A/N: So I just realized I didn't update for the whole month of January. Life and other fics happened, so I'm really sorry for my lateness- I tried to make up for it by making this chapter extra long (around 7k words)
This chapter will contain lots of screen time for my all-time favourite KHR character and the king of my heart of hearts: Dino Cavallone. Why? Because he's been MIA for the past 3 updates and it's about time I brought him back. Also because it was his (and my) birthday last February 4. Belated Happy Birthday Dino-darling! * kees kees * Here, have a pineapple.
Yes, that means there's some 69D in this chapter, along with 8018, and… past Tsuna/insignificant!OC. * cue angry swearing and hovering over the back button * BUT it also finally contains actual 1827 and D80 interaction, so uh, hope that makes up for the OC pairing?
Chapter 6: Like the Lost Catacombs of Egypt, Only God Knows Where We Stuck It
"So let me get this straight," Dino starts, as he expertly makes a hairpin turn around a corner. "Kyouya's going around having phone sex with people using Mukuro's name as an alias?"
Beside him, Romario stirs with a jolt, the sleepiness of getting shaken up and dragged out of bed at midnight somewhat ebbing with this latest development to his boss' suicidal project.
"I don't know okay," Tsuna replies from the backseat. "That's what Mukuro said, and when I called Hibari-san to confirm, he didn't say anything."
"Oh man." Dino shakes his head regretfully. "If this is true, then I'm afraid that this is my fault."
Tsuna raises an eyebrow. "How so?"
"I told Kyouya he sucks at dirty talk."
"What? Why would you do that?"
"Because it's the truth," Dino answers, because really, it should be the most obvious thing in the world.
Tsuna opens his mouth to further ask why the hell Hibari would even deign to speak in such an unscrupulous, debasing, and highly undisciplined manner but ultimately decides it's the kind of knowledge he'll gladly live without and asks instead: "So what does this have to do with me going with you to Kokuyoland?"
"Because I know for a fact that Kyouya's over there right now fighting Mukuro and losing precious sleep, which means my dearest student will be cranky tomorrow morning and everyone over the age of one will bleed."
"Point taken," Tsuna sighs, and promptly smashes his nose into the front headrest when Dino pulls a sudden 90 degree turn to maneuver the red Mitsubishi Skyline into the abandoned gravelly parking space on the lot beside Kokuyo land.
"Here we go," Dino says with a small chuckle, as he kills the engine. Beside him, a groggy Romario unbuckles his seat belt and and pulls the latch to help Tsuna out of the backseat.
They could already hear the sounds of violence and destruction from a distance- the clash of metal, granite exploding to fine dust, and the unmistakable hiss of flames.
"Oh man, seriously Tsuna, why do you always have to attract the crazy ones?" Dino says, as they vault over the rusty gates and race towards the epicentre of the ongoing battle.
Tsuna would beg to differ on that, because crazy doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of the sort of people he attracts. In fact, batshit insane is still sorely inadequate. No, if there's a combination of words that can accurately portray the levels of lunacy he encounters on a daily basis, no one has coined it yet, or every language unanimously deems it as something defying description.
They reach the battleground in record time. Already, half of the already dilapidated Kokuyo land looks like someone let loose a herd of angry bull elephants in it.
"Kyouya!" Dino calls out, waving his arms. "You need to stop this right now, young man!"
"Mukuro, it's midnight, you're costing Hibari-san his sleep!" Tsuna shouts. "Stop fighting!"
For all the attention the two paid them, the two Decimos may as well been insignificant insects on the wall.
"Try this, boss," Romario says, handing Dino a megaphone he picked out from god knows where.
"Thank you Romario, you are so reliable," Dino says gratefully, before turning back to the fight and hollering, "Hey Kyou—"
Dino doesn't get the chance to finish his sentence because Hibari immediately interrupts him via a thrown concrete slab. They duck, but the megaphone gets the brunt of it, smashing on the ground in a pile of spangled metal and wires.
Dino looks sadly at the remains of the megaphone and then at Tsuna. "So much for that idea. Quick, take off your clothes."
"What!" Tsuna yelps, arms reflexively wrapping around himself. "How will that help?!"
Dino just looks at Tsuna like he's disappointed in him.
Tsuna gets the meaning and blushes. "Hibari-san will not approve of indecent exposure."
"That's true, but Mukuro will be more than happy to stop for you."
Tsuna shrinks away. "I'm not taking off my clothes Dino-san."
"Well, you're the one who wants a non-violent approach," Dino says with a frown. He taps his chin thoughtfully, then reaches for his pocket. "I guess we can always use—"
"—Please don't bring out Enzio," Tsuna immediately requests.
"But—"
"—No matter what."
Dino shrugs and withdraws his hand. "…Okay."
No sooner than he said that however, Mukuro calls out, "Cavallone!"
Dino turns around, only to find a face full of turtle hurtling towards him, which he barely catches.
Mukuro smiles sweetly. "Hold on to her for me."
"No matter what, Dino-san," Tsuna repeats, his voice sounding brittle with barely suppressed panic now.
Dino looks at the turtle in his hand, and then at the one attempting to claw out of his jacket pocket. "… Can I leave him with Romario? He's chewing on my pants."
"Sure, just don't let him get within mating range of Enzilla."
"Okay- OWWWW! Enzio!" Dino glares at his pet, whose jaws are now clamped on Dino's finger. "Tsuna, Enzio says stop being a cockblock."
Tsuna's jaw unhinges rather unattractively. "You can actually understand what Enzio's saying?"
"No, but he's humping my whip handle, which is a universal reptilian sign for unjust sexual deprivation."
Tsuna's feels his mind's eye melt. "Dino-san. You can't be serious about—" He abruptly shuts his mouth and nearly trips backwards, when Dino shoves Enzio in his face.
"Enzio says don't be mean Tsuna," Dino says, as the turtle's beady eyes glare at the Vongola Decimo reproachfully.
"Oh god."
"I promise, no surprise god mode," Dino says earnestly, when Tsuna keeps looking at him and his salacious pet like they're everything that's wrong with the world. "The next creek's two miles away anyway."
Tsuna gives up. "… Just keep them dry."
Dino nods and hands over his charges to a chagrined Romario, then ushers him off somewhere near the forest, turning a deaf ear to the sound of Romario's choking fit of freshly inflicted psychological agony, and joins Tsuna again to continue watching the ongoing battle.
After seeing Hibari pulverize yet another wall with a single blow, he speaks up. "You brought your stuff?"
Tsuna sighs, pops a pill in his mouth, and joins Dino in jumping into the fray.
"Okay, break it up you two," he says wearily, his flaming hands fisting around Mukuro's trident and Hibari's tonfa and yanking both up in a way that doesn't look pornographic at all. Mostly.
It becomes decidedly less pornographic when he applies heat pressure to bend both completely out of shape though.
"Oya oya, Tsunayoshi-kun, you have such great timing," Mukuro says airily, even as he struggles to press forward, forcing Tsuna to bodily block him. "I was getting tired of seeing the angry bird's face, but now I'm graced with the lovely sight of your hot hand grasping my tined staff of wonder."
"Shameless abomination," Hibari hisses, and he reels his free arm back to punch Mukuro's nose into the rest of his face, only to have his arm entangled by Dino's whip.
"Stop it Kyouya," Dino says sternly. "Tsuna, get Mukuro away from us."
Mukuro has thankfully stopped struggling, though he has refocused his efforts instead to rubbing himself rather indulgently against Tsuna, who is too busy putting some distance between his troublesome guardians to notice. Hibari, ever the hawk-eyed predator on the other hand, notices, snarls, and calls Mukuro something so outrageously foul, it would make a hooker blush.
"Kyouya!" Dino gasps, scandalized.
"Kufufufu, and you want to bite Tsunayoshi-kun with that mouth?" Mukuro taunts. "I don't think so."
Tsuna's hyper intuition helpfully advises him to never pry into Hibari's internet habits. Belatedly, it also reminds him that crotch to crotch contact is really not necessary for blocking your opponent's movements. "What the- MUKURO!"
"Kufufufufu would you like to start a new battle against me Tsunayoshi-kun?" Mukuro says, looking at Hibari straight in the eye over Tsuna's shoulder. "Though of course by battle, I mean an extended pleasurable screw somewhere horizontal."
Hibari sees red. With the strength of a cavalcade of hellions, he manages to break out of Dino's hold, and summarily proceeds to lunge at Mukuro, who pushes Tsuna aside and meets Hibari head on. The fight begins anew, though with Tsuna having ruined both their weapons, it has degenerated to a hybrid of a flame-slinging and your run of the mill MMA match, only with more clothes, more blood, significantly less manly hugging, and a steady stream of progressively inflammatory remarks.
"Lecherous lowlife lout."
"Uncivilized degenerate."
"Perverted pathogen."
"Overcompensating, stuck-up prick!"
"Scintillate-deficient flagellate!"
"… What?" That last bit actually surprises Mukuro long enough for Hibari to sneak an elbow in.
"Kyouya was very engrossed in today's Biology lesson," Dino explains to Tsuna. "If I recall my science classes correctly, I'm pretty sure he just called Mukuro a defective and possibly radioactive sperm."
"…Right," Tsuna says faintly, as he thanks all concerned deities for making him too stupid to appreciate Hibari's esoteric repertoire of insults. He focuses his attention back to the fight, where a partly winded Mukuro retaliates against that elbow to the ribs with a leg sweep, and uses his shoulder to tackle Hibari to the ground. Tsuna briefly considers getting in between the two of them again, but he's not sure he can inflict more Mukuro upon his person without wanting to set everything on fire.
As he continues watching his two guardians wrestle over rubble, fighting like two cats might- hissing, spitting and lashing out, a thought suddenly strikes him like a dropkick to the spine.
Of course, why didn't he think of this before! It's so obvious, he wondered why the hell his hyper intuition neglected to pick up on it.
"I think we should let them be, Dino-san," he says, backing away slowly from the fight, which has abandoned all pretense of elegance in favour of raw testosterone.
"Huh? But Tsuna, what if one of them really kills the other?"
"They won't," Tsuna says with much conviction. How can he not have seen it? All the signs are staring him in the face. "I mean, we should let them fight to their hearts' content so they can finally work out their long-standing homoerotic conflict."
Dino doesn't know whether to laugh or sob at his darling brother's observation. "I don't think that's—"
"No, no I've been hindering them for all this time," Tsuna interrupts, wringing his hands, his tone coloured by his disbelief about his own blindness to his guardians' plight. "I feel so terrible. If only I let them duke it out sooner, think of all the damage we could have avoided."
"Tsuna, seriously, this is not what you think it—"
"—Anyway, it's past midnight and I really need to get to bed," Tsuna says, punctuating this with a huge yawn. "You should just head back to your hotel too Dino-san, you don't want to be here when they finally realize that they actually just want each other after all."
"But Tsuna—"
"—No need to drive me home Dino-san, I can get by just fine." And with that, Tsuna smiles sleepily at Dino, fires up his gloves and flies out.
This time, his untimely departure is immediately noticed by the two fighting guardians. "Where did Tsunayoshi-kun go?" Mukuro asks, while nonchalantly attempting to stuff live snakes down Hibari's shirt. Hibird repeatedly bombdives said snakes to defend its master.
"He went home," Dino answers with a grimace, silently cheering on his student when Hibari manages to grab a hold of one snake and proceeds to strangle Mukuro with it. "For some reason he seemed convinced that you were both, what did he say again? Oh yeah, working out your homoerotic conflict."
It's kind of hilarious how quickly the two of them sprung away from each other after that.
Hibari feels strangely violated, and it takes all his self-control not to visibly shudder in disgust. "That misconception is so vile I feel dirtier just hearing it."
"I know Tsunayoshi has his dim-witted moments but this is beyond ridiculous," Mukuro says, nose wrinkled in distaste. "I mean, did he just forget about our passionate tryst on that bed of orange jello yesterday?"
Hibari clenches his fists. "Your lies are getting tiresome, Rokudo Mukuro,"
Mukuro smirks. "You're just jealous that I was the one Tsunayoshi surrendered his V-card to."
"That's not possible," Dino speaks up immediately, and Hibari's eyes glimmer with a distinct sliver of satisfaction.
Mukuro sighs indolently. "I assure you, Tsunayoshi will verify it himself, if Bio-major ducklips here didn't scare him off."
"No, what I meant was, Tsuna hasn't been a virgin for a long time now."
This time, both guardians turn towards him, eyes narrowed. "You're lying."
Dino shakes his head. "Trust me, I was there."
This immediately results to two attempts to skewer him in the throat, which Dino is able to whip away in the nick of time, thanks to Romario being somewhere in the nearby vicinity. "Wait wait wait- it wasn't me!" he yells, waving his arms around like an avian on its death throes. "I meant, we were in the same hotel when it happened."
"Hotel?" Mukuro repeats icily.
"Yeah…" Dino says slowly, well aware of the killing auras flaring before him. "You're familiar with the concept of baptism by fire right?"
Mukuro looks crestfallen.
Hibari's expression, on the other hand, is a twisted mix of intense displeasure and disbelief. "Do you mean to tell me that Sawada Tsunayoshi has performed such illicit, filthy acts with some cheap whore?" (Translation: he's more experienced than I am?)
Dino gulps and takes a few steps back. "Well, she… wasn't cheap."
Hibari jaw clenches. "That is unacceptable." (Translation: I must gather my own experience right away) He picks up his remaining, undamaged tonfa, pivots on his heel and stalks away without looking back, as if he hasn't been doing his very best to murder Mukuro in his own backyard for the past hour. Minutes later, there's a roar of a motorcycle engine and a succeeding screech as it peels out and drives away.
Dino turns towards the remaining Vongola Guardian, who has his arms folded and clearly trying to give off the impression that he isn't sulking. "Well," he starts, not knowing what else to say. "That was… interesting."
"Indeed," Mukuro says, regarding Dino coolly before walking towards his ruined trident and picking it up. "Where's Enzilla?"
"Still with Enzio."
Mukuro sits back down on a half-destroyed wrought-iron bench. "At least someone's having fun."
Dino doesn't know what to make of that. "I could ask Romario to get them if you want."
"Oh don't be a cockblock, Cavallone."
"Enzilla's not even a real turtle," Dino points out.
"Does it matter?" Mukuro says dismissively. "That bed of orange jello wasn't real but Tsunayoshi certainly enjoyed himself all the same."
Dino doesn't say anything at first. He does make a mental note to give Tsuna a thorough talking down later though because instincts tell him that Mukuro isn't lying this time, and that kind of throws a monkey wrench into his haphazardly created but well-meaning plans. But still, if he wants his selfless romantic mission to succeed, he's going to have to make a stand, even if it's against a psychopathic hellspawn like Rokudo Mukuro. "You know," he starts bravely. "I would really appreciate it if you could stop macking on my brother and getting in Kyouya's way."
Mukuro gives him a look like Dino just asked him to rip out his own intestines and hang himself with them. Dino shrugs. It was worth a shot. He stands up, about to seek out Romario, cut his losses and go home when Mukuro speaks up again.
"A week."
Dino foot freezes midstep, and he quickly turns back. "Sorry?"
"I'm not unreasonable," Mukuro answers, his fingers languidly twisting the handle of his trident. "Admittedly, it would be amusing to see the angry bird fail in his attempts to seduce Sawada Tsunayoshi."
Dino's first instinct is to look around to check if he's being filmed for some cruel gag. He shelves it though, and chooses to make a gamble and take Mukuro's words at face value. "So you're giving them a week before you go back to your regular schedule of tormenting them?"
Mukuro sighs dramatically and leans on his broken trident, turning his head to look crossly at Dino. "You phrase it in such crass terms. But yes, that's what I'm saying."
Mukuro's actually backing down from a fight with Hibari. Flying pigs must not be far off in the future. "Wow, that's…" Dino says, trying hard not to gape. "…awfully generous of you."
Mukuro shrugs. "Not really. Tsunayoshi will succumb to me once I need him to. Because obviously, I am far superior to Hibari Kyouya in every way," he states matter-of-factly. "So let's even out the playing field. Right now, I think I can afford to give myself a handicap. Let it not be said that I never gave the little skylark a fighting chance."
Dino marvels at Mukuro's ability to make self-absorption and magnanimity work together in one sentence. "… Okay. What's the catch?"
"Ah, spoken like a true mafiosi," Mukuro says lightly, and checks his watch. "Well, it's past midnight. Which means, it's the next day, and I can get a head start on my daily quota."
Dino casts Mukuro a suspicious look. "Quota of?"
Mukuro looks up and grins like a fiend. "People of the Mafia persuasion to screw over."
Oh. Well, at least Mukuro's upfront with his nefarious, sadistic, probably concupiscent plans. "Do you mean that figuratively or…?" Dino lets the sentence drift off.
Mukuro's smile widens. "It depends on my mood."
Dino's well aware that he's treading in dangerous waters here, but he's too far gone to back off now. "And what's your mood now?"
"Hmm?" Mukuro looks up and taps his chin thoughtfully. "Well since you've mercilessly destroyed the sentimentality of yesterday's carnal rendezvous with Tsunayoshi, I'm in need of some comfort. In the form of a Ferrero Crunch mousse cake with Nutella icing. Stat."
Dino stares at him. "That's in Matier Chocolatier. In Italy."
"So it is," Mukuro agrees absently as he turns around fully to face Dino. "Well, barring that…" His two-toned eyes glitter beneath his lashes. "They say you're called the Bucking Horse for more than your skill with the whip."
Oh. Ohhh. So it's down to that huh? Well, it beats getting one of his men to take the redeye from Italy to Japan just to deliver a goddamn cake. Besides, Mukuro is devilishly attractive, even if in the blithely murderous, sexual offender sort of way.
Also, Dino hasn't had any in a while. His ahem, bucking horse needs to be maintained after all. So he supposes he can take one for Kyouya and Tsuna this time. Kill two birds with one stone and all that.
That decision made, he leans back and relaxes, sprawling out his legs enough to project just the right blend of power and provocation. "Do you really want to find out?"
Mukuro glances speculatively at Dino's crotch. "How long do turtles take to mate?"
"Considering the last time, they'll probably be done in 30 minutes to an hour."
Mukuro mulls over this for a minute before shrugging. "Time enough," he says, and tugs Dino into Illusion #69.
0
Sawada Tsunayoshi lost his innocence on his 16th birthday, in an opulent hotel room in Paris, where he learned the hard way that "Je voudrais acheté un putain de la grande class" does not mean "I would like to order a large cheese pizza."
"This is a huge misunderstanding," he tried to tell his father and self-proclaimed older brother, where the latter of which was offering him a supremely gorgeous woman of mind-boggling anatomical proportions.
"And this is Valentina Devereau," Dino said brightly, as he courteously led the woman to sit beside Tsuna on the suddenly too-small couch. "She did me too when it was my turn. You won't be disappointed."
"Oh son, I'm sorry for neglecting your needs," Iemitsu said, shaking his head remorsefully. "I clearly fail as a father, seeing as it took an error in translation to remind me of this."
"What is this?" he asked weakly, barely suppressing an undignified screech as "Valentina" attempted to climb all over him.
"Baptism by fire," his father answered, before patting him heartily on the back, proud father tears forming tenuously on his eyes. "My baby boy is about to become a real man now!"
"It's a boss thing," Dino added seriously, though the effect was marred by the fact that he's summoned another scantily clad harlot to twine around him like a vine. "I went through with it too. Valentina is really good with her fingers."
"Mmrerggh," Tsuna whimpered, partially out of overflowing embarrassment and partially because of the plump set of breasts pressed against his cheek. The three shots of Bacardi 151 currently coursing through his blood could have also been a contributing factor.
"But but—Kyoko chan—"
"Take it from me my boy," Iemutsu interrupted. "Experience yields better results than sentimental innocence."
"Or in other words, two virgins fumbling about for the first time sucks harder than a black hole on meth," Dino translated, looking disturbingly gleeful at the prospect of besmirching his younger brother's teenage innocence.
"A man that doesn't know how to handle his unit cannot call himself a man," Iemitsu added sternly.
Whatever protests Tsuna tried to vocalize were drowned out as the door to the lounge slammed open, and in walked Gokudera, panting hard as if he ran several flights of stairs, with Reborn riding on his shoulder. "I reserved only... the best room… for you Tenth!" he announced, though he sounded like he was in great pain as he said it.
"Reborn, Dad, Dino-san, I don't think this is really necessary," Tsuna pleaded, even as a giggling Valentina seductively pulled him from the couch.
"Stop being a wimp Dame-Tsuna and go do your manly rites with your dying will!" And then Reborn shot him square on the forehead.
Tsuna shudders in his sleep, as memories he'd rather forget seep through his mind.
His eyelids flutter open as he hears the distant sound of something clicking, and turns to look to his side, expecting to see a gun barrel. None. Tsuna then remembers that Reborn has taken to sleeping in Bianchi's room lately, complaining about Tsuna's random yelling for whenever Mukuro deigns to visit him via dreamscape.
Blearily, he looks at the clock: 1:27 AM. He groans and rolls over, half wondering if Mukuro's come back to mess with him again, which should no longer be an option, if he could go mess with Hibari-san instead. Though maybe the fact that Hibari-san's sitting silently on Tsuna's window sill may have something to do with that.
Wait—the window?
Tsuna looks again and almost gets a heart attack when he sees Hibari watching him.
He does not scream like a prepubescent girl, as he is usually wont to do. He does however, knock his alarm clock and a glass of water to the floor, hit his head on the corner of the bed, and kick up his sheets in a manner that would have probably made him faceplant on the floor if not for a swift hand grabbing his collar at the last second.
"Did I startle you?" Hibari questions, his right hand tightly fisting Tsuna's loose night shirt.
Tsuna wants to say No, I just almost shat a brick, which is the same thing I'm sure, but unless he wants Hibari to beat the wiseass out of him, he doesn't. Also, it's kind of difficult to speak, given that his collar is digging into his throat, so he simply nods and waves his arms haltingly in an attempt to convey to Hibari that saving him from falling off the bed is a moot point, if Hibari's going to choke him with his own night shirt as an alternative.
Thankfully, Hibari realizes this and lets go, and Tsuna leans back against his headboard, coughing.
Hibari wastes no time and stands imperiously in front of Tsuna, arms folded. "I wish to ask you a few questions regarding your mating habits."
Tsuna's eyes almost bug out of their sockets. Holy crap, Hibari moves fast. It's barely been two hours since he left his two guardians to work out their unresolved sexual tension, and Hibari's already sniffing him out for potential STDs via Mukuro. Then again, Tsuna should understand completely, because Hibari's not the first person to jump into bed with a mass-murderer come former convict whose sexual history is a complete question mark. "Uhhh…"
"I'll make this simple," Hibari says. "I mention a name, you'll answer yes or no."
Tsuna doesn't need his hyper intuition to know what he's answering to, and nods meekly.
Satisfied with Tsuna's obedience, Hibari starts. "Gokudera Hayato."
"No."
"Yamamoto Takeshi."
"No."
"Sasagawa Kyoko."
"I wish."
"I said yes or no only, herbivore," Hibari snaps, looking downright venomous now. "Can't you even follow simple instructions?"
"Sorry Hibari-san," Tsuna says timidly. "The answer is no."
"Enma Kozaato."
"No."
"Dino Cavallone?"
"… No."
"Are you sure?"
"Does it count if he's the one who made the arrangements?"
Hibari considers this carefully. "I'll forgive your inability to follow instructions this time," he says darkly, the promise of pain (Dino's) transparent in the steel of his eyes. "Moving on. The baby?"
"WHAT? NO!"
"Rokudo Mukuro."
"…"
"Rokudo. Mukuro." Hibari repeats, with dwindling patience.
"… Yes."
Hibari's eyes are the color of ice, hard and unforgiving and before Tsuna knows it, he's on his knees, babbling incoherently to Hibari's belt buckle. "But I didn't start it- he made me Hibari-san, he said he's going to unleash god mode Enzilla in Namimori if I don't roll around in Jello with him and—"
The door suddenly opens, and Reborn walks in. "I thought I heard a noise—oh." He takes a cursory look at Tsuna bending prostrate in front of Hibari's crotch and carefully walks out again. "Carry on."
Tsuna is confused for a moment before becoming aware of his current position and almost topples over. "Wait, Reborn—"
Hibari grasps Tsuna's chin, effectively cutting him off, and forcing his attention back. "You are saying you were forced to sacrifice yourself to protect Namimori?"
Tsuna nods wordlessly, too mortified and scared to speak. Hibari's grip on Tsuna's chin tightens painfully, causing him to whimper. Hibari looks startled by the sound, and abruptly, he lets Tsuna go.
"I will bite that pineapple herbivore to death for this transgression," he says spitefully, fists clenched. He closes his eyes for a short moment, as if internally debating his next words, and opens them again to stare at Tsuna, his gaze unreadable. "I commend you for your efforts. But don't think this gives you the right to call yourself the boss of me."
"I don't want to be the boss of anyone," Tsuna answers softly, desperately trying not to quail under Hibari's intense gaze.
"I'm still stronger than you. I can show you how," Hibari says, as if Tsuna hasn't spoken. "You heard the baby. I could do it right now and take what I want."
Tsuna wants to pass out. Dear god, is he seriously going to have to fight his strongest guardian half-asleep in his pajamas at one thirty in the morning? How is Hibari even awake at this time of night? And where is Mukuro when Tsuna needs him?
Hibari rotates his shoulder and reels his arm back. Tsuna shrinks back against the headboard, fists raised in the best defensive stance he can manage while sitting on his pillows and backed into a corner. His eyes dart mournfully towards the pills and mittens on his desk across the room.
Hibari's arm shoots forward and Tsuna's hands reach up to protect himself, only to feel Hibari lightly flicking his forehead with one finger.
"But I won't," Hibari says, smirking as he pulls his hand back, enabling Tsuna's heart to return to pre-hypertension settings. "Not today."
Then all of a sudden, before Tsuna can even react, he leans forward, leaving the smallest calculable space where skin doesn't touch skin, and whispers, in the most menacing of tones:
"But I will. Soon."
Tsuna doesn't dare to breathe. He's never been this close to his cloud guardian before, where his vision is filled with nothing but the blue quicksilver of Hibari's eyes. His wayward thoughts immediately cease into white noise at the back of his mind. Thoughts like, how he's pretty sure this should count as crowding, or how unfair it is to be the one among Mukuro's line-up of sexual conquests who has to deal with Hibari's unorthodox methods of interrogation, or how he really just wants to get some sleep, because he doesn't want to add tardiness on top of his pyromaniac disciplinary record. Which Hibari has yet to punish him for by the way.
They don't seem very relevant now. It's difficult to think of such mundane things when one is the object of Hibari Kyouya's full attention at point blank range.
"And when I do," his strongest guardian continues, when Tsuna doesn't say anything, his breath warm on Tsuna's lips, slender fingers loosely cradling the back of Tsuna's neck, "I will make it so that you won't even think about saying no."
Before Tsuna could even process what Hibari is threatening him with, the prefect has already gone back a healthy distance.
"That said," he starts, all business again. "Is there anyone else I should know about?"
Tsuna swallows, mind whirring, feeling like he's never going to catch up with Hibari's unpredictable mood changes. "No," he breathes out, feeling faint. "No one else, Hibari-san."
Hibari lips quirk up at this. "Then that is all, Sawada Tsunayoshi." He then reaches out, and pats Tsuna's hair. "Go back to sleep," he whispers almost pleasantly, and proceeds to knock Tsuna's lights out.
Yamamoto whistles a merry tune as he jogs along the corridor on the way to the school lockers. Baseball practice has been called off, which is quite convenient as it allows him to join Dino earlier for Hibari duty this afternoon. He should do better with Hibari than Tsuna, who has been very skittish today, jumping up at loud noises, and eyes constantly darting around as if on the lookout for something. He even rushed home as soon as the bell rung, muttering something about catching up on sleep, and going as far as to ask Gokudera to take over his classroom duties for today, something he never does, but conveniently something that Gokudera is all too happy to do.
Couple that with the fact that Hibari is even more ornery today, and that he and Tsuna are both sporting fashionable bags under their eyes... well, something obviously happened. Something huge.
Yamamoto's really curious to know whether those twin yoga masters he lent to Hibari had anything to do with it.
This current line of rumination is rudely interrupted though, as he is violently pulled into a room, an arm tightly pressed against his throat and one hand clamped around his mouth. It's a good thing he saw the tattoos before his assassin reflexes could trigger and find Dino with a mechanical pencil stuck halfway through his thigh.
It's dark. The only light is a sliver coming in from the small space between the door and the frame, and he could barely make out the shape of mops, brooms and various bottles somewhere near the corner. His right foot hits what seems to be a metal can as Dino lets him go.
"Dino-san… why are we in the janitor's closet?"
"I'm hiding from Kyouya."
"Why?" Yamamoto asks, turning around and directing his gaze towards the latitude of where Dino's eyes could be.
"I'm not exactly in his good graces right now," Dino answers as he reaches out blindly, looking for the light switch, and knocks over a bottle of something in the process.
Yamamoto catches the glass bottle in the nick of time. "Did something happen last night?" he asks, as he puts the bottle on safer ground.
"A lot of things happened last night," Dino answers. There's a clicking sound, and the incandescent lightbulb above them flickers to life, its inadequate, dim light barely letting them see each other's features. Dino's hair is all over his face, like he spent all day running his hands through it, and his eyes are clearly tired behind the glasses. "They involved Mukuro. So none of them were good."
Yamamoto frowns. "Oh." That rules out twincest yoga masters then. "I'm guessing you won't be joining me with Hibari?"
"No. Sorry about that," Dino says, sincerely apologetic for having to bail on today's supposed tag-teaming of his stubborn, prickly student. "But I'll be working on Tsuna instead. He seems to have gotten it into his head that Kyouya and Mukuro are secretly in love with each other or something."
Yamamoto isn't too shocked by this. "Did any of the things that happened yesterday involve Mukuro and Hibari fighting each other?"
"Yes—how did you know that?"
"Well, I can see where Tsuna's coming from," Yamamoto answers with a shrug. "Mukuro and Hibari fight really… intensely. All that biting and snarling and slamming each other around… It's easy for stuff to be misconstrued you know?"
Dino groans. "Seriously? Can't two men bearing deadly weapons of only incidentally phallic nature clash together in a fight to the death without it being a metaphor for something?"
Yamamoto briefly remembers his sparring matches with Squalo and how they usually end up exploring more than one definition of swordplay. "Haha, no."
Dino scowls, and folds his arms. "Well I know for a fact that Kyouya would rather tie raw salmon to his dick and stick it in the jaws of a starving bear than entrust it to Mukuro's hands," he says stubbornly. "So that's not happening."
"Hmm, I wouldn't know about that," Yamamoto disagrees pleasantly. "Well, Mukuro… he's a lot like life, you know. He fucks everyone at some point."
Dino opens his mouth then promptly shuts it again when he realizes that his witty rebuttal of "No he doesn't" is a bit hypocritical, considering where he ended up last night. Then an implication of what Yamamoto said occurs to him. "… Including you?"
Yamamoto just grins, and Dino feels oddly jealous, if the unpleasant clawing sensation in his gut is any indication.
There must have been a visible shift in his expression because Yamamoto suddenly looks at Dino curiously. Dino hopes to god Yamamoto doesn't choose this time to employ his wondrous observation skills, because that would be horribly pathetic on Dino's part, considering how deeply uninvolved the two of them are, apart from being bosom buddies in this matchmaking mission. A small moment of awkward silence passes. Then—
"Haha, you know what I just realized?" Yamamoto says all of a sudden. "I've never actually sparred with you before."
The unexpected subject change rattles Dino a little, but this is Yamamoto, who has unconsciously made an art form out of conversational segues, so he doesn't think too much on it. "No, we haven't."
Yamamoto stuffs his hands into his pockets. "I must admit, I'm a bit curious to see where you got your moniker."
Dino makes a face at this. "Believe it or not, it doesn't have anything to do with horses whatsoever."
"Haha really? Then maybe there's something about you that is just equine in nature?"
Dino has a bad feeling as to where this is going. "… I had large front teeth before Reborn made me go through a series of orthodontic procedures?" he hedges.
"Is that it?" Yamamoto tilts his head and shifts his weight to the other foot, his eyes zooming in to what Dino convinces himself is the estimated placement of his leather weapon under his blazer. "Everyone says it's your skill with the whip."
Dino looks down, suddenly self-conscious for some obscene reason. "Well, that too."
Yamamoto smiles happily and leans back against the wall. "I think it would be really cool if we could get together sometime… " He pauses, and grasps his baseball bat, rubbing a thumb smoothly along the indents of the handle, as he looks at a flustered Dino straight in the eye. " So I could match my sword against your whip."
Called it, Dino moans silently to himself, gulping as feels the familiar stir of his traitorous libido flaring up within him. Seventeen. Yamamoto's making a criminal out of him, and he can't even tell if Yamamoto is aware of it.
Goddamit. Stupid weapons and the stupid metaphors that come with them.
"Sure," he manages to eke out.
Yamamoto is still looking at him with that stupidly easygoing expression. "Great! You can show me how you handle your whip," he says cheerfully, as Dino strains to listen to the last dregs of his conscience, which now sounds like it's talking to him from under a great pile of rocks. "And I'll show you my swordsmanship." He flicks his wrist and spins the bat to a horizontal position, and Dino's fingers instinctively move and wrap around it before he can think about what he's doing.
Yamamoto eyes glint with a deadly light. He casually pulls the bat, and Dino stumbles forward, only for his forearms to be grasped within Yamamoto's large hands. "Is that okay with you?" Vongola's rain guardian continues, his lips turning up into a smile of razor-edged sunshine. "Dino-sensei?"
Yamamoto is impossible. Then again, Dino should expect nothing less from Reborn's protégé. He licks his lips, and curses Japan's minority laws one last time before tentatively leaning in.
The door is violently swung open, and Dino's eyes immediately seize up at the sudden influx of bright light, as he recoils from Yamamoto, shielding his eyes.
"Found you," Hibari says with a feral little smirk.
Hibari ignores Dino's confused protests, and drags Yamamoto by the wrist, away from his teacher, who is steadily adding more reasons for Hibari to bite him dead. Keeping students in a closet and putting them under his lascivious sway… unforgiveable. Dino's lucky that Hibari's too busy to punish him properly for now; otherwise the Cavallone Tenth would probably be going home in the back of an ambulance later.
Yamamoto, the idiot, just laughs and shouts nonsense reassurances to Dino, until Hibari, growing weary of his prattle, yanks hard, and the rain guardian is forced to turn around and keep up with Hibari's brisk pace.
Yamamoto says nothing else but he does look at Hibari quizzically. He doesn't make any herbivorous protests, which is good, as Hibari doesn't really want to make the effort of having to whack him into silence, having already exhausted his patience with driving unruly students off the school premises for the past hour.
Besides, he chose Yamamoto for a specific purpose, and he needs him conscious for it.
They reach the DC office. Hibari locks the door behind him and marches around his desk and to his seat of power, leaving a bewildered Yamamoto standing awkwardly in the middle of the room.
Hibari reaches inside his book bag. "Those videos you call porn are disgusting," he says tossing the gaudy DVD to Yamamoto's direction, who immediately catches it. "I do not wish to sully my eyes with such garbage."
Yamamoto scratches the back of his head. "Well, different strokes for different folks I guess?" he says with a light chuckle. "I'm sorry Hibari, but I'm not sure what you're expecting."
Hibari shifts in his seat, and leans forward, resting his chin on clasped hands. "You."
Yamamoto looks around as if trying to locate someone else, before pointing to himself. "Me?"
"You're not completely disgusting," Hibari declares. He stands up from his leather seat with the grace of a panther and saunters towards Yamamoto. "And admittedly, you have a better read of Sawada's… preferences." He grabs Yamamoto's tie and yanks him down to eye level. "As such, you shall give me a demonstration of how one is supposed to go about these matters."
Yamamoto's eyes change from confused to delighted. "Hands on?'
"Among other things." Hibari's eyes gleam predatorily as he pushes Yamamoto into a black leather armchair. "Now take off your pants."
~ tbc ~
Post A/N: In my headcanon, Hibari can insult anyone endlessly with an open biology text book in front of him. * is shot *
Guest replies:
HiBiRdEpIc: I've been replying to you since Chapter 3. :D Thanks to you, I am now craving real Izaya/Hibari fic. Why does it not exist. Someone stop me before I get it into my head to write it and subsequently incense the combined network of D18, 1827 and Shizaya fangirls..
Saruko: Thank you for the wonderful comment! Stay tuned for more wacky misadventures of Vongola and co.
