"Christian, come on in." I hear John's disembodied voice call from behind his office door, left open a crack so he can hear who's coming and who's going. Lydia must be out sick today. It's eleven in the morning, not my usual appointment time, but after last night's excitement with Leila I practically begged John to fit me into his schedule. I thought we'd have a lot to discuss. Little did I know that we'd have more to deconstruct than just the Leila fiasco.
"I told Ana I'm a sadist, and I asked her to marry me and she wants to see you." I say like I have Tourrette's, and plop down on the couch with a definitive thud. John looks stoic, and if he asks me how this makes me feel I'm just going to get up and leave. John's face is unreadable.
"Sorry, John. Did you not hear me?" I say, giving him a sardonic smile.
"Oh no Christian, I heard you. I'm just digesting this. I think you need to give me some context, because the last time I saw you, we were in an ambulance taking an ex-partner of yours to a psychiatric facility. So let's back up, and start from the very beginning."
"A very good place to start." John laughs, not expecting me to quote The Sound of Music. In between Bach and Chopin, Miss Kathy loved to teach me to play show tunes. "Ok. The beginning."
I close my eyes and for a second I'm transported back to last night. I remember Ana touching my chest, and wince. "When I got home from the hospital, Ana wasn't there. I was so scared, and I had Taylor go out and search for her. I was so worried she'd run, that she'd leave me. Then she walked through the door. She was so angry. Angry about Leila, angry about me. She started saying things again like, 'I can't be everything you need,' but this time something in me recognized that Ana was feeling insecure and scared too. I saw in her eyes her fear. She told me that when she saw me with Leila, well I think she felt threatened. Inadequate. And I felt her feelings."
"So I see our work on empathy has started to pay off," John says looking pleased with himself.
"I felt like I knew what Ana was feeling, her fear of not being enough, because I've felt like that since I met Ana. Hell, I think I felt like that my whole life. I think I've always worried I wasn't enough for my family. I think its partly why I've worked so hard to make myself a success in business. I've always worried that I wasn't enough." Warm tears well into my eyes. I won't let myself cry. I remember Ana, and me, kneeling like two idiots on the hardwood floor. We must have looked so silly. But Ana looked beautiful, as always. I just don't know why she can't realize how beautiful she is.
"I think that's wonderful Christian. It's really amazing progress, in such a short time, to be able to see past your own fears of abandonment and recognize Ana's fears," John says. He looks a bit stunned. I guess I am too. "So how did you end up telling her you are a sadist? I disagree with your characterization of yourself as a sadist by the way, but we can discuss that after you finish the story," he smiles.
"Ana finally really honestly expressed to me her feelings of inadequacy. I still don't understand. I think Ana's the most beautiful, smart, sexy, funny and brave person I've ever met. I just don't get why she doesn't see that in herself. But I think even though I've told her that she's more than enough, that I want her just the way she is, I think she still worries that because she can't be my submissive, that she's not enough. And that's really my fault, because I didn't realize that I actually never cared that much about Ana being my submissive. I made such a big deal about it in the beginning, because it was all I knew. But I always just wanted Ana, to be near her anyway I could."
I realize I'm rambling without a point. What was John's question? Oh yes, how did I tell Ana about my sadism.
"So anyways, I realized I had to do something to really show Ana that she's different than Leila and all my other subs. I've told her so many times that what I feel for her is so much different, and so much more than anything I've ever felt for anyone else. But I had to show her. And I needed to show myself that I could really let her in. So I let her touch me..."
"Your chest?" John looks shocked.
"Yes," I breath remembering her delicate fingers brushing down my sternum, her eyes locked with mine. Her hand on my chest, feeling like a hot iron, searing pain. I can feel her soft lips against my scars. Truthfully, even after I placed her hand on my chest I was not prepared for her to kiss me...there. Kissing my scars, it was like she was taking the physical marking of my past, the painful reminders of my unworthiness, and telling me she loved even that part of me.
"Ana was so gentle, so accepting. And I felt like if Ana could love that part of me, the physical reflection of rejection from the woman who gave me life, I thought maybe, just maybe, she would love all of me. And I told her. I told her everything."
"What exactly did you tell her?"
"I told her I'm a sadist. That I like to whip little brown-haired girls because they look like the crack whore."
"And how did that feel, to tell her that?" John asks pensively.
"It felt cathartic. I had been playing the scene in my head for so long. What would I say, how would I say it. So when I finally just said it, it quieted that voice in my head. It had become unbearable."
"I can imagine. And how did Ana react?" John asks slowly and carefully, as if he's trying to work this out in his head too.
"She didn't leave," I smile victoriously. "She's finding it hard to believe that I could just lose the compulsion overnight. I think that's why she wants to talk to you. She needs some reassurance."
"And so how did you end up proposing marriage?" John looks perplexed.
"When Ana didn't leave, I realized I didn't want her to ever leave. Ever." As I say it I hear myself sounding creepily possessive. I need to explain this better. "I want to spend the rest of my life with Ana. I've never been more certain about anything in my life. I want the house on the coast, I wan't Ana laughing with her hair blowing in the wind." Shit, Flynn's little exercise really did help me focus on what I wanted. I guess he's pretty good at this. "Do you think it's too soon?"
I will be crushed if Flynn isn't supportive of this. A smile slowly creeps across John's face and I relax. He's not going to scold me.
"Christian, this has all moved very fast. But I don't think there's any textbook for a marriage. Fifty percent of marriages fail and we don't know why. To a certain extent, in relationships, we're all flying blind. I think you and Ana have something very special, and if you think you two can make a go of it, I'm more than supportive and happy for you."
I feel my throat tighten and emotion well up the back of my throat. I don't know why John's support means so much, but it does.
"So did Ana say yes?" John raises one eyebrow.
"She didn't say no." I feel a pang of fear in the pit of my stomach. If Ana says no, I don't know what I will do."I think that's why she wants to talk to you. Will you see her?"
"Of course Christian. As long as its ok with you, I have no problem seeing Ana. I'd be happy to. I can fit you in tomorrow evening."
"Thank you John." I'm so relieved, and grateful.
"So we didn't really get a chance to discuss what I thought we would discuss today," John says with a laugh.
"No John. My ex-submissive breaking into my new girlfriend's apartment with a gun. That's so old news." I can't help but hang my head in my hands and laugh a bit at the absurdity of it all. If this was a novel, no one would believe the plot twists my life has taken over the past month.
"Well, I'll see you tomorrow evening Christian. We're out of time."
"Thank you John. See you tomorrow."
