January seventh, the day before school resumed. Leni was laying in her bed with her hands covering her face even though it was only five in the evening. Knowing that she was going to go to bed and wake up to the fact that there school was that day made Leni want to be swallowed by the bed and disappear. Leni could hardly eat dinner the days leading up to school. She had lost a few pounds, but it didn't matter much to her, if anything, she felt better. Maybe some of the kids picking on her wouldn't focus on her weight anymore, and, maybe weighing less would make the burdens of life feel not so heavy on her. Once Leni took the medicine -now in the habit of only half of a pill so she woke up on time- it would be time to get ready for school.
It really was a shame she had no choice in whether or not she went to school. One time Leni spent an hour and a half getting scolded by her parents about ruining her future when she asked about dropping out. School was boring, a waste of seven hours, and Leni knew she wouldn't be going anywhere in life; when Leni thought of her future, she couldn't imagine herself being alive to even graduate high school. Her misery meant nothing to the parents (not that she explicitly stated her depression to them) who expected her to have perfect attendance; like Lori had. Leni was already failing all her classes so attendance shouldn't matter anyways.
The only reason they stopped scolding Leni that time was because Lori asked Leni if she even knew what dropping out meant. Of course Leni knew, but she played it dumb; her parents believed Leni's act that she didn't know what she meant about to drop out and just laughed it off and apologized for being so hard on her.
Carol asked Leni to try in school so that she could show the world Leni Loud wasn't the stupid blonde everyone, including her own parents, thought she was. Leni wasn't sure if she would bother trying, thinking was hard when your thoughts were full of negativity and logical thoughts were strewn about in your mind. Of everything that Carol asked of Leni this was the most challenging, not that the work was hard, just the workload gave her a sense if hopelessness; especially now that a major part of the curriculum this year was group work. When you were unaccepted in any of the groups -or your reputation set a precedent and the teachers just gave you a zero the same day the project was assigned- there was no way to get credit for any assignments. Carol just didn't know that literally everyone in the school against her.
Leni let out a groan to the empty room. Carol was another worry added to Leni's list. With each passing day, Leni was growing more sure she viewed Carol as more than a friend, more than a best friend. It was sickening, liking that girl was near the top of the most horrible things that Leni could do. Carol was Leni's best friend and had a boyfriend; Carol valued them both a lot. What if Leni stepped in between the two for her own personal gain, and it turned out Carol didn't feel the same feelings? Leni had seen enough T.V. shows where the feelings between characters were not shared and they never spoke again. Besides, Leni viewed herself as unstable; broken; beaten; used and abused in the most horrible, dark, and disgusting ways. Before she could truly love anyone else she would have to learn to love herself; as if that would happen any time soon.
Plus the kids at school would always use liking someone of the same gender as an insult. The other siblings each liked the opposite sex -excluding Luna- and admitting to it would set Leni different. There were several examples of where being different had bad repercussions in this house. Just ask Lincoln how being born a boy affected him. The reasons Leni couldn't find happiness were stacking up on her again.
Leni was unable to find the energy to bring herself to get out of bed to go ask for guidance from Luna herself. She was the girl who had added the fuel to and ignited these burning thoughts in Leni's mind. Leni covered her head with a pillow to soak up the stray tears that were sliding down her face. What if Leni was meant to be alone her whole life? She sure felt like it. Her body had already been ruined, there was no way anyone would want damaged goods. That's why the customer service return-center at the mall always had unhappy customers there. She cried, sniffling silently, not wanting any sobs to escape. Any peace of mind would be welcome right about now. Leni removed the pillow long enough for her to grab her phone and ask Luna to come up to her room for a moment before smothering herself once more to hide the tears.
Luna had made it clear that Leni had greatly helped her in when she was in need of relationship advice. It was pitiful she couldn't help herself. A minute passed before Luna peeked into the room.
"You called dude?" Luna asked. Leni made no move to signal she had heard her younger sister. Luna came closer. "Leni? Are you alright?"
"I like, have to ask you something…" Leni said. Luna sat on the edge of the bed and put a hand on Leni's shoulder. Leni's voice was softer than Luna was usually used to. "If I like somebody who has a boyfriend, what do I do?"
Though Leni had her head under the pillow she could tell Luna was shocked, but she didn't understand why until Luna spoke up.
"Don't you already have a…" Luna took a moment to see if there was anyone listening in. "Girlfriend? The girl in the car?"
Leni supposed that was what she had implied that one time.
"I lied, to help you with your problem. Now I like, don't know how to help myself…" Leni said.
"First of all, get this pillow off your face so I can actually hear you. I won't talk if you keep hiding..." Luna tried to move Leni's hand to remove the pillow but the fashion designer was stronger than she looked.
"I look totes ugly right now… Can you like, help me or not?"
"Do you actually like girls or did you say that just to make me feel good about myself?"
"I don't know. I haven't felt this way towards anyone before. I don't know why I feel like this. How do I make her like me?" Leni hoped Luna didn't get mad at her for the lie.
A few moments passed and Leni thought Luna left after being disappointed by Leni's betrayal. When she peeked out from under her pillow it was yanked from her hand and thrown across the room. Luna was scrutinizing her.
"It's not like you to be this sad, or even cry." Luna said, at which Leni scoffed internally. Luna didn't know how much of a crybaby she really was. "If she doesn't like you then you just gotta go with the flow dude. Tell me her name and I'll do some investigating."
Leni took a moment to comprehend the consequences of accepting Luna's help and decided the risk was too high. Luna finds out it's Carol and runs to Lori or Carol get's Luna to help her 'fix' Leni, then Luna after finding out about everything runs straight to their parents.
"I like can't tell you… not yet at least." Leni said. When Luna opened her mouth Leni expected her to beg for the name but was wrong.
"Why do think you like her?" Luna asked.
Just what Leni wanted; more thinking.
"Well, uh… She's like, totes nice to me. And worries about me even when she shouldn't." Leni paused a moment. It was deeper than just that; Carol was the reason Leni chose to stay in this world rather than opening her veins in the bath; Carol was something to look forward too. "I like... can't imagine going on without her…"
"Now I don't like being too soft but if that's how you feel then you shouldn't care who she is. You can either lay in here and sulk about it or you can let me help you out." Luna spoke sternly.
Even though Leni wasn't convinced it'd be a good idea, she was tired of sulking all the time. Luna was smarter and more charismatic than Leni. If Leni was able figure out if she were to remain on the sidelines or on the field, then that would help her make some big decision relating to the future. Best-friends never lasted forever, soon Carol would grow weary of Leni and move on. At least if they were 'together' then Leni would know their relationship wasn't shallow enough to dry up too quickly once Carol left to college.
"Promise you won't say anything to anything." Leni asked.
"Alright."
"And you won't overreact."
"I promise"
"Or get mad"
"Get on with it Leni!"
"Carol," Leni said. She waited for a horrible reaction that never came.
"What's the last name dude? The only three Carol's at the school I've heard of are Carol Swetts, Carol Marks and Carol Schofield" Luna didn't say Pingrey for some reason - there was no way Luna never heard of her before. "Swetts seems cute doesn't she? Though, I'm not into redhead much."
Leni shook her head and Luna looked at her confusedly.
"Oh, does she not go to our school or something? Who is she dude?" Luna seemed to be growing impatient.
"Carol Pingrey"
"Jesus Christ mate!" Luna instantly shot up and paced around the the room, muttering in a british accent. That's the reaction Leni was expecting, though she didn't like it. "Oh no, no, no, out of all the girls it just had to be that one. The one you can't have is the one you want."
Luna walked over to the window and threw it open, the cold wind blasting the room - fitting for the set mood. She stood there and took deep breaths as the wind gently tousled her hair. With taking her eyes off the night skg she spoke in a soft tone.
"Leni, For years, it was my dream to be-"
Luna was interrupted by the abrupt opening of the door. It was Lynn, after hearing Luna's outburst, was ready to set the Sister Fight Protocol in action. Luna sent Lynn a glare that made her spine shiver for interrupting the moment. The young athlete backed out of the room.
"Anyways, I always dreamed of being a rockstar with millions of fans cheering me on. After a long show, Sam would be there to praise me with a kiss. Then we'd go home and jam out together. Live happy." She looked at Leni. "It means nothing now dude. Lori's gonna kill us now. You for being crushing on her and me for knowing about it."
The saddest part of it was Luna wasn't exaggerating. Lori always took her stupid competition with Carol to far and to be honest, it was making Leni mad, the things Lori said about her friend; the way Lori dictated how they were to act towards her. There was still no chance for her to stand against Lori though. If Lori wasn't smart enough to take Leni down then she'd just be mean to her. All the siblings would take Lori's side if it came to a match between the two siblings. Retreat was the best option.
"Oh Luna, You know I always make dumb choices, I'll forget about it in the morning." Leni tried to keep her voice straight but it broke near the end.
Luna was only reminding her what was at risk and it wasn't helping her much. It was only increasing the sick feeling of bile rising in her stomach. Hopefully the bathroom was open because Leni was going to need it, soon. Luna sighed in defeat.
"I don't know how we're going to do it but i'm already in too deep just knowing, and beside, we're family. We're playing with fire dude with this. Just remember that next time I ask you to hook me up with a favor."
Leni nodded; the joke was on Luna because Leni would help her regardless if Leni had gained anything or not (rather than receiving and giving like she wanted to live previously, Leni was starting to focus more on the giving part).
"First of all Leni, you gotta understand that if, no, when this ship goes down in flames, I'll still support you as long as I'm not going down too alright?" Luna asked. Leni nodded, she'd never ask Luna to put herself in front of Lori's warpath.
"Since she's already your best friend, find out the type of people she likes to date. Then, if she doesn't explicitly say only boys, then you have to be the better boyfriend." Luna was looking at Leni with determination, looking for resolve in her older sister's face. All that was found was confusion.
"But like, I'm pretty sure I'm a girl, right?" Leni understood Luna meant it as some kind of metaphor, but her idiotic remarks always served as a buffer zone between conversations that were too serious and excuses for a way out of those conversation.
Luna face palmed. "No, I meant it figuratively dude, just be better at whatever her boyfriend does."
So basically the whole plan was the exact same thing Carol told Leni to do to Lori; be better than her. Leni didn't want to be a better somebody, she wanted to be a better Leni. It was a shame she couldn't think of any plans on her own; until then she would have to rely on others.
"So how? Like, lay on top of her and kiss her and tickle her?" That's the only thing Leni saw Carol and Bryan doing. Were her kissing skills good enough?
"God Leni, no!" Luna was getting exasperated again. "You're trying to go for the kill mate; you've got to play it slow, unless she happens to feel the same way then go for it. Maybe drop a few hints you might be interested in her."
That made sense to Leni. The queasy feeling in her chest was going way. In the end, it was just another act for Leni to play, something she was good at.
"But Leni, more importantly, who else know's Carol is your friend?" Luna asked. Leni could almost smile at the reaction Luna was about to give.
"Only three people. You... Her boyfriend Bryan…"
Luna nodded, unexpecting the next words that were to come out Leni's mouth. Luna opened her mouth to say something but Leni beat her to it.
"And Bobby Santiago."
"Fuck." Luna couldn't help the word slip. If things were going to be bad before, now they would be a thousand times worse.
"And I might've convinced him to lie to Lori. Twice." Leni said. Luna visibly cringed
"Shush! Just stop talking for a minute!" Luna shouted.
Luna then crawled on the foot of Leni's bed and curled up with her arms around her stomach. She looked about ready to cry. She kept repeating 'Oh, God' over and over, as if it was all her brain functions allowed. Leni scootched closer and held her in an awkward hug.
"It's totes ok, you can forget about it now I like, know what to do." Leni said. She would rather work through this on her own, but Luna shook her head no.
"I've already said I was in too deep man, we just gotta carry on our wayward sons now. Bobby will get it the worst at least" Luna said even though she still traumatized from their possible fate from the hands of Lori. A sibling meeting would be called to increase the sibling fight scale several levels above erupting volcano in order to measure Lori's hypothetical rage. Speaking off…
"What's going on in here?" Lori asked as she entered the scene. "Did I just hear Bobby's name?"
The two girls froze. Luna was the first to respond. It was the moment of truth. "Leni likes a boy."
Lori's eyes lit up like it was Christmas again. "Ooh, what's his name? Is he hot? What grade? What car does he drive? Does he have an accent?"
Of all the people in the house, Leni didn't want to talk to Lori the most; One slip and it was over for them.
"His name is Carl…" Luna started.
"Grey.. pin…" Leni continued, yeah, they were already starting to slip.
"Horn. Carl Greypinhorn is his name. Cutest guy ever." Luna finished.
"Yeah," Leni said. "He's like germandish or something."
"German." Luna corrected. "He just transferred."
Lori seemed to buy the blatant lie. Leni had no doubt this was going to turn into a long conversation about Lori and Bobby and how Leni should act like them.
"That reminds me, Carol has another boyfriend, some man named Bryan. Bobby told me a couple days ago. She literally goes through them like water." Lori said. Leni didn't like the implications Lori was making about Carol; 'whore' was one of the things Leni liked to be called least. It didn't have to be straight up said for Leni to understand what her sister meant.
'Stand up to her' Carol's words echoed in Leni's mind. 'Just one good time'
Leni sighed internally. Luna's eyes darted back and forth between the two nervously.
"Maybe she like, really likes that guy this time." Leni threw in a shrug to make the remark seem less serious than it was.
Lori paused for a second, not sure if he ears were working right. When she assumed they were, she looked annoyed.
"You're literally too naive to understand this. If you were smarter, you'd know that she's incapable of love another human. She just likes sleeping around. All her friends are actually fakes, she doesn't like them and they don't like her." Lori said. Leni remained calm but Luna was sweating profusely. "Carol's a mean person. Once this 'Bryan' fellow is aware of all the dirt I have on her, he won't be able to break up with her fast enough."
It was hypocritical of Leni not wanting Lori to do that when in order for Leni to have what she wanted, Carol would have to leave Bryan anyways. Leni just didn't want it done through these horrible means.
'You wouldn't do that. It's totes mean." Leni said. Lori just rolled her eyes.
"You literally don't know much about anything really Leni. If someone is mean to you have to be mean back. It's going to be a while before Carol is payed back" Lori said. "And besides, you know she'll literally try to make it seem like mine and Bobby's relationship is worse than theirs. You just might understand if you ever happen to find love."
Leni didn't like the way Lori talked to her - and now that she was there to witness it, Luna wasn't liking it either - but it only proves the point Leni was no match for Lori.
"Anyways, about this Carl guy, if you really like him, you have to be forward about it, literally, when Bobby and I met..."
Leni knew it was going to happen. This conversation about Lori and Bobby continued until they were forced to get to bed. Leni wasn't paying attention, Lori could go on for years about her relationship. Leni was brooding over the shade Lori was throwing at her (albeit unknowingly) the whole time. It took all of Leni's self control not to dig her fabric knife out of her kit and jam it through her own temple to get this over with.
Lori, Leni swore, was going to be the reason she would be pushed over the edge next time.
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLINEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE BBBBBBBBBBBBBREAAAAAAAAAA
Carol had just gotten out of English and was ready for lunch to start and then be over; one step closer to the end of the day. The first day after a school break was always the most tiring. She turned away from her locker after just putting her things away and closing the door. A young brunette was standing there, her style vaguely familiar in Carol's memory.
"Good day love," The girl said in a faux accent. Carol didn't like it when these nobodies came up to her (especially when they were in a lower grade) and tried talking to her like they were just as important as she was. Her other friends were waiting on her.
"I've got better things to do than talk to a punk loser like you." Carol said as she turned to leave. That was the same line that scared so many other people away before; this time would be no different.
"Bloody hell, I can't see what Leni sees in you." The girl responded.
Carol stopped. She would rarely talk to Leni at the school so how did this girl know something? Was the brunette suspecting something going on between them? Deciding aggression would be the best option, Carol kept her face calm.
"Look, I don't who you are, or who Leni is, but it's best you stay away from me unless you want to spend the rest of your life cleaning these damn floors." Carol hoped this was enough to dissuade the girl from further interaction; it's not like Carol completely enjoyed making people miserable, she was ust always in a mood of annoyance. To her dismay the girl just she her head and chuckled.
"I'm Luna, Leni's sister. She told me everything that's been going on."
Carol remembered Leni pointing the girl out to her once. If Leni had finally opened up to one of her family she was either getting better or getting worse.
"Well then, please excuse my behavior. What was it Leni told you?" Carol asked. She didn't really regret talking to her like that though.
"She told me you're her best friend. Out of all of Leni's friends, she chose the one Lori doesn't like as her favorite. It an honor dude, don't lose it." Luna said.
Carol nodded suspiciously. If Leni didn't trust this girl enough to tell them that Carol was her only friend, then maybe Carol shouldn't trust her either.
"I need to get going. Later." She turned to go again but was once again stopped by Luna.
"One time Leni told me you were her girl to make me feel better about myself." Luna eyes tried piercing the older girl, but Carol didn't break character; she only smiled and raised a brow.
"Leni, told her she and I, Carol Pingrey, was dating?" Carol asked. She sometimes imagined Leni saying something like:
'Yeah, me and Carol are like, dating. Carol's totes the hottest girl ever. '
Carol understood that was a narcissistic overstatement, but the confirmation that Leni had said that before made Carol's face heat up. A quick look around the mostly empty halls told her no one noticed; except the brunette standing before her.
"She came out to me," Luna took a short, but noticeable pause. "That you guys are not really together and she made the whole thing up when I came out to her."
Carol nodded. So Luna liked girls, then that certainly meant Leni didn't; two in the same household? Unlikely, but then again Carol didn't know any statistics about the subject. Having something in common gave the girl more points in Carol's book.
"You don't have problem with it right? Me liking girls?" Luna asked.
Why was Luna studying her like that? It was just like what Carol did to Leni. Carol smiled, this was a game she was best at.
"It's twenty-seventeen sweetie, not everyone around here is ignorant." Carol said. "Unless your working with Lori, trying to get me to say I hate gays so she could hurt my reputation."
Luna shook her head, unfazed by Carol's assumptions. "Nah bruh, You mean to much to Leni. Just making sure you wouldn't be mean to her if certain… things came to light."
"You mean Leni…" Carol looked around again before whispering. "Likes girls?"
There were a lot of weird implications being put out in this conversation, Carol figured it'd be best to start getting direct. Luna looked uncaring and shrugged while examining her fingernails.
"I don't know. Leni is Leni. She likes everyone, especially her friends." Luna looked up from her fingers to look Carol right in the eyes. "Some more than others."
"So you're saying Leni likes me more than a friend?" Carol was starting to get a migraine with this girl's contradictory statements.
Luna shook her head. "I didn't say that, you did."
"So I'm not more than just a friend?" Each word out of Carols mouth was a risk. Such discussions shouldn't be out in a public place like this where any of the many students hoping to dethrone her could be hiding around a corner. Luna shook her head again with an exaggerated frown on her face.
"I don't know. Leni is Leni. She just likes some more than others. You can't know if someone likes you unless you see how far they are willing to go, or how far you are willing... Catch my drift?"
Carol was sure that this girl somehow figured out her secret. She took in a deep breath to keep herself calm.
"How'd you figure me out so fast?" She asked, rather than getting defensive Carol could use it as a learning experience to better her act.
"You gave Leni a gold, heart-shaped locket with a picture of you two, I opened the one moment she took it off. I looked up that kinda piece and it's a pretty good price... If you're lookin' to stay in the closet, then you gotta know when to pack up and head home." Luna said. The brunette then put a hand on Carol's should, something nobody at this school would have dared to do. "You've got a lot to learn dude. She likes you. You like her. Don't break her heart mate… or else"
"Well then, good to know that I'm her favorite friend of all. I gotta go, my 'boyfriend' is waiting." Carol gave her a wink and a brief wave over her shoulder as she walked away. That girl was a double-edged sword; on one hand she saw through Carol's walls and prodded her secret; Carol hated letting her personal life out. Carol never let anyone besides Leni see part of the real her. On the other hand she more or less handed Leni to her on a silver platter, with a bit more experience that girl could wrap people around her fingers just as Carol does.
Carol wasn't stupid enough to not take in the conversation and use it in her plans on what to do. Leni could be the one that Carol held in her arms. No more waiting; tonight would be the night Leni would be hers. Bryan would be dealt with at a later date. Carol couldn't help the stupid smile spreading across her face. When she approached her usual table and her friends inquired about her unusually happy expression, she could only shake her head.
If Luna wasn't a double agent for Lori, then today just might be the best day of her life.
LINNE BREAKKUU MANNEEE HEHEHEHEHEHHE
She had done it. She had stood face to face with the legendary Carol Pingrey and lived to tell the tale. That's not to say she wasn't on the edge of a nervous breakdown the whole time. This was the young woman that Lori has been waging war on for years. The one people aimed to avoid getting on bad terms with. Luna had caught glimpses of her from time to time in the hall but never took her in.
The girl she was faced with had an aura of power about her. The student council leader was calm, united, collected, most of all intimidating. Leni had heard tales from people - not just Lori - about how Carol would deal with people who did things she didn't like. Luna could tell she had almost been one of those people if she didn't say she was Leni's. Who knew how much brutality was behind that calm mask of hers?
Luna turned the corner as she parted ways with Carol and nearly bumped into Leni.
"So like, what do you think? Do I stand a chance?" Leni asked as she briskly followed her sister.
The plan was for Luna to go in and inconspicuously ask a few questions to see if it was possible that Carol may show even a little interest in girls. Once that was figured out she and Leni would reconvene and figure out the next steps in the plan. Luna let her fear get the better of her, like Carol had the ability to get what she wanted out of people when she wanted.
"I might have basically told her you like her." Luna said. She wanted to get to the cafeteria as fast as she could. "She wasn't mad though. I sent her mixed signals. You definitely stand a chance."
"At least you didn't like, tell her specifically. There always has to be an escape plan." Leni said.
"Yeah, about that…"
Leni's phone buzzed and she pulled it out to see a message from Carol.
"She wants to get coffee tonight." Leni said. "What do I do?"
"After what I told her, that means she's definitely into you if she's still lookin' to go out. Make a move, or don't. It's your choice dude." Luna said.
"What about her boyfriend?" Leni asked her. Luna shrugged her shoulders.
'I've seen enough of Carol to know that whatever they have, isn't genuine unless I'm seeing her wrong. Just remember that if I'm wrong, I'm not a psychologist dude." Luna answered. If she were wrong about Carol and her feelings, then she'd be damned. Luna didn't believe she was though.
Luna saw herself in that young woman, the Luna that existed before Leni gave her the courage to ask out Sam. Luna wouldn't put Leni's kind heart up to risk like that if she knew Leni didn't stand some kind of chance. If in the end it turned out to be a one night stand or a lifelong thing, that was up the them. Luna would always stand by Leni but anything with the name Carol in it she wanted to step back from. The obvious choice was to tell Carol ambiguously, but low-key obviously, so they could sort the rest out themselves. In the end she told her directly, and it turned out to be the right choice.
When they reached the doors to the cafeteria Luna turned to see Leni had already disappeared, not giving Luna a chance to ask her to sit with herself and Sam so they could discuss the next course of action. She had no idea where Leni went, but shrugged it off.
Whatever Leni did on her free time, was none of Luna's business.
ZZZXXXXZXZFFADFSDF
Carol couldn't help but casting several glances at Leni through the rearview mirror the whole ride. There was a whole slew of things that unnerved Carol. They were going out on a Monday rather than a Friday. Carol told her friends she was going out with Bryan. She told Bryan she had important Student Council planning to get done (which she did indeed have to finish, she just wasn't doing it now). What she was really doing was taking Leni out and acting on the advice Luna had given her; seeing how far she could take things and how far Leni was willing to go.
'Coffee Bistro', the place they had been to weeks ago. Carol came here more and more often - it was a nice place where she could get some alone time.
Carol ordered her usual, and just like last time, Leni ordered the same as her. They sat in the same seat, in the far corner that was blocked from view almost everywhere else in the café. Carol was thankful for the separating walls in between each little booth so that nobody could see the things that may or may not happen. Leni and Carol took seats on opposite side of the bench that wrapped around three sides of the table like the letter 'c'.
"So Leni. How do you like the book so far?" Carol asked. She propped her head up on one hand.
"I'm at the part where he meets the lost guy with the robes on the trail." Leni answered. Carol cracked a smile.
"Leni, when you stayed over, you were on chapter three. He meets the priest in chapter five..." Carol said. Leni nodded. "So you've only read two chapters? Remember, February twelfth, the movie. What do you think so far?"
Leni gave a quick smile.
"When he was like, talking to the priest guy, and say, like, all the bad things he thinks, I could see where you thought he was like me." Leni said.
Carol knew the part Leni was describing. Once the King met the priest, he confided his wrong doings and miseries to him in an attempt to be save from them. In order to stop the warrior king from ending his own life, the priest persuades him to travel the lands until he can find someone worthy of defeating him, or happiness.
"Though the events of the past were long since gone, each mistake, each regret, each helpless failure - just as scars mark my body, these thoughts deform my mind and ravine any sanity with the indestructible depressions they wrought." Leni quoted. Carol was surprised Leni actually remembered it (if she were being honest with herself, she assumed Leni would just skim over the whole book). "Hits like, totes close to home, I couldn't stop thinking about it."
Carol scooched over until she was on the middle side of the table that previously separated her and Leni.
"It's alright, Leni. We'll go on adventures across the lands to find your happiness. But today, I'm not going to force you to talk about it, or anything you don't want to.." Carol consoled, but Leni didn't seem to convinced, or even sad really, but rather heavy in thought.
Their drinks came and Carol took a sip; thoughts of Leni were keeping her too preoccupied to focus on her it; Leni was acting the same way, hugging her arms.
"It's cold in here right Leni?" Carol asked. She was hoping Leni would let her move closer without it being too weird.
"Yeah it's like, freezing." Leni said. She took a moment to formulate her thoughts but Carol watched the younger girl end up flustering herself "Maybe we should like… uh you know… like, sit closer to like, you known like, warm up."
Exactly what Carol wanted to hear. She patted the space beside her and Leni moved closer. Carol closed the space between them until they were touching, Carol's right arm to Leni's left.
"You know I met your sister Luna earlier. She told me some pretty… interesting, things about you." Carol said. "You know anything about it?"
Leni's arm twitched several times against Carol's. Carol wrapped her arm around Leni's and the twitching turned into a slight shiver.
"Is it so cold you can't even talk?" Carol asked. She was about to take another shot, so far Leni didn't care their arms were intertwined. Carol rested her head on Leni's shoulder. "We have to keep each other warm Leni. It's what friends do."
Leni chuckled nervously. "Isn't this like, wrong? I haven't had a friend before but isn't this stuff boyfriends do? "
"So, Leni, know what Luna told me?" Carol ignored Leni's remarks.
"No?" Leni meant it as a question but it came out as more of a question.
"She said you liked me more than a friend. You even said I was your girlfriend to make her feel better... Not that I mind." As the words came out her mouth, Carol pulled in Leni closer and closer with each sentence.
"You could do anything to me you know, and I wouldn't even care." Carol continued as her voice got lower. She tilted her head so that her mouth was close to Leni's ear and whispered seductively. "Anything you want..."
Carol felt Leni's free hand touch her neck, send electricity through her body. Unexpectedly, Leni's lips pressed against hers. It was transient, just a peck so quickly that Carol couldn't register how soft Leni's lips were. One thing it sure did was set Carol's body on fire, she couldn't bring herself to move as her mind reeled from what she just experienced.
"I'm sorry, so, so sorry…" Leni said frantically as she got up and left. Carol tried to grab her but missed. Her voice refused to work and limbs felt like lead. Leave it to Leni to send her spinning out of control like this. She shook her head and chased Leni outside.
Carol was going to be furious if Luna had lied to her and Leni didn't actually like her. Carol was going to rip that damned brunette to pieces when she got her hands one her; right now though she had to catch up with Leni. Luckily she wasn't that far away, leaning against the brick exterior of the building next door. Carol was alarmed at the girl's appearance. Leni had one hand propping herself against the building and the other clench in a fist above her heart. Her skin was almost as white as the snow on the ground and her breathing laboured.
"Oh fuck Leni, are you alright?" Carol asked. A few times Leni's breathing hitched and Carol thought she was going to stop breathing all together. She hugged the girl from behind in an attempt to give comfort her hands clasped in front of Leni's chest . "It was just a stupid fucking mistake I made alright? Let's forget it! We can still be friends right?"
Carol's stupid heart wouldn't stop pounding against her stupid rib cage. It was all that brunette's fault, which meant it was Lori's fault. They would need to start praying to every god in hopes that they'd ever be able to show their faces in public again.
"Your sister managed to trick me. Trick us. If you felt uncomfortable I'm sorry." Carol didn't like the feeling that was coming up through her eyes. Leni put her hands on Carol's.
"It like wasn't a mistake. You have a boyfriend. What about him? If this gets out, what about you?" Leni said. Her breathing calmed down, which Carol was glad about. "You think you like me Caroll, but like, I ruin everything good. I'm not innocent and pure like you think."
"I don't care what you are. I can still pretend to date Bryan in public and we'll be together in secret." Carol answered. Leni turned around in Carol's arms. Carol saw that Leni was about to cry, but instead of letting the tears fall Leni just shook her head.
"You don't understand. There's people who would do anything to see me miserable. Do you know what they'd do to me if the saw me happy?" Leni said. It was always about the damned kids at school.
"Tell me who they are and I'll put an end to them for good." Carol meant it. If it meant She and Leni could hook up, she would do anything. "Dad has invested so much money in the school he basically owns it. All I need to do is say the word and he'll be on the next flight home."
Leni shook her head again.
"They like, know things. Have things against me. I'd kill myself f-"
"Shut up Leni! You don't like when I say mean things, I don't like when you say that." Carol snarled. Leni straightened up at Carol aggressive tone. "If you think I'm not strong enough to protect you then obviously we weren't as good of friends as I thought."
"It's not just that… you shouldn't like, ever love someone who refuses to love themselves unless you want tragedy. I just keep getting selfish and then things like this happen." Leni said. When Carol first picked up Leni right after school she wasn't expecting the girl to make her feel this sad.
"There's no shame in needing someone Leni. Even if you don't like yourself, I do." Carol rested her forehead against Leni's. "If you haven't noticed by now, I really, really, really like you Leni. God, I've wanted to say it for so long."
Leni's eye softened as she was gradually convinced by Carol.
"There's a shorter way to say that silly…" Leni said.
"And how is that?"
"I love you."
And just like that, Carol's insides were on fire again.
"If I say you can do anything to me again can I get a real kiss this time?" Carol asked. Leni wasted no time touching her lips to Carol's lips but this time, it lasted for more than half a second.
"If you want more than that then like, you have to accept I have secrets I want to keep that way…" Leni said when they pulled apart.
"Fine, but you still have to open up to me sometime. And in return you have to make me more clothes alright?"
Leni nodded. It was then that she realized the the cold and snow gathering on them.
"Let's like, go in before our drinks get cold like us. We can can take a sip, and then share the flavor by kissing." Leni suggested. Carol smiled at the idea.
"Maybe we can get more flavors to mix and match." Carol added.
"You're totes smart!" Leni said. Carol could not help but think of how cute she was. They went back in and ordered several different types of drinks to play their new game.
They ended up staying up out way past Leni's school-night curfew, earning her a nice scolding from her parents; but Leni was only half listening due to the fact that she was both excited and scared at the prospect of a relationship. For the first time in a while, maybe her life wouldn't end in highschool. This feeling of hope was something that Leni had grown to miss, and now that she had it once more, she never wanted to lose it again.
Carol was laying in her bed, so happy that Leni was in her's now. She would have to wait a while, then break up with Bryan. Carol was worried that she would wake up and everything would have been a dream. Her jacket was unzipped, leaving her chest bare except for her bra. One of her arms was draped over her eyes and her free hand traced circles around her belly button, slowly going further down. The memory of Leni's lips on hers was still fresh in her mind... the kissing game they played… Carol's cold fingers slipped just past the hem of her panties. She licked her lips in anticipation, but ultimately stopped before she could have entertained herself. Carol decided this time she could wait for Leni, if the girl was ever ready. Maybe for Carol's birthday Leni would let her; She'd have to wait until February twelfth to find out.
In the end, each girl was happy with the current state of their relationship. The next time Leni came over to her house, they'd work out the details of their relationship. They both knew it was a very long road ahead; neither knew however, that in breaking Leni's rule she told to Carol, those words would eventually hold truth: 'Never date someone who refuses to love themself, it will always ends in tragedy.'
