Move Forward
The pain was unimaginable. Unfathomable. Trisha would have rather go through the gate again than stomach this pain. But she knew it was already too late; she had made her decision. Even so—despite the blood-chilling pain that made her puke her guts all over the floor only five seconds after the procedure started and dry heave the rest of the time—she didn't regret the decision. While Allan scraped away whatever dead, unsalvageable flesh littered her stump of a shoulder, her mother held her hand and kissed her sweat soaked forehead, tears budding in her eyes. Hours of surgery with minimal anesthetic and pain that scrambled and numbed even the most brilliant of brains later, the worst of it was final over. All nerve endings had been connected, but still her body ached and an icy chill radiated through her insides. Trisha had laughed when Allan told her to get some sleep, to which he responded—very generously—with two syringes: one with a healthy dose of morphine and the other with a sleep aid. Winry tossed blanked after blanket over her, careful of her sensitive wound, and within the hour Trisha was passed out.
That was two weeks ago.
Today, Trisha sat in a chair in the room Izumi had filled with weighs and exercise equipment. A ten pound dumbbell in her metal right hand, Allan coached her though reps of different exercises. Each one made the gears and metal parts in her automail arm grind and clank. A few days ago, the smell of oil that radiated from her "arm" made her sick to her stomach, but now that she was used to it and the pain wasn't as severe as it had been, she noticed it reminded her of her brother. Suddenly, she found the smell endearing.
"Alright, that's good for today. Let's not overdo it," Allan said as she finished her set of curls.
He watched her as she immediately dropped the weight, and her flesh and bone hand shot up to the spot where her metal shoulder connected with the flesh of her neck. Sweat rolled down her face and neck. Very faintly, he could see the metal of her artificial fingers twitch and shake. Her breath left her mouth through clenched teeth, her eyes squeezed shut.
"Are you okay?"
Trisha groaned and slid to the floor, laying on her back so it wouldn't feel like her false arm was pulling down on her nerves like they attached Izumi's dumbbells to her body instead of a metal arm.
"Automail should be illegal," Trisha said hoarsely.
"Just think, when Dad was your age, automail was twice as heavy. At least, until Mom made a model that was lighter. And even then, lighter meant less durable," Allan grinned, crossing his arms. "You're lucky that Mom and I figured out a way to make a lighter model that's durable enough to stand up to older models."
"Yeah yeah," she scoffed, then grunted, "Grease Monkey Genius."
Allan threw the towel he was holding down at her face, but Trisha only moaned at the cool fabric that had been soaked in cold water. She wiped her face with it then moved it around her neck. Suddenly the door leading to the hallway creaked open. Even with her eyes closed, Trisha could tell who it was. Uneven footsteps almost always equaled her father. His voice validated her hypothesis.
"Trisha." She opened her eyes looked up at him, standing by the door. She couldn't read his expression. That was bad. "Charity is awake."
Eyes snapped wide, Trisha turned to look at her brother, holding her good hand out to him. "Pull me up!"
Allan wasted no time in doing so, then helped her put on her sling. Off she ran out the door and down the hall to Charity's room. She slammed the door open, the doorknob bouncing against the adjacent wall and moving back again. Charity sat upright in bed. Her eyes rimmed with dark circles. She looked ten pounds skinnier. Her hair fell around bony cheeks. Her thighs were visible as humps in the blanket covering her, but further down, the blanket dropped off like the side of a cliff. The rest of the blanket laid flat against the mattress. Charity ignored the slamming of the door until Trisha stomped up to the side of her bed, glaring down at her. Her head slowly shifted up and over, looking up at Trisha with hollow eyes.
Suddenly she smiled. It was a dead, meaningless sort of smile. "Trisha. You're okay. I'm glad." Her voice was rough and small. Insignificant. Charity's eyes fell on Trisha's automail arm. "Your arm?" Her eyes shifted to her other arm. "Just the right one?" Now they looked down at her absent legs. "I see. You were the lucky one."
Trisha grinded her teeth, baring them at Charity. She grabbed her by her nightgown and pulled her so she was looking up at her. "I'm the lucky one?! I'm lucky?! What did you do?! You're not the one who saved us! You're the one who activated the circle, regardless of all the times I told you to stop! You ignored me! You cast my words aside and did it anyway! Given, I was the one who stupidly thought I could stop it once it was started, but if not for your godly level of stupidity, neither of us would be here! You lost both of your legs! You were miles away from everyone else in the city, by yourself, at night, during a storm! If not for me—if I hadn't have come looking for your ass—you'd be dead! If I hadn't told Izumi to come looking for me if I wasn't back in an hour, both of us would be dead! So tell me, who's the lucky one?!"
Charity's head fell down as Trisha finished her yelling spat. "I…. I'm sorry… I thought I could…"
Trisha growled and pushed her back down onto the bed. "You thought you could what? Succeed at something that no one in the entire freaking world could accomplish? Something that not even the most genius minds and prodigy alchemists could do? Don't make me laugh! You knew that not even my father could do it! And you did it anyway!"
"I know, and I know that now," Charity put her hands to her face. She was silent for a while when suddenly she lowered her hands. Her eyes were no longer hollow. Instead they were pondering, thinking, trying to fit pieces of some invisible puzzle together. "But… we have this knowledge now. Maybe it can be fixed?" She turned to Trisha, beaming up at her with a look of glee that Trisha thought looked a lot more like insanity. She grabbed the bottom of Trisha's shirt. "I can fix it! I can make us normal again!"
Trisha clicked her tongue at her, pushing her hands off. Her father and uncle came to mind, but she knew what their goal had cost them. "And how the hell do you plan on 'fixing' it?"
"Well…" The gears in Charity's head starting turning again. "I suppose it could work like a skin graft. You know, for burn victims. Or like a transplant. Yeah! A transplant!"
The hopeful and bright look on Charity's face made Trisha sick to her stomach. Even more so than the pain in her shoulder. She knew what Charity meant. And the thought of it-the image of it, of them wearing someone else's limbs—repulsed her.
"You…" Trisha slipped her arm out of its sling and clenched her fist, ignoring the pain. "You make me sick!"
She socked Charity across the cheek with her closed metal fist. It wasn't a full blow, given how limited her usage of it was, but it still left a welt and the beginnings of a bruise on her cheek. Charity clutched her cheek, and Trisha grinded her teeth and grabbed her shoulder.
"You would use… someone else's body… to fix your own mistake!?" She panted as the pain took her breath away. "That's despicable! There's not even a word to describe how pathetic and depraved that is! Even if it did work, I would never walk around wearing someone else's arm on my body! Giving someone a skin graft cause they were burned or a liver or a heart or a kidney so they can live is not the same as giving someone an arm! That's why we have automail!"
"But your father and your uncle-!"
Trisha punched her again. This time on her other cheek and with her flesh and blood hand. "And do you have any idea what they sacrificed—all the shit they put themselves through—to achieve that?! And in the end my father still has an automail leg! My father didn't do it for himself! He did it for my uncle! You think it's so terrible to lose both your legs? My uncle lived in a suit of armor for over five years! He couldn't eat, sleep or feel anything! Is that what you wanted?! Cause you're damn lucky that's not what happened when you activated that circle!"
The look Charity gave Trisha as she took in her words was horrified. For a split second, hope that maybe she finally got it overshadowed Trisha's anger before it took over her again. "My father bled, sweated and suffered over the consequences as a result of human transmutation. He could have died and my uncle would have been stuck inside that armor, and I never would have existed and neither would Nina!"
Tears streamed down her face as she thought about all the possible outcomes of what her father and uncle had done. "Nina and me, you, and this whole country—none of it would be here if not for them! And you think I'm going to disgrace their efforts by attaching someone's limb to my body!?"
"But… but what do I do?"
Trisha wiped her eyes and recited what she had heard her father say numerous times. "Move forward. Keep walking. Don't stop. You have to move past this in whatever way you can. A way that's healthy. That's the only thing you can do. And I'll do the same."
She turned around and made for the door.
"Trisha. What are you going to do?"
Trisha stopped and without looking back, she said, "I'll finish my rehabilitation then go to central."
"Why?"
Trisha didn't answer. She just kept walking.
Eight months later, Trisha had achieved her goal. Charity had been transferred to the home of one of her family's friends who had come forward to take care of her. Not once did Trisha think about Charity. When Nina asked what she thought Charity would do, Trisha replied bluntly that she didn't care and that it was none of her business. Trisha dropped all thoughts and memories of Charity like a bad habit. Although she still couldn't shake the feeling that somehow, the events of the past nine months would follow her in more ways than just her automail arm. The eight months crawled by, filled with painful exercises that gradually became less painful, sparring with family members, Allan bugging her with maintenance and adjustments, and practicing alchemy without a circle. Even so, Trisha had to blink several times when she found herself standing at the Dublith train station.
Suddenly she felt hands on her shoulders, and she turned around to see her father.
"I know where you're going, and I know what you're planning."
"Eh heh," Trisha laughed nervously, scratching her cheek. "Figures. Can't hide anything from you."
"Trisha… why? Why put yourself through that? You know what could happen."
"Do you trust the fuhrer?" Trisha asked sternly.
"Yes. I may not like him, but I do trust him," Edward cringed and growled. "But that doesn't answer my question."
Trisha lowered her head. "I don't know. It just feels like something I have to do. Like fate or something."
Edward shook his head. "I think you're just trying to follow my footsteps."
This time Trisha shook her head. "No, it's bigger than that. I know I have a calling. And I know I won't find it sitting at home. Whether it's following you or not, I have to find it. I won't know until I try. And this is the only way I know how to find it."
Edward sighed. "Alright. I understand. I'll send a letter to the fuhrer. Make sure you call your mother from time to time, otherwise none of us will hear the end of it. And you know Allan will want you to call before showing up for maintenance." Trisha grumbled and Edward laughed. "Yeah, tell me about it." He kissed her forehead. "I love you. Be careful."
"I will," Trisha smiled and hugged him tightly.
"What about me?" Allan gave her a mock pout as he walked up. Trisha rolled her eyes and hugged him as well. He kissed her on top of the head then dug his knuckles into the same spot. "I swear, if you show up at Rush Valley with your arm all busted up like you got it stuck in a garbage compactor—"
"I know, I know," Trisha winced, thinking of what he would so to her if she did. Allan released her, and Nina walked up, suitcase in hand. "Said your goodbyes?"
Nina nodded. "I'm ready when you are."
Once they were boarded, the two girls stuck their heads out the window. "Thank you Miss Izumi."
"You two better not be planning to get into trouble," she crossed her arms with a scowl.
"Whatever have you that idea?" Trisha looked away.
"Keep your cousin in line, 'kay Nina?" Alphonse winked.
"Okay~" Nina sang as Trisha growled.
Once again, the train pulled off, blowing its whistle loudly. The girls waved at their family until they were tiny specs in the distance. Trisha sighed and leaned back against the seat with a thud, wincing when she bumped her shoulder wrong.
"Well, we finally checked that off our list," she said rubbing her shoulder. "Albeit with more effort than wanted."
"I wouldn't call it effort," Nina bowed her head.
Trisha frowned at her then smiled reassuringly. "Hey. It's fine. Actually, this gives me and edge." She raised her metal fist, grinning as she placed her other hand on the bicep of the automail. "Just watch! I'm going to ace that exam! No sweat!"
Nina giggled and smiled back. "Even after all that, it's still hard to discourage you." She looked out the window at the passing scenery. "Do you really think you'll pass?"
"Duh! It can't be that hard! Dad passed it at twelve!" She placed her elbows on the windowsill, resting her chin on her flesh forearm. "I wonder what codename I'll get?"
"Maybe the Fuhrer will pick on you and give you a weird one," Nina smiled innocently.
"That's not funny…"
Finally! A new chapter. *bows a thousand times* I'm so sorry for the long wait. So, to make up for it, I have two pieces of good news.
First, I started Fall semester of college, so actually, contrary to what you might think, I'll be able to write more now. (My work study job gives me both time and peace and quiet to think and write. At home, not so much.)
And second, we have a new character debuting next chapter! And yes, he's a main character. Kind of surprising given FMA was a two character main cast, and this one is a three character main cast. Ah well. It'll be more interesting. So, look forward to the next chapter! Hope you all enjoyed this one even though it was kind of slow.
