Finding My Way- The 500lb Gorilla

Kissing him feels so right, his lips make mine feel like there on fire. I bring my arms up and wrap them around his neck bringing him closer to me. His body responds to mine, wrapping his arms around my back pulling my body into his. His words, 'I still love you Lux' keep repeating in my head. He still loves me, and thinks about me, and right now that's all that matters to me. It feels so good to have him this close, to be able to kiss him without there being anything wrong about it, without there being any barriers that would make it 'illegal', without anything to stop us. My final thought brings me back to reality as I begin to pull away from him, were both breathing heavily as we bring our foreheads to rest against each other.

"We shouldn't be doing this," I say with a sigh, "This is wrong Eric, really wrong" I pull away from him and walk over to the balcony doors looking out the glass doors to the city. I can't look at him right now; I can't believe we just did what we did. I never thought Eric Daniels would be the type of guy to betray his wife, and I never thought I would help him do it. I look at his reflection in the glass, he's leaning on the counter with his head in hands, he still looks like the same Eric I once knew, he's still the guy I feel in love with all those years ago only difference now is that he's married.

He looks up from his hands and sees me staring at him through his reflection with a sadness in his voice he speaks, "If you think this is wrong, then why did you come here?" he's asking me a question I don't know how to answer, 'because you still love him' my head screams at me and he needs to know that.

"Because of you," I say softly, "because I wanted to see you, because I've missed you." I turn around to look at him, "Because for the last 6 years the first thought on my mind when I woke up every morning was you, and the last thought in my mind before I went to bed was you." My voice now rising, as the anger that I've also been holding for the last 6 years escapes, "Because every time I got an A on an English paper the first person I wanted to tell was you! Every time I didn't understand something, or I needed help the first person I wanted to go to was you, because no matter what was going on with my life for the past 6 years my mind has always gone back to YOU." Taking a deep breath, I don't know where all of this is coming from, and I probably shouldn't have said it all to him right now but he needs to know, lowering my voice I then add, "Because I still love you too."

Eric straightens himself from his position at the counter and begins to walk towards me stopping a few feet away waving his hands around as he speaks, "If that's what you think, If that's what you feel then why is this wrong?" anger rising in his voice. I can't believe he's asking me this question! How can he NOT see how wrong this is? "Why is what we're doing wrong Lux? You're not 16 anymore and I'm not your tutor." I make eye contact with him for the first time since the kiss. He's so angry and his eyes reflect that, but inside I also see so much sadness. "Lux, nothing is stopping us. Nothing is stopping us from wanting to be together now." Eric says softly, all of his anger seems to have vanished in his last statement.

I close my eyes absorbing what he's saying, what we're doing, what we've done, it feels so right just like it used to; but also just like then what we were doing is wrong. A ringing interrupts my thoughts; I open my eyes to see Eric going over to the counter to answer his phone.

"Hey Will" he answers cheerfully. Who's Will? Not wanting to interrupt his conversation I walk back over to the photo wall and begin looking at pictures. I'm trying to ignore the conversation that's going on behind me when my eyes fall on a picture of him in a tux with Alison and another man all standing together. The guys have their arms wrapped around her and their making a funny face. The picture makes me smile instead of feeling sad inside. I guess he's really happy with her, or at least that's what this picture shows.

I move my eyes onto another picture when his voice comes through my thoughts "I don't know if I'm going to be able to make it out tonight man, something's come up" I hear him tell 'Will', 'yea I'm that something' I say to myself. "No, nothing like that it's just something that I need to deal with. I dropped Michael off at Mom and dad's earlier." 'Well that explains who Will is, it must be his brother.' The thought occurs to me. Turning my attention back to the wall, the next picture my eyes land on is a black and white photo of Eric holding a 'burrito'; the picture was taking on the day of Michael's birth. He looks like a natural holding him, just like he did today in the parking lot, he looks proud. A wave of guilt falls over me, as I say to myself "I shouldn't be here I going to mess things up for him. I don't want to break up his family." Reaching my hand out I touch the picture of him and Michael, as tears start to slip down my cheeks.

I feel his hand on my shoulder, "Lux" his voice softly penetrates my thoughts. "Lux what's wrong?" Oh god how can he seriously not know? I open my mouth to speak but I find myself choking on my words, I need to point out the 500lb gorilla in the room, I lift the picture off the wall and turn around, handing it to him. "This, This is what's wrong."