AN: *Slides the chapter across the table.*Hey! I know it's been forever since I've updated, but in my defense, I got bombarded by exams. For those who have not read my update on tumblr, I am a college student so I get extremely busy sometimes; my education will always come first. If ever needs be, I will put my fics on hold to focus on school. In the event that happens, I will let you guys know, so no worries. With that said, I have some good news! I finished school for the summer so I have an abundant amount of free time that I can dedicate to writing! I hope you guys are excited as I am! I don't want this note to get too long so I'll just cut it off here. I also want to announce a trigger warning for this chapter. Like always, feel free to reach out to me for anything. I am a good listener so I've been told. I hope you gusy pick up on the bread crumbs I'm leaving behind for you guys; nothing is ever as it seems! XOXO
Cat & Mouse
Chapter 7: Act Your Age
By: anybodihearme
Originally Uploaded: Sunday, May 29, 2016
Disappointment.
Worthless.
Unworthy.
Pathetic.
Pitiful.
Sad.
Broken.
My body is numb. It's been numb for a long time. The constant lack and rejection of an emotional connection that all humans require could be the cause of the numbness, or it could be the freezing water cascading down my body. I don't know how long I've been in the shower, but it has to have been quite a while to make the water turn ice cold.
Cold is good.
Duke shuffles around the bath mat probably waiting for me to get out of the shower. He wasn't in the bathroom when I initially got in. He probably wandered in the bathroom after I promised him I wouldn't be too long and ended up being in here for centuries.
"Give me five more minutes." I state more than ask. Duke responds with a low whine and tugs on the shower curtain. "Five minutes." Duke whines again and I hear him walk out of the bathroom; hitting the door with his tail to show his annoyance at me. Drama queen. Grabbing the soap, I quickly wash myself and soak up the remaining freezing water. I shut the shower off and step out the shower. Grabbing the towel that Duke so kindly knocked off the sink, probably on purpose, I wrap myself and walk out the bathroom into my bedroom.
Duke is nowhere in sight. Probably went to go sulk somewhere and curse my name.
I only wanted to take a shower and be alone with my thoughts.
Is that too much to ask?
Too lazy to put on a t-shirt I pull on my pajama pants and head towards the kitchen. It's a quarter to nine and I haven't eaten all day. If I'm hungry then so is Duke.
"Duke." I call out looking down the hallway. Nothing. "Duke." I hear him shuffle towards the kitchen. Probably eating without me. Walking down the hall I see Duke's shadow spread out across the floor as he hunches over his bowel. "You're not eve-"
"Looking sexy for me?" Ed ask turning around. "By all means, if you're trying to woo me you're doing one hell of a job." He says winking at me.
"How did you… the key." I mumble to myself.
"You're not getting it back." He reminds me.
"I don't want it back." I lean down and pat Duke on the head, which results in him growling at me.
"What did you do to piss him off?" Ed ask raising his eyebrow. "He's usually so chill."
"I was taking too long in the shower." I answer taking a seat at the island. "Why are you here?" I ask.
"It's Saturday." He answers matter-of-factly.
"I'm aware what day of the week it is. That doesn't explain why you're here and why you decided to go shopping for food that will probably take ten years off my life." I say drawing attention to the grocery bags strewn across the counter filled to the brink with chips, cookies, and pop.
"They won't kill you that fast." He says opening a box of Twinkies and offering me one.
"No thank you." I decline his offer.
"Come on stop being a pansy. When's the last time you ate something besides a healthy well balanced meal that fits somewhere in your weird two-thousand calorie diet. Besides I have never seen you eat a Twinkie."
"I've never had the desire to eat one."
"You never ate a Twinkie?" Ed exclaims holding his hand dramatically to his heart. Even Duke barks and looks up at me like I lost my mind.
"No I don't want it so stop acting immature and explain to me why you're here, in my apartment, besides home with your wife, on a Saturday evening. I'm not that exciting." Ed huffs and Duke barks again; still shocked by the lack of Twinkies in my diet.
"You have never lied." Rolling my eyes, I throw him an annoyed glare. "Okay," he says holding his hands up in defense, "it's obvious you don't remember. The monster movie marathon is tonight and I'm dedicated to watching it." He says biting the Twinkie and throwing the other half on the floor for Duke to eat.
"Don't feed him that!" I snap quickly bending down and retrieving the Twinkie before Duke can bite into it.
"Aye, he eats Twinkies with me all the time so don't deny him his little piece of Heaven." He says picking up Duke and feeding him the piece of Twinkie I picked up off the floor. "At least someone will pig-out with me tonight." He mumbles, receiving an agreeing bark from Duke. Rolling my eyes, I walk over to the bag of groceries and pull out a bag of Oreos.
"I like Oreos." I state randomly and toss one in my mouth. Ed and Duke look at me like I just committed the mother of all sins; and they have the nerve to say I'm dramatic.
"He likes Oreos… I got to write this down and date it." Dramatic like I said.
"Whatever…. Are we really watching those horrible movies?" I ask.
"Yes we are." He says rubbing behind Duke's ears. "Besides, I brought a bag of clothes because I'm staying over." Looking over my shoulder I see a gym bag lying next to Ed's feet.
"Whatever, it looks like I'm not getting out of this no matter how much I complain." I say tossing another Oreo in my mouth. "Let's just get this night over with." I place the bag of Oreos under my arm and grab a bottle of milk out of fridge and stalk out of the kitchen with Duke trailing behind me. I hear Ed grab the grocery bags and a few bowls out of the cupboard and rush into the living room after me. I take a seat on the couch and pull my legs up under me. It looks like Duke has forgiven me and crawls into my lap and hums contently to himself. Ed all but jumps over the back of the couch, dumping all the bags and bowls on the coffee table. Ed picks up the remote and flips the TV on while pouring the candy into different bowls.
"Don't." I say before Ed kicks his feet up on the coffee table. Ed glares at me and obnoxiously and plants his feet on the floor. "You don't do that at your home some don't do it here."
"I do too!"
"Nazz would kill you if you tried to set you feet on one of her tables, so don't even try to lie." I say sipping my milk. Ed mumbles under his breath and picks up a bowel of candy. Ed turns the TV up as the opening credits to the marathon begin.
It's going to be a long night.
Glancing at the clock on the wall, it's a quarter past twelve and we have successfully sat through three movies. Which, if I might say, were uninteresting and unentertaining. Duke is crawled up in my lap, sound asleep, while Ed is shoveling popcorn into his mouth with his eyes glued to the TV. If I was being honest, I can't even recall what the last three movies were about. Usually when Ed and I watch movies, they were usually uninteresting to me; however, I was always able to pay enough attention to grasp the plot of the moves. Tonight, that's a different story. I don't even know if the movies were about aliens, monsters, or some weird epidemic.
I'm such a horrid person.
Who am I to blame for my faults but myself?
I'm not a perfect person and I don't pretend to be.
It's true, I do push people away, but it's better that way. Why risk everything and end up getting hurt in the end. I've been through too much as it is in these few short years of this so called life. Many things people wouldn't dream of happening to them, somehow ended up happening to me. I can't blame anyone. I can only accept it and move on.
When I met Detective Marx it simply wasn't the right time for me to be infatuated with anyone. I knew that, but I still got involved with him. I thought his kindness and love would heal my wounds but it only made them cut and bruise me more. He's too good for me and always will be. I don't deserve him and he deserves someone better. Someone that can make him happy.
I was scared.
I am scared.
The duration of our relationship I was terrified. I was terrified of him hurting me and pushing me away, that I inevitably hurt and pushed him away with everything I had. Which, to my amazement, only made him try harder and me fight dirty. From the foul words I called him, to the emotional breakdowns, to the complete disappearances, and lack of emotional connection wasn't enough to deter the man. It only made him try to coax me back to normal. I will never be normal; I'm just a loss cause. A loss soul in this filthy world of people who set out to only hurt each other. I blend in perfectly as one of the selfish inhabitants of this world.
I was broken a long time ago. I was broken into a million jagged pieces that cut anyone that tries to put me back together. The evidence is on my body and in the smiles of those closest to me. I see the sideways glances people throw me when they think I'm not looking. I see them perfectly and I know they see sick person I am.
It doesn't make a difference.
"Double D?" Ed calls, bring me back to reality.
"You haven't called me that in a long time." I say at the awkward nostalgia of my childhood nickname.
"It fits you well." Looking away from clock I notice the TV is turned downed low and Ed is watching me. Duke is still curled up in my lap, but this time he's awake.
"You have to stop this." He states.
"Stop what?" I don't think I did anything in the past few hours instead eat Oreos and drink milk.
"This," he motions his hand at me, "whatever you want to call it. This self loathing thing you do. I can practically feel the hate emitting off of you." Ed leans over and places his hand on my shoulder. "I know you don't like to talk to anyone about what goes on in your life, but you have to know that I'm here for you. We all are. If you ever need someone to talk to don't be afraid to reach out. I would do anything for you." I place my hand on Ed's hand and give it a small squeeze.
"I can assure you that I am fine." I give him a small smile.
"You're a horrible liar but I appreciate you caring enough to try and lie to me." Ed reaches over and pets Duke on the head. "I just don't want you to go off on the deep end again. You never know how many people actually depend on you until you stop caring." He says ruffling Duke's fur.
"I know." I say quietly. We sit in silence for a minute with Duke's breathing and the hum of the TV being the only things to fill the void.
"This was supposed to be a fun movie night, but it seems it turned into a horrible episode of Dr. Phil." Ed jokes making me laugh, easing the tension in the room.
"At least we're not on Maury fighting over who's the baby daddy." I say making Ed chuckle awkwardly. Looking up, for the first time I see fear etch its way into Ed's face. "Ed… are you okay?" No response; it's as if my words aren't even reaching him. He's staring down at his hands which are joined together in anticipation. Reaching over, I grab his hands and rub them gently. "Ed?"
"Nazz is pregnant." He blurts out.
"What?"
"I got Nazz pregnant." He says again looking up at me with tears in his eyes.
"Oh my… congratulations." I trail off not knowing what to say. I'm not good with sudden announcements and waterworks.
"I'm scared Double D." He admits wiping the back of his hand across his check; catching the falling tears. "I'm not mad or anything. I'm actually happy. I'm just scared. I worry about Nazz everyday when we're not together and now there's two of them. What am I going to do? How am I going to provide and be the man of the house? What if I'm a bad father? I mean aren't we a reflection of our parents? Won't I be like them? I don't want to be like them. A baby is going to change everything. I don't know what to do. I don't think I can handle th-"
"Ed, shut up." Ed looks up at me astonished. Before he can even protest I hold my hand up commanding him to shut his mouth. "You're going to be a wonderful father, so I don't even know why you're stressing about this. Yes, we are a reflection of our parents; however, we also are an improvement of our parents. You may look like your mother and father but you are nothing like them." I say rubbing his hands and feeling the tension in them at the mention of his father. "You may be your father's son, but you are a better man than he ever could be. If I may say, you probably will be a better father than he ever was. I know Nazz being pregnant and you becoming a father so suddenly is scary, but I know you're not alone. You have all of us to help you through this and guide you. Yes, a baby does change everything, but doesn't it change it for the good?" I question.
"For someone who sucks at being happy, you really know how to brighten the mood." Ed cays chuckling. Smiling softly, I let go of Ed's hands.
"You may always be there for me, but I'll always be there for you." I admit. Suddenly, Ed leans over and engulfs me into one of his bone crushing hugs.
"I love you so much Double D." He says into my head. Patting him on the back I gasp for precious air. For some reason it's as if Ed doesn't understand how strong he is. Ed releases me and I fall back onto the couch with Duke jumping off the couch and running for the hills; probably avoiding getting a hug himself. "I didn't want to hug him anyway." Ed jokes.
"When did you find our Nazz was pregnant?" I ask.
"She told me when she got home from one of her lunch dates. When she walked into the kitchen she just blurted it out, damn near giving me a stroke. I almost passed out, but that's besides the point, irrelevant." He says making me chuckle.
"Big strong Ed passes out because he finds out he's having a baby." Duke barks somewhere from inside the apartment making Ed's face turn red.
"That smart ass dog." He grumbles under his breath.
"Since you just found out that Nazz was pregnant, why are you here and not with her?" I ask curiously.
"After she told me, we decided, more like Nazz decided, to throw an announcement party and invite everyone. She moved up all her appointments to this weekend and went to take care of her clients so she could have next weekend free." He explains.
"Nazz, the ever so party animal."
"Exactly." He agrees.
"So I'm taking that only a few people know about the baby." Ed nods his head and gives me a sideways glance. "Unlike you, I can hold water." I state patting my lap, inviting Duke to come back. My lap's cold. Ed rolls his eyes and picks up the bowl of candy again.
"Double D…" Ed trails off, receiving a hum from me for him to continue. "Nazz and I would really like it if you came to the party. I know you don't like people and everything but…" He trails off.
"Don't worry, I will be in attendance." I confirm, making Ed smile wide.
"Um…" Ed trails off once again making his smile disappear. I hum, edging him to continue. "Eddy will also be at the party." He says nervously.
"I see." Taking a deep breath, I run my hands through my ragged hair. What I would do if I didn't ever have to see him again. My wrist begins to throb at the mere thought of him. Rubbing my left wrist, I feel the raised scar that found its home there all those years ago. Looking down, the scar stands out against my already pale skin, a constant reminder of the pain. I didn't ask for this. Exhaling again, I look over my shoulder and see Ed staring at the scar on my wrist. I don't need this. Turning my arm over, I hide the scar out of our line of sight, and force Ed to look at me.
I am me, not this ugly scar.
"I just wanted to warn you before hand…" He says rubbing the back of his neck. "I know you and Eddy don't get along, but I would love to have both of you there."
"Do not worry Ed, I will be on my best behavior. It's not me that you have to worry about, it's Eddy. I advise you to have a conversation with him before the party." I say standing up and walking towards the kitchen.
"I know and I will." Ed says following me into the kitchen. "I just don't want you to be sidelined by anything." He admits leaning against the counter. Nodding my head, I refill Duke's food and water bowl, setting them on the floor. Duke comes around the corner and dives into his midnight snack.
"I appreciate the thought, but I can assure you everything will be fine." I say wiping my hands on my pants.
"I know." Ed says smiling. We stand in complete silence, with a sound occasionally rising from Duke's food and water bowl. "I'm sorr-"
"You have nothing to be sorry for." I cut Ed off before he can finish the apology he's been trying to give me for the past few years. "It wasn't your fault. This," I say rubbing the underside of my wrist, "has nothing to do with you. This is solely between me and Eddy."
"I know. I just wish I could have done something is all." Ed's voice began to weaver making my heart wrench. I don't feel much for other people, but Ed is a different story. I don't know where I would be without him. I owe appreciate and owe him so much. I would lie my life on the line for him if needs be.
"Come on, we still have four and half more movies to go through." I say tapping Ed on the shoulder. Ed smiles brightly and quickly wipes his eyes. Smiling I wrap my arm around his shoulder.
"Oh yes we do." He says happily and pulls me towards the living room.
