When Harry entered the floo the next morning, he hoped he could just silently get up to his room without meeting anybody. It was still relatively early, but not early enough for Remus to still be in the house.
Of course he knew that he had to talk to them eventually, he couldn't avoid somebody who he lived with after all. He just wanted to get some more time to think about what Minerva had said.
However, when he entered the kitchen he was pulled in a bone cracking embrace. He nearly fell and accidently leaned against that body. Even though he hadn't been able to see who it was he knew instantly that it was Remus. He smelled like a forest after rain, like the chocolate he would love to eat, and something he couldn't name. He would always recognize that smell that he associated with safeness and friendship and love. He also felt the tight muscles of Remus' chest, his strong arms wrapped tightly around him.
For a moment he struggled, but then he just leaned in, closed his eyes and took deep breaths. When Remus finally let him go after a few moments his lips brushed against his forehead. It was just some innocent gesture; however to Harry it felt like pins and needles. He knew that he wasn't supposed to feel that way. He also knew that there wasn't a hope in hell that it would make any difference. He was glad that Remus saw himself as a friend to him – he was flawless after all.
He was the living example that life isn't fair. Remus was calm, kind, intelligent, had the best marks, cared deeply for those around him, he was strong – both emotionally and physically -, he was a great friend, loyal, brave… And still he wasn't able to get a decent job, just because of him being a werewolf.
Harry didn't think he deserved him. At all.
Quickly he made one step backwards and looked everywhere but at Remus.
"Why are you not at work?" he finally managed to choke out to break the silence. He didn't want to talk about what had happened. He felt ashamed of running away instead of talking about their problems and he felt ashamed of not realizing how they would be scared of a murderer. No matter what McGonagall had said – he knew that it was true.
"I took a day off."
Harry stared at him in shock. Remus never took days of at work, he even worked on Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve. He didn't make a lot of money out of it and he didn't let Harry or Sirius pay for anything, even though they both had more money than they could ever spend.
"Why? I mean… it's totally okay of course… but you are always the one that your work is important and that…"
He looked at Remus in confusion.
"You are more important, though."
Harry just stared at him. Either he was actually going insane, or he didn't understand what Remus' had just said.
"What?" he asked, absolutely positive that he was going mad. Next thing they would take him to St. Mungo's or something like that.
Remus just shook his head. "Sit down, Harry. I'll make us some tea and then we can talk alright?" He saw that Harry was shaking and put his hand on the boys trembling shoulder. He felt like warmth spread out from his hand that touched the boy through his body that left a hot and bothered feeling behind. What does that mean? What's going on? He knew that the full moon was close, but that didn't really explain the way he felt.
Of course his feelings got stronger this time of the month, but for that to happen, there needed to be some feelings in the first place, feelings that didn't have anything to do with him being a werewolf. Well, he just had to ignore them. Harry would just live with him for another few weeks anyway, before he returned to Hogwarts.
Of course he would do everything to help Harry to get through this mess. He was still kind of mad at Dumbledore – even though he would never tell anybody about that anger. How could he put all this on Harry? He was just 17, for god's sake. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair at all.
But that life wasn't fair, wasn't new to him.
"Hey, it's alright. I won't push you or anything. We have all day, the others have gone to do their shopping for Hogwarts and plan on staying at the Burrow for the night." When Harry finally sat, he started making that tea and then sat next to Harry. The boy stared absently in his teacup without saying anything. He seemed to be deep in his thoughts, a process that Remus didn't want to interrupt.
He just sat there and watched that kid that looked so much older than he should. It wasn't that he was tall or anything. It was the facial expression, the shimmer of his eyes that made him seem old. He had seen things other wizards would never have to see, he felt things they wouldn't have to feel. He remembered himself when he was 17. He had – of course one year earlier than Harry – finished Hogwarts at that age…
He remembered it like it was yesterday. They had just finished their NEWT's, and surprisingly they all did alright. Of course he had tried to make Prongs and Padfoot study some more, but of course it hadn't worked.
It had been a sunny day and they had spent their free afternoon outside. It had been the last full moon before leaving the safety of Hogwarts – after all a war had been going on, a war that Harry ended not only once but two times. The last time he had only been a baby…
The first time in years he hadn't told his friends that the full moon would be coming up, and the others didn't seem to notice.
It wasn't as he didn't trust or love them. But he knew that they all had plans for their time after Hogwarts. He had endangered them enough for the past seven years. Of course they would have been better off without him, but to some point he was egoistic as well. He needed them. He was scared of being alone. They had made all his dreams come true, and he wasn't willing to let it go.
After all, he still was a dangerous beast, something that nobody could control, nobody could change, no matter how hard they tried, how smart they were, how brave they were. He still was – partly – a monster that would hurt, rape and kill anybody that came across him.
A monster that honestly was everything he was not. Just the monster was him.
It all was very confusing.
He remembered how he was close to tears. He knew that he would have cried that night, if Sirius hadn't interrupted him.
Of Sirius had realized what was going on. Padfoot knew him far too well for his own good. He had smelled him before he could hear him.
"Don't try to scare me, Pads, it won't work." He had said, his voice sounded broken, because his throat was so dry.
And Sirius had been mad, angry, that he didn't seem to believe in their friendship. He had held him until the moon rose, and he had been with him not only that full moon, but also the months afterwards, no matter how many times Remus had told him to figure out his life and forget about him. He would never forget how good that reassurance had felt, and he was certain that Harry would need the same thing. And he would do anything to help him out, like Sirius had helped him all these years back.
He looked at Harry who was still watching his teacup.
"Why did you leave last night?" he asked quietly. His voice was full of love, and even though Harry wanted to be mad at him, he just couldn't.
"I can't live in a house with people, who are scared of me. I can't be around them, if I always wonder how much fear shows in their eyes, or whether they are going to throw me out, because I get angry… if they think they have to be careful around me all the time. That is like living with a big nothingness around you, just sitting at a desk, not having anything to do – no book to read, no paper to write something to do, nothing. And it's just you and the walls surrounding you, and your hunting thoughts, day for day, and you have no idea whether time passes or not, whether it's winter or summer. You don't know if there is another war starting out there, because you need to hide, and you are going mad, just sitting there, and staring at the same wall, the same desk, and the same chair for hours, days, weeks, and months. And all you can do is thinking about whether they are right about their fear, if you really don't deserve a smile or a laugh or a wink or anything."
Harry had to pause in his monologue to take a deep breath. Remus took the chance, even though he was still shocked of the desperate little words filling the room like a beautiful, sad and desperate cloud.
"Nobody fears you, Harry. We fear to lose you, yes and we certainly worry about you. We are not scared of you but for you. And saying that I am not just talking for me, but for Sirius, Ron and Hermione as well. "
At that point Harry started laughing, but there was no joy behind it. It sounded cold, but even more than that, it sounded like Harry was about to break down.
"You didn't see them last night, Remus. I know the truth. I actually believed in you after all these days. I trusted you. But I know what I saw. I saw the expressions when I came in, and I know they were talking about me before I entered the room. Don't lie to me, Remus. Tell me the truth. I'm not angry at any of you, you have every right to be afraid. A 17 year old teenage boy, who has killed a couple of people, just sitting around without going out or doing anything. Of course that is scary. I understand. Maybe I'm planning my next murder, maybe one of you could be my next victim and-"
Remus stopped him by pulling Harry close to him.
"Harry!"
Harry stopped talking and finally the tears he had been waiting for since the last night were coming, falling in Remus' lap. He was confused, confused by his feelings and his friends and Remus'.
When he had calmed down a bit Remus started talking again.
"First of all, Harry, you are right, they were talking about you. But did you spend a thought about the fact that your birthday is coming up? I know that your relatives never spend a thought about that day, but we do. Second, nobody thinks of you as a murderer except from yourself. We know you. You're not somebody who is brutal or enjoys killing. We know that. You did it to save not only your own life, but also that of countless others. You ended a war that nobody else could end. I know you don't like to be the hero, but that is what you are. You are not a murderer. On top of that… even though I told you not to use Expelliarmus you still did. Expelliarmus is not a killing curse, Harry."
While he spoke he felt Harry relax into his arms. A while they just sat there quietly.
Harry seemed exhausted, but Remus wasn't surprised. He was sure that Harry hadn't slept the night before. After a while Harry fell asleep in his arms.
Remus smiled until he felt how Harry's head slid down and landed right above his throbbing cock.
Remus' froze and tried to move Harry's head away, but he was too heavy and he didn't want to wake the boy. He tried to pull away and since that didn't really work either, he just grabbed a book and tried to concentrate on Shakespeare, a muggle author he quite enjoyed instead of his groin.
