Returning back to school, after my unusual spring break, was difficult. My roomie Hannah kept a suspicious eye on me and I'm sure she sensed some sort of change in my attitude. I wanted so badly to tell her everything, but I didn't know where to start. I was also afraid Hannah would judge me for spending my week with a rich old man and agreeing to marry him, as she should. I was already judging myself harshly enough and the more I thought about it the more I doubted I could actually go through with it.
"You've been staring at your desk, unmoving, for like 15 minutes now. Didn't know if you were aware of that," Hannah observed, her dark brow peculiarly arched.
"No," I sighed as I laid down my pencil and then buried my face in my hands with a moan.
"What is it?" Hannah questioned rolling away from her desk and bringing her chair closer to me.
"It's just, well, you may be getting a different dorm mate next semester. My parents are having some financial problems and the future…" the future all depends on me, I thought, but I couldn't say that without opening up about Ben. "The future isn't looking good, so who knows if I'll be able to return next semester."
"What?" she gasped. "But no! I don't get along with other people and neither do you. We have this great introverted friendship thing going. I can't have that with anyone else! Remember when Alison from England lived with us? It was a nightmare! She had to comment about every little American thing we did and everything we did was rubbish."
I chuckled. "Oh, I remember. Trust me, moving out is not what I want either, so," I let out a breath, "I'm going to speak to the RA and weigh out my options for tuition."
"Maybe you're being hasty. Maybe your family's business is just a little slow right now."
"Ya," I mumbled and picked up my pencil again as I tried to focus on my assignment.
As the semester went on I found myself focussing in on my work in an effort to distract myself from the choice I made. Two weeks had passed since I had given my answer to Ben and he still hadn't called. I began to think that maybe he came to have his own second thoughts, but that assumption was quickly put to an end.
It was late one evening when I heard my cell phone ring and nervously, I looked down to see who was calling. It was not Ben as I assumed, but my mother.
"Hello, mom."
"Emilia," my mother rasped. "You're father and I just spoke to Benjamin Rogers."
My stomach clench in dread. "Okay?"
There was a long pause before my mother tightly said, "He told us you agreed to marry him."
I looked around the dorm and saw that Hannah had her headphones on and was too busy reading to take notice to me, but playing it safe I stepped outside the room and into the empty hall.
"Sorry. I'm back."
"So, is it true?" my mother snapped.
"Yes," I squeaked. I quickly covered my mouth and looked around to make sure no one else was outside their room.
"Are you crazy!" she questioned shrilly. "He's got to be 65! You can't marry a man you'll have to bury within 30 years!"
I let out a long moan before saying, "I know it's crazy, but I don't think his intentions aren't as disturbing as we thought."
"Aren't as disturbing?" she repeated in a derogatory tone. "How do you know that? Why else would he want a girl that's barely an adult?"
"I… I don't know," I confessed, "But what it comes down to is that I am an adult and he doesn't expect me to change my life. He said he wouldn't ask me to quit school and he'd even help me out financially. He'll also be helping our family. He's offering a lot for someone whose only intention is to have someone younger to share a bed with."
"Someone younger?" she repeated crisply. "No. I'm not letting you do this."
"You were in support of me visiting him," I pointed out. Admittedly, it was a desperate attempt to sway her.
"That was because you were supposed to convince him that the two of you had nothing in common!" she contended.
Damn it. "I've… I've already made my decision," my voice wavered. "I'm going to do this."
My mother let out a condescending laugh. "You're too naive to make a decision like this. I understand you probably feel like it's some sort of obligation, but it's not Emilia. We can find another investor. We can take out a loan or maybe try to sell the business and start over again?"
"That's going to take time and," I gulped, "And maybe this is selfish, but I don't want to take time out of school while you guys are working things out. This is the quickest and best solution mom." I touched my lips in disbelief. Did that really come out of my mouth?
"You're going to ruin your life doing this.".
"How can you say that? It's not like I'm using drugs or dating some leech. Despite Ben being old, he can at least offer me a good life."
"Yes, but what about love?" she questioned. "Don't you want that someday?"
"Maybe with time we'll have our own kind of love," I reasoned. I wasn't certain I believed in my own statement, but I wanted to win the argument. My parents had controlled every aspect of my life because they controlled the finances. It felt empowering having that chain severed.
"I still think you'll regret this," she groaned. "But I can tell you aren't going to listen."
"No. I don't have to anymore," I said, my mouth form into a triumphant smile.
"Is this what this is all about?" she questioned. "Your father was right. You're doing this as an act of rebellion."
"You know what? In a way maybe I am, but I also know that I'm doing this because I want to. I don't completely understand it, but I like who Ben is and I like the life he can offer me."
"I don't want to talk about it anymore," she moaned. "Just call me back when you come to your senses."
"Bye mom," I groaned before hanging up.
Hearing me stomp back into the room Hannah turned around with a concerned look. "You all right?"
"Ya," I fumed and plopped down in my chair.
Although my mind was elsewhere I began shuffling through some fabric swatches. They were all different shades of charcoal, but one stood out the more than the others. It was dark gray lace. I ran my fingers over it as my thoughts began drifting away from my anger.
"Wouldn't this look beautiful over ivory?"
Hannah looked over my shoulder. "I guess," she said. "But I didn't think ivory was your thing."
"It's not, but—" I paused not wishing to disrupt the picture forming in her mind. "I've got an idea for a design."
Fearing I'd lose my inspiration my hands quickly began to draw the dress. Hannah watched on intrigued and as it began to take shape she observed, "It looks vintage. Are you designing this for an assignment or for yourself?"
"For myself," I muttered, shading in a few areas.
"It would look amazing with like a scarlet rockabilly hairstyle. I'm getting ready to dye mine again. You want to change up your color too?"
"No," I said running my fingers down to the end of my braid and remembering when Ben had wrapped his finger around a strand in my dream. "I've kind of grown attach to the ends being lavender."
"Lavender? Hm? I guess it is kind of a lavender color," Hannah said glancing at my braid before going back to her desk.
Once my drawing was done I took a picture of it and texted it to Ben with the message, Wedding Dress? I felt a sort of excitement and I laughed at myself thinking, I can't believe I'm getting giddy over this.
Sitting up in bed I kept looking at my phone expecting Ben to call me or text me back, but within 30 minutes all I got was a useless email notification for coupons. After that I put my phone aside and tried several times to close my eyes and relax, but between the infuriating conversation with my mother and my brief burst of inspiration for my wedding dress I couldn't seem to settle.
Peering out the window, right next to my bed, I blinked my eyes several times at the moon. With my eyes traveling from twinkling star to star, I finally began to feel sleepy and with another heavy blink I opened my eyes to find I was staring out at a row of windows. I quickly sat up and looked around. I was in Ben's guest bedroom.
"Ben?" I called as I began searching the moonlit room for him.
"Emilia," he said from behind me. I turned and he stepped out of the shadowy corner of the room.
"You're young again." I crossed my arms and frowned. "And you entered my mind again."
He gave her a sheepish grin. "I know you didn't want me entering your dreams again, but I wanted to speak to you face to face rather than on the phone. I can see now that was a bad decision. You're angry with me."
"I should be, but I'm not," I said as I approached him, trying to appear composed. With old Ben I never felt flustered, but with the younger I couldn't help it. A swirl of flutters filled my stomach and a flash of heat traveled over my flesh as our eyes met. "This whole dream thing still freaks me out. Do you feed me subliminal messages or something?" I asked. "It's like some sort of mentalist mind trick, right?"
"No," he said taking a step closer, leaving only a few inches of space between us. Typically I would have taken a step back, but I couldn't. I was hypnotized by his sky blue eyes that bore into mine.
"Are you sure you're not a hypnotist?" I questioned.
"I promise," he replied in a husky voice, "I'm not."
"Dark wizard?"
"No," he said with a quirked grin as his eyes traced over my body and his fingers danced up the curve of my waist.
Feeling those long fingers brush the sides of my breast I let out a shuddering breath and lowered my eyes. As I did I could see I was wearing exactly what I had gone to bed in; an oversized black sleeveless t-shirt and rainbow striped underwear.
"Oh, shit!" I gasped and pulled down on my shirt to hide my underwear. "How did that happen? I need dream pants."
"No," he lightly chuckled, grasping my waist and pulling the length of my body against his. "This is you and...it's sexy."
I timidly met his gaze. "That is something I have never been called."
"I find that hard to believe."
"I'm adorable. Not sexy," I corrected. "However," I whispered running the tips of her fingers up the back of his neck, "You are a very attractive man… or at least you once were."
Setting me back on my feet I could see he was hurt by the last of my words, but I had a feeling that the pain in his eyes went deeper than my comment.
"I'm sorry. Sometimes, I don't think before I speak."
"No. You're right. I'm not what I use to be," he muttered with a distant look. His gaze then returned to mine and his hands came to rest to each side of my face as he added in a wavering voice, "But I can be again."
I searched his eyes."What do you mean?"
"I wish I could just tell you."
"Why can't you?" I asked as he leaned down closer, his lips hovering just over mine.
"It doesn't matter," he murmured as his half-lidded eyes fixed on my lips. "I said too much."
But before his lips could so much as brush against mine I jerked away from him and took a few steps back. "I'm getting tired of these mind games," I said through my teeth.
"It's not a mind game. It's something beyond my control. You have to trust me on that."
"I don't have to," I snapped back. "I chose to."
He gave me a despondent nod and again came to stand before me. "Let's forget it," he murmured. "That's not why I came to you tonight. I wanted to let you know I spoke to your parents."
"Ya. I know," I sneered. "My mom called me pretty upset."
"I'm so sorry," he said looking away regretfully. "I thought I had reasoned with them enough. I made it clear that I wouldn't expect you to change your life or to be intimate with me."
"It doesn't matter what they think. I already made up my mind to marry you," I muttered with a tinge of annoyance.
He looked taken aback as if hadn't expected that. "Are you sure?"
"Isn't that what you want in exchange?"
"I wish you wouldn't see it that way," he pleaded, lifting his hand as if to touch me, but then dropping it as I moved away from him. "Can you not see I love you?"
"I'm not sure it's love you have for me Ben," I muttered uncomfortably. "Maybe infatuation."
"I admit at first it was, but I have no doubt in my mind that I love you now, Emilia. I love who you are. I love wasting the days away with you, laughing and talking about... whatever comes to mind. I love watching you sketch away and I love how your expressions change while you're reading." He took my hands in his and traced my fingers with his thumbs. "Look in my eyes and you will see I'm not lying."
I let out a long exhale and looked up at him with a frown. "Let's not bring love into this."
The corners of his mouth dropped, but he nodded understandably. "I'll let you be the next one to mention it."
"Was there another reason you came to me tonight?"
"Yes," he said releasing my hands. "What's your ring size?"
"A five."
He smiled. "Then it should fit."
"What?"
"The wedding ring." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a ring. It had some wear to it, but it didn't take away from its beauty. It was a silver band with swirling ivy and flower designs and set between two pearls was a large sapphire.
"I think a few of the prongs need replacing. I don't think they are holding the sapphire securely enough. I suppose I should get it replaced with a diamond anyways. I know that's traditional," he said slipping the ring onto my finger.
"I'm not traditional," I reminded him as I stared down at the ring in awe. "This looks quite old."
"It is. It's been passed on through the generations on my mother's side, but if you want something a little more modern…"
"No!" I interrupted. "No. This is perfect. It's the kind of ring I always wanted but are you sure you want to give it to me?"
"Of course. I couldn't imagine it on anyone's hand, but yours."
"I'm surprised it fits. Usually, I have to get my rings resized," I said running my fingers over the intricate open design. "I wonder if it's because we're in a dream. Do you know this ring's size?"
"No, but I'll find out. I just remember it was always too small for my mother to wear, but you're built more delicately than her."
I held out my hand admiring how it looked on me. "Odd how accurate these dreams are about some things," I said lifting my eyes to his young face. "And not others."
He shrugged. "I don't understand it myself, but like I told you, I'm not sure I'm the one in control."
I rolled my eyes. "And I suppose you aren't going to tell me who you think is."
"I will one day," he promised taking my hand in his and tracing his thumb over the ring. "Have you decided on a date?"
"I was thinking of taking this summer semester off," I said nervously. "We could get married then."
His mouth broadened and his eyes lit up. "That would be perfect. Where would you like to get married? Back in Montana?"
"No. I would prefer if we just got married at a courthouse in Oregon... or anywhere else but Montana. I could ask my sister Cecile to be the witness."
"I suspected that when I saw the drawing of your dress. It doesn't look like a church wedding dress."
"I guess it doesn't, but I never imagined myself in a wedding dress like all my friends did."
"That's because you don't need to wear a wedding dress to look beautiful," he said eyeing my t-shirt cladded body.
"How about next time you use your freaky dream powers to put me in a little more clothing."
He grinned mischievously. "So does that mean you'll let me back into your dreams?"
"With permission. I'll text you and invite." I wrinkled my nose. "That's so weird. Should the text read, You're cordially invited to Emilia's dreams or should it be more direct like, Time for brain invasion?"
"I like the second," he said pulling me against him once more. This time he didn't give me a chance to wiggle away as he captured my lips. Like his previous kiss, it was contained and I could tell by his quickening heartbeat against my chest that he wanted to deepen it, but he refrained from doing so. I knew he held back out of respect, but in some ways I wished he would just kiss me with all the desire he was suppressing. I knew there was a deeper passion he was harboring for me and my shameless curiosity pushed me to test it.
With my eyes fluttering shut and my arms wrapping around his neck, I ran the tip of my tongue over his lips. I felt his broad shoulders tense and when I opened my eyes his firm body against mine was replaced with a squishy pillow. I was back in my own bed.
