"Can we have lunch this afternoon, just you me and that tiny Delicatessen near the dock?"

"Derek?"

"Derek?"

"Hmm?" Derek responded, his head never leaving the paper in his hands.

"Does ignoring me really help with the paying me back?" Addison muttered into his ear at the kitchen table, hoping to prevent her pleas for her husband's attention falling upon unwanted ears, namely Izzie and Alex who sat not 5 ft away from them eating breakfast.

"Can we at least have breakfast before your neurosis kicks in" Derek smiled complacently her way, the noise of his newspaper bending and creasing creating a soundtrack for the morning's debate.

Breathing deeply Addison counted to five in her mind. A trick she had been told by their weekly therapist that should bide her enough time to regain composure and respond to her husband in the nicest possible manor. She silently wished they had gone back to New York and saw her best friend's therapist; she was assured he would prescribe morning and evening sex-capades as means of marital help. Counting to five wasn't nearly as thrilling.

"Could we have lunch together this afternoon?" She asked for what felt like the twentieth time as he now finally looked at her when she spoke.

"I have a surgery from eleven till three I can't make it" He answered, his eyes darting from her over to the small door way as Meredith wandered in obviously distracted by the cell phone at her ear.

Go ahead baby,

run away again.

Growing tired of chasing you.

I know you only have time,

to love me.

A small part of Addison wanted to rewind ten minutes and simply not ask him to spend time with her. Back in New York she wouldn't have considered asking him to meet her; she had learnt that lesson the hard way. Eleven years of marriage yet for the last seven at least she had simply been nothing more than his roommate.

The side of her that was glutton for punishment had built up thick un-quivering walls over those seven years. For the first three years she had tried and tried to regain his attention, from waiting in bed in uncomfortable lingerie to the smallest gesture of simply asking him to eat with her at the hospital cafeteria, no matter what she did his response hurt her in the same way, deep and unforgiving. He wasn't a bad man, his reasons for cancelling lunches and sleeping instead of making love were all very noble and always concerning his work and patients, he wasn't even a bad husband, he provided and he protected and in his own way he probably still loved her. But for those seven years she was lonely, it took her at least four of them to stop sadistically hurting herself by opening up to his rejections. It took her those four years to realize simply not asking him to spend time with her and going to sleep instead of waiting for him in bed meant she didn't get hurt. She was lonely but never hurt. She had spent too long hurt.

Who's bold enough to believe?

Even love or war..

Both just leave you busted,

and broken down.

Wanting more..

But now, now after everything she had been through to shield her heart she had inflicted one act of pain on him that erased everything he had ever subconsciously done to her. One foolish mistake had made the last seven years of her life meaningless. A mistake she had wrestled with herself for month trying to prevent. She never wanted to jeopardise her marriage. She prayed at night that Derek would somehow sense that her affections were straying. Or he would notice the long looks his best friend was throwing in her direction. She prayed when he'd come home late after long surgeries he would ask why Mark was on his futon eating his food and watching his TV.

He never noticed

Or he simply never cared

"Ok" Was all she could say, there was no way she could compete with a surgery, but would it kill him to sound slightly regretful that he can't spend time with her?

One mistake and now she was back at square one, she was obligated to subject herself to rejection and heartbreak over and over.

I can hear my heart pounding,

oh but i can't decide.

Stuck between the depths of my fears,

and peaks of my pride.

Would it take another seven years for Derek to finally understand?

"Yes I will be there at four ... No I can't make it earlier. You are welcome to call my chief of surgery and ask him if I can leave the hospital early because my mother's nursing home staff think my time would be better spent holding her hand, whilst she asks me over and over just who I am" Meredith took a much needed breath as her friends, her ex and his wife stared up at her.

"Yes four ... Thank You" Meredith closed her flip phone and took a piece of toast from the centre of the full table

"What?" she quipped taking a bite out of the corner of her toast, as their eyes remained on her, All but Derek's, which were now buried, back in his newspaper.

Abruptly they all returned to their breakfasts and conversations as Meredith walked over to the sink to wipe the crumbs from her fingers. She didn't have to turn around to know Derek was now staring at her. Her mind raced with images of their encounter the night before. She now stood almost exactly in the same spot as last night, the only difference was his hands and lips were not on her. His hands were gripping the newspaper tightly, aligning it perfect to prevent his wife from seeing just were his attention was. He didn't know if she did it on purpose or if everything she wore turned him on, but if those jeans fit her small firm thighs any better he would have to gasp aloud. She was at least 4ft away from him but he was sure he could smell her shampoo; either that or it was embedded in his memory so vividly it could drive him crazy. His eyes stung from desire, or at least he wished it was desire, he hadn't slept a wink all night. He heard her coming upstairs to bed over an hour after he had left her and couldn't help himself from climbing quietly out of bed and tiptoeing into the hallway.

"Meredith" He whispered as she reached her bedroom door, the heat from his bare chest penetrating her shirt and tickling the soft tiny hairs on her back.

"Go to bed ... Derek" her voice laboured as he cupped her small shoulders in his firm hands. His arms reclining tensely as he breathed her in, so Meredith's back pressed against his chest. His head drooped delicately into the cove of her neck, her pulse beating rapidly against his lips.

4.30 A.M, I'm awake again

Singing to the dark through open eyes

While dreaming I see only you and me

Stuck between desire and compromise

"I can't sleep" he mumbled into her messy hair. His hands now running slowly up and down her shirt covered arms, snaking one arm round his right hand moved to her bony hip, his fingers splaying along the sharp yet soft area of her anatomy. He held them there for a moment, his fingers deliberately and tenderly kneading the skin, half of him expecting her to pull away from his caresses and run into her room. The other half of him knowing Meredith Grey well enough to know wild horses couldn't move her from his ministrations. Smiling into her neck his nibbled softly as her hips pushed back away from his fingers and into his groin, rhythmically rocking back and forth between his firm hard body and his mischievous fingers.

You're leaving me scars scattered in my heart

A road map of all the places you have been

And I can't escape, can't wash this away

Love has burned your mark so deep within

"You're not this guy Derek" Meredith gasped deeply as his tongue cooled the hot skin beneath her ear

"For you I am" Her heart raced with more than sexual desire as he answered in the best and worst possible way. Subconsciously she snaked her arm up and around his neck, her fingers bunching his thick dark hair in her hands, pressing his mouth firmer to her body.

"Derek" she pleaded, she didn't know if she meant for him to stop or to hurry up and take her to bed. Reaching forward she pressed her hand to the wall beside her door, as the rocking of their bodies became too rough for them to stand without assistance.

Manoeuvring his hand under the hem of her shirt his hand hungrily grabbed at her skin as she ground harder and hard into his body. Running his hand further up her body her desire for him very evident beneath his finger tips, teasing her he growled intensely as she gasped loudly. "God" she muttered breathlessly, her dry lips desperate for him to kiss her already. Using her other hand she gripped onto the fabric of his boxers and his skin, pressing him as close to her as physically possible, her own body dancing fluidly and passionately against his.

Moving his hand lower again he gripped her hip and spun her to face him, his firm body pressing her against the wall.

"I ... "he started. his breath as rapid as hers as she bore into his now dark blue eyes, "Meredith" her name was all that was running through his mind, that and how easy it would be to pick her small body up into his arms and carry her to bed.

"Derek" she urged him. The thought that his wife might wake up and walk out and see them was the last thing on her mind.

"Meredith" he repeated, his finger tracing her soft skin from her temple to the corner of her quivering mouth.

Meredith could see the hesitance in his eyes, she knew some part of him was thinking about his wife and it tore her apart inside. She had already lost him once to her; she couldn't bear to go through it all again.

"Five seconds Derek ... If you don't kiss me or say something to make me stay ... I'm walking away ... you can't keep doing this" Derek stared down at her, his mind wrecked with reasons why he shouldn't kiss her again.

"One" she breathed impatiently

If he kissed her now, they would fall into her room and into her bed.

"Two"

If he kissed her now he would be willingly betraying his wife in the same painful way she had betrayed him

"Three"

If he kissed her now he would have to tell her he loves her. He couldn't keep those words and the meaning behind them to himself much longer

"Four"

If he kissed her now, he would make her hate herself for stealing another woman's man.

"Five"

If he kissed her now He would make her by social definition ... a whore

"I hate you" she hissed painfully as she grabbed his hands from her waist and pushed them back to him.

"I ... "he started again, the thoughts let alone the words not entering his jumbled mind.

"Save it for your wife" She snapped and turned to walk into her room.

Derek stood at her open door watching her silently sit at the base of her bed, her head covered by her delicate hands. He wanted to walk over and do or say something to take away the pain but anything he said would hurt her. He needed to figure out just what would hurt less. He couldn't live without her, that much he was sure of, but was he really ready to be the guy that leaves his wife a spinster at 40. Was he good enough a man to walk away from the only person he's ever truly loved?

Meredith softly sobbed into her hands and he wandered if she realized he was still there. The Meredith he knew was far too proud to cry so openly before him, over him. He'd seen her cry a dozen times about other people, mostly her mother but now witnessing her cry for him and him alone. He ached in a way he had never done before.

"I'm leaving her" he finally spoke.

Meredith lifted her tired head to look at him, her hands immediately wiping away the tears he now knew she thought she had shed alone.

I'm going to have to tell her

I just can't help myself

I'll suffer the consequences

I'm to a point

I just don't' care

"Don't" her voice was croaky "don't do it for me Derek ... I won't be here for you if you do" her tone was cold and defeated, Derek couldn't believe what he was hearing, this was his Meredith, the woman who loved him so openly and passionately

"But I thought" he began before she interjected

"You thought I'd wait forever? You thought I'd be there when you decided I was worth caring about?"

"Mer" he pleaded, he couldn't bear to hear her so sorrowful. He'd never in his life hurt anybody to intentionally before. Especially someone he loved.

I've fallen in love with you

And I got to let her know

If leaving her means keeping you

Then I've got to let her go

"Derek seriously ... You ruin my night with ... with ... oh his name is irrelevant. You ruined my evening. You kissed me. You say things and then you leave me to cuddle up to your wife. Then ... then you follow me to my bedroom and you touch me and you say more things ... I can't do this with you Derek. This is not a game for me"

"And you think it is for me?" he asked, obviously hurt by her remark.

"Isn't it?" Derek stood silent, again anything he could say would only hurt her one way or another. He'd hurt her and leave him feeling vulnerable, and vulnerable isn't an emotion he's allowed himself to embrace much in his lifetime.

"I'm leaving her for you whether you want me or not" he told her firmly, his arms folded across his chest tightly as he tried to refrain from mirroring her visible emotions and crying too

"I'm not waiting for you ... and I'm not asking you to leave her. I already did that ... look where it got me"

"Don't people deserve second chances?"

"People yes ... boys who break your heart because their supermodel wives show up don't"

I didn't mean

to let this thing get so strong ... no

Sometimes when you're merry in love

you can't tell right from wrong

Derek smirked to himself to her annoyance as she spoke. "What's so amusing?"

"You ... you're amusing" he continued smiling at her from the door way.

"Amusing" She repeated still annoyed

"Yes amusing ... Meredith you're sitting there talking like you weren't begging me to do naughty things to you five minutes ago. Should I pretend your protests are real? Would that help any?" his arrogance while sexy was incredibly infuriating

"You want me Meredith and guess what ... I want you too. So can you just pretend that we protested and tried really hard to do the right thing while I go back to bed and think about how I am going to tell Addison I am done?" Meredith tried hard to keep herself mad at him

"And then Dr Grey I will most certainly do all the things you were wanting me to do five minutes ago" he whispered through smirking lips as she sat speechless before him.

"Just wait a little longer for me" He smiled lovingly as he stepped back into the hall way and vanished from her gaze

"I've already waited all my life. What's another day or two" she muttered sarcastically to herself

"Izzie do you need a ride to work?" Meredith asked breaking up the animated conversation Izzie was having with Alex at the kitchen table. She had to talk to someone before she snapped and told Derek to stop looking at her the way he was. She had to admit it did make her tummy tingle with desire feeling him look at her this way while his wife sat beside him.

It felt dangerous

"No I am good" Izzie responded, her eyes remaining on Alex as he smiled cheekily at her, obviously party to a secret joke.

"I could do with a ride if you don't mind Dr Grey" Addison spoke, forcing Derek to lower the newspaper and glare bemused at her.

"I got a flat last night. I was going to ride in with you but if Meredith is leaving now I could do with being in early, I have a mother of quadruplets I need to check on" Addison reasoned with Derek, hoping her reasons sounded believable and she didn't just sound like she wanted to spend time making his ex mistress as uncomfortable as possible.

Derek looked up at Meredith apologetically as she stood unable to speak. The prospect of a fifteen minute drive alone with the she Shepard terrifying her

"I will drive you in a little while. Just let me finish my breakfast" Derek forcefully told her, knowing full well why she wanted to ride with Meredith

"It's ok" Meredith spoke up to his surprise "Are you ready to go now?" Meredith asked Addison as Addison rose to her feet and grabbed her jacket from behind her seat.

"Sure" Addison smiled at genuinely as she could towards Meredith.

Meredith and Addison left the kitchen and the house, they were already in the car and half way down the road before Izzie or Derek pulled their eyes from the kitchen door way stunned.

"Good luck with that" Izzie smirked as Derek as he remained stunned. Alex laughed and stole a piece of bacon from her place as she swatted his hand away.

Sorry it took a while guys, I would love some feedback :)