Chapter 7: Horseface is a Failure (and a Surrender Monkey)

jeanchevaljean: hey connie

jeanchevaljean: wanna have some fun while we're on this expedition?

fuzzypeaches: can't we just focus on staying alive?

fuzzypeaches: it's hard enough doing that in the first place

jeanchevaljean: fine fine

jeanchevaljean: we'll do it when we're resting for the night then?

fuzzypeaches: sigh okay


fuzzypeaches: so what should we do?

jeanchevaljean: i have a plan

jeanchevaljean: come meet me by the tents

fuzzypeaches: okay...


A few minutes, lots of loud thuds and several high-pitched screams later...

fuzzypeaches: FUCK YOU JEAN

jeanchevaljean: okay i guess it wasn't a very good idea

jeanchevaljean: not my fault all the girls' tents look the same;;

jeanchevaljean: but sorry for setting ymir loose on ya

fuzzypeaches: you better be sorry fucking asshole ._.

fuzzypeaches: i have bruises ON MY BRUISES

fuzzypeaches: she thought i was going after her "precious christa"

fuzzypeaches: like i'd go near her with that crazy bitch around

jeanchevaljean: sorry again connie...

fuzzypeaches: you're doing the next one

fuzzypeaches: and you have to do exactly as i say

jeanchevaljean: fine, whatever floats your boat

jeanchevaljean: like there's anything worthwhile floating through your empty head

fuzzypeaches: oh really?

fuzzypeaches: is that a challenge? :)


Several minutes, lots of growling and even higher-pitched screams later...

jeanchevaljean: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MADE ME DO THAT

jeanchevaljean: you must be a sadistic freak to make me do something like that

fuzzypeaches: just payback for sending ymir after me :)

jeanchevaljean: I'D RATHER HAVE YMIR AFTER ME THAN A RABID HUNGRY SASHA

fuzzypeaches: i'm surprised you even lasted that long

fuzzypeaches: after stealing from her secret food stash

jeanchevaljean: i know...2 minutes must be a new record

jeanchevaljean: ...but how did you know about her food stash?

fuzzypeaches: well why not? animals hoard food whenever it's scarce

fuzzypeaches: how's sasha any different?

jeanchevaljean: i mean

jeanchevaljean: how did you know WHERE it was?

fuzzypeaches: oh...

fuzzypeaches: i stole something from there once cause thomas dared me

fuzzypeaches: needless to say, it didn't end well for me

fuzzypeaches: that scar on my leg that i said was from a titan?

fuzzypeaches: that was actually sasha;;

jeanchevaljean: fuck...i can't believe you'd make me go through that

jeanchevaljean: even after YOU went through it

fuzzypeaches: hey, friendship is all about sharing pain, right?

jeanchevaljean: ...

jeanchevaljean: fuck you baldface

fuzzypeaches: back at ya horseface

jeanchevaljean: wait a second...

fuzzypeaches: hmm?

jeanchevaljean: aren't we supposed to get revenge on SASHA

jeanchevaljean: not on each other?

fuzzypeaches: oh yeah...

jeanchevaljean: don't worry, i'll come up with something

fuzzypeaches: pfft why should i trust you

fuzzypeaches: after what happened last time

jeanchevaljean: just do it

jeanchevaljean: it'll be ready by nightfall :)


Several grueling hours of cleaning the campground to Levi's standards later...

jeanchevaljean: yo man you asleep yet

fuzzypeaches: nope i'm on lookout duty

fuzzypeaches: but i'm about to fall asleep

jeanchevaljean: how bout i wake you up ;)

fuzzypeaches: how?

jeanchevaljean: getting back at sasha

fuzzypeaches: oh yeah...i almost forgot

fuzzypeaches: you know, i'm kinda starting to like fuzzypeaches

fuzzypeaches: can't we just accept the fact that sasha pwned us

jeanchevaljean: NO DON'T FALL INTO THE TRAP OF SURRENDERING LIKE THE FRENCH

jeanchevaljean: WE MUST GET OUR REVENGE ON POTATO GIRL

fuzzypeaches: alright alright calm down horseface

fuzzypeaches: what are we gonna do?

jeanchevaljean: you'll like this :)

jeanchevaljean: i figured out a way to make new accounts on the survey corps network

fuzzypeaches: ...no way

fuzzypeaches: i never pegged you as a techie

jeanchevaljean: well read it and weep

jeanchevaljean: i made two new accounts for both of us to use

jeanchevaljean: and i named them colossaltitan and armoredtitan

jeanchevaljean: guess who they're gonna be talking to ;)

fuzzypeaches: ...but isn't sasha gonna know something's up

fuzzypeaches: it's not like titans can even text with their giant ass fingers and shit

jeanchevaljean: yeah but this is sasha we're talking about

jeanchevaljean: miss sometimes i don't even know what's going on in my mind

fuzzypeaches: doesn't mean she's dumb shit though

fuzzypeaches: but whatever

fuzzypeaches: let's do this

fuzzypeaches: i call dibs on the colossal

jeanchevaljean: is that cause you wanna be TALL XD

fuzzypeaches: shut up jean

fuzzypeaches: not everyone's vertically blessed like you

jeanchevaljean: hey don't blame me for thinking that

jeanchevaljean: i mean, even corporal levi's taller than you

fuzzypeaches: ONLY BY A LITTLE BIT

fuzzypeaches: SHUT UP HORSEFACE

jeanchevaljean: fine fine i was just teasing

jeanchevaljean: but stop calling me horseface

fuzzypeaches: never.

jeanchevaljean: ...you fucker

fuzzypeaches: you think you'd get used to it by now...


potatopotahto started a conversation with fuzzypeaches.

potatopotahto: CONNIE!

potatopotahto: i'm bored...let's have some fun

fuzzypeaches: why does everyone keep asking me these things ;;

fuzzypeaches: and we can't...we're on guard duty, sasha

potatopotahto: please?

potatopotahto: pretty please?

fuzzypeaches: and get my head ripped off by a titan?

fuzzypeaches: or even worse, levi?

fuzzypeaches: no thanks

potatopotahto: :(

potatopotahto: you're no fun

fuzzypeaches: i know :)


armoredtitan started a conversation with colossal titan and potatopotahto.

armoredtitan: ...

colossaltitan: ...

potatopotahto: huh?

potatopotahto: who is this?

armoredtitan: ...

armoredtitan: hey how you doin' lil mama lemme whisper in yo ear

colossaltitan: tell ya somethin' that ya might like to hear

armoredtitan: got a sexy ass body and ya ass look soft

potatopotahto: JUST WAIT TIL YOU SEE MY DICK

potatopotahto: WHOOOO

colossaltitan: O.o

potatopotahto: i don't know who you guys are

potatopotahto: but you two are pretty funny XD


fuzzypeaches: WHAT DO WE DO JEAN?

fuzzypeaches: she foiled plan a

fuzzypeaches: typical sasha style!

jeanchevaljean: okay calm down

jeanchevaljean: i've got plan b down

jeanchevaljean: cool, calm and collected, kay?


potatopotahto: hey where'd you guys go?

potatopotahto: you guys got some weird names

potatopotahto: but you guys seem pretty cool :)

armoredtitan: um thanks?

armoredtitan: but why aren't you scared of us?

potatopotahto: what do you mean?

colossaltitan: i mean, i am the colossal titan

colossaltitan: i'm taller than the walls

armoredtitan: and i broke through wall maria

potatopotahto: psssh no you didn't

armoredtitan: are you trying to mock us

potatopotahto: ummm

potatopotahto: what are you trying to say?

colossaltitan: why don't you explain puny human

potatopotahto: okay

potatopotahto: first of all

potatopotahto: there's no way titans could get access to the survey corps network

potatopotahto: secondly

potatopotahto: titans can't even text with their giant ass fingers

armoredtitan: well maybe we're titan shifters

armoredtitan: never thought about that huh?

potatopotahto: hmm i suppose so

potatopotahto: but i'm not worried cause you guys are harmless :)

potatopotahto: i know it's you two

potatopotahto: jean and connie :)

potatopotahto: NICE TRY BRAS


jeanchevaljean: FUCK

fuzzypeaches: HOW DID SHE KNOW

jeanchevaljean: I DON'T KNOW

jeanchevaljean: i thought no one could figure it out;;

fuzzypeaches: is she psychic or something?

potatopotahto: nope

potatopotahto: you guys are just dumbasses

potatopotahto: messaging each other on one of our old convos :)

fuzzypeaches: jean...

fuzzypeaches: YOU'RE AN IDIOT

fuzzypeaches: A COMPLETE FAILURE

jeanchevaljean: okay i have to admit i deserve that T^T

jeanchevaljean: goddamn it sasha

jeanchevaljean: why can't you just let us have our fun

potatopotahto: cause i'm a girl ;)

potatopotahto: btw i left a present outside your tent

potatopotahto: hope you enjoy :)

jeanchevaljean: eh? okay then...

jeanchevaljean: ...

jeanchevaljean: ...

jeanchevaljean: fuck you potato girl

jeanchevaljean: why did you have to draw googly eyes on it

jeanchevaljean: now i can't eat it

fuzzypeaches: huh? what did you give him sasha?

potatopotahto: a potato with a face :)

potatopotahto: you should be honoured

potatopotahto: it comes from my sacred secret stash

potatopotahto: the one you tried to steal from, mind you

jeanchevaljean: whatever...

jeanchevaljean: but thanks, sasha

potatopotahto: no problem jean :)

fuzzypeaches: do i get one too?

potatopotahto: i'll be there in a couple min :)


breakingthefourthwall started a conversation with overthefourthwall, climbingthefourthwall and potatopotahto.

breakingthefourthwall: Sasha

breakingthefourthwall: are you on patrol duty?

potatopotahto: yes...but who is this?

breakingthefourthwall: to you, your worst nightmare

potatopotahto: sigh...you guys are really trying to continue this?

potatopotahto: it's not funny when i obviously know it's you two

overthefourthwall: Wait...you know who we are?

potatopotahto: isn't it obvious?

breakingthefourthwall: It's obvious...?

overthefourthwall: ...we've been found out

overthefourthwall: CODE RED CODE RED

overthefourthwall: we need to let her know that we've been identified

breakingthefourthwall: Right.

climbingthefourthwall: Eh? What's happening?

breakingthefourthwall: She knows who we are. It's time to take action.

climbingthefourthwall: Sigh...fine

potatopotahto: you guys are getting better at this

potatopotahto: you might even be fooling me

climbingthefourthwall: What the fuck is she talking about

breakingthefourthwall: Well, we always knew she was nuts anyway.

potatopotahto: HEY

potatopotahto: I RESENT THAT


potatopotahto: really you guys

potatopotahto: can you stop the act already

potatopotahto: i already gave you guys potatoes for god's sake

jeanchevaljean: eh?

fuzzypeaches: umm what are you talking about?

potatopotahto: there are three random people texting me in a convo

potatopotahto: and they are making absolutely no sense

fuzzypeaches: but we stopped texting you after you gave us the potatoes

jeanchevaljean: what are their names?

potatopotahto: overthefourthwall, breakingthefourthwall and climbingthefourthwall

jeanchevaljean: ...what the fuck is up with their names

fuzzypeaches: and what's the fourth wall?

potatopotahto: if i KNEW i would TELL you

fuzzypeaches: geez sasha

fuzzypeaches: quit being so sassy

potatopotahto: I'LL BE SASSY ALL I WANT WHEN I'M SLEEP DEPRIVED KAY

potatopotahto: ...

potatopotahto: oh my god

potatopotahto: am i really that sleep deprived?

potatopotahto: i must be hallucinating

jeanchevaljean: what is it?

fuzzypeaches: what's that giant explosion?

fuzzypeaches: did eren accidentally titan shift in his sleep or something

potatopotahto: ...

potatopotahto: colossal titan

potatopotahto: in front of me

potatopotahto: COLOSSAL TITAN

potatopotahto: AND THE ARMORED TITAN

potatopotahto: AND THE FEMALE TITAN

jeanchevaljean: what the fuck-


Author's Notes

Whoooo nice way to end the chapter. Don't worry, nobody (important) will die in this fanfic, so calm your horses.

On a happier note, I'm finally done my finals! I gave my physics final the almighty finger as I left the gym in pure bliss. In fact, I was so happy that I totally forgot to update yesterday! Oops! Which is why I'll add a little short with Jean and Connie at the end of my author's note to make up for you wonderful people!

On an even happier note: 72 FOLLOWERS, 56 FAVOURITES, 60 REVIEWS, AND A BUNCH OF FAVOURITING MYSELF? I don't know how, but I must have done something right for you guys to really like TFSC 3 Lots of love and thanks to Gemini Wonderland, tsukuneXmoka, titan scientist (awesome name btw), 26, TheWriterWhoDreams, gaberr, Peque Saltamontes, Lady Mari-chan, Gleam Tamers Hikari27, Diclonious57, Cyanical, and all the anons for the reviews :)

友よありがとう!

^Correct me if the Japanese is wrong - I tried to minimize the translation errors by going from Korean to Japanese but you never know with Google Translate. I tried translating it from English first, but it ended up saying something like "Thank you for giving me friends" XD.

And on to the comedic duo!


Connie's asking for a death wish. Or maybe he's just a dimwit. Perhaps it's both.

fuzzypeaches: hey jean

jeanchevaljean: eh?

jeanchevaljean: what is it?

fuzzypeaches: you remember that text about surrendering like the french?

jeanchevaljean: oh yeah

jeanchevaljean: i'm surprised you didn't know that

jeanchevaljean: the french are notorious for being surrender monkeys

jeanchevaljean: that and being angry and protesting and striking everything in general

jeanchevaljean: what about it?

fuzzypeaches: then you're a surrender monkey too!

fuzzypeaches: cause you're french

jeanchevaljean: ...

jeanchevaljean: BALDFACE I AM HALF FRENCH

jeanchevaljean: DO YOU NOT SEE MY GERMAN LAST NAME

jeanchevaljean: KIRSCHSTEIN

jeanchevaljean: DOES THAT SOUND FUCKING FRENCH TO YOU

fuzzypeaches: wow you really are french

jeanchevaljean: HALF FRENCH

fuzzypeaches: so you're half a surrender monkey then?


I promise to update soon :)