A/N: Okay here you all go. Hopefully I'll get some more up for you soon. Big thanks to Johanna – 002 and nofearonlylove. Without them …. Well, I'd probably actually have a lot more finished, but they keep me motivated and yell at me until I get things done ;)

XOXOXO

Nicky couldn't sleep. Every time she closed her eyes she kept expecting to open them up to her room in max. It was so bad that she didn't even want to close them at all. The only thing she could think about was how alone she had been.

Not many things scared Nicky - the list was short, but each item on it was big. Being alone and isolated was one of the top contenders. It was almost scary being back after so much time in max. Until Luschek had shown up she had almost forgotten what her life before had been like.

In max every day was the same. They blended together so seamlessly that she started to lose track of how long she had been there. Everything was becoming familiar. She was numb to any emotions she'd previously felt.

She had tried to forget everyone she'd left behind. Emotionally shutting down was a skill she had learned from a young age. It was, surprisingly, the drugs that kept her from going insane. Staying clean seemed to give her something to fight for - something to be hopeful about. Avoiding drugs had been the one thing she could focus on that wouldn't drive her crazy.

Because if she stopped focussing on staying clean, she remembered. She remembered everything. The feeling of being so alone scratched against her ribs and made her ache worse than any detox she'd been through. She was alone - only this time, unlike all the others, she knew what it was like to not feel that way. Before max she'd had people. She had let them in and learned to love them in a way she had never been taught.

Then he had come. Luschek had come to her trying to find some relief for what he had done. It was her fault too, but his visit was a slap to the face. She felt everything tenfold. She was alone. There was no hope of this being made right. She was homesick and angry and lonely - so fucking lonely. It hurt and enraged her to a degree where she didn't even recognize herself.

Her life was ruined. Even if she made it clean until her time was up. What would happen then? She wouldn't have a prison family she could just call up for support. She wouldn't have anyone. Why the fuck wasn't she doing drugs? Everything was so fucked up. At the least, they might take away the pain.

Red woke up and instantly started to listen for what it was that had drawn her out of sleep. She didn't hear snoring - thank the heavens - but she did hear sniffling from the edge of the cube. She blinked her eyes several times trying to focus her vision on the figure.

As her eyes focussed, the first thing she saw was wild hair. Without saying a word, she gestured for Nicky to enter and she slid against the wall to make room. Nicky all but ran over to Red's bed, naked feet pattering along the cold floor. It reminded Red of a small child afraid of the dark running to the next spot of safety.

She lifted the covers and Nicky climbed into her bed. Red had been expecting this visit and had tried to stay awake, but when Nicky never showed she allowed herself to fall asleep.

It was Nicky's first night back and as grateful as she was to be back in Litchfield, it wasn't enough. She needed Red. They needed each other. Nicky didn't feel safe. She hadn't for months, but now she had something to quell those horrible feelings. It was the only place she wanted to be. Red had a way of making everything feel solid and real.

They had been apart for so long that it would be a lengthy healing process for Nicky before she felt safe enough to settle in once more. The whole day seemed like everything was back to normal. Nicky was just like she had been when she'd left. She was sarcastic and mouthy, but there was humor and lightness in her eyes. It felt like everything was just as it should be. Until later in the evening.

To everyone else Nicky may have seemed just like her old self, but Red noticed the small things. Nicky was hesitant when she would never have been before. She was cautious and nervous. The closer the day drew to coming to an end, the more agitated Nicky seemed. Red knew it was fear. It broke her heart to see how much Nicky feared being snatched away again.

Red didn't know if Nicky would survive that. She didn't know if she would. Nicky was hers and it wasn't until she had been gone that she realized just how much joy the younger woman brought her.

She pulled Nicky close against her and tried to ignore her own pain as Nicky trembled and began to cry against her chest. Nicky needed her to be strong. She needed someone who would tell her things would be okay. Someone she believed. More than anything, Nicky just needed to be loved.

"You're not alone any longer Nicky," Red said, as she kissed the top of her head. She felt Nicky clutch at her nightgown desperately. Red just squeezed her tighter knowing that in this moment Nicky would never be able to get close enough to feel safe. "Hush now," she urged. "You're home."

Her own eyes were closed, trying to stop herself from crying. Her words were as much for her as they were for the bundle of need in her arms. "You're home," she repeated, reminding them both of the truth.

That managed to break through Nicky's fear. She chuckled against Red and pulled back so that she could look at her. "I am. Aren't I?" Red nodded at her, but all Nicky could do was huff out an amused breath of air and shook her head. "How fucked up is that? Prison is the only place I've ever felt like I was home."

"Nicky," Red said, drawing out her name. "Home isn't a place. It's family. It's friends. It's where you come together and make memories. You never know where you'll find it. You, my girl, just needed a little more time than most to find yours. The best part is that, now, you'll always have it."

Would she always have it? It hadn't felt like that when she had been in max. Looking up at Red, Nicky started to protest, but was quieted by Red's finger against her lips. Not yet, her eyes said and for once Nicky listened.

"You'll always have it," she said, nodding knowingly with raised eyebrows. She knew how unstable Nicky's life had always been. Nothing would ever feel permanent to her for a very long time. She would repeat herself as many times as she needed to make Nicky understand - make her believe.

"It doesn't matter what happens. Family is always with you, even if you can't see them. Remember this moment. Remember your time here. You draw from those memories when you need strength or comfort."

She could see Nicky was fighting her words and pushed a little harder. She wanted to make this personal. Something about Nicky and not just romanticized sentiment that sounded generic and flippant. "You draw from that love… and yes Nicky, you are. You are so very loved. "

Breathlessly Nicky stared at her. She didn't fight of Red's words - which was a relief. Instead, Red watched the girl before her crumble under the weight of all she had said. Nicky's eyes filled with tears and she briefly wondered if she had pushed too hard.

Nicky's bottom lip wobbled and finally she spoke. "Why does it hurt so much?" she asked, trying not to let her voice fall into a whimper. She wanted that unyielding love. She always had, but now with it laid out in front of her it was almost too much.

There had never been a time in Nicky's life where anyone had really fought for her. Not in the way that she needed. Marka was happy to fight with her and on her behalf to whomever would listen, but Marka never fought to have a relationship or even connection with her.

Everyone else in her life had kind of drifted in and out depending on their needs and wants. Prison was the first place where she had found people that were steady. Even if she wasn't close to them, the walls caging them in gave her a feeling of permanence and stability.

Now to add love to that made her lungs hurt like they were being crushed by a weight of responsibility she might not be able to bear. She was loved. Even thinking the words left her with an insecurity and fear. Their love and affection may have come willingly, but Nicky felt like it was more than she deserved.

She had realized a long time ago that those weren't emotions for her. It wasn't a part of the life she had been born into. Faced with the reality that they could be overwhelmed her and terrified her. It hurt in a way that felt physical. It was partially fear, but something more than that. Something along the lines of redemption - a forgiveness she didn't feel she deserved.

Red brushed hair away from her face and tugged gently on her ear. "Why does what hurt honey?" She brushed her thumb across Nicky's cheek, patiently waiting for an answer.

How did she explain it? She knew her life experience had left her ignorant to a lot of things that other people took for granted. Apparently something as simple as being cared about was one of them. "Being loved," Nicky said, feeling as if the words themselves were strangling her.

She felt grief for the little girl she had once been, the little girl that was still living within her and just as scared and wanting. It felt like all she had ever wanted were people to connect with on such a deep level.

Red cooed at her gently and leaned forward to kiss her forehead. "It won't always, Malyshka. It won't always hurt like this." She couldn't even pretend to understand what Nicky was feeling, but the one thing she was certain of was that she would never brush her fears away with mere platitudes. Nicky deserved better than that.

She wasn't equipped to tell Nicky how to survive being loved - she truly didn't know. If she were being honest Nicky looked like it might kill her if she didn't get a grip on it. It was something Red had never had to learn that. Love had always been a part of her life in some form or another.

The only thing she could offer right now was stability and patience. She needed to hear Nicky's fears and be there to help her bear the emotional weight that was now hanging between them. She was so young emotionally that it wasn't anything she should have to tackle alone.

Nicky saw the determination in Red's eyes. It wasn't the soft look from earlier. It was something more resolved and serious. Something that told her that Red would fight every single one of Nicky's fears and break through all her walls. Nicky wanted to be loved, but that didn't mean she didn't have every tactic she could master in place to shield herself from that love.

In Nicky's lifetime love had only ever meant pain and disappointment. All of her instincts were to run from it, to shut it out, or to push it away. Love meant fear and pain and defeat. It was all she had ever known. The more she craved it and sought it out the harder her instincts tried to fight against it.

As an adult, in age alone, Nicky had often wondered if that was what made her so unlovable. It had become a chicken and the egg conundrum throughout her life and she had given up on finding answers. It didn't matter if she was unlovable when no one loved her anyways.

She wiggled closer to Red, hiding her face in her hands. She began to cry, but they weren't just tears of sadness. It was pain and relief all bundled into one cry of despair. She wanted so much to be loved. She wanted to be loved in a way that didn't leave her doubting or scared. She knew Red would fight for her and the power of that silent promise both calmed her and gave her hope.

Red pulled Nicky close again and pulled her hands away from her face. Holding them in one of her own. Sometimes she wished Nicky was as child sized as she acted. It would certainly make it easier to try and hold her in a way that made her feel safe.

"It's too much," Nicky said, shaking her head no. She started to squirm in Red's grasp, as if she could escape the pain she had spoken of. "I can't." Red was putting every ounce of emotion into her words and gestures and Nicky couldn't describe her own reaction as anything other than pain.

She was terrified of the weight of Red's love and she didn't know what to do with it. She felt like if she were to let go of the only barriers that kept her safe from Marka or the world that she would break. How could she possibly let Red love her and stay safe at the same time?

Red just held her tighter against herself, knowingly. She hated to see Nicky like this. Red knew Nicky better than Nicky knew herself though. Her walls were being threatened and instinct told her to run. That she knew exactly what to do with. Red held her closer, tight enough to subdue Nicky's struggles. "You're safe Nicky," she promised.

Voice cracking with emotion, Red just kept murmuring words of support against Nicky's ear. "You're not going to push me away that easily," she said. "You won't be able to push me away at all. I'm not her Nicky. I'm not going to let go. I love you sweet girl."

Shaking her head, Nicky tried to block out Red's words. Her squirming turned into fighting against Red's grip, but trying to get away was futiles. She just needed to feel safe. Her trust had been broken so many times in the past. She knew Red was being honest and that all of Nicky's fears were irrational in this case, but she didn't know how to stop.

"I won't let you go," Red promised, squeezing her even tighter if that were at all possible. She fought off Nicky's struggles and kept her firmly in her girl. "You're safe Nicky. You're safe and your loved and you don't have to worry about anything else. Just let go. Let me love you. You won't break."

They struggled back and forth for about ten more minutes, though it felt like much longer. Nicky would struggle between giving in and escaping while Red moved fluidly between hanging on and coaxing Nicky down from the intensity of her fear.

Eventually Nicky slumped against her, giving in to defeat. Her sobs turned into meek little whimpers that seemed like the only thing she had left in her. Her cheeks were red and blotchy stained with drying tears. She had no fight left in her and if she were honest she was glad. The worst of it was over. At least for now.

Red knew it wouldn't be easy for a long time. She was okay with that. Nicky may resist love, but even then it was so easy to love her. Red couldn't imagine going back to a time when Nicky wasn't there with her. From the beginning Red had seen how much Nicky needed to be loved. She flourished under it too. It wasn't just healing for her. Nicky herself changed so much even if she didn't realize it.

Being loved gave Nicky hope and strength. It gave her the resolve to stop using. The desire to take care of those around her. She was happy and Red could see the depth of that every time Nicky watched her when she thought Red wasn't looking. Yes, Red was certain Nicky could move forward from the damage she'd known. It would just take time and until then Red was there with enough love for the both of them. Nicky would find her way eventually.

Nicky felt Red's grasp slacken around her. She felt a flicker of fear that now the older woman would push her away or say enough, but instead Red had begun to play with her hair and rub circles on her back. Nicky closed her eyes and felt her breath starting to calm. She was exhausted both emotionally and physically.

They lay like that for some time. Both content to just be. Sleep would come soon, but until it did they just basked in the comfort of one another. Nicky's voice broke with sleep coated words, as she spoke. "Hey Ma? I think you're mine." Trying to hold back a yawn, Nicky nuzzled against Red sleepily.

"Your what Nicky?" Red asked, brushing hair off of Nicky's face. She continued to run her hand along Nicky's face in the same gesture, hoping to bring her comfort.

Nicky had grown heavy against her. Red thought she might have fallen asleep, but Nicky began to mumble. "My home."

"Oh honey," Red said, it felt like her heart was breaking. How could anyone have ever denied this girl something so easily given as love. Nicky was the most loving girl she knew and she couldn't imagine turning her away. There was no reason good enough. Nicky deserved love more than anyone and Red swore she would always try to give her as much as she could. "You're mine too," she promised, as she herself started to feel the same sleep that had already claimed Nicky.

She lay contently for a moment just playing over everything that had transpired between them. For now, it was enough. It was a good start and she hoped that the crack in Nicky's walls that she had found would stick. In time she knew Nicky would find what she needed and believe in it.