Ichigo was in a bad mood for days, brooding and quiet. The knot was there constantly now, not as intense, but always there. He'd acknowledged this new part of himself, but he didn't know if he accepted it.
The thing was, he didn't know how to deal with this kind of personal crisis. This has never happened to him before. He hadn't gone through any real sort of struggle coming to terms with being attracted to Renji; falling for, dating, and eventually making love with a man. He's never felt ashamed of himself like this.
He knew about hiding parts of himself, that was true, when, in his younger teen days, he'd dealt with crippling depression and apathy for years - but that had only been to avoid burdening friends and family. There had been no element of self-disgust, of shame, of fear that someone would find out and find him disgusting and shameful too.
But the knot's there and it wasn't going away. It's the first time he'd felt this intensely awful for liking something.
Normally, he'd bury that kind of - he didn't know what to call this other than impulse, hide it away and never tell anyone. He was good at lying to people about his feelings, and the thought of so much as saying it aloud or telling Renji made him feel vaguely panicked and sick. But he can't stop, he can't stop thinking about it.
And that's the problem, because as much as he knows he should hide this and deny it till the day he died, part of him was convinced that this was just what he needed to really excite Renji - which was what he wanted to do more than ever - something out of the ordinary and risque.
Wearing something like a skirt or panties for Renji, it was just racey enough that it left the vanilla territory they'd been squarely placed in for the last four-plus years, landing them squarely in... in what. Chocolate?
'Well that's my favorite food, so...'
So there was no reason to be nervous, right? He knows he should just be brave and try to get over it, this sick feeling, but… he's scared. He's scared, and even the person he trusted most, Renji, he just couldn't tell him about this, couldn't let him know about these thoughts.
Maybe he's afraid that if he does tell him, someone else will find out, which is silly, because Renji would never embarrass him like that and tell anyone about their private life, Ichigo knows that - or maybe he's scared of the idea of opening himself up, telling Renji such a deep dark secret that even he hasn't fully come to terms with, and Renji making fun of him. The thought hurts him so badly that he doesn't want to do it, doesn't think he can.
Renji isn't cruel though, and rationally, Ichigo knows that he's scaremongering, spooking himself needlessly. Renji wouldn't hurt his feelings like that, wouldn't crush his self-esteem that ruthlessly, not if he saw how vulnerable Ichigo was making himself in telling him something that private. Ichigo knows he can trust Renji.
He just isn't over whatever this mental block is yet. He still felt unsure about going through with it. He didn't honestly think Renji would laugh at him or anything, it was just, he's never in his life thought that he'd ever do something like this, never considered it, never crossed his mind. It was weird to discover something about himself so late in life, to realize and admit that he actually felt a little, dare he say, turned on by the idea of putting on girl's panties and wearing them for his boyfriend.
When he thought of how excited Renji might get, Ichigo felt excited himself, felt more of that spark that was new in their sex life, and he hated that he was so scared - because he was. He didn't think he could take the shame of it, if he were to try it, be that vulnerable and fragile, and then be ridiculed. He didn't think he could bear it.
But the thought of Renji's happy face afterwards when they laid together, exhausted, Ichigo knew that he must do this. Because what they'd done so far had made Ichigo feel nervous during sex again, unsure and excited, the newness of it making him feel like a virgin again. And Renji - the passion in his eyes burned more intensely than ever, and the usual steady experience that he used to melt Ichigo into a puddle night after night after night after night made way for a fervor driven by instinct - wild, out of control. Ichigo's never seen him so infatuated by him, so fascinated with everything about him, about them together. He wanted to keep doing it, wanted to keep making Renji lose his composure, wanted to be able to put that look into the eye of a man who'd had sex a thousand times. He had to do this, to keep putting that tired happy satisfied look on Renji's face, to put that passionate glint, that fond and loving gleam in his eye. He'd just have to put aside his embarrassment and try his best.
'Just do it, Kurosaki. Do it for love!' He knew that it's exactly what Renji would do in his situation.
He'd just have to swallow it. He was going to blow Renji away.
A few days later in the evening, they were spending some quiet time in the living room to decompress after work. Renji was sitting at the kotatsu with a bunch of teeny tiny bits and bobs and glue and wires, making Rukia this pretty hairpin to wear on New Years.
Ichigo suspected that he was making it because Byakuya always one-upped Renji if he tried to buy her jewelry on her birthday, and last year when Renji had picked her out a sweet little bunny necklace, Byakuya'd gotten her diamond bunnies or something ridiculous like that.
Ichigo knew firsthand that Rukia derived deep personal value from Renji's presents, but it was hard to turn one's nose up at diamonds from one's precious older brother. Which was why Renji was outdoing himself, handmaking a hairpin for her, long and with lots of beautiful dangly bits. It looked pretty complicated, actually - Ichigo's been watching him carefully work on it on and off for weeks.
He lazed around on the floor nearby, idly kicking his legs in the air. He didn't want to distract Renji, but to be honest, it might be the only way he could have this final conversation, if Renji was partway distracted.
"Renji," Ichigo hummed absently, putting his arms in the air too, staring through his spread fingers. "What's a vagina look like?"
Renji looked up mildly, brow mildly scrunched as he teasingly brushed off, "Ichigo, you're a med student."
He made a non-committal noise, eyes wandering the ceiling. "There's a difference between pictures and the real thing!"
"Are you talking about the vulva, because the vagina's just the hole and the space inside. Common mistake."
"Yeah. Whatever. How's it look."
Renji hummed in consideration, tinkering around with his hairpin in silence, carefully laying out the long slender chains dangling from the end so they would tangle as he turned the pin over.
"Hmm… a flower," he said at last, as he fastened these tiny metal blossoms to the end of the pin in a cluster. "Kind of."
"How… uhh… how, how does it feel?" Ichigo asked, swallowing and glancing to Renji, who was focusing on his work mostly.
"Nice," he told him absently.
". . . I was looking for a little more than that." Renji did look up then, seeming standoffish then.
"Why are you asking me this?" He had that uncomfortable look on his face again, grimacing and glancing to his sides.
"Oh, don't act all modest now, Mister I-probably-have-kids-I-just-don't-know-about-yet!" Ichigo scolded. Renji didn't take the joke well, hunching his shoulders.
"I feel uncomfortable talking to you about my old sex life!"
Ichigo rolled onto his front and rested his head on his folded arms. "If you're worried you're going to hurt my feelings or make me jealous, don't! I brought it up on my own!"
"I feel uncomfortable all the same," Renji said hotly, looking away. "I'm not going to look you in the face and talk about others!" Fiddling around and scowling darkly, he muttered at last, "You're the one I love."
"I'm the one who brought it up!" Ichigo complained. Usually Renji didn't mind at all to talk about sex. "I was just asking! You don't have to tell me details, just-..."
Renji gave a long sigh, rubbing his brow, but agreed, "Fine." Ichigo listened attentively, propping his chin up on his hands. "It's not like… the butt, you know, with the rings…" Renji made a vague gesture with his hand, looking away in hesitance. Ichigo nodded to prompt him on.
"It's more like… I dunno', the sides are ribbed, but… soft, and it's really wet, so you slide so easy. And you can really tell when it's feeling good, because it grips, and… sucks you in."
Ichigo listened in silence. Maybe Renji was just explaining it badly, but it didn't sound so different from Ichigo's experience being on top. "Probably have to do it to know for sure," he hummed when it was clear Renji wasn't going to say anymore about it.
He watched in confusion as his boyfriend sat there trying to work on his pin and fiddled and squirmed, frowning sadly. What was wrong with him?
At last, Renji muttered suspiciously, "You're not planning something, are you?" Ichigo blinked for a moment.
"Not like that!" he sputtered when he caught on. Renji looked away with a sigh, sadness creasing his face. He pulled on his hair, letting go of the pin with his other hand to place his fist in his lap.
". . . You've been asking me about that kind of stuff a lot lately. Are you. . . " He gave a long sigh, rubbing his brow. "You're not thinking of breaking up with me, are you?"
"... What?" Ichigo whispered incredulously.
"Well you keep asking those sorts of questions." Renji finally looked at him, and his eyes were so raw and unguarded, maybe even a little scared, that Ichigo felt he'd made a mistake, prying and prodding like he had.
"You're not… having regrets that you never got more experience before we…" Renji lifted his hand and let it fall with a slap, mouth working uselessly when he ran out of words. Ichigo scooted closer, reaching a hand out along the floor to touch Renji's leg, to poke and rub with his fingertip.
"Have you been worrying about this?" Ichigo murmured, aghast that he might've kept Renji up at night over that kind of thing. He'd had no idea. Renji hadn't let on at all that he'd been worried!
"Well maybe a little…" Renji rubbed the back of his neck and let his hand reach down and cover Ichigo's, holding it in his warm grasp. "But… what should I have thought?"
"I swear, that's not what I meant by it at all," Ichigo promised softly, but gave no further explanation. "Don't be an idiot, like I'd get tired a' you," he whispered, but only because the knot had reared its head, solidifying at the base of his throat.
Renji let out a laugh through his nose, smiling and stroking Ichigo's hand with his thumb. The worry in his eyes didn't shine quite as brightly, dulling to make way for the warmth of fondness. "Thanks," he said, voice just a little wrenched, and Ichigo could see that he had worried him. "Thank you."
Ichigo squeezed his hand, feeling the knot grow even tighter when he heard Renji's voice waver, almost crack. 'If you fucking cry, I swear to god...'
Renji let out a wobbly laugh, rubbing a finger under one itchy eye, then the other. He laughed again. "I didn't think I'd get like this. Guess you really scared me." He looked Ichigo in the face and smiled, eyes crinkling.
"Damn, I'm relieved. I'm so fucking relieved."
"Stop crying," Ichigo grit out, voice like gravel in a lawnmower. "You know when you cry, I fucking cry, so stop now." Renji sniffed and laughed a little more.
"I'm not."
"Yeah sure."
"Nothing came out so I'm not!"
They sat together in silence for some time, gripping each other's hands tight in comfort. "I still don't get why you asked me this," Renji muttered at last, sniffing and clearing his throat, getting back to picking around with his hairpin baubles one-handed.
Ichigo looked up into his eyes with a solemn expression. "Do you miss it?" he said quietly.
Renji gave him a strange look, as though confused and trying to work out a puzzle written on Ichigo's face. "... Wait…" Comprehension began to move through his expression. "Is this some jealousy thing?"
"No."
"If it's not that either, then I really don't get it," Renji said, bewildered.
"I'm just wondering, since I'll probably never know."
Renji pressed his lips together, lifting his gaze. "I… I guess I do miss it, sometimes," he managed, baffled - and a second after, he looked mortified with himself for saying it, staring back down into Ichigo's eyes.
'Why are you doing this to me?' they seemed to plead. 'Why're you making me say things that'll hurt you?'
"But I wouldn't change it, I wouldn't change you," Renji rasped, sounding desperate. "I would never let go a' you, Ichi. I promise."
"I know. Sorry."
"I should be saying that to you," Renji breathed, but Ichigo knew that he was the one who'd hurt him.
'I'm the one tearing you up inside. Just because I feel insecure. Just because I can't make sense of this knot.'
They didn't talk much for the rest of the night, and despite neither being angry with the other, Ichigo couldn't help but feel that he may have damaged their relationship, may have mucked things up rather badly. He didn't know how to take this dark paranoid insecure thing out from between them. He wanted it gone.
Renji held him that night and carefully pet his hair, snuggling him close. He kissed him on the back of his neck, stroking his chest and stomach and nestling his head close behind his.
"Sorry about before," he whispered into the darkness, holding Ichigo against him. "... You were just asking and I got all upset. I'm not mad, I'm just a worrywart and a jackass."
"You're not," Ichigo denied. "And it's okay."
"It's just…" Stroking gently along his chest, Renji whispered vulnerably, "When I look at you and think about the man I was and the things I did…" Softly, he admitted, "I feel ashamed."
"Oh." Ichigo felt like he was punched in the gut by guilt. ". . . I … didn't mean to make you feel like that. That wasn't what I meant to happen," he tried.
'You've always been really open about sex, so I didn't think it would bother you like that! I didn't mean to hurt you that badly. Don't feel bad about yourself, the problem isn't you, the problem is me. . . The problem is me.'
"If I could just understand why…" Renji murmured, relaxing against him, not holding him quite so desperately close.
"I don't know," Ichigo said quietly, because how could he explain it someone else when he himself didn't understand it either. "Maybe I was curious. You know you're the only person I've ever been with."
Rubbing a firm hand through Ichigo's hair a couple times, in a less downcast voice, Renji noted, "You've never been interested in knowing about that kind of thing before."
"I know."
"So my little boy's finally grown up and showing an interest in girls, huh?" Renji teased lowly, pinching at his ticklish sides. Ichigo pushed at his hands, but not hard, just relieved that the dark mood had finally lifted. Things weren't damaged irreparably after all.
"Pff'. I'm glad you can still joke." Renji laughed in his ear, snaking his thick arms around Ichigo so he could press his body on him all down his back, his hips, his legs.
"Good boys sleep with their hands above the covers," he told him, breathed it into the shell of his ear, warm breath stirring his hair. Ichigo shuddered, lying still and eyes fluttering shut.
He brought his hands up above the blanket, growing hot all over as Renji's hands wandered steadily down. "What about you?" he wondered. "Are you bad?"
"Very bad," Renji whispered, drawing himself up on one elbow so he could kiss Ichigo's cheek. He shot him a large winning smile and then ducked under the covers.
Ichigo lay on his back and stared at the ceiling for a second, watching the rustling going on down below, felt the hot hands sliding down his body, the hot breath on his dick - and he let out a laugh.
"Huh."
He'd made his mind up. He was giving this whole thing another try, pride be damned.
