The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. Dragonball, Dragonball Z, and Dragonball GT are all owned by Funimation, Toei Animation, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the Official release.

And the Abridged series, upon which this is based.

Uziel! What does the document say about this fic's word count? IT'S OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAND!

SMACK!

POW!

Vegeta and Tamata skidded away from each other. She'd actually managed to land a couple of hits on him. Unfortunately, he'd managed to land a lot more on her, and she was clearly outmatched. She'd come so far. If she'd had a little more time, maybe if she'd trained under heavier gravity, she'd have passed him. Still, she wasn't getting flattened without a second thought, the way these battles usually went. No, she was making him put effort into this fight. She was still losing, of course. She looked over her shoulder; Nappa was standing over the corpse of the bald man while the others stared.

"What the hell are you doing! Stop staring at him and kill him TOGETHER! I have my hands full here!" Tamata shouted.

"That's a shame, considering you've got one less now," Vegeta taunted.

"Wha-"

He tore off her cybernetic arm.

INTRO TITLE

"So, uh...Guys? What seems to be your plan here?" Tamata demanded, clutching the stump, "Because I'm thinking running away's a good option right about now."

"Yeah, running's a good plan, Piccolo. We should do that," Krillin agreed.

"You're wretched, Tamata. The moment the battle goes south, you turn tail and run! I was wrong, you're no Saiyan!" Vegeta snorted.

"Could use a save here, guys! We're all gonna die, I'm out of tricks!" Tamata told them.

"Wait, I've got one! Hope you don't mind me borrowing this, Tien...SOLAR FLARE!" Krillin shouted, consuming the area in a sudden, searing white light that burned into their retinas.

"AUGH WHAT IS THAT!" Tamata shouted, "OH IT"S LIKE SEEING THE UNDERSIDE OF DODORIA'S FAT FLAPS!"

Krillin grabbed her as he, Piccolo, and Gohan went to hide in the canyon.

"Hide your power levels!" Piccolo commanded.

"Well, Nappa, this has all been thoroughly underwhelming," Vegeta said, "And your fault."

"Yeah, I gotta own up to this one," he admitted.

"So, since this is all your fault, it's your job to fix it, Nappa. You're going to go out and eliminate every shred of resistance on this planet, or I'll vaporize you."

Nappa stared, "What?"

"You heard me. When we go looking for the Dragonballs, I don't want an ounce of resistance from the locals. And if you don't, I'll break every bone in your body. I'm already sick of this planet, and your screwing around isn't helping."

"But Vegeta I-"

"Ten. Nine."

Nappa flew off. Vegeta sighed.

"Finally. Silence."

The wind blew. Not a sound besides it bounced through the canyon.

"Oh god this place is boring."

They found themselves in a tiny farming town. The locals gawked as they walked down mainstreet at the two short warriors, one of which had a tail; the green demon; and the giant one-armed amazon.

"Okay, so, we just got thoroughly thrashed in about...Twenty minutes," Piccolo said, "We need a new plan."

"We run," Tamata said.

"Where?" Piccolo demanded.

"Doesn't matter. They'll hunt us down. We can't stay in one place too long, they'll find us. Even if we hide our power levels, we're still the most powerful beings on the planet besides themselves."

Another distant "HAH!" was ignored by all.

"Wait, most powerful being! That's it! We don't have to run and hide, Goku's on his way right now! We don't have to worry about the next few days, we just need to wait the next few hours until he arrives!" Krillin pointed out. A television in a store window interjected.

"The alien's assault on the Combined Earth Forces has thusfar gone unchallenged, as it continues to tear through even our most advanced and stalwart military powers. His ruthlessness and efficiency is insurmountable; who knows what cruel, sadistic thoughts are going through his head while he callously slaughters Earth's mightiest heroes?"

"Nappa's having the time of his life right now," Tamata said.

"Weeee! Yeaaaaaaah! Wooooooooo!"

"I'm running for my life and Nappa is having the time of his life. And I'm the one who won that fight! Dammit!" Tamata hissed.

"How...How long do you think they can hold him off?" Gohan asked.

"It'll have to be long enough, Gohan," Piccolo said, "Because if he finds us before Goku gets back, their sacrifice will have been for nothing."

Gohan and Krillin hung their heads.

"Oh come on, I'm the one who did that first! You jackass, that's my move!" Tamata yelled at the screen.

"Come on, we should get going, and stay away from populated areas. We don't want to be tracked where people might get in the way," Piccolo said.

"We wouldn't want anyone to get hurt," Gohan agreed.

"Yeah, I guess that, too," Piccolo shrugged, "We won't be able to fly. That would just make us easier to track. So we'll have to walk."

"Or we could steal one of those internal combustion vehicles. Not like it's got any real power to it, and if it explodes none of us will get hurt," Tamata pointed out.

"But that would be stealing!" Gohan objected.

"Well it's steal a vehicle, we hike into the wilderness, or we all die," Tamata pointed out, "Besides, who's going to stop us?"

"But how does it make us any better than the bad guys?" Gohan asked.

"Gohan, up until a year ago, Piccolo and I were both on self-driven quests of destruction. We ARE bad guys," she told him, "Just because we're fighting evil does not make us good."

"...Oh…"

Tamata stood in front of a truck, which skidded to a halt.

"Hey are ya crazy bitch what the hell d'ya think ye're doing I coulda flattened ya something fierce!" the driver rambled at her as she approached the door.

"We're taking your truck, she opened the door.

"Augh! Protect me, gun!"

There was a gunshot as he pulled a weapon on her, but she grabbed it out of his hands, bent the barrel, and tossed it aside, then tore the driver out of the truck.

"Which one of you knows how to drive one of these?" she asked the others.

"I could, but I can't reach the pedals," Krillin admitted. Tamata grumbled, and sat in the driver's seat while the others piled in, Piccolo in the bed of the truck.

"This is so beneath me," he grunted.

"Get over it," Tamata told him, and took off. They drove into the countryside, passing the occasional emu farm. Krillin turned on the radio, and country music started playing. Tamata turned it off, then ripped the radio out of the dash, tossing it onto the road.

"Okay, no radio then," he conceded. They continued in silence, until the siren of a police car disrupted it.

"Uh, we should pull over. It's the cops," Krillin said.

"Why?"

"Because we'll attract attention if we don't. Besides, I'm already on probation and I'm out of state."

"Why are you on probation?" Gohan asked.

"I live with Master Roshi, that's basically grounds for house arrest right there. The guy's got so many restraining orders they basically apply to me by default."

Tamata pulled over, and the police approached, guns out. Tamata stuck her head out the window, raised her arm, blew up their car with an energy blast, and drove off, stranding the police officers with no means of communication.

"Wow…" Gohan looked at his feet, "We really are the bad guys…"

More silence.

"Adults disappoint, Gohan. It doesn't stop," Tamata told him, "But that doesn't mean there's nothing to learn from them. You just...You just have to learn how to sort what's crap and what's real."

"Is that what 'growing up' means?"

"Nobody grows up. They just get bigger."

"Wow. You're like a constant bummer, huh?" Krillin said.

"I would like to point out that I'm one of the last remaining members of my species, and I dislike literally every other survivor. And so far, the species that is the one hope for mine hasn't exactly endeared itself, either. Sorry if I'm not exactly cheery."

They rode in silence, driving further and further away from civilization. Eventually, it was difficult to describe their path as a road, as it was starting to get overgrown and rocky. It wasn't even clear that they were on land that was owned, as any signs of inhabitation had long been left behind. The truck objected to the road with a CLUNK as it ran something over, veered to the right, and Tamata brought it to a full stop.

"We're on foot now," she told them.

"How do we know if my dad's come back?" Gohan asked.

"We won't. Unless Vegeta and Nappa finds us," Tamata said.

"That's your plan? Hide in the mountains and hope that Goku is able to beat the Saiyans, and crawl out when the fighting's cleared?" Piccolo asked.

"More or less. I can take Nappa, but I don't stand a chance against Vegeta, especially without my arm. It was the one thing that gave me any remotely like a chance against him, and now it's gone."

"But Goku might need our help!" Krillin pointed out.

"We can't help him if we're dead!" Tamata retorted.

"We might as well be if we do nothing at all!" Piccolo said. Tamata sighed.

"You're right. Kakarot stands a better chance if we're helping. How long have we been driving?"

"I don't know, you ripped out the only thing with a clock," Krillin said, "But, I dunno, like, three hours, I guess? Goku was supposed to get back today."

"Then we've bought enough time. Let's set up another trap. Bait Nappa and Vegeta here, and inflict all the damage we can. You guys have any techniques you've been itching to work with?"

"I got the Special Beam Cannon. I managed to get the charge time down to thirty seconds, too," Piccolo said.

"Oh ho-ho yeah, I got a good one," Krillin nodded.

"Good. I'll tie them up, and try not to miss. Or commit sweeping genocide? Keep it to a reasonable major extermination," Tamata requested.

"No promises," Piccolo told her.

"Fair enough."

They made their way to a mountain with plenty of hiding spots, and Piccolo, being the strongest, powered up to get Nappa's attention. Piccolo's yell echoed, and the birds and animals started to chatter in agitation. Minutes passed, though, and the sounds of the animals died down. The sounds of the winds in the cliffsides became a white noise, becoming a kind of silence unto itself.

Piccolo spoke up, "Where are they? There's no way they could have missed-"

"Found you!" Nappa slammed his elbow onto the top of Piccolo's head, planting him on the ground.

"What the HELL, he took you down in one blow?! Why did I even bother!" Tamata yelled.

Gohan ran to the Namekian, "Mister Piccolo! Please wake up! You have to stop him!"

Piccolo mumbled something incoherent.

"Don't worry Gohan! Goku has never let us down! I'm sure he'll be here any second!" Krillin insisted.

"Screw Kakarot, I've got this!" Tamata charged Nappa, but just before she landed a blow on Nappa, Vegeta planted his foot on her face, smacking her down next to Piccolo, and her world became singing birdies and bright, dancing lights. They were some pretty mad, birds, too, what with all the screaming and crying and maniacal laughter.

The orchestral laser show that was Tamata's brain carried down to a decrescendo, and things started coming back into focus. The Namekian was toast. Well, burnt toast. The short human was writhing on the ground, Gohan was being held by Kakarot, Nappa didn't have a shirt and-

"Ka...Kakarot?" she muttered.

"Woo hoo! Thank you Kame ex machina!" Krillin cheered as he nibbled on a bean.

"Hey! Which one of you did all this?" Goku demanded.

"That was me, totally calling it! I killed every single one of them- except the Chiaotzu, he blew himself up!" Nappa shouted. Goku trembled, and rocks floated into the air as he powered up, winds rushing around him to accent the display of raw power.

"Vegeta! What does the scouter say about his power level?" Nappa shouted.

Vegeta pressed a button on his device, "It's…one thousand and six."

"Wha- really?"

"Yes. Kick his ass nappa!"

"Yaayy-OOOWWW! Ow ow ow ow! Dah! Dah! Doh! Doh! Doh! Doh! Doh!"

"That doesn't seem right," Vegeta muttered as Goku trounced Nappa around the field. Tamata laughed, and he looked down at her.

"You're still alive?" he remarked.

"And you still keep messing with the settings, despite not knowing what they do, aren't you, Vegeta?"

"That one doesn't bend that way. My arm doesn't bend that way!" Nappa shouted, followed by a gory CRACK as his bone snapped in two, "OW! NOW IT DOES!"

"What? Oh, dammit! Wait, wait wait wait! NAPPA!" Vegeta shouted to him.

"Whaaaaaaaaat?"

"I had the scouter upside-down. It's over nine thousand. Rah," Vegeta said, crushing the device.

"Then why do you sound so bored?" Nappa asked.

"Because it's still not a threat…"

"But-"

"...to me!"

"Hey, Kakarot," Tamata called out.

"Oh hey you're here!" Goku looked to her.

"Sorry about kidnapping your son and trying to kill you," she said.

"Eh, it's cool. A lot of my friends used to do that sort of thing."

"Yeah, I gathered as much."

"You want a sensu bean?"

"What's a sensu bean?"

"It's a magic healing bean."

Tamata stared for a moment, "Oh, wait, you're serious."

"I never joke about food."

"You're dad's son, all right. Yeah, I'll take a bean."

"Krillin?"

"SENSU BEAN!" Krillin threw a bean at her. She caught it, and swallowed it. Suddenly, the intense throbbing and pain where Vegeta hit her dissipated, the dancing lights disappeared, and the bringing in her ears quieted down. She managed to find the coordination to get back on her feet.

"Oh, man, Vegeta, this is gonna be a tough fight, even for the both of us," Nappa said, "I'm not sure if our reps will hold up after this one."

"That won't matter. Once we get the dragon balls we'll just wish for immortality! Then no one will be able to stop us."

"Wait, what? But you killed Piccolo…" Goku said.

"And your point is...?"

"Well, if he's dead, the dragon balls don't work."

"Wh...what?"

Nappa let out a chuckle, "Oh and I totally killed that guy. Oh well at least we still had fun getting here, right, Vegeta? Vegeta? Remember the bug planet? Vegeta? Vegeta? Vegeta? Vegeta? Vegeta? Vegeta? Vege-"

Nappa's scream died on his lips as Vegeta blasted him into a crispy corpse. Vegeta grinned into the sky.