Four months of being pregnant and Natasha was still not used to it. Not used to the way her stomach began protruding, or how gentle everyone treated her. Even Clint, who knew something like pregnancy wouldn't hold her back. Hell, she had even caught Nick being softer with her, the way he would place a gentle hand on her back as they walked or would insist on helping whenever she sat down despite her doing it perfectly fine on her own. She wasn't expecting it, the way the people in her life were so forthcoming with affection when she didn't feel like she deserved it, especially from Steve. Who still after everything, was sitting besides her at that very moment as they attended the monthly checkup. He had been quiet when she caught up with him, already sitting in the waiting room reading a magazine that she knew he didn't care about. After checking in she had sat besides him, offering him a polite greeting, one he returned before turning back to the pages in front of him. She didn't blame him, the last time she had been alone with him he had kissed her, only for her to push him even farther away than she already had. The memory, and the pain, still prevalent after only two weeks, and clearly not just for her. But he was still invested, listening closely to what the doctor was saying and even offering that bright smile of his that she had always secretly loved when it was time for the ultrasound.
Pepper had informed her that it would go by quickly, and she knew the words rung true as she watched the screen. In almost no time at all her body had changed, grew daily as her baby did and there was no hiding anymore. No more having to announce to everyone the news, or having to push away the fear or doubt to deal with at another time as her and Steve's future was right there in front of them. She felt changed too. She was oddly sentimental, the time spent with her team making her grateful in a whole new way knowing that there was to be a new addition soon. That they would love her kid almost as much as she did.
Not that she'd ever say that out loud or anything.
And pregnancy wasn't that bad, Natasha decided. In fact, she might even love being pregnant. Her whole life she lived without a family and with the knowledge that she'd never be able to create her own. It was easier to accept when she grew older and joined SHIELD, and realized that family wasn't always blood. But still, something warm unfurled in Natasha's chest every time she caught a glimpse of her baby on that ultrasound screen or heard their heartbeat and just knew that they were hers.
She loved even the uncomfortable parts. While some women would have resented the morning sickness, back pains, or weight gain, Natasha felt strangely lucky. It was far from easy, and given the luxury of a normal life she was sure it would be one of the most difficult things she would go through. But never in her wildest dreams could she imagine that she'd be pregnant, that her body could go through all of this, and the only thing she could bring herself to feel was grateful. Besides, Natasha was familiar with pain but for this, she didn't mind any aspect of it at all. She could recall many times that she had been through worse, and she knew her limits. The pain was more than bearable. And if it was for her child then she'd do it a million times over. Every day for the rest of her life as long as she was helping them in some way.
For Steve too. As the love she was feeling in that moment was mirrored on his face, eyes still glued to the screen. Things between them were not right, and she knew it was her fault, before it all happened she regretted that night. Regretted letting her guard down and hurting him when he was too good to see anything bad in her, but she didn't regret how she felt in those moments before reality hit. Being with him in a way it never was with anyone else, and even enjoying the time spent after as they laid awake, talking and kissing like it was their new normal. Things were far from fixed and she doubted they would ever be the same, but at least she could do this for him. Even if he could barely spend more than a few moments with her. As the second he was given the opportunity to leave he took it, only able to walk her to her car safely but silently before saying a quick farewell. Looking a little pained as he got one last look at her before turning on his heels to his bike.
She sat in her car, not really sure what to do with herself. Feeling strangely energetic but nervous, like she had all this pent up energy that she couldn't put to use just sitting at home. So she pulled her phone out, not really in the mood to have Clint pry about her love life, even if it was difficult to admit that she even had one in the first place, but not wanting to be alone. More than anything she wanted to see Steve, ironically enough, he was the only one she wanted to talk to about something like this. For obvious reasons she couldn't, for the first time since she met him she couldn't rely on him. And he couldn't rely on her either as he was clearly as pained as she was and she was completely to blame. Her fingers were moving quickly, typing out a message to one person that she could handle seeing in that moment.
It was a short drive to get to Stark Tower, where Wanda was currently wrapped up in some meeting or another. Natasha waited in her car, not really wanting to go inside where it would be inevitable that she would run into Sam or Clint. She hadn't seen Sam in a few months, and she had purposely avoided him for a number of reasons that seemed more and more childish every time she ran through them. Steve had told him the news already, not that it was exactly new anymore, but she didn't think she could handle it. Sam being supportive of her, being sweet when she didn't deserve it. When she had hurt Steve, his closest friend and the person who undoubtably told him everything that had happened between them. She couldn't deal with it in that moment. So she stayed in the car, listening to music as she scrolled through her emails trying to catch up on work on the day off Nick insisted she took.
It wasn't long before Wanda was slipping inside the car, smiling cheerfully as she said, "Hey, Nat!" Then turning to her stomach and saying, "Hey, Little Nat."
Natasha smiled, feeling a bit better after her day. "Hey," she greeted, "Little Nat?"
"What else am I supposed to call them? Little Steve?"
Natasha snorted, starting the engine as she eagerly put space between her and the Tower. "So you're messing with me."
"Was that not clear?" Wanda asked, looking innocent. The smile never leaving her face as she gently teased Natasha. "How was everything?"
"Good. Baby's healthy and growing fine," she answered, eyes on the road.
"How was Steve?"
Wanda knew how he was, and had probably spoken to him more than Natasha has in the past few months. He worked with her a lot, training her and offering her support after she joined the team. He had admitted to Natasha before how much it hurt him that she lost her brother, and she noticed how he had looked out for her because of it. It was sweet, and just so completely… Steve. This kid was lucky to have him, and the thought alone had her fighting a smile as she drove. But remembering their situation made it quickly fall from her face as she tried to think of an answer. If anyone else asked her then she would have been annoyed, angry in the way she always was when someone poked around in her business. But she liked Wanda, she was quiet in a comforting way but could still hold a conversation when Natasha wanted to. And she was Natasha's friend. She didn't have a lot of those.
"He's alright," she answered, knowing full well what Wanda was doing.
"You're upset," Wanda stated, looking serious and leaving no room for any argument.
"I'm not upset."
"You are," she insisted. A pause. "Have you told him how you felt?"
Was no one scared of her anymore?
"He knows," Natasha answered, feeling too drained to get into it. It was a bit ridiculous, denying anything when she was sitting there pregnant. Not to mention painful, as her hands were tightening on the wheel as she thought of Steve.
"Does he?"
"We talked about you poking around in my head," she warned.
"Found what I was looking for anyway," Wanda said, smug. Reclining in her seat, she asked casually, "Has Steve proposed yet?"
"Hilarious," Natasha deadpanned.
"I'm serious," Wanda prodded.
"No," she said in disbelief. "We're not getting together."
"And Steve's okay with that?"
Wanda was lucky she was on her good side. "I don't want a relationship."
"But he does?"
"You can walk home," Natasha threatened. Though Wanda only laughed, showing no fear even if she did drop it. Choosing the silence Natasha had become used to in her presence. Though she couldn't really say the silence was pleasant as her mind raced.
Marriage. She hadn't even thought of the possibility, her mind refusing to even entertain the thought. But it didn't mean that Steve hadn't thought of it, hadn't planned on it. He wouldn't want to. Wouldn't want to make that commitment just because of a social construct, but given his upbringing she knew he would still feel obligated to even if his heart wasn't in it. She'd say no, she knew that much at least. But the thought of having to reject him again, to see him get down on one knee and break his heart all over again. She almost had to pull the car over, even would have done it if she was alone, instead she kept driving. Breathing steadily as she focused on the road and tried to clear her mind.
She wanted to talk to Steve. Wanting things to be how they used to so she could spend a few hours with him which always seemed to soothe her. Comfort her in a way no else could as he cracked jokes and smiled in a way that always had her smiling back. She missed him.
Grief hung heavy in her chest, rooting inside her and weighing on her heart. It felt like she lost him for good, lost one of the few people she could truly trust. One of the few people who actually trusted her in return.
It would be easy. Telling him she was ready for a relationship when she wasn't, probably wouldn't ever be, truthfully. But what would be difficult would be the years that followed. She could see him staying with her even if he was unhappy, sacrificing his joy and his life just to make her feel better or to keep whatever makeshift family they had together. No, he had sacrificed enough, and it wasn't something she was going to let him do. Even if there was no part of her that could tell him she didn't want him, not anymore. Not when his absence in her life felt like a blow to her chest every time she thought of him.
Before she knew it they were at their destination, an outdoor mall that Wanda frequented often. Wanda was already getting out of the car but Natasha hung back a moment, trying to collect herself before leaving the safety of the car. Wanda spared her the judgement or even the invasion of privacy as she finally got out, only smiling at her as if she couldn't feel what Natasha was feeling. She changed the subject too as they walked, maneuvering to safe topics that didn't involve Steve. The day passed by quickly and Natasha was able to find a few things, even managed to have a good time as they shopped.
Up until a few hours later, when Wanda had gotten quiet and Natasha knew something was coming. Her eyes were focused on the clothes when she said it, concentrated on shifting through the racks and not bothering to look at Natasha. "He thinks about you a lot," she revealed.
She didn't have to ask who she was talking about, she knew it was Steve. "I know."
"And he's always sad, even if he doesnt show it. I can feel it whenever I'm around him."
She knew that too, and knew that it was her fault. Still. "Why are you telling me this?"
"Because he's happy around you." Natasha stopped short, a hand still on the dress she was intending to pick up. She couldn't imagine why he would be, or even why he didn't hate her after everything. "I can feel that too."
"He's excited to be a father," Natasha reasoned. That, she was certain of.
"And to have a reason to be in your life. I don't see why you don't just tell him, it's clear he feels the same way."
He kissed me.
The words were rising, trying to get out as she pursed her lips to stop them. She hadn't told anyone, as she didn't really have anyone to tell. She didn't have siblings, but if she did she was sure it would be something resembling her relationship with Clint. So she spared him the details of her and Steve, knowing he would retreat into the maturity level of a child if she mentioned anything even remotely physical that happened between them and demand that she stopped. Not that she wanted to know anything about Clint's sex life either, the thought alone bringing a grimace to her face. The kiss was on her mind though. Time had made it easy to resist him, her mind set on keeping Steve away being an easy decision without too recent of a memory of being with him. But it all came back to her when his lips were on her's, reminding her how difficult it was to resist him and making it impossible not to kiss him back.
It had thrown her off to say the least. Worst, it had given Steve hope for something between them. Hope that he hadn't had since she had let him down in that hospital room. He knew her reasoning now, at least, even if he refused to accept it. It would be nice to talk about, to get it off her chest and maybe work through the confusion she was feeling, and if there was anyone to do it with, it was Wanda. Instead she sighed, burying the thought and refusing to free it as she pulled a dress off the rack without even double checking that it was her size. Intending to use it escape to the changing rooms, but something else caught her eye as she turned.
Through the front window she could see clearly across the street. The babies clothing store in full view as she tried to peek through the windows. There was a fair amount of clothes on display, but one alone caught her eye. She set the dress back, no longer interested as she said, "I'll be right back."
Wanda followed her line of sight, catching on as she smiled. "I'll come with you."
She felt drawn to it, hurrying across the street as fast as she could to get a closer look. A few weeks prior and the store full of baby clothes would have sent her into a state of panic. Feeling inadequate and nervous wasn't exactly pleasant, and she would have avoided it. She didn't feel that now though, she didn't feel ready but she felt excited. Especially as she found what she was looking for. Only a few sizes left but still one that would fit her son or daughter when they were ready for them.
"It's cute," Wanda commented, "Steve would love them."
Natasha looked at the overalls, so small and delicate. Seemingly unspecial, the only thing catching Natasha's attention was the patch in the middle of the pocket. The Captain America symbol sewn right in front, proudly displaying the shield. "He would," she agreed, already walking to the register.
"Are we doing Chinese or pizza?" Tony asked, holding his phone in his hand and waiting for a reply. There were numerous shouts about what everyone's choices were, though Natasha suspected that Tony ignored them and simply chose what he wanted. "Chinese it is," he said, dialing the phone and ducking out of the room to place the order.
There were some sounds of protests, mainly from Clint as he claimed that the democracy of the Tower was "going to shit." But Natasha didn't care, she only reclined in the plush chair that matched the one Tony had gotten Pepper when she had reached her second trimester to sit comfortably, as another one conveniently popped up after Natasha had shared her own news with everyone. It was thoughtful of Tony and much appreciated as Natasha could feel herself slipping into a light sleep even as the room was alive with the usual Saturday night buzz of the Tower. Which was surprising, she never got any sleep at home even with the added exhaustion of pregnancy. But she had been feeling drained as of late, and not even the voices of her friends could stop her eyelids from feeling heavy.
All for three seconds before she felt someone settle into the chair besides her. Knew it was Sam by the way he leaned close to her, ready to converse, open like he always was. She opened her eyes, being greeted by Sam's friendly smile for the first time since the party at the Tower months before.
There was a lot he could say to her, she was sure. Confront her for avoiding him, for hurting Steve, for not sharing the news with him even though he had done nothing but have her back since the moment he met her. But he did none of that, only reclined in the seat as he asked, "These the pregnant lady chairs?"
"Why?" She smiled, "You're expecting?"
"Yeah, and it's also Steve's. Didn't know how to break it to you," Sam joked, already laughing at his own joke.
She shook her head, actually smiling as something close to relief filled her. Relief that Sam didn't hate her, and that he wouldn't be walking on eggshells around her either. Relief that someone like him was there for Steve when she couldn't be. "Knew you had that glow to you, Sam."
He smiled, the air between them comfortable as if she hadn't been avoiding him. "Congratulations, Natasha," he said, sincerity written in every part of his voice.
"Thank you," she said. It made her wonder what Steve had told him, how he spoke of her or what he actually thought of the whole situation. Sam would know, he would undoubtably be who Steve confided in. "How is he?" She asked, unable to stop herself.
Sam sighed, the smile disappearing from his face. "Not good," he answered truthfully. "I'm guessing you haven't really been talking?"
Not since the kiss. He had tried, she could tell, but she spared him the trouble. Knowing time was the only remedy even if they did not exactly have too much of it. "No, not really."
"Just talk to him. You'll both feel better," Sam assured her.
Doubtful, but she still nodded. "Excuse me," she said, rising from the chair as quickly as she could. Sam was quick to assist her, putting a hand on her arm as he helped her up with ease. Her feet carried her to the kitchen, knowing it would be empty and that she could get the much needed space.
And it should have been empty, but as the fridge door closed she locked eyes with Steve. The beer bottles in his hand almost dropping at the shock of not hearing her enter. He smiled tightly, though she didn't miss how his eyes lit up brightly as they landed on her stomach. Her conversation with Wanda played over in her head, a reminder that Natasha wasn't the only one struggling through all of this. She put a hand on her stomach, unsure of what to say but knowing he was holding something back.
"Hey," she said, breaking the silence.
"Hi."
He looked uncomfortable, but at least he wasn't calling her ma'am. She knew it was difficult for him to be around her, but it wasn't exactly easy for her either. She wished it wasn't like this, that she could do something without hurting him. Every path felt wrong; she tries her best at a normal friendship with him and it hurts him, she stays away and she still hurts him. She was at a lost, frustrated in a way she never was before because she hated more than anything that she was doing this to him. Still, there had to be something about her that was making him happy, and she had a feeling she knew what it was.
"I found something today," she found herself saying. He seemed interested, raising an eyebrow as he watched her pull the fabric out of her purse that she had coincidentally left on the counter. She revealed it to him rather unceremoniously, holding it by the sleeves and letting it unravel out of its fold until it was on display. "I know it's early but it's pretty adorable, and I figured it would work for either gender."
Steve beamed brightly as she passed the overalls to him for a closer look, eyes lighting up as he accepted it eagerly. He ran a hand over the fabric, lost in what it meant to own the article of clothing as he looked it over. "It's so small," he whispered, almost like he could barely believe it.
"I know, but apparently they come out like that."
"It's starting to feel real," he said. He didn't bother hiding the emotion in his voice. Usually it made Natasha a bit uncomfortable, someone being genuine as she never really knew what to say or get from it. And it had been difficult, seeing Pepper and Tony and knowing how different they were from her and Steve. How prepared they were and how happy they made each other. She didn't resent them for it, but it didn't exactly help her doubts either, especially knowing that Steve noticed the differences also. But there were some similarities, the complete and utter devotion she saw in Tony was mirrored in Steve. That something as simple as the first article of clothing had caught his attention completely. It made her heart swell, and she realized she was smiling as she watched him. Grateful for him in an entirely new way as they shared this.
"It is," she agreed, remembering her due date. "September isn't too far away."
"I cant decide if it can't come fast enough or if I need it to slow down."
"I know what you mean," she laughed. Five months was not a long time at all, and with the everything that had happened between them she wondered where they would be then. What version of them would they become when they were finally parents.
What was a few months, really? It was only five months previous that she thought she could never have kids, or have Steve for that matter. Now her life was completely different from anything she could have expected, pregnant and with Steve being the father no less. Something she never would have believed if she had been told beforehand. Then again it only took all of three seconds for Clint to offer her a new life, one that she never expected but is grateful for everyday. She had escaped from the Red Room, a hope that she had had for so long, and had become a SHIELD agent quite literally overnight. Time was strange and worst of all unpredictable, and she hoped that whatever was coming their way was better than where they were now. That they could reach some understanding, that she could find a way to not hurt him with every action.
"Are you happy, Steve?"
He looked surprised by the question, and he took a moment to answer. "Of course I am," he said.
He didn't seem convincing, answering in a stoic tone and avoiding adding reasoning. She knew he wasn't, knew she was only one of the factors even if it was undeniable that she was a big one. She wondered if he had ever slowed down to fully cope with his life, with his burdens and the undeniable ptsd he must have from a war that was now history. Of Bucky and all the things she knew he felt responsible for. "I don't want you to think that you have to hide anything from me."
He was lonely. She had noticed in Washington and had made it a point to befriend him because of it. Once she decided she cared for him her mind was set on it. He wasn't a difficult man to figure out once she had accepted that it was possible to be good just for the sake of it. To not demand anything in return after giving everything. He hid his pain though, refused to even deal with it himself as he went through life.
"I could say the same to you, Natasha."
There was a pause as silence filled the air. She didn't feel angry and she could never feel any sort of hatred towards him, she just felt lost. Anger was something she was used to, she felt it flare up every time she thought of the Red Room. Of the countless girls who had to go through what she did, who still go through it even if Natasha got away from it all. But everything with Steve was entirely new, and she didn't know what to do with it. Didn't know what this feeling was that both hurt her and brought her joy to be around him. The unknown was terrifying. Dangerous and unsafe. There was safety in always having the upper hand, to fake knowledge to gain it. But she didn't want any tricks or lies with Steve, she just wanted to understand. To have some path picked out for her that would stop his hurting.
"Be honest with me, Steve."
He breathed deeply, taking his time in answering as he leaned against the counter with his arms folded across his chest. "I am happy, doesn't mean I'm not still having those rough days because I am. But what else can you do but move forward?" He answered.
"Find out how to have have less of those bad days?" She offered. To do something, anything, to help himself so she could stop feeling like this.
"Again, I can say the same to you."
They locked eyes, challenging each other. They were similar in the worst ways, both their stubbornness unable to reach a compromise between the two of them. Faintly, she could hear Tony calling that the food had arrived, and it broke her out of the trance. Brought her back to earth as Steve began to depart from the kitchen. But not before handing her the overalls back, with a gentle, "Keep it safe."
"Of course," she said, accepting them mechanically but not bothering to look at him as he passed. She did keep them safe, taking the time to carefully fold them and placing them securely in her purse before joining everyone in the dining room.
Everyone was already seated and helping themselves to the take out boxes scattered around the table. There was a single available seat, sandwiched between Steve and Tony and something told her that it had been intentional on the latter man's part. Still, she took it and tried to ignore her close proximity to Steve as she tuned into the conversation.
Her head hurt, and she was freezing. She was never cold, not after she grew up in Russia. Having to fight in the snow without even so much as a coat in the Red Room had toughened her up when it came to the element, and she still remembers her bare limbs freezing as they lined them up. Nothing could be worse than that, that she was positive of. But her body was shaking, forgetting its history as if the temperature in the Tower was something that could effect her to that degree. Everyone else seemed fine, talking and laughing as they ate dinner, completely unbothered.
So she ignored it, concentrating on her food as she pushed it around the plate. Not really feeling hungry as a violent nausea washed over her. Dully, she registered something sliding over her shoulders, and didn't have to look up to know it was Steve. His smell surrounded her as he wrapped his jacket securely around her, comforting in a way she wished it wasn't as she pulled it closer around her. "Everything alright?" He asked.
"Fine," she said quickly.
He ignored her, choosing instead to press the back of his hand to her head. "You're burning up, Nat."
That caught Tony's attention, and he turned away from Pepper as he asked, "You're sick?"
"She has a fever," Steve said for her.
"It's just cold in here," Natasha said. She didn't get sick. Physically couldn't with the healing factor of her serum, but then again she couldn't get pregnant either. Still, she wouldn't be taken down by a cold of all things.
"I say this with love, Natasha, but don't breathe on Pepper," Tony said, quite literally creating a human shield between her and his wife.
She relented, rising to her feet and returning to the couch. Not having an appetite anyway as she left her plate behind. She felt Steve's eyes on her, undoubtedly looking concerned as she settled back into the cushions, but she ignored it. She pulled his jacket closer to her as she felt the exhaustion catch up to her, her body feeling worn and tired.
Sleep consumed her, even after dinner when everyone had moved to the couches around her she stayed unconscious. Her body needing the rest as it healed itself. When she awoke once more it was well into the night, and someone had placed a pillow beneath her head and thrown a blanket over her. Clint was eye level with her, poking her face to wake her in the most annoying way he possibly could. "Come on, Germy, I'll get you home," he informed her.
She looked around, her head protesting as it throbbed with every turn. Everyone had already gone to bed, leaving only her and Clint in the common room. Until her eyes landed on Steve, watching from afar with his arms crossed against his chest. "Feeling better?" Steve asked.
No. "Yeah," she shrugged. She rose, already shrugging off his jacket even if the cold air was almost unbearable. "Thanks," she said, handing it back to him.
"Anytime."
"Ready to go?" Clint questioned, already placing a hand on her as he helped her walk. She didn't miss the way Steve's eyes lingered on the gesture, and if she didn't know better than she would've thought he looked almost… jealous? "Coming, Steve?" He asked.
Steve nodded, following them to the elevator. The ride down was quiet, but she could feel Steve's gaze on her, burning into her as she willed the numbers to decrease faster. It was a relief when the doors opened, exposing the empty parking level and concluding their ride. Clint cheerfully said a goodbye to Steve, one he returned with less enthusiasm as his eyes stayed on her. She only waved to him, too exhausted to do much more before passing her keys over to Clint.
It wasn't until they were in her car did Clint speak speak up. "Was it just me or did Steve seem like he wanted to fight me?"
"He doesn't want to fight you," Natasha argued. Already her hands were going to the dash, turning the knobs and adjusted the controls until the heater was turning on. "He's upset at me."
"Upset?"
"Not upset, just…" Sad. Drained from the heartache she had put them both through.
"I get it," he assured her as she trailed off. "But you need to work things out. I'd do a lot for you, Tasha, but that doesn't include getting punched by Captain America."
"He's not going to punch you," she argued.
"If you keep wearing his jacket then he won't."
"Shut up, Clint."
AN: A bit of a shorter chapter this time around and I am sorry about that, but there is quite a longer one planned soon!
As always thank you for all the favorites/follows and reviews, even if everyone is a little angry at Steve and Natasha right now. Gotta love slowburn and it's ability to be addicting and infuriating all at once. If you've read anything else I've written then you know that I love fluff so just hang in there if that's what you're looking for. Lastly, let me know what you thought!
