Hey guys! Looks like I just took everything in my mind and barfed it up on this page. This has to be the longest I have ever wrote and let me tell you my brain is totally gone. But anyway I hope you guys like it and that it adds up more along the story. I hope to do more tomorrow, but with this storm...can't really tell. Hope you guys are safe this week as you go about your normal lives. And like always read, leave a comment tell me what you think. I'm open to any ideas you guys might have. Have a great night!
~Lindsay
PS. I did not mean to pair me and Kendall together at all. It just happened.
James's pov
I was running with Kendall, Logan and Carlos in the snow that felt hot. I think Gustavo was chasing us with his piano playing notes over and over. But we were laughing. We didn't care. Along the way I would see others playing silly games. I saw Kelly and Lindsay on a swing set. Kelly was to scared to swing high, but Lindsay had her eyes closed swinging as high as she could.
Even with tears on her cheeks.
Kendall noticed her and waved us good-bye, but we didn't notice. Gustavo and his music was getting closer and we had to run faster. We past Mama Knight, Katie, Mason and Summer playing poker while floating in water. The Jennifers danced around in a circle, their perfect hair flying in the wind. The Waywards rocked out to Camille and Lucy in a beautiful mess. With Waylon on drums, Ammon on lead guitar, Zack on bass and Will leading them out on the mic.
Carlos and Logan left to join the girls in their own little mosh pit. But I kept running. I couldn't stop. The music twisted around me as I ran. Soon I was alone running in the snow away from the crashing sound that was supposed to be music. The sound kept changing. Sounding more and more familiar.
So familiar my heart was racing.
I wanted and didn't want to turn around. I didn't want my worst fear to be real.
"James..."
No.
"James you can't run."
But I was trying...I was trying. The warm snow began to freeze around me sending shivers up my spine. As the tempter dropped, so did my speed. Until I was frozen stiff alone in the snow. With him getting closer.
Him. My father.
I woke up with a start sweating in the early morning light. Checking the clock beside my bed, red numbers showed that it was only 6:30 in the morning. Carlos was still asleep on his side of the bed. I sighed, but I knew wasn't going back to sleep. Not to return to a dream like that. I shivered as if I was still frozen in that snow.
Coffee. That's what I needed.
I rolled out of bed as quietly as I could, trying my best to work around the kitchen without waking anyone up. I didn't want Kendall or Logan complaining about the noise. So while I waited on my cup of brew I turned on my ipod. Slipping on the headphones, the last song I played started up. Soon, I was softly singing along.
My ship went down, in a sea of sound.
When I woke up alone, I had everything.
A handful of moments I wish I could change,
I had a tun of moments that I wanted to change. I could remember all of them. How at the time I was happy with what I had and how everything was. If only such moments could stay like that.
And a tongue like a nightmare that cut like a blade.
In a city of fools, I was careful and cool,
But they tore me apart like a hurricane.
He took me to a place that told me what made me happy was wrong. It was wrong for a guy to wear pretty dresses. Wrong to want long hair. Everything I wanted was just wrong.
A hand full of moments I wish I could change,
I wish I never told him.
But I was carried away.
Now I couldn't tell anyone.
Give me therapy.
Years that my friends will never know about.
I'm a walking travesty,
Years of pills, hate and pain.
But I'm smiling at everything.
Years that they thought everything was fine.
Therapy, you were never a friend to me.
And you can keep all your misery.
I don't know if I could ever be free from that.
Salty tears mixed with my coffee as I tried to keep the memories at bay. I didn't want to remember today. I had to go sing with the guys and I knew Lindsay was going to be there. And if she is there she would be able to tell that the nightmares were coming back. That I was slowly falling apart.
Again.
Kendall's pov
I was suddenly scared about today when I woke up. Not because I still had a bad taste for the members of Wayward. Which I did because I still couldn't fully trust them. I wasn't worried about the song. Gustavo had just about ran us dead with it over and over again. No. My big fear had to be in that little woman dressed in black.
When we walked into the studio, there she was passing out treats. "Here," she said handing Carlos a box full of cookies. "Made them last night and I thought you guys would like some." She smiled at each of us, but sent a special look to James. One that made me almost hate my best friend. "The guys have been waiting on you guys. We made sure to get here early because, well..." Lindsay rolled her eyes and chuckled looking at her boys.
"No point in waiting any longer," Carlos belted, digging into the box of cookies. "Hey, did you bring any milk?"
"Chocolate or vanilla soy?"
I blinked. Once. Twice. "What the fuck is soy?"
Logan pulled me down to his level and started to whisper about how it's an alternate for the real stuff, but I don't think I was really paying attention to him. All I could see was how she was passing out more stuff to the guys. Laughing at their small talk and jumping in a few times to say something random or perverted. Like she was one of the guys and her guys didn't see anything wrong with it. But I wasn't paying attention to that.
Just her.
"Hey Kendall?" I blinked back noticing how close she was, trying to hid her slight blush. "Can you help me get more food? Gustavo helped me the other times, but I don't think he can last much longer." She pointed to the fat man and I could see what she meant. He watched her friends tiredly, wishing they would just sing and shut up instead of asking for more food. I nodded and ran with her to the elevator.
"So," my heart started racing. "What do the sharks want?"
Lindsay pulled down her sleeve a little to revile ink squiggles that she somehow saw as words. "Uh...five orders of cocks, two of them marinated in white stuff, then a bunch of burgers. Don't worry. I got money this time." She smiled at me and I couldn't help it.
I smiled back.
Logan's pov
I suddenly hated Lindsay. And I thought Jo and Lucy were bad enough. At least when he was interested in those two all we had to do was come here to do some hours of singing and dance warm-ups and they where never on his mind. Then, at least then, I could be the center of his world. Even if it was just for a little while.
But not now.
Lindsay had to be here for her band. She was their manager. She was trying to help make a profit and Kendall was trying to hit on her.
And damn if she didn't like it.
I really was starting to hate her.
Turning back to the guys, I tried to calm my breathing. The only one who noticed anything was Ammon. Hazel eyes watched the whole thing unfold before us and I knew what he was thinking. But I didn't want pity at that point. I felt enough of it when I came out to my mother. She said she would support me, but to her I was committing a horrible sin. One that was hard for her to take.
I had lost the love that I needed from her. So I never tried to come out to my friends no matter how much I wanted to. And when my crush on Kendall started, I knew I couldn't tell anyone then. He wouldn't be able to handle it and I couldn't let this ruin the best set of friends I've ever had. I couldn't lose any of this, but, as I've learn, watching someone you love love someone else kills almost everything you hold dear in your heart.
I ran to the bathroom as fast as I could shouting out that I had to piss. Behind closed doors I could finally tuck away the stupid tears and the stupid feelings. Pulling out my secret weapon of choice, I picked my spot to rid of my poison. The same place I've been doing it for years.
Taking the razor to the inner part of my leg, I slashed away. Just the way I felt on the inside I let it loose on the outside.
When you watch someone you love love someone else it kills almost everything you hold dear in your poor pitiful heart.
And Kendall Knight was slowly killing me.
