Delays are an unusual beast and they tend to distract one from their line of work for example unwanted influences on my writing made me turn the characters of the Boosh into characters of Scrubs and Harry Potter. All I can really say is that I hope the following instalment makes up for delays. ANYWAY seriousness and apologies aside the following is supposedly based on the story of Hansel and Gretel it was either this or The Hobyahs which is a fantastical fairytale that no-ones ever heard of or Ol' Gregg getting preggers both were terrible. So err Welcome to our next tale and enjoy the show...
Once upon a time...
"I don't like forests, I wanna go home can we go home?" Vince whined quite loudly
"No," Naboo said dejectedly. Howard and Vince went along to one of Bollo and Naboo's business trips which Naboo was not impressed with he regretted it from the second Vince found out he said Forestlands and not Fairyland. Vince had begged Howard to come with him
[FLASH-BACK FLASH-BACK ohoohohohoooh]
"Come on its Fairyland it'll be a right laugh," Vince said to the news papered covered man, that newspaper he read was so big he had to get Bollo to help him turn the pages.
"No,"
"Aw please?" Vince gave his special puppy dog eyes look that could melt a binder covered in frosting. Howard didn't even look up from his newspaper, although to be fair that wasn't really Howard's fault he hooked the top of the newspaper to the roof. He sighed this was time to pull out the big guns "It will be this year's favour," He heard a zipping noise and Howard popped his head out of the newspaper.
"What? Really? Are you sure?" The sacred yearly favour was something they invented in primary school. Vince had gotten into the habit of asking Howard to do everything for him and then claiming it as a favour, so Howard thought up the idea of they both get one favour from each other a year. It had worked fantastically and Vince treated it very very seriously, if Howard said that it would be a favour Vince would go to the ends of the earth to make it happen. Although his usual yearly favour was for Vince to stop talking about clothes during the sale season so the whole ends of the earth thing hasn't really happened yet.
"Howard its Fairyland it's the best place in the universe," Vince said in his most serious voice.
"Well if you say so,"
[BACK TO REALITY... kind of]
"This is possibly the worst place in the entire galaxy," Vince said when they finally arrived at Dennis' shabby old shack (that was in no way shape or form related to the shack in Call of The Yeti *eyes shift sheepishly across the room*). "Can I get my favour back?"
"Sorry no refunds without a receipt," Howard said and sniggered at Vince wandering into the shack mumbling something along the lines of anal bastard. Vince went to open the door when Naboo caught him.
"VINCE NOIR! DO NOT TOUCH THAT DOOR KNOB DO YOU HEAR ME?" Vince looked startled at the even littler man's uncharacteristic outburst.
"Why?" Howard said confused. Naboo sighed
"It's a shaman door can't you read the sign?" He pointed at a sign written in a strange hieroglyphics nailed onto the door. Howard and Vince stared at it for a few minutes
"No" Vince eventually said
"It says 'For Shaman use only if used by mortal beware xoxo smiley face exclamation mark'...I couldn't really read back home,"
"Beware what?" Howard asked
"Basically if you touch it without me putting the codes in first you'll turn into a Muppet and then disintegrate now go and help Bollo with the suitcases," Vince grumbled off to the back of the car with Howard following him
"How's Fairyland Vince?" Howard smiled at his friend's pain
"Shut up, I can't believe I used my favour for this, I've been saving it up all year," Vince looked miserable as he picked up a suitcase, not his he let Bollo do the really heavy lifting no he had Howard's who after last time decided the tweed utility suit wasn't the best idea.
"Saving it up? Saving it up for what? You always ask me for sweets, how was this year going to be any different from the last 20 something years?" Howard asked confused
"I wanted us to go on an adventure again," Vince whined
"But we do go on adventures, we went on one last month remember?" Howard said
"Yeah the fridge became vegan so what?" Vince said completely out of character
"So what? It threw all of our meat and dairy products," Howard said with a lot more energy than he's used to, Vince merely shrugged. "It melted the ice cream and you tried to freeze it again in the toaster because it had a snowflake on it but then the toaster went evil and started to go on a murderous rampage,"
"What happened next Howard?" Vince said darkly
"We... unplugged it and bought a new one..." Howard realised that maybe Vince had a point (oo-er)
"Exactly we never go on proper adventures like we used to, we went everywhere remember we went to a wild jungle where you met a rocker made of cheese, we went to the Arctic Tundra just because we felt like it we even went to another planet and look at us now, working in a shop and at a desolate cabin," Vince said
"Yes!" Howard did a victory arm pump and then quickly hid it by picking up a satchel that smelt of bananas.
"What?" Vince asked
"I can't tell you, I promised I wouldn't," Howard said mostly to himself
"Promised who?"
"Leroy I promised,"
"Great now you're keeping secrets from me as well," Vince started to walk off in a huff
"Oh please as if it's a secret,"
"What?" Vince sounded hurt
"Don't get all huffy about this and promise you won't tell Leroy but me him Naboo and Bollo are playing word bingo with the things you say," Howard admitted Vince gave a confused glance at Howard who explained "You have a tape recorder on your person recording everything you say and don't start looking for it you'll never find it it's well hidden. Anyway we each have a list of words that you will never say in a billion years and at the end of each week we listen to the tapes to see if you say one of our words and desolate is one of mine," Vince glared at him and tutted
"Who's winning?" He finally said
"Well Leroy was when you said serendipity but now we're tying which is great 'cause first prize is 10 grand! That's 20 years wages!"
"You've never said those many exclamation marks in a sentence in your life,"
"And you've never tutted in your life,"
"Is it the forests?"
"I think it's because of a bad writer," Howard dead panned (I will get even with him don't you worry)
"No it has to be these forests I'm getting a really bad vibe off em," Vince glanced around the forestlands
"Who are you? Psychic Dora?"
"I might be," Vince grinned
"Oi! You two are you coming in or what?" Naboo shouted from inside the shack Vince and Howard scurried in
"Wow!" Vince said when he looked around the shack Naboo had put fairy lights around the place and glittery toadstools for chairs at least we'll assume it was him who knows what Dennis gets up to. "Aw thanks Naboo! Bollo this way," He shouted at the poor ape who was carrying the entire contents of Vince's wardrobe on his back Bollo saw the flight of stairs he had to climb he groaned. Howard shouted after them
"Hey where are you going we haven't even got rooms yet," Vince sighed at the utter stupidity of that statement.
"Have you forgotten the holiday rule? I get the room with the most closet space for obvious reasons, Naboo gets the biggest room because of his cauldron, you get the most soundproof one so we don't have to listen to your jazz rubbish and Bollo gets whatever is left over because he's an ape he only needs a hammock." Vince explained
"How come you remember this but when I ask you when is your night to do the dishes you say you can't remember?" Howard raised an eyebrow at the man who looked a little shifty
"Err well I'm pretty sure it was either a Saturday or a Monday but Saturday night is snooker night and Monday night is Peacock Dreams night,"
"You don't play snooker,"
"No but Dice my pet rock does," Vince said and wandered off leaving Howard with the near impossible task of finding a soundproof room
p-p-e-e-e-f-x-x-x-x-x-x
After they settled themselves in Vince came out with a significant statement
"I'm bored," Of course no-one was listening Naboo was making potions, no really not drugs but actual potions from his home world. Bollo had found a dusty cookbook in his room/the cupboard near the stairs, and had decided that he was the next true Nigella except hairier and with a better apron (Bollo's was an old cape Vince made into an apron, of course Vince doesn't do anything that needs an apron so he gave it to Bollo) so was reading it on the sofa, the book not the apron. And Howard? He was sticking egg cartons to the walls of his room the only sound-proof room was the one with the big closet so take a wild guess who got it.
The glitter mushrooms had only amused Vince for so long; he had started to lose interest in this whole forest thing it wasn't like he was new to these situations of Vince Noir vs. The Forest. Hell that was basically his entire childhood which probably explains his love of the city, but now is not the time for explanations now is the time for Vince to be bored. Eventually Vince got off his mushroom and started to look around the shack, it was different from the other shacks they had been in, it was two storey for a start and it had electricity why it was called a shack was beyond explanation and just plain silly. He went into the kitchen for that was where he goes when he is bored not because he thinks anything is ever going to happen in the kitchen it's just a fairly interesting place to go with all the cupboards and draws. He glanced around the room that had more cupboards than sense and they were all white it hurt Vince's eyes a little to look at it. But Vince powered on and pick a cupboard at random and opened it to reveal... nothing he opened another... nada he opened cupboards for ages but not one interesting thing appeared, unless you count the fork. So by logical conclusion he decided that Naboo looked like he needed annoying. He sneaked into Naboo's room.
"Hey Naboo... Naboo. Naboolio?... Naboo... Naboo...Boo," That got his attention
"Don't you ever again call me Boo in your life," Naboo said slightly angrily not even looking up from the spell book he was reading.
"What are you doing?" Vince said glancing over Naboo's shoulder to catch a glimpse of what he was reading but Naboo was too quick for him and hid it from Vince's view.
"Buying a frying pan... what do you think I'm doing? Secret Shaman stuff that I always do whenever we go on a business trip," Naboo said exasperated Vince watched him for a moment and then replied
"Have you been making that sarcasm potion again?" Vince asked innocently
"No I have this cauldron in front of me because the toilets are blocked," Naboo gave Vince a death stare but sarcasm is wasted on Vince everyone who knows Vince knows that however Naboo being under the influence of a sarcasm potion had forgotten that.
"The toilets are blocked? I knew that this was called a shack for a reason,"
"Get out," Vince slowly backed away and then raced to Howard's room. Howard had just finished soundproofing his room and was listening to his jazz... stuff, he was quite content with himself more content then he's ever been in his life. Mainly because, and he didn't want to sound too mean but he didn't have to share a room with Vince don't get him wrong Vince is his best mate. But now he can listen to Jazz without Vince's allergies playing up, he can keep the room tidy for longer than a day and the best part of it all was he could get a decent night's sleep without Vince pretending Howard was a road and driving his toy cars all over him or using him as a rug and have a teddy bears picnic. Vince tended to do that it was because he got so buzzed off his own energy that he couldn't sleep properly sometimes so he either draws or invents a new game for him to play usually but not always involving Howard. So Howard had his own room, yes it had egg cartons all over it but it was his.
"Hey Howard" Vince said startling Howard who nearly fell off his bed he was lounging on. He turned down the jazz out of common courtesy for Vince.
"Yeah little man," it is a little known fact that Vince has a thing about his height which is why he wears those high-heeled boots all the time. So the very first time Howard used that nickname Vince wasn't sure if he knew Vince had a height thing and was taking the piss or if he was genuinely trying to be nice. It was hard to tell with Howard nearly incapable of showing emotion, Vince decided he was being nice but used to always wince a little when he heard the name. He has since grown to love it because it was his and Howard's thing, he was "Little man" and Howard was "Small Eyes" or "Colon Explorer" if Vince really wanted a giggle.
"I think Naboo's been making that sarcastic potion again," Vince said
"What makes you say that?"
"He told me off for calling him Boo," Vince looked at the ground when he said that, Howard thought for a second.
"Get your paints I know you brought them," Vince looked curiously at Howard but did what he was told when he came back Howard had put newspaper all over the floor
"What are you doing?"
"We are painting these egg cups if it's the last thing we ever do," Vince smiled and they got down to work. Even though the newspaper was down they still managed to make the biggest mess since Lord Messius made the legendary mess of 1880 that made him a lord. Vince decided he was in charge of design, of course Howard had a fit when he saw the plans eventually he convinced Vince that a Gary Numen shrine was a bit difficult to paint onto eggcups. So they decided on colouring each cup individually so in the end it looked like a picture. Vince spent 20 minutes writing down the colour of each egg cup onto the egg cup; Howard started to set up the paints except he wasn't really sure how so he sort of made it up as he went along. When they finally started painting it was... well let's just say if the big bomb from Japan was a paint bomb the mess left from that wouldn't be as messy as when Howard and Vince finished. They had a paint war halfway through over a comment said by Vince.
"I think I did this wrong," Vince said after staring at the wall for a minute or two.
"You what?" Howard said
"I dunno I mean take a good look at it so far and what does it look like to you?"
"Terrible," Howard said without missing a beat Vince didn't realise he was joking and crept up behind Howard with his paintbrush dripping with blue paint. He quickly painted all of Howard's neck, Howard gasped and turned around quickly, he accidently painted Vince's jeans as he turned.
"This means war!" Vince narrowed his eyes at Howard and grabbed the nearest paintbrush and threw it at Howard who ducked just in time but only for it to come around back to hit him on the head boomerang style. Ten minutes later they had both built a base out of furniture on each side of the room, Vince had put on his special military cap which he wore in these kinds of situations and was giving a pep talk to his paint tins. Howard was planning his attack using a sheet from his bed as paper and was telling his paint cans his plan.
"Alright so Jones, Smithton and Rodgers hang from the hooks I nailed into the ceiling while the enemy was getting suitable uniform and when I pull the string you attack meanwhile Arbalester and I sneak over to their bases and destroy it understood?... that's what I like to hear," Howard said to his troops and started to ready himself for battle. Meanwhile
"When we volunteered for this were we expecting such a big war? No... To be honest I was eating bootlaces when I was told I was going into battle, but remember the element of surprise is our friend in these wars and in these hard times we need a friend and a decent wardrobe more than anything in the world. So now as we face the final curtain we can remember that we did it our way. Ok. Are we ready men?... and Doris... That's what I thought LET'S GO GET 'EM!" Vince shouted at his battalion who merely glared at him.
Vince looked over his barracks with a telescope to see that the paint tins were right above him
"Arghh! The bombing has started! Everybody take cover!" He ducked under a chair as Howard pulled the string and paint fell all over Vince's soldiers. Vince screamed "DORIS!" and raced out to see his only female troop covered in red paint. He picked her up and cradled her in his arms "Oh Doris don't leave us! We need you Doris, come back please come back," He pleaded with the lifeless tin. Howard and his soldier leaped into the base to see the poor Lieutenant in tears
"We have you surrounded Noir the game is up for you," Howard said in his most evil voice
"Do what you want; you've taken Doris what more could you do to us?" Vince sobbed, Howard was about to comfort his weeping friend when Naboo barged in the room
"What the bloody hell is all this racket- What have you done?" Naboo looked around the room in horror
"Hi Naboo!" Vince said cheerily tossing Doris away. He didn't notice Naboo's anger Howard did though and was bracing himself for impact "We did a painting do you like it?"
"Did you not think to keep it on the canvas?" Naboo said Vince suddenly realised why Howard was looking guilty "How could you make such a big mess in twenty minutes? This isn't even our house this is Dennis' family home, he grew up here. He's going to kill us all individually with bread and butter knives,"
"No he won't," Vince mumbled, it was a blatant lie he knew exactly what Dennis was capable of, he had seen Lester.
"How could you be so stupid? Howard how could you let Vince do this you're meant to be the responsible one!" Naboo eyes were burning into Howard "This better been cleaned up by teatime or else," Naboo threatened the left the room and slammed the door behind him. Vince and Howard looked at each other; Howard had started to give himself the Chinese burn to help the stress.
"Howard! That's not going to help you now, anyway you need that arm for cleaning," Vince said
"I am NOT cleaning this by myself!" Howard glared at Vince who merely shrugged
"Never said you would," Vince wandered off leaving the distinct impression that he didn't need to say it. Howard sighed and started to dismantle their trenches.
f-f-e-b-r-d-c-a-e-fv-
Half an hour later Howard had put all the furniture back in place and was wondering how on earth he was going to clean all this by himself by teatime which, knowing Naboo and Bollo, could be anywhere between right now and 3 years from now. The door was suddenly thrown open by a golden Chelsea boot, Vince had returned with buckets filled with soapy water and sponges, customised washing up gloves and a very determined look on his face. Howard looked amazed at the man who was in front of him.
"Who are you and what have you done with Vince?" Howard joked Vince ignored him and narrowed his eyes
"Now is not the time for jokes, now is the time for cleaning up this painted hell-hole!" Vince said to Howard. Vince ruined the moment however by dragging the bucket to a chair covered in paint and then stared at the sponge thingy for a moment. He picked it up and put on the chair and waited for it to do its thing. He flicked it when it did nothing he turned to Howard "Is this thing on?"
"It's not a microphone Vince," Vince sighed at the bad joke, was it even a joke? "It's not electrical Vince you have to scrub it yourself," Vince still looked confused "it's like a toothbrush for the chair,"
"O-kay..." Vince said suspicious of this, but slowly started to scrub the chair. He started to see the paint come off "Howard! Look at this,"
"Yeah that's what happens when you clean," Vince was getting into it he made that chair so clean you could eat off it (I wouldn't if I were you though especially if it's soup).
o—y-g-d-g-h
Every single piece of furniture was cleaned; every single bit was back to its original state thanks to Howard and Vince's dedication. All the furniture was in a clump on one side of the room and Howard and Vince were in a clump on the other.
"That was well hard," Vince wiped the sweat off his forehead "I don't know how you do it Howard,"
"I do it with hard work and dedication sir! Something you Vince Noir would know er something about now that you helped me clean." Howard was still coming to terms with Vince Noir's new identity as a cleaner, when Naboo exercised his new favourite activity for the day barging into a room uninvited.
"Right tea's ready so this better be tidied," Naboo said he started to analyse the room Vince and Howard looked very proud of their efforts. Naboo started looking at every individual detail nothing went unmissed (double negative tricky) well he was about to when something stopped him in his tracks "Why is this carpet wet?"
'Well that's how you clean chairs Naboo you have to wash them with warm soapy water," Howard said cautiously.
"Did you even think to put down newspaper? The carpets wet, there is paint all over the walls and why the hell is the furniture in the corner? You know what I don't care any more, really I don't. I'm not even going to turn my back, I'm sick of being your mother, I'm sick of having to watch you two 24/7 in case something goes wrong which by the way it always does. And do you know what I'm sick of the most?" By this stage Howard and Vince had their heads down in a deep pit of shame Vince bravely shook his head "I'm sick of you," Naboo pointed at Vince "And I'm sick of you," He pointed at Howard "Now get out of my sight," They both hurried off.
"Do you think he meant that?" Vince asked quietly after they were both safe in Vince's room. There was a long pause, what just happened was slowly sinking into the two boys brains.
"No," Howard said finally after clearly thinking about it "He couldn't have meant it, it was the potion talking,"
"Right potion of course," Vince convinced himself
o-od—v-d-c- -f-f-v-f
"I want them out before the council get here for the weekend," Naboo said to Bollo who was cooking up a storm in the kitchen, literally he had found a recipe for storm in a teacup but he was struggling with making the teacup.
"Why?" Bollo asked
"They destroyed Dennis' room," Bollo looked up from his saucepan and stared at Naboo
"They dead,"
"I know I need them out so I can calm Dennis down or something. So you make them leave and not come back for a while got that?" Naboo asked Bollo who grinned an awful grin "Don't kill them because I wanna do that when they get back on Monday," Naboo said and Bollo's grin disappeared from sight.
"Not even little bit?"
"No," Bollo's face lit up "And destroying them mentally classes as killing them," Bollo sighed and shuffled off.
Fort-de-France (that counts as a break by the way)
Bollo entered Vince's room to find the two boys playing Scrabble but this was no ordinary Scrabble this was Man's Scrabble. They would throw letters onto the board in the hope they would end up making the most macho words of all time (they didn't they usually ended up with flower or ballet or on one occasion vulva that was a funny night that one), the game always ended with either one of them starting a fight over scoring or one of them throwing the board across the board in protest (they also ended Monopoly in a similar manner). They invented Man's Scrabble in high school when Vince was quite depressed about some bullies and Howard was desperate to cheer him up so he said a random statement along the lines of imagine how those tit boxes play Scrabble and they took it from there.
"Hi Bollo!" Vince grunted and posed in a manly fashion. Howard fell to the floor laughing, Vince grinned at Bollo "What are you doing?"
"We go for walk in woods," Bollo didn't know what he was doing but he had the idea that if he lost them in the woods they probably won't be back for a little while.
"Alright! Let's go!" Vince raced out of the room Bollo followed; Howard sighed and started to clean up Scrabble. Vince suddenly put his head round the door and gestured for Howard to go with them Howard gave him a confused look. Vince sighed "Come on Howard," he grabbed his arm and dragged him out of the room.
