Zavier was stood waist-deep in the river, frantically rubbing the freezing water over himself. He had never liked baths, but now he was washing himself as if his life depended on it. He scooped up some of the copper coloured water in his cupped hands and used it to wash his mouth out, before spitting it violently back into the water.
He just had to get the taste of Raguna off his lips. He could still feel Raguna's mouth on his, his tongue exploring his mouth, leaving his sweet, smoky taste burning all the way down his throat.
Scooping up more water, he practically clawed at his body, not even caring as the bandages he had so painstakingly applied to himself just the night before were ripped away, tearing his skin. He scrubbed himself until his skin was raw and bleeding, and there was no chance of anything from the night before being left on him.
So... why did he still feel so dirty?
He could still feel Raguna's hands all over him, touching him, squeezing him, and he hated it. The very thought that he had let Raguna do that to him... As if it wasn't bad enough that it was another man, but Raguna. His friend. His rival. And, the worst part was, that at the time, he hadn't minded Raguna's kisses. Actually, it had felt, well, nice. It shouldn't have felt nice. But it did, and that was what made Zavier angry. When he thought about it now, he wanted to be sick. The fact that Raguna had kissed him, and that he had kissed him back was enough to make him retch.
He waded over to the riverbank and picked up his clothes. Then, realising that he had been wearing the same clothes when Raguna had touched him, he hurled them into the water with an angry cry. He ran them through the water, shook them, the wrung them out. He repeated the process with each item of clothing he had been wearing. He knew he'd have to walk in them later and they would rub against his raw skin and make him sore, but he didn't care. He had to get Raguna off them.
Raguna.
On him, kissing.
And touching.
And stroking, holding, licking, biting, squeezing.
Zavier buried his face in his hands, whinnying in frustration, disgust and confusion. "Oh, God." He whispered to himself. "Oh God, oh God, oh God..."
--
Raguna heard Zavier get up early. He wasn't sure how early, but before dawn anyway. He made no move to stop him. He was probably a bit shook up after what had happened the night before. He knew he was.
He wasn't quite sure why he had kissed Zavier like that. Maybe, because Zavier's words had gotten to him, he wanted to prove that he was worth more to him than just some kid who couldn't take care of himself. But once Raguna had started kissing, he couldn't stop. He didn't want to stop. And it scared him.
He hadn't let himself kiss anyone in so long, and it was terrifying. He'd never done anything like that before- he'd completely lost control of all his senses, all his actions. The only thing that existed was Zavier. At that moment, he was the only person in the entire world besides him, and Raguna had wanted to say things to him, to do things to him that he hadn't wanted to do to anyone in a very, very long time.
And it was frightening. So frightening. To have wanted to do that with anyone was horrifying- but with Zavier, it was even worse. Zavier was his best friend. Once his brain had taken over, he'd remembered that and stopped wanting to do those things to him.
Raguna turned on his side, his sleeping bag rustling. He held his stomach- his belly was aching, burning continuously. Guilt. He felt guilty, so guilty. When he'd kissed Zavier, he had effectively forgotten his family. Forgotten Mist- and Poppy.
Burrowing deeper into the sleeping bag, Raguna held his head in his hands, sobbing softly to himself, vowing he would never let himself lose control again. "Mist, I'm so sorry. Please... Please... Forgive me. I'm so sorry..."
--
When Raguna eventually left the tent, Zavier was already outside, kindling a fire and hugging his knees to his chest, shoulders hunched. He didn't look at Raguna, and Raguna didn't look at him, though out of the corner of his eye he noted his damp hair and sodden clothes. He had obviously been down to the river. The thick, awkward atmosphere could've been cut with a knife.
Raguna walked over to a tree by which he'd left his rucksack and began fumbling inside, pulling out the sack of rice and two bowls. With his back turned, Zavier dared to steal a glance at him and he saw the eight crescent shaped marks etched into his shoulder blades from where Zavier's jagged nails had gripped him. Zavier felt a hot blush exploding across his face as he recalled the previous night's events and felt Raguna's sharp fingers pinching his nipple. He wrapped his arms protectively around himself and glared at the ground, angry that Raguna had unwittingly found his weak spot.
Raguna poured the rice into the pan of water that Zavier had already collected and set it over the fire. He slumped down on the ground and sighed exasperatedly. He looked at Zavier, who was scowling down at his lap, his cheeks bright red.
"Last night," Zavier announced suddenly, still not making eye contact. "Nothing happened. Okay?" He paused, then finally looked at Raguna, a look of desperation in his eyes. "Okay?!"
Raguna quickly nodded, a little afraid of Zavier apparent panic. He took the rice off the fire and split it into two bowls. He held one out to Zavier. "Here."
Zavier looked at it, then shook his head. "I don't want it." He whispered.
"Take it. You'll need it for today." Raguna said firmly, forcing the bowl into Zavier's hands. Zavier slapped his hands away viciously.
"I said I don't want it!" He screamed at Raguna.
"Eat it." Raguna said quietly, not raising his voice, not fighting back. It drove Zavier crazy.
Zavier threw the bowl down on the ground, sending its contents splattering over the fire. "I don't want it!"
Raguna's eyes travelled slowly from Zavier, to the spilt rice, then back to Zavier. He showed no emotion, no annoyance at Zavier's behaviour. Then he nodded. "Okay, Zavier. You don't have to eat it if you don't want to." He whispered, his eyes not exactly sad, but tired.
"Don't talk to me like that!" Zavier fumed. "I'm nearly twenty-three years old, so why don't you treat me like it? Eh?!" He demanded, fists clenched.
Raguna looked at him properly for the first time that morning, with an expression that looked completely alien on his face. From what Zavier could tell, he was angry. "I'll treat you like an adult when you act like one." He hissed.
And, for once in his life, Zavier was speechless. Utterly lost for words. He couldn't wrap his mind around it- Raguna had insulted him. And it hurt. True, Zavier had started the conflict, but that didn't give Raguna the right to say that to him. It hurt. It hurt because he was right, and Zavier knew he was right and that made him all the angrier.
But he didn't shout. He didn't lose his temper. He just lowered his eyes, a silent shame burning into him. He quickly reached down and picked up the bowl he had thrown down, his gaze fixed on his hands.
"I'm sorry I did that." He mumbled, hunching his shoulders, drawing to himself like a tortoise. "I'll pack the tent away."
"I'll help you." Raguna offered.
And, instead of refusing Raguna's assistance like he always did, Zavier just nodded.
--
"Hi, Dad."
"Oh, hello sweetheart. How was school?"
"School was fine... Hey, Dad...?"
"Yes?"
"Can I join The Resistance?"
"..."
"Daddy?"
"Wh-Why do you ask that?"
"Because... Ahem: The Sech government is intent on supreme power and doesn't care about its working classes, and is set on destroying the land from which we grow our livelihood."
"Wh... Where did you hear that... That rubbish?"
"Cobi told me. She said a nice man from The Resistance told her."
"A 'nice man'?"
"He's living at her house."
"...Irah? Irah, come in here."
"I'm a bit busy, what is it?"
"Listen to what your daughter has been learning at school. Tell her, Tauny."
"Why?"
"Just tell her, love."
"Cobi said we should all join The Resistance because the Sech Empire is going to betray us and burn our houses. She said Ragna told her, and that he's staying at her house with his friend. She said he saved her life. I believe her. Wh-What's the matter, Dad? Mum?"
"This Resistance man... he's staying at Cobi's HOUSE? Are you sure? I'm sure Sachery and Sahra would never..."
"She said her mum helped heal them. I don't think her dad likes them much, though, from what I've heard. Why are you asking me this?"
"Oh, Tauny..."
"Irah, Irah, please. Now, listen very carefully here, Tauny. Are you absolutely sure that what Cobi told you was true?"
"Mm-hm. She crossed her heart and hoped to die and everything. But we were supposed to keep it a secret, so don't tell her I told you!"
"Oh, no... not Sahra. Not COBI..."
"Mummy? What's wrong? You're crying... Dad? Dad, what's happening? Have I done something wrong? Is it because I broke my promise to Cobi to keep it a secret? Dad?"
"No... No, sweetheart, you haven't done anything wrong. You've been a very good, brave girl. Now, could you go and fetch daddy a pen and paper? I need to write a very important letter..."
--
Uh-oh, tension between Zavier and Raguna is building! Looks like they're both regretting what they did. Zavier can't get past his prejudices (hey, he really doesn't seem like the guy to be a big fan of gay rights) and Raguna is still clinging on to Mist's memory...
I do love reviews! I'm not getting many for this story, so it would be lovely hear from you! I will reply- if you want me to, of course.
