Hi, so here is another chapter-I hope you all enjoy this one-this is a little bit of a filler chapter and nothing much real plot begins in the next four or so kind of chapters and while the Merthan is kind of slow burning we all know what happens at the end of Season 12.

Disclaimer-Nothing is mine,

Please Read and Review.

And I will endeavour to have the next chapter posted sooner rather than later.


Weight Of What Was

Chapter 7-I Walk Away.

Nathan learns the secret to Amelia's distain for Penny Blake. Amelia comes to a painful realisation. Meredith shares her doubts with Alex who thinks there might be a reason why Meredith is so interested in Riggs and as she tries to come to terms with the loss of her husband.

Episodes Covered-12x14


"I walk alone, besides myself, nowhere to go. My flesh and bone. This part of me, the seeds I've sown" (Flesh and Bone-Black Math)


The next weeks flew by and it was almost like he was finally getting used to working in this place. Owen was still treating him with thinly veiled distain and Meredith Grey had taken to shooting him looks that Nathan couldn't read whenever they were in the same room. Maya was still drifting about for lack of a better word but there were now dark circles under her eyes that she continued to brush off whenever he asked her about it. There was something happening with his daughter he was pretty sure. He had a feeling it was not something to do with food—he had been watching her a meal times closely and she didn't do any of the things that he had long ago dismissed and not seen as warning signs.

But there was still something that had the side of him that was used to threats coming from all over and he had a feeling that he couldn't shake and it was putting him more and more on edge.

Though he had to admit the change of pace was nice. It was nice to do the longer surgeries and the more interesting cases and helping people who still in their own way did need him, instead of doing what he could making sure they got sent on their way and hoping for the best and then turning to the next patient he was finally being able to spend more time with them, to get to know them and talk to them and do all the things you could never do whenever you were in a war zone or a relief zone.

And if he was being honest with himself he had to admit that he was enjoying having actual brand new shiny toys and the latest surgical implements to play around with.

He had yet to find a resident that gelled with him yet. Wilson was with Torres most of the time, Meredith had complete demand over Penny Blake. Amelia liked Edwards, Jackson Avery liked Ben Warren, perhaps DeLuca had potential out of all of the interns and another intern named Cross wasn't a complete idiot even if he acted like it most of the time. Who knew? Stranger things had happened after all, and he had to admit Nathan wanted someone to teach.

Especially as he suspected that he had lost his daughter to Nuro if that damn floating brain was anything to go by that was still on the shelf next to his daughter's bed. He swallowed again as he stepped into the elevator only to see Amelia and Owen in the middle of planning a date.

Huh…well…the snide part of him that had not gotten over the fact that Owen blamed him for his sister's disappearance in a freak force of nature wanted to say that Owen had done better than he could have imagined and then he wanted nothing more to than to kick himself because going down that road was to really consider who was responsible for Megan getting on that chopper and he was not going to do that minutes before he was going to be handed a scalpel and someone's beating heart.

Amelia at least smiled to him as she pulled away from Owen. It was made rather awkward due to the body and the bed that the patient was in and he paused looking around at her and smiling back as Owen with a face like thunder stormed out of the elevator and Penny Blake looking as if she was going to the gallows stepped in.

"How's Maya doing?" Amelia asked either not seeing Blake standing there looking as if she wished she could be anywhere but here or doing a wonderful job of ignoring her.

"That damn brain tumour is by her bed and she's been looking up both you and your bother all weekend. You converted my kid Shep. I think she likes Nuro to much"

Amelia gave a laugh looking like a little kid on Christmas. "I knew it" she said. "And that hurts you Cardio god doesn't it?"

"Well you try having a kid that raised by a Cardio and a Trauma surgeon with a Trauma surgeon as an uncle and a trauma nurse as a grandmother and then have her come and tell you that instead of liking the pace and the rush and the adrenaline she prefers to be delicate and detailed and poking around people's brains"

Amelia laughed again. "So good" she said. "Hey" she said as if the idea had just come to her. "Why don't you get her to come into the gallery one day as I do some surgeries. Actually I could get her in the room if I got Webber on board"

"Shep please tell me you are not going to give my sixteen year old a clamp and tell her to clip an brain bleed" he said unable to stop his grin. "Because both common sense and insurance will tell you that is a disaster in the making"

"I've never been a fan of common sense" Amelia said beaming "And Maya seems smart"

"Yeah she is but I've never been a fan of malpractice suits"

Amelia laughed. Penny Blake coughed and then the whole happy feeling that was in the room died a death as Amelia Shepherd became a woman of stone.

Well…that was interesting.

What was it with Blake. If she was dead fish then there was no point in teaching her at all and if she wasn't then…well…if it was her vs Amelia then he had to give Blake some credit. He knew enough to know what he was like when he had to be strong enough when everyone was whispering about you. He at least was an attending in dark scrubs with the benefit of a lifetime of aid work and the military to the rank of Major had given him some backbone but he had not been a resident with at least three years more training to learn a fellowship to go after and trying to start a career.

And that was even before he managed to get a look at the patient.

This was why he didn't miss the military he thought watching Gail the husband's wife and the man's mistress sitting there spitting looks at each other that was so dark he felt like he was walking through hell just looking at them—if he believed in that kind of thing of course. Patients like this were too interesting to him. Drama like this took his mind of what was going off in his own personal life and judging by Shep's slightly gritted teeth the same could be said for her as well.

"So what's the deal with Blake?" Riggs asked her as they were heading down to surgery. Amelia looked at him as if he had just asked who she had lost her virginity too and why.

"Look" he amended before he turned her against him too. "I'm the new guy and if she is the dead fish then I would like to know. I too am looking for somebody to teach"

Amelia looked at him for a beat longer and then looked away as if the question was too painful to answer. She looked as if she was struggling to find the words and then without warning her hand stopped the elevator and they were plunged into darkness.

"My brother was Derek Shepherd. The other Shepherd. Well you know his career I suppose"

Nathan nodded because everyone knew of Derek Shepherd even if you were in Iraq nine times out of ten. They did get medical journals after all even if they were a bit late and he knew all about the spinal tumour that was supposed to be inoperable that he had pulled out and he also knew that Derek Shepherd was one of the best that there was. And he also knew that he had died last year because of a brain bleed (and if that wasn't the very definition of ironic then he wasn't sure what was).

"You know he was married to Meredith?"

He nodded again because everyone knew that story, of the attending who had begun a relationship with his intern. It wasn't uncommon and Nathan would be lying would he to say that he had not indulged in those relationships himself when he had been lonely and desperate and confused with a child at home who got quieter and quieter as the days went by.

There was a pause where he stood there and imagined Meredith Grey as a wife. It was a happier picture than the one that he was going to see when he stepped off this floor no doubt. It wasn't that he didn't understand Meredith Grey it was that she made no effort to understand him. Even though he had tried.

"The night my brother died Blake was his doctor in the trauma room"

Nathan's eyebrows rose without him being able to stop them and tried to school his expression into something that was becoming rapidly surprised. He had no idea why Blake had been given a job here if there had been a death attached to her—the death of Derek Shepherd which was no joke. Meredith Grey was not a pushover and neither was Amelia Shepherd and yet they had both come to work each day and manged to work with Blake.

"She pushed for a head ct. She was denied and therefore my brother died of a brain bleed. He had an open wound and the doctor that was out to lunch waited too long."

There was a pause as he took that in.

"We all make mistakes" he said lightly. "Your going to look me in the eye and tell me as a resident you never made them. Blame the attending if you want to but she…well…it's probably not fun for her either"

"What?" Amelia asked him turning to look at him.

"You know about me and Owen, you know about Maya, and you and Owen are clearly tight…how much did he tell you about me?"

Amelia was silent and that was really all he needed to know.


Blake was good. God she was good. She had all the rare talent for brain surgery that she had, that Derek had, that with schooling and training and time Maya Riggs had. Nuro was something you were born with, you could either do it or you couldn't. It wasn't trauma, it was peds, it wasn't cardio where things could be learnt over time. It was different, you either had the delicate nature for this or you didn't. Either way it didn't change anything. Blake was good for this.

And now Amelia had to teach her.

She had allowed Derek to die of a brain bleed and Amelia now had to teach her how to be Derek.

She couldn't do it.

She couldn't do it.

She had to do it.

And there was nothing that she could do to stop it.

God she felt sick again.

She wanted…she wanted…

She wanted Owen.


"I don't like him" Alex said not looking up from his magazine. "Oh he's good I'll give him that, he has talent and charm and he gives a shit about his patients, and you and I have both seen doctors that don't but I don't like him and there's something about his kid Mer. You look at her and she looks older than both of us combined"

Meredith nodded.

"What do you think it is? That she defends him without even flinching?"

"I think she sees him as the only parents she is ever going to have and she knows it. I think she sees him as the only thing she has. And you and I don't know anything about this because we had shitty dads that never stuck around. Riggs is a good dad. And anyway why do you care?"

"I don't" Meredith said finally. "I mean…" she put a load of washing in the machine and then turned to snatch back her cereal box that he was munching straight out of"

"I want to…there's something that happened Alex, it's more than a helicopter crash and she knows it and more to the point it's like she keeps the secret as some kind of punishment and she draws on it as some kind of strength at the same time. I've never met anyone like her Alex. Sometimes I think…"

"You think she's more like you, dark and twisty but yet desperate to be loved?"

Meredith shot him a look that she knew was less than polite.

"Hey" Alex said standing up and reaching for the wine. "Hey I've known you for over ten years Mer I know how you think but Maya Riggs is something else and I just got you back from that year you took out. Riggs and his daughter is his concern she is not yours. If she's messed up because her Mom never came back then you can't fix it and your just making things worse."

Meredith tried to ignore that he was right. There was the fact that it was none of her business but there was a fact that this had moved passed finding out what the hell had gone on between Owen and Riggs. This was about a girl who was so wrapped up in mystery and damage that it was like looking in a mirror.

And then there was Riggs. He wasn't Derek. But there was something about him that she couldn't put her finger on. There was something…there was something…there was always going to be something.

"Is there another reason why you want to spend time with this girl and her father?" Alex said in one of those rare moments where he knew what was going on more than she did. Where he knew her better than she knew herself, when he was her person.

"No" Meredith said shaking her head and pulling herself out of those thoughts, the dangerous kind. She had that army guy now didn't she?

"Not at all"

"Then walk away" Alex said finally. "And let that kid live her life and let Owen and Riggs get on with theirs. Not worth it"

"I know" Meredith defended herself suddenly before turning her back so that her oldest friend wouldn't see her face and know that she was lying and confused and feeling so horribly sad and alone.

If she had turned around she would have seen that the look on Alex's face told her that he had seen all of that and was now looking at her with that strange expression he reserved for her, that wasn't quite pity, wasn't quite empathy but an understanding that came when you knew that you didn't want to be alone anymore and that all you wanted was someone who understood that whatever happened your heart would beat for one person for a long time, even after death.


Next Chapter-Owen tells Meredith the truth about the night Megan disappeared. Meredith tells Maggie, Maggie tells Maya and Maya explodes telling her secrets, her lies and her soul to the entire hospital with far reaching consequences for everyone involved.

And there you go hope you enjoy this chapter and I look forwards to giving you the next one.