Conversations and Observations Prologue Part 7 - …And I Will Tell You Mine

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Author's Notes:

Hi everyone. If you've made it this far, then you've survived the Prologue!!!

That's right; all seven chapters are all just the Prologue. There will be more, I guarantee it.

Also, thanks for reviewing. It means a lot to me.

Just a word of warning, I've included a somewhat disturbing scene with Rei below. It's the same scene that was in the original post – and it is the reason that I put the NC-17 on this revised prologue. (Of course, the NC- 17 will be applicable in later parts as well, for this is a S/R fic) The reason I was so over-cautious with the rating was I know that many people will get quite upset with an image of their favorite 'Rei-chan' experiencing what she did.

But it's an integral and important part of the story I am trying to write. It helps explain some of her feelings, and why her attitude is the way it is. Others have had different explanations for this, but I trust that mine is quite unique. When you see the warning below, do not read unless you really –really- want to see it.

Again, I thank you for your reviews, and keep reading.

Later

PitViper

-

Rei was beginning to understand that her life, from the moment she decided to control it herself, was going to be vastly different from the way she experienced it before. Rei understood that, but didn't truly realize what types of changes this would entail.

For example, since Rei was now living with Asuka, she had to accept that the common room would have all of Asuka's belongings. That was fine with Unit 00's Pilot, since she had no belongings of her own – until today's shopping experience.

Now Rei discovered that there was something else she had to accept into her life – possessions. She now had possessions that were beyond her simple requirements. Ayanami could hardly see herself using a tenth of the wardrobe that the Major had assembled for her. But as she thought about it, she realized that she kind of liked having the choice.

This brought more questions to the mind of the First Child. Exactly how does one decide what to where when their choices are so endless? She knew one thing; she wouldn't be caught dead wearing red. Every time the major attempted to sneak something Red into her purchase pile, the blue-haired enigma simply removed the item repeating a statement she had oft-times made to others – "I dislike red."

No amount of cajoling on the Major's part could get Ayanami to change her mind on that subject. She was forced to repeat her statement twenty six times. Finally, they ran out of stores to shop – otherwise Rei would have been repeating her statement several more times. If there was anything that Rei hated more than red, it was repeating herself. It was a waste, and life was not meant to be wasted. 'But, is that not what I have done these past seven years? Waste a life that was given freely and with the hope that I would live it?' The question irritated her mind while she watched another of the changes she was forced to accept because of her decision.

She now had to accept other people into her life. Thanks to Asuka, she had a new acquaintance: Hokari Hikari. 'Because I live with another, and have feelings for Shinji, I am forced to accept this individual into my life.'

Of course, there were benefits to having friends. Shinji's friendship was a benefit, and he had things that he could show her about living life. She was sure of it. And Hokari… Rei had to admit that the smell of cooking food was intoxicating, and her ability to cook was better than Shinji- kun's. So, in order to ensure that she could properly replicate the dishes, Rei was watching Hikari prepare the food. Actually, Rei was analyzing the method that Hikari was using with incredible interest. After all, Rei did want to learn how to cook.

Fortunately for Rei, teaching came naturally to the young Hokari Hikari. Otherwise the intense interest that Rei was giving her would have adversely affected the outcome. "See Rei, just watch it closely. If the heat's too high, you'll burn it. If it's too low, it will end up too soggy." She instructed.

Rei watched the skillet before her, as she noted the sounds and aromas coming from the hot pan. "How do you know..."

"Hear that." Hikari said, "It's sizzling. But you don't smell the food burning. That's good. You'll notice that there's a small amount of water in the bottom. Every once in a while, you have to add a little more to replace what disappears in evaporation... The water helps the food cook more evenly, and creates the sauces that you serve along with the meal. If the water gets too low, you'll notice that the food starts to burn, and if the heat is too high, the little water in the bottom will begin to bubble and foam up."

Rei nodded, watching Hikari remove the skillet from the heat every so often, shaking the contents. "It takes practice, but you'll get the feel for how to keep the food in the pan." She adjusted the heat from the burner slightly, and placed the pan on the stove. "Remember, if it's too hot, just remove the pan for a few seconds, then adjust the burner. It will keep the food from burning."

Rei watched Hikari as she moved to the boiling pot of water. "Now, the food in the skillet has about seven minutes left. I picked up some instant rice. It only takes five minutes to cook. I started the water boiling," She pointed to the boiling pot, "Now I'm going to take it off the burner and put the rice in. Rice is easy, just make sure that you don't put too much water in, or let too much boil off. And remember - stir it in slowly!" She said, demonstrating how to stir in the rice. After she had the rice stirred in, she moved quickly back to the skillet, which had begun to foam slightly during the minute she had abandoned it. She added a small touch of water, and again adjusted the heat on the burner. She then put the cover on the rice. "Remember to cover the rice. The steam from the hot water cooks it."

"You used instant. But you say that it should be steamed?" Rei queried.

Hokari nodded, "If you have the time, Ayanami. When you're making something quick, this is almost as good. I still don't know how Misato-san can mess up rice." She watched the food, and then suddenly shut off the burner and lifted the pan. "Ok, now remember, the food will continue to cook while it's in the pan. Even once you've removed it from the heat. The time that it takes for it to come to an edible temperature is the time it needs to finish cooking. Wait too long and you'll end up overcooking it. The rice should steam just fine as well." She then focused on the non- vegetarian dishes she was preparing on the back burners.

Rei, however, was busy salivating over the prepared dish. She paid attention to how Hikari was preparing the other food, but noticed how good the food smelled before her.

Suddenly, Hikari asked, "Why are you a vegetarian, Rei?"

Rei suddenly lost her appetite. "It's... a bad story." Rei said cryptically.

Hikari noticed that Rei was far more pale than usual, and her eyes had focused into the distance. "It bothers you, whatever it was. Maybe talking about it might... help."

Rei sighed. "It would ruin your dinner." She said. 'The thought has already ruined mine.'

"If it's that bad... We'll talk after dinner." Hikari squeezed Rei's shoulder for a second. "I'd like to be able to call you friend, Ayanami."

The sudden squeeze caused Rei to blush, as a warm feeling passed through her. The sudden release of tension had Rei on the edge of tears, and she lowered her head in an attempt to hide her eyes from Hokari. "It was painful after I found out." 'Why did her touch elicit that response? It was warm. Do all friendships allow that feeling?' She waited a few seconds more, then raised her eyes to look at Hikari.

Hikari's gaze softened as she saw the tears in Ayanami's eyes. 'Such pain… What could have this poor girl experienced?' She turned back to her food, quickly, and made sure that the last part of the meal was proceeding properly. "You can't keep this all inside, Ayanami. It will destroy you."

"I am a fool." Rei whispered. "And I have been for a very long time."

Hikari quickly took the last of the food and moved it off the burners.

"You're too hard on yourself, Ayanami."

"No." Rei said sadly, "I am a fool because I have ignored those who would be my friends. I could have been... so much..."

Again the squeeze of the shoulder, and the warm feeling that accompanied it,

"I understand, Ayanami. It's hard, being alone. It's tough, being alone with oneself. I don't know how you ever tolerated existence in that place you lived in."

"I was too afraid to leave the familiar." Rei suddenly said. "I had control of myself in that place. I stayed, because that place was who I was. Comforting... but alone. Painfully alone. How does one get both comfort and pain at the same time?"

"When I was with mom, towards the end, I felt like that. It was painful to be with her, it hurt so much. But it was comfortable too. I felt as though I could stay in her embrace forever. But, that comfort was a lie. It wasn't comfort I felt in Mama's arms - it was familiarity. It was just that she was familiar, and that's why it caused me pain every time."

"The more I think about it, the more I realize just how inadequate words are to express everything that I feel." Rei said. "I... Just don't know what these feelings are that keep coursing through me, I cannot give them names."

"Good feelings or bad?" Hikari asked.

"Good." Rei said, a smile beginning to form. "The word friend - It makes me feel good to think that you might consider me one."

"And Asuka?" Hikari asked softly, knowing that the young woman was watching TV in the common room.

"Sad." Rei replied, her eyes becoming downcast, "Sad, that she does not feel that word applies to me. I think she sees me as competition."

"For Shinji's affections." Hikari surmised. "Everything with Sohryu is competition. She doesn't know another way." She looked at Rei, "And Shinji?"

This brought a real smile to Rei's face, "Warm!" She said, "I tingle with warmth when I hear his name. When he says that he cares about me, I tremble with delight. I forget how empty I am. The pain flees my soul. I am whole with him. He is my... my... completion. My everything." 'Why do I tell Hokari these things?'

"Rei..." Hikari cautioned, "You must temper this feeling. You could not know, because you've been isolated so long. But there's danger - real danger - in getting too involved so quickly. Your mind will begin to take things to the next step, and the next step after that... soon you will be envisioning yourself married to him, bearing his children, keeping his household..." She looked at her, "If you don't get him it will destroy you."

Rei's eyes narrowed upon her, "I...I..." She finally stopped stuttering, "How?" 'I cannot believe this; even the thought is searing pain. Have I become that blinded by these emotions I have? The possibility exists that Shinji will not choose me. I would be wrong to let it overwhelm me like that... but it already has!'

"Touji... Suzhara... I... I..." Hikari was blushing furiously, "I feel the same for him. But I will not allow it to overwhelm me, Rei. If he should refuse me when the time for that choice comes... it will hurt me a lot, but it will not destroy me. Because I understand that my daydreams and my expectations are just that, daydreams and expectations... I may not be in his heart." Hikari admitted.

"It's already too late for me." Rei admitted. She looked back towards the living area. "If I cannot be with him, I cannot be." She stared at the room for several seconds, "He has returned."

Just then the entrance bell rang, causing Hikari to jump slightly.

-

"That Shinji Ikari, he's a strange one." Mark Patterson said looking out over the Toyko-3 sky-scape. "He recognized me..."

"Really?" A man shrouded in darkness said, with a slight chuckle.

"Not that type of recognize, the type where he had seen me working with Unit 01, and had remembered me as a Technician." Mark said slyly.

"Non interference, the golden rule of our existence," The man in the shadows intoned.

Mark nodded, "Yeah." He turned his gaze back. "Mary, Elizabeth... They don't know what we know." He looked down, "Must I lose them as well?"

"Is that you speaking, or your host?" The shadow asked, suddenly very serious.

"Both." Mark replied.

"Matters of the heart are very important. Its one of the reasons we attempt to choose wisely. What you know, where you must be, these things are important. You are an observer; you watch these events so that they do not end with this existence."

"But you are Guardian - you stand in judgment..." Mark argued, only to feel embarrassment when the shadow's head drooped.

"Judgment was passed long ago. This universe is one of the chosen. We will not forsake a single sentient living creature on this world, Tar'an. But, we wait because there is always the possibility they may wipe themselves out."

"Existence is so tenuous." Mark sadly replied. "We cling to it no matter the outcome. Yet these people embrace destruction so willingly."

"They do not know the truth of that which they embrace. They are like leaves in the wind, scattered by the breeze, and carried off by the storm. They know not where they will land, or what will remain of themselves when they do."

"You know what I want, Gar." Mark finally said, forsaking the indirect approach.

"When it is time, you may remove them from the danger." The shadow replied, moving into the light to reveal itself. "How many of these universes have we seen together, my friend?" A young man replied, his uniform a matte black from shoe to turtleneck. He had American features upon his face, and eyes that seemed to shift from green to light blue in color.

"Too many, Gar. I have lost count of the times I've watched them win... and lose." Mark admitted. "Each time, I've seen the pain upon your face as well. I know you have feelings for one of them."

"It is an emotion upon which I will not act. It's just that she reminds me of Tara." The blue in his eyes deepened as a memory flashed through his consciousness.

"For how many millennia did you moon over that female?" Mark asked, a bit of gleam in his eye.

"Since the day I was... Since the day I met her in adult form." Gar Hardin replied.

"A weapons master and a poet." Mark added. "The combination was inconceivable - that's why it worked."

"Tar'an. I miss her so." Gar replied, "Not a day goes by where my soul does not long for her touch, and a tear fall for that day when she was gone."

"Then you understand..." Mark replied solemnly.

Gar looked at the young man, "When did our roles reverse, old friend?" He smiled warmly, "You were always the ancient teacher, and I always the 'little' one. Now look at us, Tar'an, you come to me for advice on the most ancient of mysteries."

"Perhaps it was that I could never solve them, even with my advantage in years, Gar." Tar'an smiled. "Mark Patterson, Tar'an Lemel. Host and symbiote, merged into one. More as a team than ever could be apart, I gave Mark life, he gave me a physical presence. In time, will Mark fade away, and Tar'an overwhelm?"

"He's always a part of you. As my host is always a part of me." Gar replied.

"And still incomplete, until I found Elizabeth." Mark responded. "How is it, from all those times before that I found her here and only here?"

"The Multi-verse sometimes gives us a reward for our existence. We must take it when we receive it. But, Mark..." He paused for the dramatic effect, "Remember, do not force them into an existence they do not want. Let them make the decision, for they are the only ones who can."

{Truth}, Tar'an replied in the ancient tongue of the Angelics, {I must leave, Gar Hardin, Weapons master of the Guardianship, protector and friend.}

{I hold those titles, but the one that means the most, is the last, Old friend. You honor me with it more than any thousand awards posted to me from the council, and I can carry it with me to the end of existence and beyond.} He smiled at Mark, {May fate find you what you seek.}

"Watch over them well, Gar. Perhaps fate will find you what you seek here as well." Mark replied. "Trust me, I know these things."

-

(AUTHOR'S NOTE: If you're squeamish... you might want to skip this part....)



























"You still wish to know why I dislike meat?" Rei asked Hikari as they dried and washed the dishes, respectively.

Hikari nodded, not meeting Rei's eyes. "I noticed that it disturbed your dinner, unless you simply didn't like the food."

"No. The food was delicious. I just have difficulty dealing with what happened to me."

"Tell me." Hikari asked.

Rei looked at her, "Do not repeat this, Please, I ask this as a friend."

Hikari nodded again, washing another dish then handing it to her.

Rei sighed, "Do not be afraid of me, Hikari."

"If what happened earlier didn't frighten me, this could hardly do so."

"Very well." Rei sighed. "I don't remember much of the circumstance, it happened when I was much younger. I remember that I had been seriously injured," Rei thought 'Death is a serious injury,' "and the procedure that they used to restore me... That Commander Ikari used to restore me was highly experimental." 'Dependant on resurrecting a soul.'

Hikari nodded, washing yet another dish.

"My first conscious thought was of hunger. Incredible, unrelenting, soul- tearing hunger consumed my consciousness. Something warm touched my wrist then my neck, and I... I didn't know or care what it was. It was... Alive. It smelled alive. I needed something..."

"Rei..." Hikari said, shocked. 'Please don't tell me this is what... I think... It is.'

"I... I... I found out later what had happened. I could only think consciously once I was sated. I remember the blood dripping from my mouth, the odd feeling of pleasure of swallowing the meat, the salty taste of the warm flesh. It was... was... a young nurse. Twenty or twenty-one years old, I didn't know much else. She had long brown hair, and green eyes. I had eaten her arm, and part of her leg..." Rei had tears in her eyes, "I couldn't stop eating though. Every once in a while, I would realize what I was eating, but the hunger overrode any conscious thought. I continued to tear at her limbs, if only because they were the most convenient to eat - they were exposed. The rest of her body was covered in cloth. Fortunately for her, she had passed out the moment I began devouring her hand."

"God..." Hikari muttered.

"They... Sedated me, of course, and managed to get to her in time to save her life. She lost the arm, and the leg, I had eaten them to the bone."

Hikari turned green.

"I... was sated after that. When next I awoke, I didn't remember it at all. Until the next nurse came in with my meal for that day. She didn't know what had happened to her predecessor, and smiled brightly at me. I guess the commander had wanted to see what my reaction would be as well... he had given the kitchen orders to prepare a rare steak. When she had lifted the cover of the plate, I immediately remembered the previous meal I had earlier. I vomited instantly." She looked at the dish dripping in her hands. "It didn't help any that I still had partially undigested... parts of her still in my stomach."

Hikari put her hand over her mouth, and felt bile rising - having visualized what had happened. She forced it back down. 'Rei truly needs a friend. I cannot run away from this.' "Why?" She asked softly.

"A drug. Experimental. Designed to accelerate my metabolic rate." Rei said, 'No need to tell her it was because the clones at that stage were far younger than my previous body. They had to use an artificial accelerant to bring me to age so that nobody would notice I had died.' "It was used to increase my healing rate. But it had a side effect... it burnt up my protein reserves. I... had to eat... when the nurse came in. Otherwise I would have died." 'Again,' Rei noted to herself.

"Rei, it wasn't your fault." Hikari said, again squeezing Ayanami's shoulder.

Rei immediately seized it within her own grasp, and pulled Hikari close to her, as tears freely flowed. "I'm sorry... so... so... sorry..."

"Shush, Rei. It wasn't your fault. It was the drug, not you." Hikari said, having gotten over the shock of being suddenly grasped by Ayanami.

"For the... First two years, Hikari, Commander Ikari never let me forget what had happened that day. But, he never told me what became of the nurse. I finally found out. He had placed her in a cell below in terminal dogma." Rei was beyond caring what secrets she told Hikari - or anyone for that matter. "He had... experimented on her. Trying to... regenerate her limbs. He was using chemicals like what was used on me... She was quite insane when I saw her next. Her eyes... her eyes were the same color as mine. And her hair had gone grey." Ayanami continued to cry. "I... I couldn't feel anything for her, except the pain of what I had done. By then, it had hurt too much, and I simply couldn't understand the other emotions... I'm so sorry."

"Is she... still... down there?" Hikari asked. Rei nodded in affirmation.

"If NERV is willing to do that to an innocent person, do what they did to our mothers... how... We're fighting for the Devil, Ayanami. No caring God would ever allow such a hideous abomination such as NERV to exist. That's why the Angels are being sent..."

"No, Hikari. The blasphemy extends far beyond that." Rei said. "But these are things the others need to hear as well. It is time for discussion."























(Author's Note: Done with the squeamish part...)

-

Shinji sat in the common room, at the new table, on a new beanbag purchased from one of the many stores they had visited that day. In his pocket was a small box containing the gift purchased for Ayanami. He also had purchased something for Asuka, but decided that he would give that gift after he gave Ayanami's. He smiled at the thought of what he had purchased for the young, blue-haired female. Instead of a cross, he had purchased a small pendant, a silver rose. He thought how the leaves captured the light and fractured it like diamond. The artistry in the small piece of silver was incredible.

Misato had grudgingly agreed, noting that he had spent most of his reserve of cash on that item - refusing to allow Misato to buy it for him. He looked up as Hikari and Rei entered the room. He flushed slightly when he noticed that Rei had been crying. She moved gently over to where he was sitting, and proceeded to become comfortable on the floor right next to him. This attracted Asuka's attention from the TV, causing an evil glare to appear for a few moments as she noticed the proximity of the two.

"The lovebirds at it again." Asuka said, unable to restrain herself.

At this, Rei looked over to Shinji, and noticed the glare forming on his face. "We had agreed, Asuka." She warned her.

"I'm not going to say anything else." Asuka said, trying to hide her displeasure.

"Good." Rei said, and got up moving to sit with Shinji on the bean bag. "Do you mind, Shinji."

Shinji had little choice as Ayanami had placed herself on him, relaxing into his warmth. "Uh..."

Rei batted her eyes slightly, and wore a grin. "I am not too heavy, am I Shin-chan?" She whispered.

"N-No, Rei-chan." Shinji replied.

"Does this closeness frighten you?" Rei asked, looking at the incredulous stare emanating from Asuka.

"N-No... But..."

"I am teaching Asuka the first lesson." She said very softly. "The sooner she faces it, the better off she will be."

"But..." Shinji argued, noting the stare from Asuka was quickly turning to anger.

"You like me, I can tell. But this is to provoke a reaction." After saying this, Rei again whispered, so softly that no one but Shinji could hear. "In her, not you."

"YOU!!!!" Asuka shouted, demonstrating said reaction.

"Do you wish to sit here, Asuka?" Rei asked, looking at the livid Asuka, "I am Shinji's friend. There is no problem when friends sit together."

"But..." Asuka stuttered.

"Do you not wish to experience warmth, Asuka?" Rei asked, "I know I do. I cannot tolerate being alone anymore, can you?"

"But...But..." Asuka stuttered some more.

At this Kaji and Misato had re-entered the room, looking at the situation. They stayed in the background out of sight of the children.

"Shinji is warm. Hikari is warm. I am warm when I am around others. When I am alone, though, I am cold. Are you not cold, Asuka?" Rei asked.

"C...cold..." Asuka muttered.

"It is not wrong to want warmth, Asuka. We all seek it. Warmth is good. That which feels warm is good. Being warm to others, that is good." Rei instructed.

"But... He... He is a boy." Asuka stuttered.

Rei looked at Shinji, "So he is." She looked back at Asuka, "Does it matter?" She looked at Hikari. "Is it better that I get warmth from another source? Where do you get warmth? Who do you hold close when you are afraid? Shinji is a human being. He has warmth, and shares it readily. Do you share your warmth?"

Hikari got the message. Rei was assaulting Asuka's well built up shell: that barrier which Asuka Langley Sohryu used to push everyone and everything away. "Asuka-chan, don't you see, it's all we have... we have to take what we can get. Rei isn't doing anything wrong right now..." 'But if she keeps it up, Shinji's going to get a very wrong idea of what 'warmth' Rei is trying to convey.'

Suddenly, Rei rose from Shinji's bean bag, and moved to where Hikari was sitting. She demurely sat beside the young Hokari. Rei's hands were clasped together as if in prayer. "Does it matter? I feel warm when I am with Shinji. I feel warm when I am with Hikari." 'They are different, but it does not matter for friends.'

Shinji got up, and moved next to Rei. "I... I feel warm when I am near Rei. I feel warmth when I am near Hikari; I feel warmth when I am with Touji and Kensuke... They are my friends. Do you not feel warmth when you are with Hikari, Asuka?"

Asuka's lower lip trembled. "But..."

Rei touched Hikari's hand gently. Hikari rose, and moved to sit next to Asuka.

"I feel warm when I am near you, Asuka-chan." Hikari said, "We all need others to live."

"I can survive on my own!" Asuka said violently, backing up slightly from Hikari. "I don't need anyone!"

"I am I. There is more to me than me, though, Asuka." Rei said. "There is more than one Ayanami Rei. There is the Ayanami Rei within me that observes the physical Ayanami Rei. Then there is the Ayanami Rei that exists within Shinji. As there are multiple Ayanami Rei's, there are Multiple Ikari Shinji's. I have one within me. The Ikari Shinji within Rei Ayanami. As there are multiple Sohryu Asuka's. There is an Asuka within me as well." Rei looked at Shinji, "I am defined by these views of others within myself, as I am defined by the views of others outside myself. Without others, I am nothing. I am empty, I am cold. I have no purpose or meaning. I do not exist."

Shinji spoke next, "I have a Rei within me. As I have an Asuka, and a Hikari and a Touji. There is even a Kensuke within. They are my perceptions of those around me. They change with the perceptions of others. They are real, as the Ikari Shinji within each of them is real. I am defined by these realities, and they define me. I am whole when I am with others, for the other-within becomes more complete. I have an Asuka- within, as you have a Shinji-within. Does it not make you feel better to know that I am here? Does it not make you warm within to know that there is a part of me with you? A part that cares about you."

"Nein, Nein, Du bist... Bist..." She shook her head, "Dumbkopf. Ich Habe... I habe... nicht... Ich... Ich bin... nicht." Asuka began to cry. 'I cry. I cannot cry. Not like this...'

"As Shinji and Rei each hold a piece of us within them, I too hold pieces of them within me. As I hold a piece of you, Asuka-chan. Asuka-within is not this cold, secluded being that is before me. Asuka within is my friend, and makes me warm as she is completed. See me through the eyes of Hikari-within, Asuka-chan. All that which is me within you to see you, to speak with you. I can help you, Asuka, if you let me." Hikari moved closer to Asuka.

Asuka's blue eyes leveled on Hikari. "You... you... you can't mean that. There..."

"I care for you, Asuka." Hikari declared, "not because I have to, or because someone told me to, but because you are my friend."

Rei stood, and sat by Asuka, "Could I touch you, Asuka, if I did not care. Know that I do care. I care because it causes me pain to see you hurt. If you cannot believe that, then believe that I care because it causes Shinji pain to see you hurt." She placed her hand on Asuka's shoulder, "But... that is not truth. I care, Asuka. Believe it or not, that is truth."

"You're just... just... a doll..." Asuka said through tears.

Tears touched Rei's eyes, and she suddenly hugged Asuka. "Then if I am a doll, take comfort in the fact that I am simply here, now. Take me, and place your pain within me. A doll cannot be hurt by such things. I would rather that I be a receptacle for your hurt than to continue to see it held within you, Asuka. I recently found out that holding such pain within can only hurt you more than releasing it. I know that I am not considered by you to be a friend, but, please, Asuka, for your sake, do not continue on this path." She looked into Asuka's eyes. "This is for me... for Shinji... For Hikari... and perhaps most of all, for you."

Asuka stared back, and saw the pain within there, "Not doll's eyes." She said. "Not anymore." She looked deeper, "Why?"

"Because you hurt. We are what we are. I am I. I was alone, therefore I was in pain. I will give anything to be free of that pain now that I know what causes it. I refuse to be alone. I am Shin-chan's friend. Let me be yours as well." Rei hugged Asuka again, feeling some of the previous tenseness release. "You ask why, Asuka Langley Sohryu? I do not know your pain... no one but you knows exactly what you feel. But I have my own pain. It hurts so much sometimes that I cannot see past it. Yet I try. Will you say that you are willing to do less? One cannot keep such pain within themselves. It will destroy you. It would destroy any one or any thing. Accept me as your friend, Asuka. Do not be alone within yourself. Please."

Asuka felt a hand grasp her own. "Let me be your friend as well, Asuka. Rei is right. Seeing your pain fills me with sadness. Your hurt causes me pain, because the Asuka within is hurting as well. I treasure the Asuka within me... it is the only piece of you I can talk with. I cannot exist without it." Shinji kneeled by the redheaded girl. "I-I don't know if we'll ever be friends, Asuka. But, Asuka, Rei is my friend. She is precious to me, as you are. I care about you. Doesn't that make you feel warm inside."

"Baka, Shinji," Asuka said softly. "Don't you know what you do to me?"

"I know, Asuka. But you refuse to face it. If the Asuka-within Asuka cannot see it, then you cannot see it. If you continue to fight Truth, you will be destroyed by it." Shinji said. "Truth is that one cannot exist alone."

"I am I. But I am we, and together we are whole." Rei repeated. "That is the culmination of humanity. It is what can be referred to as Instrumentality."

Kaji gasped, as he looked at Misato. 'No. She couldn't mean...'

Rei continued. "First Impact. The shattering of that which was god. First impact was not the creation of man. Nor was it the creation of the Earth or of the Solar system. It was the creation of the universe. First impact was the thought that set everything in motion. It was the beginning."

At this, Shinji's head popped up, "Second Impact. Man's attempt to recreate god - the reawakening of the power that created First Impact." 'How did I know that?'

"It was more than that, though." Rei said, glancing at Misato-san who had frozen in place. "Second Impact wasn't just the attempt to recreate god, it was the attempt to capture him. Man's ultimate triumph over the universe. They rush in where Angels fear to tread. In so doing, they call down upon themselves the fury of the Angels who guard this world - not because of the attempt, but because they succeeded."

"But they did not capture god," Asuka said, somehow knowing. "They captured an Angel."

"Deeper, Asuka-chan." Rei encouraged.

"They were not attempting to capture an angel... they attempted to capture the soul."

"Correct." Rei confirmed. "More than that, they wanted the power of genesis. The power that created man. But they got even more than that. They got a second angel.

"Second Impact was an intentional product of man. They did it to themselves willingly. The Super-Solenoid theory, the S2. The theory that drives the core of an Angel. The attempt to harness the power of creation. Second Impact would have destroyed the world, if not for the intervention of the Second Angel." Rei lectured, sensing the anger emanating from the hidden Misato.

Misato stepped forward, "NO! Not true. That thing destroyed them."

"Do not lie to yourself, Misato-san. You know better than any of us. The energy that permeated Antarctica... the energy of the Second Angel, is bound within you." Rei stated softly.

"No!" Misato backed away, "NO that thing destroyed everything."

"It saved you." Rei insisted. "He saved you."

"My father put me in that escape pod!" Misato shouted.

"And the Angel sensed your purity, and used his remaining strength to cast you out to sea, and infused you with life-force, to keep you alive. The rest were destroyed when the Angel used himself to eliminate the experimental S2 engine." Rei informed her. "During the two years that you were incapacitated, they siphoned that life-force, and learned how to control it. For one moment, they had the secret. SEELE had the secret. SEELE created Second Impact to gain the powers of a God. But they learned of something else. Something more powerful."

"Artificial Evolution." Kaji said, "The forced evolution of humanity through Instrumentality."

"I am I. But I am we, and we are complete." Rei stated yet again. "The individual parts all brought together to make a whole. It is the beginning of the universe..." Rei stated. "That is Third Impact. The binding of humanity through Instrumentality."

Suddenly Shinji blanched. "It will destroy everything. We will no longer exist."

"Yes." Rei replied sadly. "We return to that from which we came. We become one, and when we do, the cycle begins again - from scratch." Rei said a little more, "The power to stop it exists in only a few. But they are also the only ones with the power to cause it."

"Why would my father do such a thing!" Shinji shouted.

"He believes that if enough of the pieces are brought back together... that he will be able to get the only piece he would be complete with. His completion is the soul trapped within Unit 01." Rei replied softly.

"Mother?" Shinji said, "He wants mama back?"

"Yes." Rei said, downcast. "He's willing to sacrifice everything to get to her."

'No.' Shinji told himself. 'It stops here.' "It is a cycle, Ayanami. We are trapped in an endless loop."

"Yes. When history is destroyed, everything repeats. Not precisely in the same order, but close enough." Rei added. "How many times this scene has played itself out, who knows? But it's not going to help us to do what we've been doing."

"This... Have we done this before? I have felt so with other things, but not this..." Shinji replied.

"I don't know, Shin-chan." Rei said sadly, "We cannot know, more than a feeling. Deja Vu. The feeling of repetition. I do not feel it, but it may still be there none the less." Rei sighed, "And it matters not whether or not this particular instance is repeated. It is Instrumentality that is the key."

"Instrumentality... SEELE wants that, don't they?" Kaji asked, moving into the light. "You are the Instrumentality project. You are..."

"Yes." Rei cut him off. "Time for truth will be with us shortly, Kaji- san."

"Rei." Shinji said, "Whether you think I'm ready or not, we have to stop father. I need to know. Everything. What did he do to you, Rei?"

"For one moment they had captured the power of Genesis. They had been trying for years, but now they knew everything. Artificial Evolution. The power to force a premature change in the Human Evolutionary path. Yet, in that moment of clarity, they discovered something terrible. They only had half the needed components. They could create Corpum Eternum. They could not, however, infuse Corpum Eternum with Spiritum Eternum. So, noting this general lack of ability, an evil thought entered their minds.

"Fuse Corpum Mortalis with Spiritum Eternium. Take the soul of an Angel, and fuse it with the body of a mortal. But for this they needed a _willing_ subject. An angel who would do literally anything to leave behind the torment of immortality. None of the Angels we have battled are truly dead. They cannot truly die. Their physical forms may be destroyed, but that which is them, their energy, still exists.

Rei looked at them all, "So, what Angel do you know that would be willing to surrender that eternal existence for a mortal form?"

"No, Rei, no... Not that." Misato started whimpering. "Please, Rei, don't say..."

"I am I, but who am I?" Rei asked, watching Misato shudder. "What is the Angel that sacrificed immortality to exist in this body, do you have the answer?"

"Don't you know?" Kaji asked, a questioning look upon his face.

"I have forgotten. I don't know." Rei admitted. 'For sure, that is.'

"There is only one." Kaji said. "It's big, white, and hanging from a cross in Terminal Dogma. But that makes no sense... Why would they try to take Adam's soul and put it in Rei..."

"That," Rei said, causing Shinji and Asuka to shudder, "Is not Adam. I am not Natus-de-Adamo." She practically spat the words, "I know what I am not."

"If you are not..." Kaji said. "If that is not the father... then it is the... Mother!"

"The mother?" Misato asked, quivering. "The Mother! That isn't Adam. Its... Oh my god, that's worse. God didn't destroy Antarctica."

Shinji looked at Rei, "What are you talking about."

Rei looked down sadly at Shinji. "I was created. This body, this form. It is... a creation. A container designed to hold a soul. A special soul, one willing to enter it. I was created from an Angel, and the..." She looked at Kaji, "The remains of Ikari Yui. I am..."

"Lillith." Misato spat out.

"I have a name." Rei whispered. "And I know it is mine."

"You were created... from... Yui... My mother..." Shinji stared into the distance for a while, then looked back at Rei's face. "I know now why father kept no pictures."

Rei felt tears stinging her eyes, as she remembered. 'Is this what I feared. But he shall not forsake me because of where my soul is from. He will forsake me, not because I am the soul-spirit of Lillith, but because I am... from his mother.'

"Are... Are you my sister?" Shinji asked Rei softly.

"No, Shin-chan." Rei assured him. 'Not that I know of.'

Kaji became angry at Rei, "Don't you dare misguide him! Not in this, you bitch!"

"I am not his sister, nor am I his mother!" Rei shouted back at Kaji.

Misato simply shook her head. "What do you mean?"

"He took her appearance and gave it to me, but I do not accept that I am Shinji's relative. I can't accept it, because I love him!"

"Lillith knows nothing of love! Shinji, do not trust this Half-breed psycho..."

Suddenly, Shinji was up in Kaji's face. "NO! Stop, do not _ever_ say such things about Ayanami! She is... is not my mother! She was not given a choice in what she was. Her soul is not Mother's. Mother's soul is in Unit 01!" That truth hit Shinji, but made him stronger. "Father made her, and it was a creation spawned in hell... but that is not what Ayanami is. Rei is a beautiful person. I cannot believe that her soul is nothing but good. I feel her warmth..." He looked back at Rei. "You are not terrible, Rei. As I said, there may be things that I do not like, this is one of them. But... I love you, Rei. I do not feel my mother when I look at you. I see only Ayanami Rei. I do not see an Angel when I look at you. I see a beautiful young girl, not a monster sent to destroy us."

Rei blinked several times. "Love... Me?"

"Yes, Rei-chan. I love you." Shinji said. Then looked at Asuka. "But... I love you, too, Asuka. I.... I..."

"It's alright, Shin-chan." Asuka said, a small, sad smile on her face. "I am willing to accept whatever love you can give me." 'He loves me.' Asuka thought. 'This is not over yet.'

Rei suddenly looked down, "There is more, Shin-chan. You do not know the full extent of my pain. Of my sin. Of... me. I am I. But I am We. And we are all Ayanami Rei. I cannot die."

"Because you are half-angel?" Kaji asked, impertinently.

"No. This shell is mortal. But is simply a container. I traded Corpum Eternum for Mortality. But I was cheated by Ikari Gendo." Rei replied cryptically. "It is why I am called 'First Children'."

"What..." Shinji said. 'I have often wondered why they called me, 'Third Children''

"I am I. But I am many. There are many of me. Clones. Sisters." Rei said sadly. "We are Ayanami Rei."

"What!" Misato screamed. "We... you mean..."

"You have heard of the dummy plug?" Rei asked Misato.

"No... Not that." Misato said suddenly.

"Only The Children can pilot Eva." Rei informed them.

Misato shook her head, "It's an autopilot. It's..."

"Clones, Misato-san. Created by Doctor Akagi. She... connects me to the matrix every few days. I am I. But I becomes 'We'. In the end, we are all Ayanami Rei. The dummy system, when it connects with a piloted plug, overrides it remotely. But... when the dummy plug is inserted, it is not a simple thing. The dummy plug itself must contain... a dummy... or it will not be accepted by the EVA.

"The dummy has no soul. It knows only what it is told to do. What it is programmed to do. It fights with the hunger I had when I had reawakened from my first..." Rei stopped suddenly. Then decide to continue. "I ask your forgiveness, Hikari. When you asked the question after dinner, I was not entirely honest with you. I told you that I had been... revived. What I omitted was that I was revived from a state of death. I was dead, Hokari. They brought me back, and when I awoke, the accelerated growth hormone combined with my confused state... to cause what I explained earlier."

"Oh...Rei...No..." Hikari said. 'I would have rather stayed dead.'

"What did you tell Hikari here, eh Rei?" Kaji said with a smile. "Probably something that you wouldn't want your dear Shin-chan to know."

"Stop." Rei commanded.

"Oh no. I have kept my word." Kaji said.

"Truth." Shinji said. "I am not afraid as long as it is truth, Rei. I can accept it as long as its truth."

"It is... disturbing." Rei admitted.

"Truth" Shinji said, this time with a touch of anger.

"I am the Second Rei. When I awoke, I was more... Angel than human." She explained her first conscious experience as Rei II to the group.

After a few moments, where it appeared that even Misato was ready to use the facilities, Rei watched as Hikari again leaned her head against her body, hugging her in an attempt to comfort.

Shinji quickly joined in. "You were not you at that time, Rei. It wasn't your fault. It was my father's."

"That's the experiment being held in room 1138 in Terminal Dogma." Kaji said sadly, "I wondered why a nurse would be listed as an experiment related to Rei."

Asuka, however, was thinking about something else. "I want to see."

The group turned to her.

"I want to see. To see the Angel. To see Rei's room. To see the dummy system. We should all see. I want the truth, and I want it through my own eyes." Asuka stated.

"Dangerous..." Kaji informed. Misato, however, didn't share the sentiment.

"Damn them all straight to hell! I want the truth too. I was used. Rei was used. Asuka and Shinji were used. He'll we're all being used by SEELE and Gendo." Misato stomped her foot. "This week, it's going to be training alright. We're going to become the best damn covert ops team this planet has ever seen."

"NO!" Kaji said.

"Whisper a word about any of this, Kaji-san, and I'll personally send you straight to hell." Misato threatened.

"If Misato-san doesn't I will!" Shinji exclaimed.

"You know my feelings." Rei replied.

"I'll hate you forever, Kaji-san." Asuka replied.

They all stared at Hikari when it became obvious that she wasn't chiming in with the rest.

"I'm not a pilot. I... would be... a burden if I am involved." Hikari noted. "My family…"

"We understand." Asuka said.

"Yeah." Misato echoed. "You're welcome to stay or go as you please."

"Thanks," Hikari said. "The less I know about... what you plan... the better. I should leave now."

"Of course, Hokari." Shinji said. "When we're done, we'll... let you know."

"I think I'll know anyways." Hikari intoned, 'One way or the other.'

--

Author's Notes:

Well… Five days to rewrite 42,000 odd words. Well, not every word was changed. But they were all looked at, again. This is the end of the Prologue. Congratulations, you have survived one of my expressions of Evangelion to this point… Can you take the rest? Do you really want to explore the light and substance that forms a small part of the mind of PitViper?

If you do, the series will be continued in the original posting of Conversations and Observations. This revised story will be reassembled into the chapter that it was originally intended to be, and all future posts will occur to the original post. I expect future segments to come about once every one to two weeks. With a chapter being completed in a two month timetable. (This means I should have chapter 3 done by the time I'm done posting chapter One!!!) The buffer is in case Ye Ole Writers Block strikes… Long ago I made a promise to myself. I will never force text onto a page. If it doesn't come out on its own, it won't come out at all. Unfortunately, no-one has come up with an enema for Writers Block yet…

I am going to leave Conversations and Observations (Revised Prologue) up here. The Author Notes in between each segment show the thoughts and observations I've made while re-writing this story. Also, I don't wish to lose the reviews that this segment has received. ;-)

Well, I guess I better get this posted. No telling what can happen in the next few days, hours, minutes… seconds? You never know.

Remember, Keep Reviewing. I'll be checking often.

Later,

P.V.