"Well, as much as I hate to admit it." Ms. Barch began. "You did a very nice job presenting, Kevin. Unlike some people." Ms. Barch glared at an unrepentant red-head. "And excellent work on your end of the project, Daria." Ms. Barch's facial expression went through a few contortions before she continued. "I'm going to give you both an A."
Kevin's exuberant cheer got him banished to the office.
"Good work on your project." Jane congratulated Daria as they sat waiting for gym to begin. "It looked like Ms. Barch was having her teeth pulled. I feel a little sorry for Upchuck though. Sure he deserved some of what he has coming to him, whatever it is, but I really didn't like the look in Ms. Barch's eye."
"I'm not sure we deserved an A." Daria wrote. "But I'm not going to turn it down."
Coach Morris finally emerged from her office with an unpleasant smirk on her face. "Alright, listen up people! Originally both the boys and girls wear going to be doing a little b-ball today; but thanks to a generous volunteer those plans have changed. Boy's, you're still doing basketball, the ladies however are going to get a lesson in self-defense today."
A figure waddled out of Coach Morris' office wearing an inflatable protection suit. Familiar with the suits herself, Daria thought this one looked a little under inflated. The figure was wearing an enclosing safety helmet that hid most of his features.
"And ladies," Coach Morris continued as the figure got into position on a mat, "make sure your thank Mr. Ruttheimer for generously volunteering to be our practice dummy today."
The mutterings from several of the girls sitting around Daria were both dark and vindictive. Daria found herself sincerely hoping that the hapless redhead was wearing a cup.
The next half-hour was unexpectedly brutal. Coach Morris started off with the cheerleaders, who seemed to bear a massive grudge against the boy. They quickly got into a game of one-upmanship were each girl try to do more damage to Charles before the Ms. Morris backed them off. Daria noticed very quickly that Charles was rolling with the hits and that his cries of pain were just a little too exaggerated to be real.
Finally, it was Daria's turn. Daria's written protests that she already had self-defense training fell on deaf ears. If anything Coach Morris seemed egger to have Daria show the 'class' how it was done. Daria sighed to herself and approached the mat. Many eyes widened when the mute girl slid into a martial arts stance.
Daria signed "apologies" to the boy and was faintly surprised to seem him nod and take a beginner's stance in an art Daria didn't immediately recognize. For the next five minutes Daria ran through an impromptu beginner's lessons in marital arts. Daria quickly discovered that she wouldn't be able to make the act completely harmless without blowing Charles' cover, but she managed to make a good show without breaking anything.
After being called off, Daria signed "see me after school" to Charles, who agreed with a nod.
"How much sign language do you know?" Daria asked with her hands when Charles approached her locker after then end of classes.
Charles smiled. "I'm not bad, as long as you go slowly."
"And why do you know sign language?"
Charles shrugged, "My favorite uncle is deaf. I thought it was rude not to be able to thank him for gifts personally."
"Fair enough."
"I want to thank you by the way," Charles mentioned. "You could have totally creamed me back there."
Daria shrugged herself. "I do not have anything personal against you really. Not enough to do more toss you around a couple of times. I am assuming it was Brittany's report on your science project that got you volunteered?"
Charles sighed. "Oh yes. That girl holds a grudge like nobody's business. That whole Upchuck thing got started when I accidentally got sick on her at her sixth birthday party."
"Then all the things she said?" Daria opened.
Charles made a so-so gesture. "It was a little mix of truth and exaggeration. Brittany's a one person game of Telephone. Every time she runs something through her head the story changes just a little."
"How much was true?" Daria asked.
Charles grimaced a little. "How honest do you want me to be?"
"Brutally. Start with the 'vintage porn' collection."
Charles winced. "I do own a vintage porn collection. It's my nest egg."
At Daria's puzzled expression Charles continued.
"Vintage porn is highly collectable and some of it is worth a lot of money." Charles explained. "If I liquidated the entire collection I could pay my way through the Ivy League college of my choice."
Daria whistled in surprise.
"Exactly," Charles continued. "Do you honestly believe I would let Brittany within ten feet of that much money? I don't know where she got the line about organizing it. Probably something my father told her."
"The maid outfit?"
"Totally my father." Charles said. "He is the way I act. Unfortunately, we bear a pretty strong resemblance."
"I am assuming trying to make her clean was your father too?"
Charles shrugged. "Actually I'm pretty sure Dad offered her a 'maid' outfit and she assumed he wanted her to clean."
"Oh, it was that kind of maid outfit." Daria signed.
Charles nodded. "She screamed she 'wasn't a servant' and ran off. It was a really hot outfit though." Charles said with a lecherous smile.
Daria paused a moment before continuing. "And hence today's volunteer session."
"I knew something was going to happen." Charles said. "Ms. Barch sees herself as an avenger for all women against the vileness of males. When she can't find a target, she creates one. That's why she paired me up with Brittany in the first place. She used the volunteer in gym thing before though. I slid on an extra sweatshirt and a cup before going to gym today. I'll have bruises on my bruises tomorrow, but no permanent harm."
"I noticed you rolling with the hits." Daria signed. "What style do you practice?"
"A little kempo." Charles replied. "Nothing special."
"Ever consider dropping the act?"
Charles shook his head. "And lose the one thing that makes life tolerable? Preemptively annoying people is about the only thing I have going. Besides, I tried to stop last year. Barch got so damn paranoid I paid a girl to let me cop a feel so Barch could catch me and chill out."
At Daria's expression Charles explained. "I'm not on a team, my Dad doesn't contribute any real money, and my academic record means beans at Lawndale. Li won't lift a finger to stop Barch as long as Li's teams and money aren't threatened."
"Ouch."
Charles nodded. "And hence the collection. If Dad doesn't pay for an out-of-state college I will. All I have to do is survive until graduation."
"That is good plan. I hope to succeed in it myself." Daria signed.
Charles nodded. "And speaking of plans . . . do you have any for this Friday night?"
Both of Daria's eyebrows hit her hairline. "Are you asking me out?"
"Of course my dear." Charles replied, dropping to one knee. "You are one of the loveliest girls in school; and one of the few to see though my mask. How could I not?"
"A little too thick, Charles." Daria warned with her hands.
Charles quickly returned to his feet. "Sorry, the drama got the best of me. So . . . ."
Daria pondered the question a long time before answering. "If Upchuck had asked the answer would not have been just 'no'; it would have been 'hell no'."
"But Charles?" The redhead asked.
"Under most circumstances," Daria began, "Charles does not tick off as many boxes in the 'undatable' column as Upchuck does."
"I'm hearing a 'but' there."
"But," Daria stressed with her hands, "I am sorry to say I am not dating at this time. If that ever changes, I will keep you in mind."
Charles sighed. "That's a better deal than most people have offered me lately. Thank you for your consideration."
Daria made a production of checking around. "You might want to consider trying 'Charles' on Jane." Daria signed using small gestures. "She has been complaining about her dateless state lately."
Charles laughed. "I'm not sure I want to ask out the one girl in the school I can't outrun. Thank you for suggesting it though."
"You are welcome."
