(I understand this is terribly noobish of me to ask, but I do have other fanfics that are in dire need of attention and it'd be cool if people checked them out. I'm not going to do the 'R&R plz' crap, I'm fine with just getting hits... knowing that people actually look at what I post is enough motive for me to continue doing what I'm doing (if you want to comment on it, more power to you), and the more tangible motive I have, the more likely it is that I actually create new content.
In short, read NSX, it's not just Kingdom-Hearts-inspiration #2564346, at least I think tha-)
ANYWAYS!!!
Ch-chank.
Ch-chunk.
Ch-chank.
Kiev sat with his arms slumped across his lap, his eyes slowly lolling from one side to the other as a train hurtled by on the track fifty feet away. He wheezed again, leaning back. He was seated on one of the few remaining benches in front of Helle's train station. He stood up, not taking much notice as the bench collapsed into debris behind him. Kiev stuck his hands in his pockets as he walked up to the station platform, kicking along an empty pop can. Totokeke sat inside, dressed in a blue operator's outfit that obviously hadn't been washed for decades. Totokeke had his feet up on the ticket counter, continuing to tune his guitar as Kiev strode up.
"As much as I encourage bums of your breed to contribute to society," Kiev mumbled. "Couldn't Nook find anyone more qualified to run the ticket booth?"
"Well, y'see..." Totokeke strummed the strings softly, causing a different one to snap apart and lash Kiev straight down the face. "...er, I know that you were shocked to learn that the Anima train system started service again in your absence, but when Porter heard that the railways were gettin' shut down three years ago for an indeterminate period of time, he gave us all a solid nod and told us that he'd had some things he needed to do."
Kiev rubbed the growing welt between his eyes. "You mean the old ticketmaster, yeah? What did he have to do?"
Totokeke half-shrugged, tying another guitar string into place. "Wha, I don't read minds son, I wasn't even hanging around Helle when he supposedly took his leave. He did say he was leavin' his baggage behind, whatever that weirdo meant. Say, what time do you got there..."
"5 PM."
"Ah, right. I'd better get to doin' my sweeping, or pickin' up debris, or fixing whatever needs to be unscuttled around here... keep talking, I'm just gonna go grab a broom, but I wanna know how you and that Rover fellow have been biding your time." Totokeke pushed himself back forward, resting his guitar on the counter as he turned and waded through knee-deep junk food wrappers to a closet in the back corner of the cashier room.
"Oh not much. Yesterday morning I found him in the kitchen writhing around on the floor, saying some weird crap like the end of Helle is coming and we have to do something, but so far we've managed to save Helle from everything including 3 years of my own negligence, so I have no idea what could be happening."
"Meh, I always thought he was a little odd, even if he knows how to keep a cool head, but he's not used to being cooped up in one place for so long. Y'know, I used to ride the rails, and Rover'd always be riding this way and that, always striking up conversation with whoever he'd be sitting with. I mean conversation in the broadest sense, it didn't matter where he was going or who he came across, he could chat up a storm with his passengers even if he didn't know them. It was a little disturbing, actually."
As a train continued on to its destination, Rover bobbed back and forth in his seat, staring up at the woman sitting in front of him with a wide smile. From her stature she would have had to be at least 8 feet tall, wearing a black leather jacket with the sleeves torn off that exposed her tattoed arms, bristling with muscle.
Rover nodded. "Hi."
"...hi." the woman mumbled.
"Do you mind if I sit here?" Rover said eagerly. "I promise I won't fall asleep, tumble onto you, and start drooling on your shirt!"
She glared daggers at him.
"Uh, okay..." Rover hopped up onto the leather seat facing her, tossing his suitcase to his side. "Say, by the way, what's your name?"
"Helga."
"Well that's neat. Not that my opinion matters much. What matters is, do YOU like the name Helga?"
"It's my gang name. It is a testament to how badass I am."
"Oh!" Rover nodded fervently. "You must be a boy!"
As the train slowed down at the next stop, two people could be seen carrying Rover's destroyed body out on a stretcher.
"...really." Kiev rested his arms on his side of the ticket counter. "Well, other than that... I haven't been up to much myself... been leveling my warlock. Soon I think I'll be powerful enough to go to Anigrad."
"Oh really. How's that going for you?"
An washing-machine-sized ball of flame plummeted out of the sky elsewhere, sending Hornsby's flower garden up in an earthshaking explosion.
"Well that's good." Totokeke latched onto the closet door handle, twisting it. It didn't budge. He planted both hands on it, jerking it to the side as hard as he could. Totokeke stumbled back and fell down as the door flew open, and the mostly-decayed corpse of a monkey in his operator outfit tumbled out with a dull plop, with a rope tied firmly around its neck. "Whoo-ee! I wondered why it smelled like something died in here! When Porter said he was leaving behind some things he could've at least taken this with him!"
Kiev's eye twitched as he stared down at the name tag on the uniform. "Oh, he left some baggage behind, alright."
Helle
Chapter 7: It's Like the End, But It's Not (in which you get to da choppa, RUN, GO, GET TO DA CHOPPA)
Kiev jogged back down the forest paths, eventually coming up to his house. Wheezing he walked the last few steps, ascending to the porch and barging through the front door. As it slammed shut, the porch folded up into a giant robot and flew away.
"Yo Rover, did you get over your mental breakdown y-WHOA!!" Kiev hit the floor as a shotgun blast tore through the door behind him, gasping for breath, Kiev slowly pushed himself back to his feet, with one hand clutching his chest. "What the hell?!"
In the kitchen Rover slowly stuck his head over a barricade made up of the kitchen table, several chairs, and virtually every cooking utensil in the house, including several dozen boxes of cereal. Rover heaved a sigh, taking a pot off of his head and emptying a pair of shells out of the sawed-off shotgun in his other hand. "Yeesh. Kiev, at least knock."
"What the frick is going on here? I walk in here and you nearly take my head off! And why are you boxing yourself in the kitchen?"
Two atennae poked over top of the pile of debris, and the head of a giant cockroach eventually rose up besides Rover. "Oh shaddup, haven't you seen what's going on in town?"
"YOU..." Kiev grumbled. "What sort of divine intervention got you off the crapper, might I ask?"
"Listen you ingrate, you'd say that my entire existence revolves around taking a dump of epic proportions, and you'd be correct, but even I'm smart enough to run for shelter if I find my life threatened unlike you. Now get the hell back here before I stop tolerating you again."
Kiev stuck his hands out in front of him. "Whoa whoa whoa. Both of you, shut up. Now what's going on here?"
"Haven't you heard?" Rover shouted back. "The Anima train systems are back up and running! Two of the five trains running the rails have passed by today! According to the schedule posted in the town hall, the next three are going to be stopping in Helle! Now we can finish our plan and get to Anigrad, and stop the Nook Syndicate!"
"Well, solving Nook's problems and potentially getting home in the future are things I'm ecstatic about, but that still doesn't explain why you're putting holes in everyone that enters."
"I have these." Rover ducked back behind the barricade, standing back up with two slips of paper in his hand. "I got two first-class train tickets to Anigrad!"
"Where'd you get the money for that?" Kiev tilted his head.
"I sold the porch. Some weird people in colored costumes came by and said it had the animated properties they were looking for, whatever that meant, but they did happen to pay top dollar for it. Soooo, I managed to snag these this morning. Since then my life has been miserable."
"Ahh. Everyone wants tickets. But why yours?"
"Because the printing presses that originally make these tickets are based in Anigrad, and as you know, there hasn't been a shipment of new ones since our incident on the train shut down the lines. These two are the only legible ones in Helle, and everyone is fighting tooth and nail for them, not just against me, but each other."
"You know what... hang on." Kiev spun around on his heels and marched out the door, slamming it shut behind him.
"Takato!" Kiev jumped up the stairs of the station platform, wheezing for breath as he stumbled to a stop in front of the ticket window.
"Totokeke." Totokeke was still sitting with his legs up, strumming his guitar.
"This is important," Kiev coughed. "You've gotta let me in."
"Although this is a totally unexplained comprimise of security, I think I can comply with that. Gimme a sec." Totokeke forced his chair back forward and stood up. Kiev followed the wall leading to the office door, and forced his way through it as it was unlocked from behind. Kiev strode into the office, beginning to throw open desk and cabinet drawers. He dug through their contents, stopping every so often to throw some into Totokeke's face. "...can I help you, dude?"
"Tarbaster! Did you sell two tickets this morning?"
"Yeah man, it was to Rover... he said one was for you if that's what you're getting in a frizzle over, and I think I already said my name was Totok-"
"Turpentine, were those the only two tickets you had to start with?"
"Well, yeah, those were the only two in the ticket drawer, I thought that was just a planned shortage though, no one gave any other explanation to me."
Kiev glanced around in frustration at all the open cupboards, papers still drifting to the ground. He made his way over to the broom closet, lurching to a halt as he nearly tripped over Porter's corpse. Kiev covered his nose. "Okay, Turnbuckle, can you get rid of this freaking thing or at least give it a proper burial?"
"Do you think I'd get paid for it?" Totokeke said dully. Kiev and him suddenly spun back to the front of the counter as they heard a shrill scream. Monique stood at the cashier, turning even more pale white than usual. THAT was a feat that needed to be seen to be believed.
"What have you two done?!" Monique screeched. "I always said that Porter's miserable life needed to end, but I wasn't asking someone to actually do it!"
"Oh, what the hell... look at him, he's almost finished decomposing in front of me, do you honestly think we had any part in... urgh, we need to distract her somehow so we can make a break for it." Kiev muttered.
"I can handle this, but I'll need more help." Totokeke whispered back.
Nook and Rover slid in behind Kiev.
"A barbershop quartet! Yeah, I think this'll do... now we just need someone to get the corpse out of clear view..."
Everyone paused as Cube raced in, hurled Porter over his shoulders and darted back out, cackling the whole way.
"We're ready to go. Everyone, a one, and a two, and-"
Dead, dead, dead, dead-dead-dead
D-E-A-A-A-D-Dead, dead, dead, dead
We understand your concern in the matter,
but the matter doesn't know youuu
Your knowledge of events is extremely li-mi-ted
Shut up before we hurt youuu
Although it makes us look viiiiolent,
we're all actually well-behaved gents
If you think some deceased is behiiind us
You must be like the kid from Sixth Sense
Monique blinked. "It's not there?"
"Your mind is deceiving, conniving and greiving, locking you in this trance!" Totokeke yelled.
Nook slid across the floor on his knees, stopping so his eyes peered over the top of the counter. "But if you take a moment to stop and listen, we'll free you with song and daaaaaaance..."
You honestly think we killed this man?
It'd take a cunning, daring and masterful plan
Killing is wrong, we just can't force a laugh
Kiev stuck his head out into the lobby. "We have manners!"
But even if we were the murdering type
This stench is making the bystanders gripe
We'd move the body, not even we're that daft
Totokeke waved his arms furiously. "Okay, whoa whoa whoa, first of all, Kiev didn't move the body either so he's just as guilty as I am here."
"Why is it MY responsibility?" Kiev growled. "You LIVE in the freaking place!"
"GUYS! Guys." Rover stepped between the two. "You can argue all you want later."
"We're already past the chorus, can't we just leave now?" Nook said flatly.
This song's supposed to be 'bout kiiilling, or lack thereof so to speak,
But we're pulling our hair and chanting out swears, so by now we've lost our mystique
So as you see, to the contrary, to everything we've just said
If we weren't all belting this song right now, every single one of us would be dead
'cause in this happy animal kingdom, there's some bad apples so to say,
But we indeed plea our sincerity, so please move along on your way
Dead, dead, dead, dead-dead-dead
D-E-A-A-A-D-Dead, dead, dead, dead
People die all the time, don't raise such a fuss
But if you really feel the need to, no point blaming us
Kiev leant over to Monique. "Because then I wouldn't feel the need to come to your house in the middle of the night and break in and come into your bedroom and destroy everything precious to you then hit you in the face with a crowbarrrrrr. And that would really suck for youuuuuuu."
So please remember what we said
Don't forget what we just said
You won't forget what we just said
Kiev'll enforce what just was said
Believe everything that he just said
But above all else we all just said
That WE... WEREN'T... HERE!
All four quickly jumped into a single-file line and shuffled off the platform into the nearby woods. Monique continued to stand in a comatose state in the middle of the station lobby.
"That was close," Kiev mumbled. "Okay... now that that's over with, what I was TRYING to do was see if the station had any bundles of earlier-printed tickets. I dug around in your office and eventually I found them, sitting in the broom closet behind Porter was, but they were destroyed by Porter's bodily fluids."
Nook shrugged. "Well if that's the case, then those two tickets you have are the only ones in Helle. I was supposed to get more ink for the printing press so we could make more for the station, but that was supposed to be on the #1 train that came through here a week ago. We got nothing. HOWEVER, I did get an email this morning saying that a replacement press with enough ink to keep this town supplied for years would be coming on train 3."
"How far apart are trains 4 and 5 from 3?" Kiev sighed.
"3 should be arriving here in half an hour. 4 an hour after that, 5 an hour after 4."
"We should be able to get the printer set up in an hour when it arrives, and we can fire off more tickets in time to grab the next ride after that." Rover folded his arms. "For now we can surrender the two tickets we have and wait for the next batch."
"WAIT wait wait, are you serious?" Kiev interjected. "We've been waiting for years to get out of this dump and you're perfectly fine with giving up our two passes to salvation and waiting another hour? Are you some kind of Helleophile?"
"Listen to yourself." Rover spat. "You heard what Nook said, if we wait on the next tickets to be printed we're in Helle an extra hour. No big deal. It's better to give up the tickets we have to those who REALLY want it badly enough, like Lily, you know, the one that ran at me while I was on my morning jog with a bomb strapped to her chest?"
"Does she even know how to make a bomb?"
"No, it turns out it was a guitar amplifier with a bug zapper inside and she electrocuted herself when she tried to set it off. But that's not the point here."
"Come ON, Rover," Kiev planted his hands firmly on Rover's shoulders. "This is Helle, what HASN'T gone wrong since we got here? If we don't take this chance now, some giant cataclysmic event is going to happen that shuts down any hope of leaving this place for another few years or worse."
"Well, yeah, but one hour, what could possibly happen in one hour?"
If you would like Kiev to make a snide remark relating a past event in Helle to his and Rover's current situation, thereby notifying him that anything and everything could go wrong in the next hour, press 1.
If you would like Kiev to acknowledge Rover's motive and agree with him, thus avoiding a hit to their friendship, press 2.
If you would like Totokeke to be hit by a monster truck that will then burst into flames, press 3.
Everyone paused as a Bigfoot roared over a nearby hill, smashing apart every tree in its path, and flattened Totokeke as it came down. It suddenly ignited, spinning out and crashing through Hornsby's house. Hornsby stepped out of the door carrying a large watering can. He glanced over to his garden, watching a smoldering ball of flame eating apart the ground where his garden once was. "Guess I'd better get the seeds out aga..." he turned back to his home, sulking as the rest of it fell to the ground. "...oh."
Kiev stared blankly. "Well that was a little biased."
Rover looked up, reaching out to catch a paper as it floated down to him. "...hey, this is another ticket! It looks a little aged... whoa, this is from 12 years ago!"
"It's got the same kind of stains as Totokeke's uniform... maybe he was hiding it." Nook rubbed a finger against the sheet, sniffing it. "Yep, that's coffee only a beatnik could love."
"Well, that makes three tickets now!" Kiev nodded. "That means we get to take a third person with us. Nook can get his first glimpse at Nook Syndicate HQ."
"A-are you sure?" Nook twitched. "I didn't think you two were still following through with going to Anigrad after all the crap you went through living here... Kiev, didn't you say that you were going to New York when you first arrived here?"
"The next train that comes through can take me to Saskatchewan for all I care, even that will suck less than here. Well... maybe." Kiev folded his arms again, looking away. "If we pass through Anigrad, you bet we'll make a little side visit to the Syndicate HQ. Once they're defeated I can once again live in peace."
"Peace knowing that you defeated an evil corporation determined to nickel and dime every living thing in Anima to death?" Rover said, watching as Kiev walked by him.
"Peace knowing that I can finish my Feng Shui carpet set... while only paying wholesale prices. Hey, Rover, where are the other tickets right now, anyways?"
"Got 'em right here." Rover dug in his right pocket, eventually removing the two other yellow strips of paper and holding them high. "We have three tickets that we could potentially use in half an hour, but even if we do... there's still one thing I'm wondering. I know some people in Helle want to get on the next train, but for what reason that they'd have enough motive to try to kill us?"
"Isn't it obvious?"
The group slowly turned around to face Tangy.
"Well, uh, no." Kiev droned.
"Everything that happens in Helle is only relevant as long as the protagonists are present," Tangy walked up to Kiev, cradling his chin with her hand. "The moment you accomplish the goal that was outlined in the first chapter, or, if you leave Helle right now and go fight the Nook Syndicate in Anigrad, anything that happens here no longer has any effect on you or Rover. If you take Nook with you, the Syndicate loses its link to Helle, causing Helle itself to cease to exist."
"The story is called Helle." Kiev remarked. He started to slump away, noticing Gwen grappled around his ankle.
"I think I get what's happening," Rover stepped forward. "Kiev's treated all of you like crap for so long that if he leaves without gaining any positive views of any of you, you'll all cease to exist when the story shifts away from Helle itself. So, everyone wants to get on the train before Kiev, Nook or I."
"Exactly!" Tangy nodded. "So we all have to grow as close to Kiev as we can so he gives up those tickets! Alright! Lemon scene with me and Kiev right now!"
"No." Kiev shot back.
"Lemon-lime?"
"No."
"Just lime then?"
"No."
"Kissy-kissy?"
"No."
"We can shake hands and be friends though right?"
"...you aren't going to sexually assault me when you see an opening, are you?"
"...well, I gu-"
"No."
"You know, I'm a main character here, if anyone develops a bond with me you'll all carry on as normal, and I can assure you that I'm a more easygoing guy than Kiev here'll ever be." Rover held out his hand to Tangy. "Friends?"
Tangy's eyes slowly rolled over to Rover's. "...you're creepy."
Rover grumbled, glancing away. "Pot, meet kettle."
"What about me?" Nook stepped forward. "Everyone in this town knows me, and they've all been forced to develop relationships with me as they've all been forced to buy things from me at one point or another."
Kiev glanced over to Nook. "What if they related to you by wishing you were dead for charging them insane prices for staple products in your store, secretly planning to murder you in your sleep not knowing that you were the puppet of a secret organization with its headquarters hundreds of miles away?"
Nook meekly stepped back.
"So what you're insisting, Kiev..." Rover folded his arms. "...is that we hop the first train and let everyone else here rot away into oblivion? We've been here for three and a half years, and... well, you were alive for a few months at best but that's not the point. Even if you somehow still totally hate everyone's guts, that's still a little inethical. Are you totally sure you can't wait for the print ink to get here and wait another hour while we fire off some more tickets?"
"No, no I can't."
"We've been arguing too long, we have just over 20 minutes to come to a conclusion here. And you still haven't given me one valid reason that we should give up the ghost and sit out while everyone who needs to catches this train."
"Oh oh oh, I've got it." Kiev clapped his hands together. "If we go to Anigrad right now, we can solve then entire hoopla about the Nook Syndicate ONE HOUR earlier than we would be able to if we waited for the next train. And need I remind you, there's a lot of towns with Nooks, we'd be saving a lot of people, more than we would be here. What situation are you placing all those unfortunate souls in if you deny them their freedom for another hour? How's THAT for ethical concerns, poindexter?"
"Although I need to slap you into next week for saying that, I think you've got me beat." Rover sighed. "So we're stuck with two situations, we can be ethical in one but not the other. Therefore no matter what we do, we're causing someone suffering."
"Real life didn't stop when we fell off that train, genius!" Kiev barked.
1 - Rover reminds Kiev that nothing within the realm of reason has happened since he fell off his original train.
2 - Rover stays his hand, again avoiding his friendship from taking a lethal turn.
3 - Kiev admits his undying love for Tangy.
Text your response to 55331.
"I'm going to stay my hand, because if I answer our friendship could take a lethal turn." Rover said, nodding.
"Oh C'MON!" Tangy yelled out to the sky.
Kiev rolled his eyes. "Well your 'ethics' argument has fallen apart, how do you propose we solve this problem, Mr. Smooth Thinker?"
"If there were some way all of us could get on the first train and escape Helle using only the three tickets we have, would you concede to that plan?"
"Only if you're the one sitting with me."
"Deal."
"Deal."
"Okay, now what?"
"We think of a way to get everyone on the train."
Kiev shrugged. "Now that I think of it, we don't technically need tickets to get everyone on the train. We could just fight our way on I suppose."
"But that's unethical which takes us right back to where we started," Rover shot back. "And remember, that's what got the train system shut down to begin with. If we fail at this, we may never have another chance to get out of here."
"Will you SHUT UP about this ethics crap, and quit pestering me with your logical conclusions. This is an unrealistic problem, we need an unrealistic solution. We're hijacking that train if you absolutely HAVE to save both Helle and Nook."
"I'm still here, you know." Nook murmured.
"SHUT UP!" Rover and Kiev yelled.
"Okay, we're going to rally everyone in Helle and talk them out of killing us," Kiev said. "Once we have that accomplished, we're going to formulate a plan to take control of the train when it comes in. We've got about 15 minutes, we should be able to do that. We'll have the numbers, that's for sure."
"What are we going to do, just bumrush the engine room? Even we're not that sophisticated."
"Who needs sophistication? We can just do what that stupid toad did and hold passengers hostage with any object of our choosing. People are paranoid like that, especially in public transportation."
Rover looked away for a moment.
Kiev burst through the door into the passenger compartment, pointing a pistol into the air. "I HAVE A GODDAMN GUN!"
An old woman screamed. "GOOD LORD! HE COULD SHOOT US!"
Kiev burst through the door into the passenger compartment, holding a hunting knife above his head. "I HAVE A GODDAMN KNIFE!"
An old woman screamed. "GOOD LORD! HE COULD STAB US!"
Kiev burst through the door into the passenger compartment, holding a plastic bag in one hand. "I HAVE A GODDAMN GROCERY BAG!"
An old woman screamed. "GOOD LORD! HE COULD SUFFOCATE US BY WRAPPING THAT BAG OVER OUR INDIVIDUAL HEADS AND HOLDING IT THERE FOR SEVERAL MINUTES!"
Kiev burst through the door into the passenger compartment, pointing a remote control into the crowd. "I HAVE A GODDAMN REMOTE CONTROL!"
An old woman screamed. "GOOD LORD! THE RAYS THAT REMOTE EMITS MUST HAVE SOME KIND OF NEGATIVE EFFECT ON ME EVENTUALLY BUT I CAN'T COMPREHEND EXACTLY WHAT!"
Kiev burst through the door into the passenger compartment, quickly kneeling down and setting up a space heater. "I HAVE A GODDAMN SPACE HEATER!"
An old woman screamed. "GOOD LORD! IF HE LEAVES THAT SPACE HEATER UNATTENDED LONG ENOUGH HE COULD POTENTIALLY START A FIRE, AND FIRE COULD KILL US!"
Rover turned back to Kiev. "You've got a point there."
"We're still going to need everyone else's cooperation though, and we're going to need it fast." Rover started off in the direction of the train station. "We don't have much time if we're going to give them a speech before the train actually gets here. That is, if we survive long enough to beg their support."
"Speaking of everyone else," Kiev scratched the back of his head. "Where IS everyone anyways?
Copper stood triumphantly on top of a hill near Kiev and Rover's home, watching as it continued to burn. Resting one hand on his hip, he reached up with his other, taking his pipe out of his mouth. "That's right you little ingrates, burn for all that you actually haven't taken from us, but potentially could. The first time I saw you delinquents in my office, I knew that you would bring nothing but suffering to Helle. And it's time you took that back... tenfold. Ha. Hahaha... mwahahaha... mmmMMWAHAHAHA-"
"Uh... so I like... we... um... we didn't find Kiev or Rover inside... I think... at least I'm pretty sure, yeah..." Booker walked up behind Copper, carrying a mug of coffee. Copper spun around, causing Booker's mug to explode from the sheer force of his stare.
"What the hell? You weren't supposed to go IN there! You know full well we were gonna smoke those vermin out of their house so we could beat their sorry asses down! If they knew we were coming our plan would've been ruined! And who knows, you could've been stuck in there while the house burnt do... hmm... that does seem like an issue... Booker, go back into the house. I'm sorry I tried to call you out on that. You were doing the right thing."
"B-but... the house... it's, like... on fire, isn't it?"
"Yes, it's on fire. But it's where you need to be right now. Are you questioning my authority?"
"Well, no, but I... uh... oh, okay, I'll go back..."
"That's the spirit." Cooper saluted Booker before he stumbled back down the hill. "...well that's a load off my shoulders..." he glanced in the other direction as Olivia jogged up to him, nearly tripping over her own tail every step. "Oh now what..."
"Chief and I moved all the furniture out of the house! Aren't you proud of us?"
"Oh god..." Cooper slapped his forehead. "What compelled you to do that? We're trying to exterminate these twerps, I don't think your desire for their exquisite leather sofa has ANYTHING to do with what anyone else wants. Get out of my sight."
"Oh oh oh," Olivia clapped her hands together. Her tail shot up as she nodded. "Chief wanted me to tell you that his equipment found a huuuuge pocket of methane inside the house! I dunno why, I don't know what methane is worth to anyone..."
"Splendid. The place'll go down even faster now... I sure hope Kiev and Rover come out eventually, I'm going to ne... I mean, we're going to need those tickets intact. Did Chief say explicitly where the methane was?"
"Uh, yeah! The bathroom!"
Cooper raised an eyebrow. "The bathroom?"
Kiev, Rover and Nook took no notice of the mushroom cloud rising over the horizon. Kiev started walking towards the town center, but stopped as a washing machine plunged out of the sky and crashed into the ground in front of him. Tilting his head, he knelt down to brush dirt off the door. "...what the... Rover, this is OUR washing machine!"
"Forget about that! Get over here!" Rover was hunched down elsewhere, shoveling dirt to his sides with both hands as various other pieces of furniture rained down around him. Taking another several clumps of earth and throwing them over his shoulder, Rover finally reached down and picked up a giant cockroch. "Ned! Are you alright?!"
"Oohhh... I dunno what kind of bowel movement that was, but it was freakin' epic..." Ned's attenae drifted around for a bit before straightening again. "...I was sittin' on the crapper, like you make fun of me for, when all of a sudden I started gettin' kinda warm... and it started getting hotter and hotter, and I knew, this would be it! All of a sudden there was light and fire all around me, and a sonic boom tore through the room! I blink for just one stupid second and I'm sittin' here covered in dirt!"
Kiev stared at Rover. His eye twitched.
"What?" Rover muttered.
Kiev smiled. "They blew up our house."
"...so you're saying that I was wrong to trust them to have any salvagable decency."
"My emotional state cannot be expressed in mortal terms." Kiev said flatly.
Rover and Nook shoved themselves under Ned's arms, holding him up. Rover turned back to Kiev, sighing. "Alright then. Your plan."
"Exactly." Kiev turned again, running into the trees. Rover and Nook followed behind him, all three headed towards the train station in the distance.
"I can't believe this!" Ned screeched. "...I... I don't feel blocked up anymore! I don't know what that big freakin' explosion accomplished, but this is RAD!"
The steps of the platform became visible in the distance, and Kiev's heart started to race. A squeal filled the air - the sound of a train beginning its long chugs that would eventually put it at rest. All four burst out into the clearing, making the final dash for the platform. "Crap, what are we going to do? We have three tickets and four people! I wasn't expecting this..."
"Hang on guys," Nook watched two large men exiting a larger door on the train, carrying a large crate with 'PRINT INK' emblazoned on the side. "I think I've got this covered." Nook shoved Ned into Rover's hands, jumping up to the cargo workers. "Mmhm! Excuse me you two! I believe this crate is for me!"
"Uh, okay," one man grunted.
"Okay then! You two go back inside and do what you two big hairy musclemen do while I inspect this package and make sure I got exactly what I wanted." Nook watched as the two workers went back into the train, and when they left, he quickly shoved the box along the ground into the ticket office. He tipped the box on its side, prying the lid off with a nearby crowbar. As he dumped the cans of ink out. Kiev, Rover and Ned ducked into the room with him.
"What are you doing?" Kiev whispered.
"Exactly what it looks like," Nook hissed. "I'm going to tell the workers that we got the wrong brand of ink, and get the crate shipped to Anigrad for replacement ink. Except... there's going to be no ink in here."
Kiev slowly grew a grin, turning his stare to Ned. "Ohhhhh. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
Rover smiled back to Kiev. "I think I'm thinking what you're thinking!"
"I don't think I thank what you thunk!" Rover growled.
"Oh, shut up, this isn't going to be a long ride, and besides, when you get to Anigrad SOMEONE'S going to figure out that your box contains an illegal alien. By then you should be able to make a break for it."
"This is bullsh-" Kiev quickly slammed the lid back down on the box, whistling as he pounded nails into it at the corners. The remaining three went back around the other side, pushing the crate back out onto the platform.
"This is the wrong brand of ink!" Nook screeched as the two laborers came back out of the cargo car. "I'm going to pay the shipping fees up front right now, and I'm going to get this crate returned to Anigrad so I can get the RIGHT kind of toner! Those idiots... well, there's nothing I can do! Take this box and put it back on the train please." Nook stepped back as each man took one end of the box.
"This thing weighs kind of different," one mumbled. "You don't think there's an illegal alien in here, do you?"
"Are you kidding? No one would put a living thing in this box, this is the volitile liquids car, it's airtight, remember?"
"Ohhh, yeah. Okay, just making sure."
"I realize I'm forfeiting all my personal possessions here, but we've gotta SPLIT before the townsfolk figure out what's going on." Kiev dug in his pockets, fishing out his three tickets as they all ran along the side of the train. It let out another whistle as the machinery started up again. Nook finally leapt in front of the open passenger car, passing out the tickets to the waiting operator. Ted looked over his shoulder, seeing the remaining townspeople charging at them from beyond the platform.
"You won't escape here alive!" Copper yelled.
"Totally not! Harrumph!" Chief grunted.
"Oh no you AREN'T!" Olivia hissed.
"Dude! Look at my head!" Cube took his head off again, spiking it as he ran.
"My huns... I hope you all know what you're doing." Gwen sighed.
"Level my warlock for me!" Hornsby shouted.
"Where am I?" a post-coma Monique slurred.
"FREUGHSHHSFHHHH." an undead Lily blarghed.
Nook started to jog along the train as it lurched forward, constantly shifting his stare between Kiev and Ned, standing in the doorway of the car alongside him, and the furious residents of Helle that now were on the train platform running at him.
Kiev stuck out his hand, nodding sternly. "Come with me if you want to live."
"Trust us, dude, we're here to help." Ned finished.
Nook nodded, thrusting out his arm. Kiev and Ned latched on, hoisting him into the car as the train finally left the platform, leaving behind Helle, and everything that existed in it. The group in pursuit slowly jogged to a halt at the edge of the platform, watching as the train slowly disappeared over the horizon.
"...TO THE HANDCAR!" Copper yelled, pointing to a platform on the adjacent rail with a twin-handled lever on it.
"Whoa, hold on." Cube interjected. "We had a handcar? So we could've just followed Kiev and them whether they got on the train or not. So why did we act so anally to them about leaving Helle before us if it we could've just used the handcar like we are now?"
Copper raised a clenched fist. "Because we wanted business class seating, damn it. Let's get on that cart, fellows, it looks like we're going to have to get to Anigrad through the power of high-school physics."
Everyone quickly crossed the tracks and piled onto the cart, grunting and groaning as they began pushing the lever up and down.
Ch-chank.
Ch-chunk.
Ch-chank.
Kiev let his head rest on his palm, while his arm was pressed up against the windowsill. He watched the landscape blaze by, slowly starting to fall asleep. Ned sat next to him, Rover across from him. Kiev continued shifting his lips. "Y'know, any corporate grunt would sit in a seat like mine dreading his next destination. I think a lot of different people would, actually. But to me there's like neon signs saying 'you're riding the next train to paradise, 500 miles thataway'.
"...I haven't been on the rails for years. I guess I understand what you're getting at." Nook slowly took the same position as Kiev.
"When everything is over, I'm going to get a smelly bachelor suite in some cheapo apartment, go down to the local 7-11 and buy junk food every day, work some minimum wage job to fund both, and otherwise completely ignore everyone around me. That's bliss. I don't even care about getting to where I originally wanted to go. Actually, I don't even remember where I wanted to go to start with."
"New York."
Kiev slowly pivoted his head back to the aisle, and his eyes went wide - for sitting on the opposite car, was Tangy.
"Tangy?! How did you get on the train?" Kiev blurted.
"How else?" Tangy tipped her head towards the space heater sitting at her feet. As Kiev looked around, he realized everyone was giving her terrified stares.
"...oh. Right." Kiev slumped back in his seat.
"Although I think it's great that I eventually will get to meet my ultimate nemesis face to face..." Nook frowned. "I can't help but wonder what will happen to all the people in Helle that didn't get on that train. Kiev, are you absolutely sure that we couldn't have waited that extra hour so that everyone could have gotten tickets?"
"Nook, Nook, Nook," Kiev sighed. "You've seen everything that happened in Helle since me and Rover got there. Like I said, if we stayed a moment longer, some other huge disaster would've prevented us from leaving. It's as simple as that. It always was."
"Well, if you say so..." Nook trailed off. "Then let's go to Anigrad, and fix this mess once and for all."
Moments later an orbital laser struck Helle, destroying it and everything else in a 30-mile radius. A saucer-shaped spaceship far above slowly retracted its main cannon. Inside, two tentacled monsters operated computers with cryptic symbols flashing all around them.
"Zyscghlop, are you sure this was the right thing to do? We have attacked a world that has not even interacted with us before! This will not bode well for our future interactions!"
"Yuisekfsen, did you not view the transmissions we intercepted from this planet's space agency? The gorilla-men and the banana-beasts, our mortal enemies, had developed an advanced outpost on this world in that area, and it was imperative that we vanquished it as soon as possible lest they gain a foothold here. Our work here is done, as our scans indicate that no carbon-based lifeforms remain in the strike zone. We have won the battle, Zyscghlop... but we have yet to win the war..."
