Tell your friends! Because I'm a reviewawhore! No apologies. NEVER apologies. (That's not a typo BTW, I'm saying that there's never any apologies on this fanfic page. I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is.)

Wheeeeere were we, oh dear old diary entry? Ah yes, let me continue…

Jacob was running haphazardly through the upstairs halls, slamming into the walls. I was 70% sure he wasn't supposed to do this, but at this point I was fairly inebriated. Who was I to judge?

"Oh man, slow dooowwwwwn," I whined. "Or carry me. Don't you have freaky strength or some shit like that? Can't you carry me?"

"Yes, but with great power comes great responsibility!"

"So will you carry me?"

"No."

"Aw."

"Hey, what's that multi-coloured pool of gunk over in the corner?"

"Oh, I vomited laser unicorn rainbow porn earlier."

"… I see."

I don't think he really saw, but we turned on our heels and went to make a pit stop in the upstairs dining room for more booze before continuing our tour of the house.

"So listen. Listen. Dude. Listen. Dude. Listen"

"I'm listening."

"Do you- do you think that," Jacob swayed for a moment as he tried to gain control over the alcohol. "Do you think that Edward would be pissed if we invited the guys?"

I peered blearily at him. "The guys?"

"You know. YOU KNOW. The GUYS. The guys who- they do the same with the…" Jacob did a series of vague wave-y hand gestures. If I had been any way sober, I probably wouldn't know what the hell he was talking about. Luckily for me, I wasn't.

"The other guys who turn into wolves?"

"Yeah, s'just that we need to get this party STARTED dude! This has to be THE BEST PARTY EVER. Do you think Edward would have a problem with it?"

I gave it serious thought, holding onto the wall 'cos the damn cheap-ass floor was swaying all over the place. Seriously, what kind of awful, awful architect puts in a swaying floor? That's just asking for trouble. "Nooooo, I think he'd LOVE it. He's always saying how much he loves you guys. Or loathes. One of those. Definitely."

"Awesome."

"Okay, lets get a phone and invite these boys!"

"And Leah," added Jacob.

"And Leah," I agreed. She was fun and she annoyed everyone. It's like we were sisters or something. Except not, because that would be an awful hackneyed plot-device used by poor writers who insist on pulling such strings as making their main character the only one invulnerable to all sorts of psychic influence. Or something.

We continued until we came to Carlisle's study. "Excellent. There'll definitely be a phone in here. Do NOT touch anything," I told Jacob, who was eyeing a large crystal paperweight. "Carlisle is a VERY IMPORTANT DOCTOR."

"So what?"

"SO EVERYTHING IS MADE OF POISON THAT'S WHAT!"

"Jeez, okay, sorry… Here, thiss looks like a phone…"

"Yeah, tell me the- hey whass thiss?" I held up a thick black book beside the phone. The leather was all cracked and it look old and important. "It's a phonebook… I wonder who's-"

At that precise moment, I was gripped by a sudden and unexplainable urge. "Gotta pee?" Jacob asked, watching me hop around, leg locked.

"Back in five!" I hurried out of the study and down the corridor, and just made it to the white shiny bathroom on time. I gotta hand it to the Cullen's, they know how to build a bathroom. You know the President's bathroom? Yeah, like that. Times a million.

When I arrived back to the study, zipping my fly like a classy lady, Jacob was in the process of putting the phone back in it's cradle.

"You call 'em?" I asked, surreptitiously checking the room for anything he might have broken while I was gone.

Hey, I didn't want anyone to blame ME.

"Yeah, they're totally coming," he informed me. Then he got a funny look in his eyes and grabbed me by the shoulders. "I want this to be the best party ever for you Anna. Do you understand that? Best party ever. That's all I want."

"Uh. Okay."

"And I would never do anything that would unintentionally make your party bad, you know that, right? Right?"

"…you're hurting me…"

"Because you deserve an epic party Anna. You deserve to drink so much you puke up your stomach. In fact! As your friend, I am going to MAKE SURE YOU PUKE UP YOUR STOMACH." He twisted me around and put me in what I'm sure he thought was an affectionate head-lock. "Because we're BRO'S, Anna," he informed me emotionally. "Bro's until the end, and what I am going to do for you Anna, as your bro, is make this the best party ever, do you hear me? BEST PARTY EVER…. Anna?... Anna? …Why aren't you speaking?... Why are you going blue?... Do you not it like that we're bro's?... Is it blue of sadness?... Anna, don't go to sleep, Anna, it's your birthday party…Anna?"

After I had come round from my impromptu result-of-lack-of-oxygen nap, Jacob asked me what we were going to do about Edward.

"What about him?" I asked grumpily, massaging my throat. "He'll be fiiiiine with this. Trust me. I know him. Because I know his soul."

"But you hate him."

"Because I know his soul."

"Actually I was talking about the other thing. The fact that he's accessing porn on Carlisle's super important computers for work. That thing."

I glared at Jacob. I didn't want to admit it, but it had been bothering me.

I mean, how was I going to look Edward in the eye?

Ah crap, let's face the real important issue here…

How the hell was I going to eat his goddamn sandwiches?

"Oooh nooo." I buried my head in my hands. "Every time I look at him I'm going to be picturing him whacking off to all that stuff… and you know… you know…Some of the girls in Edward's porn don't even look like girls…"

Just then, there was a noise from behind us. It sounded like strangled choking.

"Oh, hi Edward!" I said brightly.

"How did-" he started, then he seemed to have some sort of breakdown and his eyes rolled back in his head so only the white's could be seen.

Me and Jacob watched him for a little while, and then when that got boring we had an animated conversation about who would win in a fight between Superman and God. I was on God's side. Say what you like, the guy is all right.

Occasionally a muscle would twitch on Edward's face.

"No," I insisted, slurring just a little. "No, no, no, no, no. Because if Superman got a bazooka, then God could make a BIGGER bazooka! God can make ANYTHING. He's like- he's like- he's like JESUS."

"Ahah!" Jacob exclaimed, waving a bottle of cognac that we had found in Carlisle's bottom desk drawer around the place (that's the only thing that I decided wasn't poison). "If God can make everything, could he make a bazooka that NOT EVEN HE COULD USE?"

"Yes."

"Oh. Well then… what about A TACO SO BIG THAT NOT EVEN HE COULD EAT IT?"

"No."

"Not a taco?"

"Taco's are special. It says it in the Bible."

"Where?"

"Near the back. Somewhere."

"Get a bible and show me!"

"Mmm…no."

"Could God make God?"

"Dude, shut up" I hissed, eyes wide as I grabbed the cognac off him. "He's listening!"

We both fearfully turned our eyes upwards, waiting for fiery retribution when-

"Ahem."

We turned and looked at Edward, who was now sporting a very composed, yet somehow frozen look on his face.

"Yeeeaaaas?" I asked him sweetly.

"I would merely like to point out that many people in this household use this computer and-"

I ticked off on my fingers. "One: You forgot to log out of your account. Two: Jasper has his own porn site where freaky pale ladies in corsets get ripped into half and eaten. (Seriously get that guy some therapy). And four: Emmett doesn't have the intellectual ability to turn a computer on, let alone hack your password."
"Which is probably something like 'IheartBella' or something," interjected Jacob, taking back the cognac. "Seriously dude, get some balls."

"I don't- Look, listen, it's not what you think, I just- just-"

"And," I continued, laying down my ace-card, "None of those girls were even that well endowed!"

"I don't- what?"

"Yep," I continued smugly. "You need to get yourself a better porn site Edward. Half those chicks looked totally flat-chested. And with short hair. What's with that?"

Edward blinked, and opened and closed his mouth silently for a couple of seconds, and then he seemed to give up and rubbed his eyes. "What will it take for you to not tell anyone about this ever?"

"Well, I personally don't have a problem with you whacking off to some virtual goodies," said Jacob, squinting at the bottle. "Anna, on the other hand, is scandalized that you used her precious Doctor Carlisle's computer to access such filth."

Edward turned to me. "Fine, you annoying little bag of air. What do you want?"

"Oooh don't worry about me, Edward," I said smugly. "Carmen is going to get you eventually."

There was a pause.

"It's KARMA you idiot!" Edward buried his face in his hands. "Oh god, I'm starting to think like it thinks!"

"Look, I'm just going to forget this ever happened. Because frankly the idea of you actually mast- huck!"

"What's wrong?"

"Threw up a little. Look, lets not ever talk about this ever again. Ever."

"Agreed," Edward said, looking very relieved. "Now come down to the kitchen. I have a lot of food that needs eating."

He left.

Jacob turned to me, eyes filled with tears. "I love that guy, you know that? Why don't we like him again?"

"He's an anal dickhead who's so far in the closet he's having tea with Mr. Tumnus?"

"Oh yeah…"

We made our sexy, sexy way down to the kitchen, where we found all the vampires assembled.

"Yo, me and Jacob been kickin' it old school and we got some mad hungers up in here, yo!" I exclaimed like the very cool person I am, accompanying my statement with the appropriate hand gestures and stance.

"Well, you've come to the right place as long as you stop talking like one of those MTV Jackasses," said Jasper, as Jacob ignored everything and made a beeline for a large table groaning with food.

"You are pretty," I told Jasper.

"Thank you."

"How's your vampiric experience with drink going?"

"Good. I sober up faster than normal, but on the plus side we bought enough alcohol for a small country."

"Hey. Hey. That's MY birthday alcohol buddy!"

"Yes, and if you drank all of it by yourself you would die."

"YEAH. AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT! How much have you drunken already?"

"Dru- Uh, well, I actually- There's a couple of empties…" He trailed off, and I followed his gaze until my eyes alighted upon four boxes all neatly filled with completely empty bottles that had previously boasted some of Fork's strongest liquor.

"Crikey Moses!" I exclaimed. "Who the hell drinks so much and still lives!"

"He's a vampire, duh," said Jacob, joining the conversation and spitting food as he spoke. "And what the hell is 'Crikey Moses'? Dude, you need to get some better swear words."

"Yeah," said Jacob cheerfully. "Like: Fuck You, You Felch-Sucking, Mung-Eating, Necrotic Limp-Dicked Father-Raper" Silence accompanied by shocked stares and food falling gently to the floor from the sandwich in Jasper's motionless hands. "Or… not?"

I pointed at myself. "Do you see this look on my face? That looks means you have just broken my mind."

"Okaaaaaay," exclaimed Edward, clapping his be-ovengloved hands together. "Let's play a party game!"

"Jello-shots?" I asked again eagerly.

"No, that's not a game Anna, that's alcoholism."

"Fine. Strip-Twister?"

"What? No. It's a getting to know you game."

"So is Strip-Twister!"

"ANYWAY to get to know each other a little better I'm going to ask you all to answer this question: if you were an animal, what would it be? I'd be a cat, I think. Lithe, graceful…"

Emmett rumbled. "A gorilla. They're strong."

Jasper shrugged. "A panther, because they're awesome."

Jacob made squinty eyes at Edward. "A pretty fish. Because that is totally the animal that I am and not some sort of wolf-like thing in any way ever."

I balled my fists and spoke from my soul. "A bird, so I could shit on anybody who tried to shit on me."

Long awkward pause.

Edward: "…Okay. That's a good answer too…"

Pause.

"So… that's enough getting to know you games, I think! Uh, listen, Jasper, is it okay if I move these boxes out of the kitchen into your car?" He pointed to the ones filled with empty bottles. "You can drop them to the bottle bank when you're sober enough to drive."

Jasper nodded, taking a swig out of a bottle filled with a suspiciously clear liquid that seemed to burn holes through all it touched. "Sure. Put them in the back seat. I've got a bunch of junk in my trunk... Excuse the double meaning."

Edward frowned. "Double meaning?"

Jasper snorted with laughter. "You know…I've got junk in my trunk."

"I don't get it."

"It- you-… Never mind."

"Are you talking about elephants?"

Eventually, Edward made it out to the car without any more hazardous breakages of his sanity. Unfortunately, there was now no one to make me food.

"I'm huuuuuungry," I whined.

"There's a whole table of food over there. Look. Right there." Jasper pointed out, being needlessly reasonable.

I squinted and tilted my head to the left. "Where?"

"There? Turn your- to the left. Stop looking at me. Over there. No, not on the ceiling. There's nothing outside either. There! Anna, there's a whole table of food there!"

As Jasper grabbed my head and twisted it in the previously indicated direction, I saw that there was. Jacob was still ploughing through it whole-heartedly and I was pretty sure that Emmett was passed out underneath the volumous folds of the linen table-cloth.

"Yeah…well…I wanted cooked food," I sulked, making my way to the table.

"It is cooked."

"Cooked right now!"

"Fine," a voice behind me said. "I'll cook you something."

I stopped in my tracks. "Really?"

Jacob nodded. "You're the birthday girl! You get anything you want. Now what do you want to eat. Go ahead. Pick anything."

"I want… A TACO!"

"Okay, and what do you want in your taco?"

"HOT DOGS!"

"…And on top?"

I paused. This required deep thought. "…MACARONI!"

There was a long and poignant silence, and eventually, after staring at me for almost ten seconds straight (count it out in your head – its damn long) Jacob came over to me and put his hand on my shoulder.

"Anna, first thing tomorrow we are going to the Patents Office."

"Really?"

"So very really."

"I don't think the Patent's Office-"

"Do you want to become rich, Anna? Do you want to become rich and save the world? I am offering you this today Anna. This is what I am offering you today."

"We're going to be rich?"

"So rich."

"Richer then Jesus?"

"Richer then P. Diddy."

"RICHER THEN P. DIDDY?"

"Yeah, P. Diddy will call us up to invite us to his birthday party and we'll make a tape of us saying no and making fun of him!"

"Oh my god yes."

"What do you want to name your god-like creation?"

"It shall be called… it shall be called… A Macatacohoni!"

"I think- I think you might be a genius Anna."

"I think you're right."

Jacob made the Macatacohoni. It was everything it promised to be and more.

It was a little bit later and we were all still hanging out and getting drunk like all the cool kids do. Edward had been gone a little while and, let's be honest here, this probably added to our fun.

We were mostly reading the jokes off some of the various candy-wrappers, which was funny because we were drunk, and more funny because most of them didn't actually have jokes.

I peered at the rope candy wrapper of the long gooey treat I was eating. "Twenty four inches of strawberry flavour and fun," I read.

"Sounds like a midget I used to date," Jasper said. "Heyooo!... except she was grape-flavoured."

"Inappropriate," I informed him.

"What, again? Godammit…"

"Yup, go ahead take a ticket off the dispenser Carlisle set up for you. He'll be very disappointed. You know, three more tickets and you're going to have to take the class on 'Stuff You Can't Say to People You Don't Know.' And I'll be giving it. Because I've had enough experience in this area to last me a life-time. And IT'S DONE ME NO GOOD. I thought you would have learned by now, Jasper. I thought you would have learned."

"Yeah, I know…" Jasper said glumly.

Just then, Edward did what he always does and sucked the fun out of everything ever.

He burst in through the door, looking like a bazillion puppies had pooped on all his designer shirts. "I think I found someone's secret project!" he hissed.

"Mine?" exclaimed Jasper, eyes wide.

Everyone paused.

"You have a secret project?" I asked.

"Uh… No."

Edward continued, whipping out a teeny state-of-the-art mobile phone and brandishing it for all to see. "I am referring to the phone call I just received from a certain pack of werewolves asking me if the should bring something along for the party!"

"…did you say yes?" I asked hopefully.

Edward exploded. "How could you DO this? THIS IS A TRAVESTY!"

"My uncle is a travesty!"

"No, Anna," Edward said, kneading his temples with his knuckles. "Your uncle is a transvestite. I need you to hear, not speak."

Jacob put up his hands. "Now look Edward, this is Anna's birthday. She deserves a nice big party. And all the guys have been talking about what they would do to taste your food again."

"Now, Edward!" I exclaimed enthusiastically. "Now's your chance!"

"Why?" Edward pleaded with me. "Why would you agree to this?"

I shook my head. "Sorry Edward. I'm a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in an awesome rack."

He slumped. "No. Dear Christ no. You're like a puppy that chewed up my favourite pair of shoes. You want to be angry at it, but it's clearly having a good time and it has the overall IQ of a stunned squirrel."

"Oh yeah? OH YEAH? Well, you're looking at the inventor of the Macatacohoni! WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?"

"The Maca- What- what is that?"

I told him, and he got a funny look on his face. "They let you eat that?" he said, and then turned slowly and walked out of the room.

"I think he's going to call the emergency services!" Jasper said nervously.

"BULLSHIT!" exclaimed Jacob. "He's calling the damn Patent Office! ANNA! GET IN THE VAN!"

"We don't have a van."

"THEN GET ON MY BACK!"

Right then and there, Jacob transformed into a wolf, ripping through his clothing and growing all fur and shit.

It was totally awesome.

"DUDE THIS IS TOTALLY AWESOME!" I shouted, and began to clamber on his back, because like duh, who wouldn't?

Unfortunately Jasper was all like pulling me off and "Blah, blah, blah, riding on a drunk werewolf blah, blah, violent death blah, blah blah, Edward is back, blah, blah, he only wanted to roast you some vegetables so you wouldn't die of malnutrition, blah, blah, hhhhhhhblahhhh."

God, he is SO much prettier with his mouth shut.

It seemed that Edward DID only want to ensure that I was receiving the sufficient amounts of my 5-a-day, and only left the room to procure vegetables with which to create roasted vegetable delights… with. Apparently my admission of my recent food-related history had reminded him of his duties regarding the Feed-The-Anna Protocol. Dude, if that shit broke down, international relations would get NASTY.

"So," I said, peering over his shoulder in a totally non-obvious manner.

"Yes?" asked Edward testily. Damn. How did he sense my presence? He must have freaky ninja skills or sumpthin'.

"…vegetables, eh?"

"Yes."

"Are they… SPACE VEGETABLES?"

"No."

"Oh. Well, that's good enough."

"Good."

"In fact, in fact, I'm totally going to help!"

"OhdeargodNOO!"

In one swift movement, I managed to pick up a knife, aim for a pepper and slice a fairly sizable chunk off my thumb. I was clearly aiming for the pepper. It just veered sideways. It's like the knife was defective. I mean, I'm not blaming anyone, or naming names, that's just that's what I'm thinking. The knife was totally defective. Wrong in every build and logical design. Defective. Really. No other logical explanation.

"AAAH!" I screamed. "I'm bleeding! A lot! What do I do?"

Edward assessed the situation. "First: Bleed away from me. This shirt is expensive."

"I need to go to a hospital! This might be news to you vampires, but if I keep losing blood I could actually die!"

"Oh you're fine…"

"No, you don't get it man! When you die in the Cullen house, YOU DIE IN REAL LIFE!"

Thankfully, Edward had more than a basic knowledge in First Aid – apparently due to the fact that when he was getting' jiggy with his wife he was in constant danger of killing her.

Go figure.

And APPARENTLY I only nicked the tip of my finger, and I was 'totally over-reacting'. Which is obviously what any share-holder in the company that produced those knives would want me to believe. I'm onto you Cullen. I'M ON TO YOOOUUUU!

"You know it's weird you devote so much time to this Bella chick," I told him, whilst waving my bandaged finger in the air, testing his bandaging skills. "Don't you think it might be a good idea to check out other girls… or not girls…girls who are boys…whatever…"

"Bella is my soul mate," Edward informed me while putting away the First Aid Kit. "Our love is pure and cannot be tarnished by mere events. We're meant to be together."

"I'll tell her you went off with some guy if you like, just to test her reaction to see if you could get away with it."

"She knows that any transgression from fidelity on my part must be a part of some poorly constructed ruse."

"Yeah," I said helpfully. "Or maybe she'll become a super stalker and will cut off your feet if you even look at another girl. You scoff now, but it's the second most likely alternative! SECOND MOST LIKELY!"

With a very unsympathetic shove, Edward ejected me from his kitchen once again, muttering something about having to create an evening meal now that the were-wolves were coming. Feeling sorry for myself, I hobbled out into the living room, despite the fact that the wound I sustained was to my hand and therefore had no need to hobble whatsoever.

"Anna!" exclaimed Emmett. "What happened to the poor baby?"

I felt quite good about myself for a approximately three seconds until I realized that the thing that gorilla-man Emmett was referring to as 'poor baby' was a freaky marble statue of those babies shooting arrows that he must have ripped from the immaculate lawn outside. What was it with artists shooting arrows back then? I mean really. If I had been wandering back in them days I'd have been all like: 'Yo, Infant with the Arrows. You and me gots to Talk Dawg…'

And I would use words with capital letters needlessly, just to scare my opponents.

Ooooh.

ANYWAY. What did I care that Emmett was, in this intoxicated state, speaking to an inanimate object? I would tell the crowd my tale, by gum, and become a hero for it!

"All right guys. All right. Calm down. I have a tale to tell. And I know what you are thinking. You're thinking 'Anna. You are so awesome,' but please try and stay focused because even though that is true I'm trying to tell a story."

"Anna," interjected Jasper. "Listen, now you know how I love to feign interest in your made-up adventures-"

"Yees…?" I assented suspiciously, yet enthusiastically.

"Well, I was thinking we could forgo that whole charade ."

"Yeeeeeaaaaaas…?" I repeated, with a significantly less amount of enthusiasm. I LIKED the charade.

"And maybe we could just skip to the bit where you go straight to opening your presents and cutting the cake?"

"Yes. Yes."

With reverence that was almost holy, Jasper handed me the knife, while Jacob stood by in fur covered glory, all snarly and approving of the fact that we were wbout to engage in a sugar ingesting orgy the likes of which Forkes has never seen.

I approached the cake, and raised the kni-

"Oh shit no!"

Right at that minute Jasper smelled the blood under the bandage and pounced on me, all red eyed an fang-y.

I shrieked like a bitch, of course.

"RAAAAPE!"

Just like my Daddy taught me.