Chapter 7: The Girl Who I Think I Might Like
I awake to find Annie holding on tightly to all the covers. She's turned over in her sleep so she is facing me and I feel her body against me through the duvet. I run my fingers through my hair in order to try and remember what happened last night and why I'm in Annie's bed as first thing in the morning isn't usually the peak time for my brain. Everything comes rushing back to me all of a sudden. I know I really shouldn't be in here. If anyone saw, I know they'd take it the wrong way. I'm pretty sure that there's some rule against sleeping with your Tribute, even if you didn't actually sleep with them but you were in an unfortunate situation in which it looked like you had.
So as quietly as possible, as not to wake her, I tiptoe across the room to the door and leave, closing it, trying not to make a sound. I glance at her one more time as I leave, her hair messy now from sleeping but her face so innocent and peaceful. The feeling in my chest returns, it's an aching sensation. It feels like something trying to escape, fluttering inside. It makes me feel shy, nervous even and I can't stop the feeling. I don't know what it is! Maybe it's something I ate. However it isn't just a painful ache for some reason it makes me feel happy, like I can smile, sing, dance. I remember Annie holding my hand and it makes my chest again do back flips.
Why? And why only with Annie? I know she's pretty but she's seems more like a sister to me. I think. I don't know because I've never felt like this and I shouldn't be able to. In the Games I was a brutal cold hearted killing machine. Then afterwards the small amount of compassion, love, hope I had left was ripped away from me by Snow; he left nothing, except my ability to flirt and lie so smoothly. Those are all he needs; he doesn't need to human Finnick with dreams, hopes, just whatever he can exploit from me. It makes me feel sick, like I'm nothing.
Sometimes it's crossed my mind. The dark, dark thoughts. Would it be so hard to grab a piece of rope from my kitchen, tie the knot and hang it from the rafters? Who'd be there to miss me? Mags and Callum maybe, but they'd get over it; they have other more important people in their lives to worry about than me. The people of the Capitol would mourn, cry, maybe for a week. Then life would just get back to normal with their meaningless thoughts filling their minds, it would be like I never existed. I've tied the knot before, I've written the note but in the end I never go through with it.
I don't want Snow to win. I can't let him win and if I kill myself he will. A lonely, empty life with only a couple of people who care about you is better than the sheer nothingness of after. I wonder what it's like often, death. I have no faith in a god. My mother did but when she died my faith went with her. And when I came out of the Hunger Games it was completely gone, no way of it coming back. A benevolent god (or gods, I don't know) would never put someone through what I've been through. I may be wrong, but if I am, it doesn't matter; I don't want to spend my life thanking a creator who apparently loves me but makes my life a living hell!
I flick my wet bronze hair that turned a dark copper in the shower, I don't like having wet hair but I don't have enough time to dry it. We have to discuss strategies before training starts so that Annie and Brendan know what to do. "So training, this morning, I'm not sure what your strategies are." I tell them, munching on a piece of toast at the table.
"Well, I'm pretty strong. I have a good aim and I can probably use a crossbow reasonably well so I might get into the Careers. I'm still a bit young but I can show all my skills and hope I get on. And I'll act friendly around them." Brendan shrugs.
"Sounds like you thought it through, boy." Mags says and I try not to laugh. Brendan, a Career really? I know he's my tribute and it's mean but I can't help it. It just seems so ridiculous.
"Yeah, I suppose." he says.
"Annie?" I ask, wondering if she's thought it through, if she's even going to try, I know she promised and I should trust her but I don't know her well enough to be sure she's being honest.
She looks up from her plate yet still not enough to look me in the eyes, which I can't understand. Yeah she's broken, I know that, but we spent the night together, I told her things I haven't told anyone else. And I have the feeling inside of my chest when I see her, yet this is a girl who can't even look at me. "I don't want to be a murderer. I think if I just spend time at the survival stations I can pick up a lot of skills and survive for at least a bit."
"Yeah you can work with that Annie, good. And Brendan you shouldn't completely ignore survival in case your plan to get into the Careers falls back. I'm not saying you're not good enough but with you being so young it may be hard. Have you got any fishers in your family?" I ask.
"No, they're all in processing, why?" he asks.
"Oh, it's just I thought you may be good with a trident. Remember you have to act cool, come across tough. No offence, but you need the truth and that is that they'll probably laugh at you but don't show them emotion. Emotion will make you seem weak. I can talk to the mentors from One and Two sometime for you if you want." I tell him.
"Thanks." he smiles at me.
"Just doing my job kiddo. And sorry about you having to wear that awful costume last night Brendan, I'll talk to you stylist to make sure you're next outfit isn't so bad." I say. I also need to tell Dennil to tone it down on Annie's outfit; I don't want to even think of imagining what will be going through Snow's brain if she looks like that again. Probably how much profit he could get for selling her to some men who are nearly as sick and perverted as him.
"Yeah, it wasn't bad for Annie. She looked beautiful!" Brendan says.
"She really did." I mutter quietly thinking back. I see a little twitch in the corner of her mouth that looks as though she's trying to hold back a smile. That makes me smile and the shooting ache overrides my body. How can she manage to do this to me? She would probably think I'm sick anyway, she's my tribute and she's three years younger than me. I doubt she's ever had a boyfriend and how many people have I slept with? It is just wrong to think of anything going on between me and Annie.
"I didn't. And even if I did how would that help me win the Games?" she asks. It frustrates me how she doesn't know how beautiful she is, more importantly she has no faith in herself. She doesn't think she can win and she never will if she doesn't believe she can. I see Mags looking hopelessly at Annie and Brendan not looking up from his plate. Griyya just eats ignoring the tension after what Annie has just said. "I'm finished, I'll just go to my room." she says quietly getting up.
I shovel the rest of the food from my plate into my mouth and leap up. "I'm done too." I mutter, food in my mouth so it's hard to make out. I follow Annie to her room and walk in through the opened door.
"Leave me alone Finnick." she says, her back to me sitting on her bed. I don't listen to her and instead I sit down right next to her. "I said-" she starts but I put my finger to her lips.
"I know very well what you said Annie Cresta. I just don't understand you." I tell her, moving my finger from her face.
"I said I'd try. I never promised to win and what's the point of kidding myself, I'm not going to win, ever. Not in a million years. What's so difficult to understand there?" she asks me.
"You don't believe in yourself but I believe in you. Ok, maybe you don't want to kill anyone, maybe you're not the strongest but you're clever." I tell her.
"You don't know that." she says, crossing her arms looking down at her lap.
"I do. I saw you reading books all the time at school, at lunch time." I tell her, remembering the timid girl her face stuck in a book. Until someone came over and knocked the book out of her hand. At first she cried about it, I saw the tears running down her face and at the time, I didn't care. But after about a month of the constant teasing, the constant loneliness Annie stopped crying. I wish I had paid a bit more attention to her, on her own. Back then she was none of my business, she didn't matter but now I have to do everything I can to keep her alive.
"Still, there's probably someone in the Games much cleverer than me. What makes you think I have a chance?" she asks.
"Annie, look at me." I say moving my hands to her face and gently placing them on her cheeks, moving her head up to face me. I feel my heart pound and breathing becoming shakier as we look into each other's eyes. "I know you can win. I know you can." I plead trying to get her to know that she can win. She has a chance, just as everyone else does.
"I will try. I do keep my promises Finnick." she tells me, enchanting me as she looks into my eyes and I see hers. I see how vibrant green isn't the only colour in them; there are small specks of honey, being more prominent the further away from the pupil. They flicker and glint in the light.
"Good." I say, the feeling now overwhelming all my senses, "I wish you didn't have to go through all this though."
"Someone has to. You did, I do. I can't just keep moaning around and feeling sorry for myself." she shrugs and I finally move my hand down from her face slowly, stroking it carefully, trying to stop my hands trembling in anxiety. I see her eyes follow my thumb and she shudders.
I quickly drop my hand to my side, looking down at my lap, feeling like a jerk for making Annie feel uncomfortable. "Sorry." I say wincing. "God, I'm so sorry."
"It wasn't you Finnick. It was just; no one's ever touched me before. I've never had a friend so I'm not used to it, though you don't have to be my friend if you don't want to. Of course you're just my mentor, but I don't mind being friends, only if you want to though." she says muttering and I smile at how sweet she is. Then I think of what she said, she thought that's what friends did, I feel like such an idiot for doing it, like I was using her. She doesn't think it was anything more than friendship and I don't want it to be but with this ache in my chest I feel guilty.
"'Course I want to be your friend Annie. More than anything in the world." I say quietly.
"It's nice to have someone who cares about me. Who's not just obliged like my dad is." she tells me, looking me in the eyes without me even holding her face. I do care about her and what she just said should make me feel happy but it makes me upset and angry at the world for leaving Annie. The only people who care about her are her dad and me.
"Are you ready to go now? Probably best if you get to Training." I tell her.
"Ok." she says getting up. We walk to the dining room where Mags and Brendan look as if they're getting ready to leave.
"Stay here Finn, take a break." Mags tells me as I am about to put my shoes on.
"Ok. Good luck Annie, Brendan remember what I told you." I tell them informatively. When they're gone I fall back on the sofa and think of Annie. I don't try to control my emotions and strangely the feeling in my chest disappears and it's replaced by joy, happiness. Maybe Annie can win, maybe we'll go back home, fall in love. I can't help admit it I think I like her! I'm not only joyful because I think I may like Annie Cresta but also because it shows Snow didn't take everything from me. I can still care for her, like her. That happiness however is quickly destroyed as a Peacekeeper drops a letter in Snow's handwriting on the coffee table by the sofa and I remember tonight's appointment which makes my stomach churn with unease.
