A/N: This story might just be for me since I haven't updated in forever! If you still read this story thank you and feedback is welcomed.
Broken- Ch. 6
It's been three weeks since I found out about my brothers death and nothing is okay. My dad has been staying at a hotel for the last week. He told us he needs some space. To mourn, but I know deep inside it was too hard to be around mother and I. I am so mad at him for leaving me with mother. When he told me he couldn't look me in the eye. He knows the relationship between mother and I. He knows this is only the best for him and not me. God my family can be so selfish! But hey, so can I.
So ever since my dad left to live in a hotel my mom has gone mental. It's like she has an "off" switch. She is physically there but not mentally. She doesn't acknowledge me at all or goes outside at all. The only time she goes outside is to go to a local pub and drink away her sorrows. Some evenings I come home from school and instead of smelling weed I smell alcohol from her bedroom. I get home at four thirty every day and she is already wasted. When I bring her some water she usually starts yelling at me saying how fucked up her family was. This has become a daily routine.
If you think home sucks, school has gotten worst. I still get ugly stares from classmates when I walk to my locker. I don't get acknowledgements from them and this Natalie chick is awful. I mean not as bad as Lauren Cooper, but a close second. Whenever I am near or talk to Mitchell she always comes in and interrupts our conversation and she gives me this stare like I am the most evil person alive. I mean I am use to it. I get that stare from most of my classmates but her stare creeps me out. Mitchell tells me to forget about her but honestly it is hard. I just always wanted to be liked. And now I am the most hated. I mean no one likes me. My best friend hates me, the guy who I thought I loved and bailed my family and Amy out of jail don't like me. I mean none of them can stand to be near me or even look at me. So when Mitchell takes the time to talk to me I feel a little better about myself.
Mitchell asks if we could study together at my house and my responds is always no. I am too embarrassed for anyone to see my living condition. I mean my house is a mess. I have a drunk mother and my brother knocked up a girl who is staying in our guest room. It is all is too much. How messed up can my life get. So I never invite anyone over (not that there is anyone to invite) or when I answer the door I go outside and close the door behind me to cover up the mess.
I haven't told Mitchell about any of my current situation. I just need to deal with this by myself, because I created this mess and I deserve to have a horrible life.
Today after school I have to go grocery shopping for my family. This morning when I went to get breakfast there was nothing in the fridge. I feel like my role has changed from being the child to parent. It is exhausting!
Right before I was about to leave school Principal Penelope asks me to come to her office. I have this bad feeling in my stomach. The last time she asks me to come to her office I was told about my brother's death.
Principal Penelope asks me how I am doing. I say fine which is a complete lie. I am anything from fine. She stares at me, knowing my lie. She then tells me that she noticed a mood change lately and is very concern with my wellbeing. She thinks that I need to seek help. I stare at her. She thinks I've gone mental. She tells me that many students have gone to counseling. That one of our classmates, Oliver goes to a counselor and that he is doing much better now. I remember Oliver telling me that I am one of his triggers and to stay away from him. I go back to listening. She tells me that I will be seeing Counselor Gibson during my P.E. period starting today. I can't believe this is happening. I tell her I don't want to go and she says she thinks it is for the best. She says it will make me feel better. I hardly agree. I don't want to talk to someone who I don't know and express my feelings. I just need to deal with everything on my own. I try to argue some more but Principal Penelope says this is final. I feel defeated.
I get up from my chair and walk out. This can't be happening, I don't need anyone. I walk pass them without a care in the world. I feel their stares on my back but ignore them like usual. I even walk past Natalie and ignore her. I also feel her stare on my back. Right now I am pissed. Pissed that this all is happening to me. Why they fuck are they staring at me. None of them like me, so why waste their energy on me.
I walk, walk to the one place I feel like home. The only place I can be alone. I want to be alone. I want to scream. I want to cry. But I don't. I don't allow myself to do any of those things because I deserve to feel this pain. I deserve to feel numb.
I find the same spot that I was previously the day I found out about my brother. I sit down on the grass and stare. Stare at who knows what. I just know I don't want to be home or at school. I just want to be alone.
It's that time of day I am dreading. The time of day where I will be alone with a strange women who wants me to express my feelings. I shouldn't have gotten out of bed today. I could have skipped school today; it is not like my mom would have notice that I stayed home. But no, I went to school today and I already regret it.
I walk up to room 232. I've never been to a counselor before so I don't know rather to knock on the door or just walk in. I decided to knock on the door. After a few seconds the door opens and a dark skin lady tells me to come in. She asks me my name and tells me to fill out some paper work. I feel like I am in a doctor's office; about to get a checkup for my mental state.
I answer the questions on the packet. These questions are stupid. "On a rate of one to ten how do you describe your way of thinking" and "When you're alone do you A). Think about life's accomplishments; B). Think about hurting yourself or; C). Actually hurting yourself.
If I was going to hurt myself I think I would have done that by now.
I turn in the packet and wait. I wait for about five minutes before a tall skinny woman with short blond curly hair greets me. She is dressed like a hippy, which reminds me of my mother. I try to push that thought away.
"Hi, you must be Karma Ashcroft" she says holding out her right hand.
"Uh- Yes I am." I shake her hand. I feel very awkward.
"Well, Karma, come into my office."
I follow her to her office and defiantly get a hippy vibe. Her room is filled with bright colors and signs saying "Express Yourself". As I sit in an empty chair I feel her staring at me. I stare back at her for what seems like centuries.
"So K-dog, what's up girlfriend!" She says crossing her left leg over her right and leaning back in her chair.
Is this women qualified to be a counselor?
"Nothing much" I respond.
She is staring at me like she is reading my true feelings.
"Okay, K-Dog. Lets set things straight. This is a safe place, a place where feelings are real. I am your girl, if you need to talk at midnight I'm here for you because you know I totally have a boyfriend." She stares down at her hand. "But you are my girl, and girls don't let girls down, right?" she says giving me a wink.
I stare at her. Is she for real?
"So what's up K-dog? Talk to me! How are things going?"
"Everything is fine, perfect actually. Can I go?" I say starting to get up from my chair.
"What, no! Were just getting started!"
"Well Ms. Gibson, I-"
"K-dog, call me Mel! I like being on a first name basis with my students"
"But my name is Karma not K-Do-"
"K-dog-"
I roll my eyes, is this lady serious?
"I sense a lot of resistance coming your way. You need to let people in girlfriend! Let them share life's experiences with you. Let them see all you have to offer."
I think this lady bought something from my parent's food truck a while ago. She is talking nonsense.
The bell rings. Saved by the bell!
"Okay, K-Dog. I will see you here everyday"
I get up from my chair and start walking towards the door.
"Remember, this is a safe place!" I hear her say and I walk out the door.
As I close the door behind me I think this is going to be a long semester!
I wake up with tears in my eyes.
Today was going to be a bad day.
Today, November 7th was the day of Zen Ashcroft's funeral.
I got up out of bed and went downstairs to the kitchen. To my surprise my dad was siting at the table with my mom across from his sipping her cup of tea.
My dad looks up as I pass it. He smiles and grabs my hands and squeezes it tight.
I look at him and could see the pain in his eye. I know it must be hard for him, to lose a son and having to celebrate his life today. It truly sucks. I look at my mother's eyes and see the same thing. Sometimes I wonder if people looked at my eyes they would see this dark hole. But I don't have to worry about that. Nobody gives me the time of day but Mitchell.
Sometimes Mitchell will invite me over this his house. We would sit on his couch and watch TV. Sometimes we talk, other times he just lets me think. Sometimes I tell him I want to be alone and he replies that it is unhealthy for me to be alone so often. He cares for me. I am not sure why but he does. Part of me wants to push him away. To tell him to forget about me but it is nice sometimes to have someone with you. Just to have for support.
Sometimes Natalie will show up. When she does the mood changes. I know she doesn't like me. She never tried to talk to me and gives me a nasty looks. Ever since the moment after I was told I had to go to a counselor she has given me a less nasty stare. Usually when she shows up I make an excuse and leave. Mitchell tells me to stay but I know when I am not wanted. One time Natalie was about to say something but she quickly closes her mouth. I guess it was something insulting.
But today I needed Mitchell. I hated how depended I became of him. I know I should be alone and deal with things on my own but there is so much a girl can take. And he knows about my brother so I don't have to explain stuff. Sometimes he asks me about Amy and Liam but when that comes up I quickly change the subject. He got the point after a couple of tries. He tells me when I am ready that he is all ears.
I got upstairs and change in to my clothes for the funeral. The funeral was in two hours. Mitchell said he would meet me in an hour so I have plenty of time to get ready.
After about fifteen minutes I am staring at myself in the mirror. I don't know what to think. My thoughts are racing in head. Mitchell told me to come over last night and tried to comfort me. He could tell how anxious I was about the funeral. He told me to just take deep breaths and he will be there for me.
I remember how anxious I was last night. I was having trouble breathing. The memory played in my mind over and over last night.
"Mitchell this is stupid. She is not going to answer!"
"How do you know if you don't try? I mean, do you want her there?"
That was a stupid question. Of course I wanted my best friend there with me during a time that I needed her most.
I thought back on when my gam gam died. How she spend every second with me, holding me. She always wanted to make sure I was okay. But I had an unpleasant feeling that she could care less about how I felt.
So far Mitchell was the only one who knew about my brothers death. He told me that Natalie asked a couple of times what was wrong with me. I stared at him in disbelief. He said maybe if Amy knew she would come and comfort me. I was afraid of the outcome of this situation.
Mitchell handed me my phone.
"I wouldn't know what to say" I say honestly. It had been two months since we spoke and she feels like a stranger to me.
"Don't worry. Talk from your heart. I will be here for you. Right here!" He says patting a spot my bed. He makes me feels safe. I try not to be clingy but I feel like I need someone now.
"Okay- here goes nothing" I said.
I type in her number and it populated in my phone. I knew her number by heart since the day we got cell phones. She was the first number I memorized before my parents.
I press "call"
One ring, two rings, three rings. "Hi, this is Amy. Leave a message!"
It felt comforting hearing her voice.
"Um-Hey Aimes. This is Karma. But you know that"
I feel like an idiot.
"Listen. I know things aren't good between us, but something happened to my family. My brother died last month in Afghanistan and tomorrow is his funeral. I need you. I miss you. If you could come tomorrow at one that would mean the world to me. –Pause- Amy. I am sorry for everything, I am so sorry."
I sigh. That was difficult. I wonder if she is going to come.
"Was that so bad?" Mitchell said. I stared at him.
"Yes, that was terrible! Why did I do that?" I say mainly to myself.
"Because you miss her. You want her to be there for you!"
I feel really clingy. I need to become more dependent. That will be my new year resolution.
"Do you want to call Liam?"
"What?" I said, in shock.
"I think you should call Liam. I mean he cares for you too. Maybe he being there will help you too?"
I stare at my phone thinking how I will feel if I called him.
I now know that I don't love him. I am attracted to him but what we have was nothing compared to what Amy and I had. I feel guilty for playing him. I honestly didn't mean too. I guess you can say I am confused. Amy didn't deserve what I did to her and Liam didn't deserve what I did to him either. I completely understand why they pushed me away. I wish I could go back in time and change everything. Maybe if I could Amy and I would be inseparable like when we were younger. And Liam would be just another guy.
I feel a hand on my knee. I look up and Mitchell is holding my phone. I look at my phone and see Liam's name on the screen.
I look up at Mitchell and he nods.
I press, "call".
One ring, two rings, Voice mail.
Not this again! I think annoyed.
"Hey Liam, This is Karma. Listen I know we aren't good right not but my brother died last month in Afghanistan and his funeral is tomorrow. If you could come that would mean a lot to me. I am sorry about everything, you have to know that. The funeral is at one. Hopefully I see you tomorrow. Bye"
Calling Amy and Liam didn't make me feel better. I am not sure if I feel worst now but what is done is done. Now we play the waiting game.
Mitchell gives me a tight hug and tells me everything will be okay.
I have an hour till Mitchell will be at my house. I took this time to lay down. For the first time in two months I opened my brothers room that was across from me. We offered Savi to stay in his room but she said she didn't feel right. I forgot how she must have been feeling by his death. I mean she is carrying his child. I make a mental note to make an effort to make sure she is okay.
I walk in my brother's room. It feels foreign. I remembered when I was younger and we would play in his room. He would have an Army action figure and I would play with Barbie. I remember we would make up these elaborate stories. Then I remember the couple of times Amy and I would play in his room when he was at soccer practice. He had the bigger room so we could play with more toys in his room. That was our logic.
I take a deep breath. The room looks and smells the same, like him. Even though he has been gone for more than a year the room smells like him. I walk over to his bed. It is nicely made. Something about his bed draws me to it. I lay my head on his pillow. The feeling is overwhelming. All these memories start flooding my mind and I feel tears in my eyes. Before I knew it I am crying hard on my brothers bed. His pillow smells like him. His bed reminds me of the times I was too scared to sleep by myself so I would ask him if I could sleep with him. All I could do was cry. I cried for what seems like forever.
I hear a knock on the door. I don't turn around. I don't want anyone to see state right now. I wipe away my tears.
I hear footsteps coming closer to me. Then a hand is on my shoulder. I turn around and see my mother staring at me. I want to tell her to go away but I am weak and I don't have to voice. I turn away.
She puts her arms around me as I continue to lie down. She grabs my hands and lightly squeezes it.
"It is weird, being in his room when he is gon-"
She couldn't complete the sentence. I am glad she didn't because I don't think I could keep my tears from falling. She is about to cry. I turn around and see my mother for the first time. I see how sad she is. How much she is mourning.
"You know he loved you" my mother said tears falling from her eyes. "He loved and cared for you so much. When you were younger and a boy would come near you he would always go up to him and intimidate him. One time he punched a boy because he said you were pretty. He was suspended for a day." My mom said, almost laughing.
I don't know why my mother is telling me this. It makes me feel worst.
"He would have been a great father, wouldn't he".
Her words stung deeply. Reality is starting to hit.
"Yea, he would." Was all I could say, I am trying very hard not to let my mom see me cry. He told me to be strong. She told me to be strong for our parents. I will not let him down.
"I miss him mom, I miss him so much. Why did this happen to him? Why?" I lost control of keeping my feeling hidden. I let myself go. My mom holds me tight as I cry on her shoulder.
We stay like this for several minutes. Taking each other in. Savoring this moment.
"Baby, it is time." I let go of my mom. I forgot the feel of her. I miss her. I am reminded of the old days when I got hurt she would kiss my boo boo. She would make me feel better.
We get up and she grabs my hand. And kisses my cheek. We walk downstairs.
We pull up to the funeral home. It is small but nice. American flags are around the venue. I see a lot of my brother military friends.
As we walk up I feel stares on me. Some are relatives and some are my brother's friends from the military and school. I feel and overwhelming feeling in my stomach.
I feel a hand in my hand and look to my right. I am disappointed to find Mitchell by my side. I am hoping Amy or Liam will come today. But I am not going to lie. I have a feeling that neither will show up. I smile at him and give him a squeeze.
Before we head into the room where my brother's casket was I give one last look around. I didn't see what I was looking for.
As we walk to the room we stop at the last person in the line. One by one family and friends said goodbye to the beloved Zen Ashcroft. A couple of people were in front of me and I see Zen's biological parents. We didn't have much contact with them but they were present for Zen's eighteenth birthday and the day he left to join the Army. They spot me and give me a big hug. They told me how they are sorry for my lost and that he loved me deeply. I honestly don't know if these people really knew him because the Zen I knew could care less for me. They go back in line and I see them talking to Savi. I am glad she is talking to them. I mean they are going to be her daughter's grandparents also.
Before I knew it we were next in line. A man was in front of the door letting one person at a time. He slightly smiled at me.
He then said "Are you ready?"
I froze. How could I be ready to say goodbye to my brother. How could anyone say goodbye to someone they loved. How could I be prepared. I can't say goodbye to someone I love. This is was all too much. I feel a squeeze from my right hand and look at Mitchell.
"I will be right here if you need me." He said looking me in the eye.
"You can't come with me?" I asked. I am not sure I could do this alone.
Mitchell pulls me for a hug.
"Karm, you need to say goodbye. It doesn't mean he will be gone forever. He will always be here." He was pointing to my heart. He always knew what to say.
"I'm not ready" I reply in a whisper.
"Karma, you need this. You need to say goodbye."
"No, what am I going to say. I am not ready to say goodbye. Goodbye means he will be gone. And he cant be gone" I cry.
He pulls me for another hug and kisses my forehead.
"I will be out here." He says.
I nod and turn towards the door. The man standing there opens the door. I took a deep breath and started walking.
There I see it. The casket. The room is dark surrounded by lit candles. There are two American Flags on each side of his casket. I walk closer to his casket. I see his motionless body. Lying peacefully. I just stare at him. I stare at him for several minutes. I am not sure what I am expecting. Am I waiting for him to wake up? To say gotcha! But nothing happens. He just looks peaceful. Tears are forming in my eyes. It is getting harder to see. I grab his hand and put my head on the edge of the casket. I am started to sob uncontrollably.
I am trying form words from my mouth but nothing is happening. This is all too much. I need her; I desperately needed her and where the hell is she. Probably fucking with Reagan. Okay. I know that was out of line but still. I am allowed to be hurt am I? I mean I am hurting right now, and aren't friends supposed to there for each other and where is she. Nowhere. She isn't here.
I try to keep composed. I feel like I am falling apart. Like I am broken.
I lift my head. Tears are now dripping off of my face.
"Zen. Zen you are so brave. You have always been my hero. Ever since we were little. I know when I was younger I was a brat and I annoyed you but that is what little sisters do right? I thought about you often when you were at war. I always wished and prayed that you will be okay and come back home soon. I missed you so much and I am sorry. I am sorry I never told you this. I am sorry I never told you I loved you and meant it. I know you told me several times that you loved me but I never believed you. I loved you so much. I am sorry I never believed you. I will try to be better. I will make you proud. I will be strong for our parents. I promise I will be strong. I just want to make you proud like you made me proud. I am so proud to be your sister. I love you. I love you Zen. "
I hear the door creak open. I can't see anything. Tears are filling my eyes and I can't control my sobs. I feel arms around me leading me out of the room.
Suddenly we are outside. I can smell the fresh air.
Arms are still around me. I don't know how long we stay there but I just need this moment.
"Why didn't she come?" I ask. I feel my heart breaking more and more.
"Karm-"
"No, why didn't she come. I was there for her when her father left. I was there through all of her mother's weddings and divorces. She is- she was my family."
I get up and start to pace back and forth.
I am angry. I am beyond angry; I am livid! I know I messed up but do I deserve my brother to die? Do I deserve to feel this empty and alone?
I stop pacing and look at Mitchell. He is looking at me with a worried look.
And that was when I knew. I knew that my relationship with Amy Raudenfeld was over.
