gonna kick the everloving shit out of you, Freakshow!" Draco snarled, stepping forwards and raising a baseball bat.

The clown stood up straight, "I was not expecting that."

The ensuing curb stomping was breathtaking in its brutality. It was kinda like the last scene in Death Proof. Oh, you've never seen Death Proof? It's great, Tarantino's most underrated film. Kurt Russell is a killer stunt driver, and there's a clever homage to Vanishing Point, and it's got Zoe Bell, who is just sexy as all hell and kicks ass to boot. Seriously, go to Blockbuster and get Death Proof. Are there still Blockbusters around? Fuck, I'm old.

Draco threw down the bloodied bat, staring down at the twitching mound of bone and paste before the group. "We did it, we killed It."

"Not yet," Luna said. "We have to complete the ceremony."

"What ceremony?"

"We have to have underaged group sex to remove our innocence and naivety, thus transitioning from frightened children into rational adults." There was a long pause as everyone stared at the Ravenclaw girl with looks of disgust and repulsion. "Are we not going to follow that part of the book?"


Twenty-seven Years Later…

Draco Malfoy put down his quill and leaned back in his office chair. His eyes wandered over to the over his desk. A photograph hung there, the Hogwarts Loser's Club, smiling for Colin's camera. Draco smiled. So long ago.

Just then, the photo shifted, as Luna's face morphed into a clown. "Hey, look, I've got tits," the clown said, cackling.

Draco fell out of his chair. Lying dazed on the floor, he watched as a balloon drifted through an open window and landed next to him.

To be continued?...

No, we're done here.