February 12, 9:36pm
The significance of physical gestures of affection to human emotions is strange. Objectively, it should make no difference whether Kyon and I are in close proximity to each other or not. Objectively, there is no significance to placing one's arms around another, or two individuals pressing their lips together. And yet these actions are capable of affecting my internal state in strange ways.
I am not human, although biologically my body functions in the same way as a human body, apart from my data manipulation capabilities. But I have found myself changing, reacting as a human would to more stimuli. At this moment, I want only for Kyon to continue holding me in his arms indefinitely. This would have been an incomprehensible impulse to my self as I was first created. Now it is incomprehensible that I would not have this impulse.
"Yuki," says Kyon.
"Yes?" I reply.
"I think we'll have to eventually find some way to tell Haruhi about this."
This distresses me. I sit up as I respond, "Why?"
Kyon is silent for a short interval, and then begins, "Because I don't think it's right, for us to use Haruhi as a shield against the Entity, while keeping her in the dark about the whole thing. Because, given that this is Haruhi's world, I think she'll somehow find out anyway. Because I think the Entity isn't trustworthy, and I'm pretty sure that even now they're plotting a way to get around our defense. And because I think that, if we break the news to her the right way, she won't destroy the universe upon finding out."
I ask, "What is the basis for your last statement?"
"I don't think Haruhi would destroy the universe just because she was unhappy with some fact about it, if she knew the consequences of her actions."
I am surprised by the implications of Kyon's statement.
"Are you suggesting that we should inform Haruhi Suzumiya of her powers, absent a threat from the Entity?" I query.
"Yes," Kyon replies.
"That would be extremely dangerous," I say.
"Says who?" replies Kyon, "Is it safe for her to be blithely unaware of her powers, to be able to remake the world without even meaning to?"
"If Haruhi Suzumiya becomes aware of her powers, she may consciously use them to alter reality in order to realize her desires. She may choose to eliminate aspects of her reality that cause her distress. And if we also inform her of our actions, I will be a cause of distress to Haruhi Suzumiya."
"Yuki, you don't really think Haruhi would erase you out of jealousy, do you?" He sounds uncertain.
"The consequences are unpredictable. That is why none of the factions observing Haruhi Suzumiya have considered it an acceptable option. I am not certain what the result of Haruhi Suzumiya being informed of her powers would be, if she also becomes aware of our relationship. But in my own judgment, there is a high probability that she would find my existence distressing, and eliminate the cause of her distress. This is consistent with her previous actions in similar situations. When Haruhi Suzumiya thought that you and Mikuru Asahina were in an intimate position, she attempted to remake the universe. Later, after the encounter with your friend from middle school, Itsuki Koizumi claimed that Haruhi Suzumiya's closed space activity increased significantly."
"Those were things that Haruhi did unconsciously though, because she was upset. Do you really think that she would deliberately kill someone close to her because she was jealous of that person?" Kyon asks.
I pause before replying. It is apparent that Kyon is distressed by the possibility he has mentioned. Haruhi Suzumiya is a strange human. Her personality is difficult to comprehend. She often does not act in a way that indicates any consideration for the humans around her. However, there are occasions when she has displayed concern for members of the SOS Brigade. She has even, on occasion, shown concern for me. But it is also possible that Haruhi Suzumiya only fails to perceive any possibility that a relationship between Kyon and myself might develop. And her behavior in similar situations is the only data I have on which to base my response:
"Yes."
/
Yuki's response shocked me. I hadn't expected that. While I could imagine Haruhi being thoughtless, uncaring, and annoying, the idea that she would deliberately harm someone like Yuki, out of jealousy, wasn't something I could bring myself to accept. Then again, how I view Haruhi, and how the rest of the SOS Brigade, even Yuki, views Haruhi, tends to differ somewhat. Pretty much everyone else treats her like an unexploded bomb that might go off if jostled too much, and I suppose they have their reasons for that.
But I like to think that Haruhi was more mature than that. She's not the same as she was when we first met, that much is certain. Even her habit of molesting Miss Asahina had fallen off in the last year or so (much to the disappointment of the less noble, more prurient side of my personality).
And she was even almost motherly to Yuki, when Yuki was ill from being under attack by the Sky Canopy Dominion. Indeed, she seemed to take a protective attitude towards Yuki, that went beyond simply safeguarding her indispensable silent character.
Even when Haruhi thought that I had written a love letter to Yuki, she took her annoyance and frustration out on me alone, rather than against Yuki. Then again, maybe that was because I was able to convince her that it was all a misunderstanding. And perhaps that was because she just didn't consider Yuki a credible romantic rival. Good grief, am I really that popular?
Still, I didn't think so little of Haruhi that I considered it likely that she would attempt to harm Yuki to get her out of the way. I mean, she would have to be evil, rather than simply thoughtless and somewhat selfish, to do that. And Haruhi wasn't evil. I couldn't believe that.
"Yuki, I-I don't think, that is," I paused a little, trying to gather my thoughts, "I mean, you don't think Haruhi's evil, do you, really?"
"The concept is unfamiliar to me. But it is natural for humans, when they have the ability to achieve important goals, to use any means necessary."
"But Haruhi wouldn't go that far, would she? I don't think she hates you. In fact, she seems almost protective of you, to be honest."
"It is possible that Haruhi Suzumiya's assessment would be altered if she became aware of our actions," Yuki replied simply. Well, that might be true. What was I trying to prove, anyway? Do I really trust Haruhi enough to make her aware that she's the most powerful being in the universe? And I couldn't bring myself to do something like this, knowing the risks it posed, if Yuki didn't approve of it.
"Fine. I won't say anything to Haruhi."
"You may continue with that course of action if you consider it-"
"NO!" I yelled, surprising even myself, and causing Yuki's expression to change just slightly. What the hell had I just done? Standing up and turning away from Yuki to hide my expression of shock and embarrassment at my own actions, I simply said, "It's just-would you stop doing that!"
"What?" I heard Yuki's monosyllabic response.
What the hell did I yell at her for? What did I want her to stop doing? It was just, just…
"I don't want you to constantly defer to me, Yuki," I said, through gritted teeth, "You should have more regard for your own opinion. If you think something I'm suggesting is a bad idea, then be firm about it. Hell, I've already proven that I can't be trusted with important decisions. My choice back when you changed the world proves that, doesn't it? Only a fool would assume that I'm trustworthy." Immediately after the last words left my mouth, I regretted them, recognizing the implications.
I was getting angry with myself, and taking it out on the person who I claimed to love. I don't try to act like a bastard, and yet I can't seem to help myself, can I? And right now, to be honest, a large part of the reason for my outburst is that I don't want to have to be the one who makes the difficult choice. If Yuki agreed with me, and thought that Haruhi should be told about everything, then I could justify my decision, if everything went awry. "Oh, Nagato agreed, so what else could I have done?" I was still depending on her, forcing burdens she shouldn't have to bear.
And for a few moments, we were both silent. I felt my face getting hot, as I realized just how much of an ass I had made of myself. I suppose this might solve the problem , though, right? After that outburst, maybe Yuki was "changing her assessment" of me. Does she really want to love someone who can be such a jerk? No relationship between Yuki and me, no problem, right? Hell, if Haruhi's as bad as Yuki fears, I guess we would deserve each other.
I supposed that I should turn around and face Yuki. I had to apologize for that outburst, at least, and staring away from her while I said it wasn't the proper way. Even if she wants me to leave, I can't let what I just said be my parting words.
To my surprise, she was standing right behind me, and I almost ran into her as I turned. That ability of hers to walk soundlessly could be inconvenient at times. Her eyes were downcast as she said, "I'm sorry."
No, this wasn't right, for Yuki to apologize to me for my outburst.
"No, Yuki. I shouldn't have said that last thing. I didn't mean it like that. But I really don't think that you should just defer to my judgment. And I can't make this decision on my own."
Lifting her eyes to me, Yuki said, again, "I'm sorry. I was not aware that it was difficult for you."
It was almost too much, to see Yuki insistently apologizing to me for anything, especially something like this. It's either a sign of my great fortitude or utter callousness that I was able to remain (almost) dry-eyed. Kneeling down before Yuki like I did that night on the rooftop, I took her right hand in both of mine, looked upwards at her, and said, "Yuki, you never have to apologize for that. I can't complain about bearing responsibility for the decisions I make. Please understand, I just can't make these decisions, decisions that affect you, if you're not okay with them. It's not right. If something affects you, you shouldn't just take my judgment on it for granted. But I was wrong to call you foolish. I can only ask you to forgive me, if you're willing," I finished, turning my face towards the floor.
I gave a slight start when Yuki leaned down, placing her left arm around my right shoulder, and laying her head on my left shoulder. She then quietly whispered in my ear, "Of course. I love you."
There were no words that I had ever been happier to hear.
Author's Note:
Reviews always appreciated.
