The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Chapter 6: Esther
Methos: "I know she's dying. You are ALL dying. Twenty years, six months, what's the difference."
(Highlander: TV series - from episode 'Timeless')
Bronze Age – ca. 1700 B. C.
I had to restrain myself from not rushing out of Kronos' tent the same furious like I felt as when I rushed in before, although, I would have loved to take flight from him as quickly as possible.
If he would have forced me to stay for just one more moment, all my well-thought-out plans would have been undone, because, regardless of the fact, that it most probably would have been me losing my head, I would have tried everything to free the world from my 'beloved' brother.
Instead, I strayed through our camp within the sparse light of a waning moon, forcing myself to concentrate on something different. I had to find Esther – at any cost.
Without knowing that he did me a great favor, Kronos told me, where I had to search for her and I hoped I would not err. I never believed in finding her with Caspian – Kronos knew me too well and was supposed of having made a guess how this possibly could have ended – and therefore only one place remained where I had not searched for her up till now.
The foot of the cliffs.
Had I really been such a fool? I should have searched for Esther at the cliffs from the first moment when I returned. Instead, I got myself in danger again while facing Kronos. Like a stupid boy, not knowing what life was about.
Well, as it seemed, it was, that not even those nearly two thousand years I had survived as yet, were able to spare me from making errors. Stupid errors, endangering the only person having a true meaning to me, having presented me with her warmth and her love. In a place, where just a sword was able to save your life – if at all – or a smart mind.
Without wasting more thoughts on it and without hesitating any longer, I started running over to the cliffs – despite the fact that I was hardly able to spot anything around me and ignoring those curious eyes which were supposed to watch me.
I hastened along the steep coast, very well aware, that one single step could be more than enough to let me fall down the cliffs and end up amongst the sharp-edged rocks. Of course, it was not important for I would not die from it – at least not permanently – but I was neither fond of undergoing the moment of the clash nor of the moment where life would leave me. Not to mention the painful awakening after a not less painful dying.
"It must serve some kind of purpose", I told myself, while in front of me the rocks showed up, I wanted to find.
Despite the darkness, I felt myself surrounded by, I needed not long to find out, that Esther wasn't there.
That was why I peered over the edge of the cliff – and stood rooted to the ground.
Far below, I recognized the flickering light of about a handful of torches, which got stuck within the smooth sand of the beach and arranged in a ritual semicircle. In front of them cowered a small figure – motionless and supposedly untouched by the nightly cold.
The dancing flames spread the whole place with bizarre shadows and soused the lonely figure in its white clothes with a hint of warmth...
But stop!
White? Was it really white?"
Since I came across Esther for the first time, when I found her at the oasis, there hadn't been a single day where I had noticed her being dressed in white – and within in just a split second I got aware, what it was, she wanted to do at this place and at this hour.
In front of her, in the sand, something else glinted within the flickering light.
A blade...
"No!"
I did not think about ifs and buts, but jumped, stumbled and slid down the narrow and steep path leading to the beach, while the same time I pleaded to all the known gods coming to my mind for letting me be with her in time to keep her from doing what she doubtlessly had in mind to do.
Totally out of breath, my hands and face covered with scrapes and scratches I finally reached the cliff's foot.
It was really Esther, who knelt in the sand and I was glad, that she wasn't supposed of having heard me – the constant sound of the waves rolling ashore absorbed every other sound more quiet than itself.
Only hesitating – step by step – I dared to approach her, willing and determined to keep her from accomplishing her inscrutable plan...
"Esther!"
Totally affright, she turned round and faced me, her gaze a mixture of scare, desperation and pain and I came to realize, that I did not err.
She wore a plain dress made of white linen, a small golden belt wrapped round her waist. Her wrists and ankles got adorned with heavy golden bracelets and her arms with golden clasps formed like snakes. Her neck was grazed with a broad necklace made of jewels and for the first time ever I saw her wearing filigree earrings. Her eyes were surrounded with kohl and in front of her, in the sand, lay the cut off strands of her once long black hair.
Her eyes widened when she got aware, that I was not the one she obviously had expected.
Esther breathed a sigh of relief and the pain and the desperation shown within her eyes replaced the scare, but all she did when she recognized me was shaking her head.
No word, no smile no gesture to welcome me. Nearly as if it caused her even more pain to see me right here and right now...
"Why?" I asked her, not willing to give in that easily, if I had to fight for her love and her life.
It was true, I had not been able to spare her from all she had suffered as long as I had been away, but this time I would not provide Kronos with getting his satisfaction while watching me giving in.
A ship waited for Esther and me and I had not in mind to let it set sail without her and me being aboard.
She beheld me intently while her lips formed my name soundlessly.
Slowly, she got up and made some steps towards me until she suddenly stopped shaking her head: "Why did you come here? Why did you come back?" She gave me a tired smile and went on: "You should have left as long as you had been able to..."
"Leaving you behind?"
"There is no other chance for you! Leaving together! It was a wonderful plan! A sweet musing! A beautiful dream! Have you really ever believed in it? In a dream like that possibly coming true?"
"I always did! I still do!"
"You still do? Then you're much more a fool than I thought you to be when I first met you."
"Maybe!"
She did not give me a reply, but turned away. For a while, she just stood there, lost in thoughts, staring at the waves until she finally explained: "You have to forget me!"
"How could I?"
"You have to! Don't you listen to me? I cannot come with you! Not after all that happened..."
"Esther, less than three days afar from here anchors a ship. The Captain promised, he would wait for us and I won't make one single step aboard without you. Don't you understand...?"
I saw her struggling against herself, torn between her wish for living and her want to forget about the shame Kronos did to her.
She looked at me, tried to keep her tears from running down her cheeks: "And what about you? Don't you want to understand? I still feel it! Every day! Every night! Relentlessly forced down on his bed, at the mercy of his edacious touch, every spark of resistance wiped away by another slap, the pain when he forced himself into me..."
She turned her gaze away: "But why am I telling you all this? Of course, I should know, you're very well aware of what is meant and how it feels, aren't you?"
Resignation sounded within her voice nothing else. Neither accusation nor disgust.
And she was right. I knew how it felt to take, what I desired. I had relished it much too often. Not having wasted a single thought, if those, I forced into my bed to sate me, wanted it or not.
I had not been different from Kronos neither within thinking nor within acting. Maybe I had even been the worse one, because my face never seemed to match my deeds.
There was no way back to undo it and I would have to live with all those memories as long until someone would take my head one day, but until it was as far as, I would not suffer that Esther wanted to end her life here and now: "You're much stronger than him! Prove me to be right and him to be wrong!"
"Methos, equal what I might be able to do, equal what you might be able to do, he will never let us escape."
"I do not have in mind to ask for his permission! Tomorrow night we will leave all of this behind. All you have to do is to want it!" She stood there, in front of me, shivering from the nightly cold, a small and slender figure, the love I never wanted to lose no matter the cost: "Listen to me, the time we will have for spending it together will be much too short anyway. Don't end it before we already gave it a try."
"My life was over when you found me at the oasis! You know, it's useless to deny it. You know, that it is the truth! Even, if you decided not to make me your slave or to take me as your prisoner. It's just your decision. To Kronos there is no difference, if I'm your slave, your prisoner or your lover. He expects you to share the prey, your prey, with him and he showed me the meaning of it..."
I took a deep breath and locked eyes with hers: "Have I ever told you about Cassandra?"
I inwardly thanked Esther for not interrupting me while I told her about Cassandra and what I did or better what I did not when it came to share the prey. The memory of said night, so many years ago, still hit me without any warning and I knew, I neither would find an explanation for what I did to her nor would there ever be an excuse.
If there was something left for me, it was the realization, that, without having crossed paths with Cassandra, I would still be the one I had been back then, and that, without crossing paths with her, I would have done the same to Esther what I did to her and so many others.
It was too late, now, to ask for forgiveness with Cassandra, but it was not too late to save Esther...
"Now you're aware, who I really am, now you're aware of what I used to do! No more guesses, no more stories. There is only one wish left – I want to be someone different, but how can I, if I will suffer you to..."
"You loved her, didn't you?" Esther asked with a knowing smile.
It was an easy question, but I had not the slightest idea how to answer it, because, there had never been a chance to find out, because, it was over before I could have spent a thought on it.
That was why I replied: "I don't know! And if it had been love, I had not been aware of what it was. The truth is, I desired her, I cared for her and I betrayed her..."
"She's of your kind. You can still make a try to find her, to find it out."
"No! No chance! Before she would listen to me, she would take my head. By all means..."
Esther just beheld me with a smile and said: "If fate is merciful, you will live forever. Time's able to make a lot of mistakes forget. Maybe she will forgive you someday."
"Could you?"
"I already did! Having forgotten about it?"
"No!" I grasped her hand and dragged her over to me: "I know, you did, but I'm still confused, because I don't know, why you did it."
"Don't ask about the why. I did and I would always do it again."
She smiled and her fingers caressed my cheek – and due to this tiny little touch, I desperately felt, what it would mean to me, if I would lose her...
"If you would then do not leave me! Come with me! You cannot have forgotten, what you told me just a few days ago! Your dream of living in another place! Equal, where and when! Together with me! Equal, how much time we might have together..."
"What kind of life is this supposed to be...?"
I dared to shoot her a grin: "A life together with me..."
"Methos..."
"Always on the run..."
"Methos!"
"A life, where we will own nothing but each other."
Esther tore me out of my sweet dream: "What, if I will not be able to forget? What, if it will destroy us?"
"I will never allow it! Got me? Never!"
"Why are you that certain of being able to endure it, while I'm hardly able to suffer it myself?"
"Because, I know, I can handle it!"
She freed her hand from mine, turned away from me, her hands intertwined, her head lowered.
It was for a while, that she stood there that way, until she finally gazed at me again, her beautiful face wet from tears: "I'm afraid, Methos, afraid of what else could happen to us. I'm afraid, I could not be that strong as I always told me to be. I know, how to handle a sword, I knew, how to tame my father's wildest horses, but throughout the last days, I had to find out, that nothing I ever learned or knew was able to protect from everything Kronos did to me. How can you dream a dream of spending your life together with me if another one..."
"Because, I love you!"
Now it was out and for one moment it seemed to me as if time stood still. I did not dare to move or to speak. It was the truth and there was no reason anymore to deny it.
Esther was no slave and no captive and whatever might have happened, she was none of Kronos' concubines. She would never be – not for me.
The same moment, I felt Esther throwing herself into my arms wrapping hers around me, that both of us would run short of breath sooner or later. Her lips crashed into mine that passionately, that I tasted blood upon my tongue, but I did not care while holding her as close as possible and while deepening the kiss.
I felt her heart beating, I felt her breath upon my cheek, relished her sweet lips and enjoyed the fact, that only a hint of linen kept my hands away from her soft skin.
I longed for her, yearned for her...
And when I buried my hands deep within her now short black hair, I had just one wish – being able to drag her even closer.
She leaned her brow against mine and I felt her tears wetting my cheeks, felt how she got tossed by sobbing while I held her close.
I gently took her face in my hands and forced her to look at me: "Promise me, that you will never spend a thought on committing suicide again. Unlike me you have only one life you can lose and there is no power all around the known world being able to bring you back to me, if you once have left the living."
I wiped the tears from her cheeks and kissed her again.
She locked eyes with mine and whispered: "I promise..."
This night was supposed to be the last we wanted to spend within the camp until we would take flight with sunset the next day. I had planned to follow the coast line to reach the port and the ship waiting for us.
Except some of our belongings and enough gold to pay the Captain, there was nothing, I wanted to take with me. No further memories of a life, I just wanted to leave behind. Just my hopes of being able to forget.
I was tired, because I had no moment of rest since I returned from my excursion and I dared to make a guess, that Esther longed for spending a more or less peaceful night together with me as well.
Therefore, I crept amongst the cushions and under the sheets of my bed and watched how she lay down her attire piece after piece and how she finally slipped out of this thin linen dress, she was still wrapped in.
He soft skin shimmered like bronze within the little light of some candles and oil lamps and with an admiring smile, I reached my hand out for her: "You must be a dream, a friendly ghost or a nymph, my sweet, and I'm the lucky one, you choose to present with your presence."
Esther grabbed my hand and her gaze rested upon me like a gentle touch: "No, I'm neither a ghost nor a nymph. Otherwise I could not spend the night with you. I would be forced to leave you with sunrise and that I don't want..."
She kept my gaze with hers while she slipped under the sheets by my side covering my face with kisses.
Something strange was within her eyes, something I should come to know much later:
Longing, love, desperation and sadness...
Within this night it had a different meaning to me. The meaning of promise and bliss. Her sweet lips and her soft hands made my senses well over from joy and I only wished that this night might last an eternity – until I wanted to drag her upon my lap.
Esther shied away and a hint of fear was to spot upon her face.
I tried to soothe her and whispered: "It is your decision! This night belongs to you! I belong to you! Forever..."
"Forever", she replied and once again her lips tried to run me mad.
Her kiss was the same filled with longing, love, desperation and sadness like her gaze was, but the way she seduced me made me forget about everything.
Later that night I held her close and fell asleep – knowing that only one last day would keep me from beginning a new life together with her.
A terrible pain tore me out of my sleep – sharp and stabbing – and when my eyes flew open, all I could concentrate on was the pain within my chest and the dagger gotten pushed into it up to its handle.
I gasped for air, desperately clasping said handle, trying to get rid of the blade. Without any success. I felt my gaze already getting blurred, but I recognized Esther by my side. Tears were running down her cheeks, while she bent over me. A second white-hot pain ran through my body when she pulled the small blade out of the wound.
"Forgive me", she whispered: "Please forgive me! I cannot come with you, although, there is nothing on earth, I would have loved more."
"Why!" I already felt life leaving me and I begged silently, that I would hold out just a little longer.
"Because, I love you! Because, I can't suffer what Kronos did to us..."
"Esther, please..."
Everything around me became indistinct and the last, I was able to sense were her tears falling down upon my face, her lips covering mine and her whisper close to my ear: "I love you..."
Then everything became silent and dark...
Fresh air found its way back to my lungs in sudden bursts and as always, when I returned back to life, I thought the pain and the anguish might tear me into pieces. I still panted for air until I was finally able to sit up.
Lying by my side, I found the small dagger and a curl of black hair...
Esther was gone and I knew, this time I would not be able to reach her in time, equal, whatever I might be able to try. Nevertheless, I stumbled to my feet and slipped into my clothes as fast as possible.
I found her where I found her the night before – at the foot of the cliffs, closer to death than to life – and dragged her in my arms. Not caring about the blood she was covered with.
She blinked and for a last time her sweet smile dispelled the paleness of death she already was touched by.
"Why are you here?" Her voice was just a hoarse and silent whisper.
This time I had no answer for her. I just held her as if my embrace was able to prevent her from the inevitable, my fingers stroking her hair, my face buried within her shoulder.
"Methos..."
With her last breath she kissed me, then all I felt was her slowly ebbing away gasps close to my cheek...
No scream, no cry left my lips. I just held her, lying on my knees, not caring for the waves soaking my clothes, silently weeping until I had no tears left any more...
