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Chapter author: karenec
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Chapter 7
Your lonely voice
Calls across the starlit coast
Reaching out to be seen
"She Cries Your Name" – Beth Orton
Watching a shy smile work its way over Bella Swan's face was like glimpsing the sun coming out from behind rain clouds; her whole face lit up. The pained expression in her eyes receded slightly, replaced by soft warmth that made me smile in return. I decided in that moment to make Bella smile every chance I got.
Closing the passenger side door, I walked around the car and slid in behind the wheel. That was when I realized I had made a grave error. Distracted by my concern for Bella's welfare, I hadn't thought through my physical reaction to her presence in an enclosed space. Now she sat two feet away, looking disheveled and lovely, and running her eyes over my face curiously. The thump of her heart and the rush of her blood beneath her skin were loud in my ears. Her luscious scent filled my nose with freesia and orange blossom mixed with the salty tang of sweat. I bit my lip when I felt myself grow hard.
Oh, hell. My hands trembled as I started the car, and I struggled to get a hold of myself as I pulled the car back into the stream of traffic.
"Um." The sound of her soft voice snapped me out of my lust fog, and I took in the puzzled expression on her face. "Is that your phone? That's the second time I've heard it since you started the car."
"Right, thanks." I reached into my pocket for the chirping phone and saw Jasper's number flash across the screen. "Excuse me, that's my brother calling. I need to take this."
Bella nodded, turning to look out the passenger window while I picked up the call. I held the phone to my ear with my shoulder and thumbed the sunroof control, breathing deeply when fresh air poured into the car.
"Yeah," I spoke into the phone, grimacing at the roughness of my voice.
Jasper's voice was urgent on the other end. "Edward? Why didn't you pick up when I called? Is everything all right?"
"Yeah, it's okay," I said, taking care not to alert Bella that she was the topic of the phone call. "Sorry I missed you; I was distracted for a minute and didn't hear the phone."
He paused for a beat before speaking. "You're all right? And the girl is all right, too?"
"Yes, to both. I'm, ah, making sure of the second part right now, actually," I said, glancing at Bella's profile at the same moment that she coughed into her hand. The noise was soft but perfectly audible to vampire hearing, even over a phone.
There was another pause where I could almost hear Jasper putting the pieces together before he swore softly. "Was that her? She's with you right now, Edward? And you're okay with that?"
"I'm working on being okay with it," I murmured, steering my car past a honking taxi.
"Are you... where are you? Are you driving?"
"I'm parking actually," I replied dryly. I eased the car into a parking spot close to where she had parked her truck before turning off the ignition. "Just grabbing some lunch before the ride back. I'll be back a bit later this afternoon."
"Jesus, Edward, you're way crazier than I gave you credit for. But you sound... surprisingly okay. Call you again in a couple of hours?"
"Yeah, Jas." I ended the call and got out of the car, pocketing my phone as I walked around to open Bella's door.
"Thank you," she muttered as she stepped out. Her cheeks were pink and her eyes were trained on the ground as if she was reluctant to meet my eye.
Wondering if she was still embarrassed at nearly fainting or feeling ill, I bent forward slightly to catch her eye. "Are you all right, Bella?"
Her head snapped up and she blinked at me in surprise. "Yes! Sorry, I'm just not used to anyone holding doors for me or taking me out to lunch. Or, ha, scaring off creepy guys in back alleys."
"Okay," I replied, feeling confused by the shift in her mood. I slid my hands in my pockets as we walked along the sidewalk.
Bella surprised me by groaning abruptly. "Oh, gosh, I haven't even thanked you properly for your help. I don't even know your last name. Wow, I am so sorry-"
I shook my head and interrupted her swiftly. "My last name is Cullen. And please don't thank me. Anyone would have done the same in my place."
"Maybe not." Bella's voice was quiet but firm, as were her eyes when she met my gaze. "Thank you for your help, Edward Cullen."
I nearly stopped walking at the sound of her sweet, slightly husky voice saying my name. Edward. An almost painful wave of longing broke over me. Shaking myself inwardly, I gave her a small smile, not entirely trusting the steadiness of my voice.
"Where are we going, anyway?" she asked, turning her head to look at our surroundings. "This street looks kind of familiar."
"It should," I replied. We had reached the end of the block and I gestured to the Cherry Street sign on the corner. "I saw a coffee house just across from where you parked your truck and thought that would be a good place to grab a bite."
Bella's steps slowed and then stopped, drawing my glance, but the frown on her face really caught my attention. My stomach sank when I saw the wariness returning to her eyes.
"How did you know where I parked my truck?" she asked slowly.
Damn it.
Bella's voice was low and her expression troubled as she faced me. "Why are you in Seattle, Edward, and why this street out of the whole city? Did you follow me today? Because, you know, I'm having trouble believing that this is some kind of coincidence."
"Look, Bella, I know I owe you an explanation," I murmured, watching her distress and confusion grow. "But for right now, can we just get you something to eat? I would rather you didn't faint again."
"I didn't faint ever," she grumbled, and I almost smiled at the stubborn scowl on her pretty face. "Don't be so dramatic."
"Nearly fainted then," I amended, gesturing again toward the coffee house further down the block. "Please, let's find someplace to sit, and then we can talk."
I was relieved when Bella resumed walking, and followed her the remaining half-block and into the coffee house. She did not speak other than to order a sandwich and coffee at the counter, though she raised an eyebrow when I ordered only hot tea.
The silence grew increasingly heavy when we sat in a booth by the front window. Bella kept her eyes lowered while she ate her lunch, and a feeling of gloom overtook me as I sat beside her. I curled my fingers around the cup of tea, letting the heat warm my cool skin, and wondered how to bridge this sudden breach.
"Hey. Come on, Edward," Bella murmured. I glanced up to find her eying me with regret. "Don't look so sad. I shouldn't have been so sharp with you."
"You have nothing to apologize for," I replied somberly. "I wouldn't blame you for never speaking to me again, Bella."
"First I'd have to know what terrible thing you've done," she said pointedly, and wiped her mouth with a paper napkin.
I took a steadying breath and, after a moment, pulled my notebook from my back pocket. The feeling of the smooth leather cover under my fingertips calmed me enough to speak. "I did follow you here to Seattle. That's how I knew where you'd parked your truck."
"I figured as much," Bella replied, her eyes and mouth tightening slightly. "Did you follow me around the school campus today, too?"
"Yes," I said miserably. "I wanted to... keep an eye on you. Make sure you were safe."
"Did you follow me from my house? Do you know where I live, Edward?" Her mouth turned down in a frown and she stared at the uneaten portion of her sandwich. She looked pale and ill again.
"Bella, look at me please," I said, waiting until she raised her dark eyes to mine. "I know where you live because your address is public record. But I've never actually been to your house. I've been to Forks only once; on the day I met you in Garrett's Music last week."
Bella's eyes burned into mine, filled with apprehension and challenge as she stared at me. I simply sat and watched her, hoping she could see the truth in my face. At last, she heaved a shaky breath and raked her dark hair back with one hand. I relaxed minutely and used one finger to nudge her coffee cup toward her, smiling when she picked it up.
"You still haven't told me why you're in Seattle, Edward," she pointed out in between sips of coffee. "Or how you came to be following me at all."
"I followed you, but it was an unplanned trip," I replied. "I was driving to Forks to see you this morning and passed you on the 101 about ten miles from Port Angeles. When I realized it was your truck, I decided to follow you."
"But why were you coming to see me? And why follow me around all day instead of saying something to me?"
"I wanted to make sure you were safe."
"Safe from what?"
"Well, from creeps like that guy in the alley for one, Bella," I said dryly.
"Oh, come on, Edward. You can't honestly believe I'd believe something like that," she exclaimed. "You had no way of knowing that some guy would turn up in a random alley when I just happened to take a wrong turn."
I blew out a breath and shifted my gaze to the untouched cup of tea in front of me.
Bella continued in a softer tone, but I could hear the steel behind it; she wasn't going to let it go. "You said you were on your way to Forks this morning to see me, so you must have had something specific in mind before we even reached Seattle."
I sat silent, my brain racing to figure out a way to continue without confessing that I had pulled much more information than Bella's name and address. I didn't want to tell her I had accessed her school and medical record, her banking statements, and her online browsing histories. I was especially wary of telling her that I knew what websites she had been accessing. And that I was determined to discover the reasons behind her interest.
Bella pushed back her chair abruptly to stand, her movements jerky and unsettled.
"Wait, what are you doing?" The emotion blazing in her face startled me.
"I'm leaving," she fired back in a tight voice. "I agreed to come in here with you because you promised to explain yourself, Edward, and you haven't done that at all."
I moved to lay my hand on Bella's forearm and winced when she gasped and cringed from me. I stood quickly, bending forward so that my mouth was near her ear but making sure not to touch her.
"You're right, Bella," I said in a low voice. "And I'm sorry that I'm going about this so badly. Just give me a chance to explain, please. This isn't easy for me either."
Bella let out a long, shaky breath. I realized she was trembling, and took a careful step back.
"Okay," she croaked out. "But you have to tell me the truth, Edward."
The look in her eyes when she met my gaze was heartbreaking, both anxious and pleading. Though she did not say the words, I knew that she was trying very hard to trust me. I knew too that it cost her a great deal to do so.
"I don't have very many close friends, Edward," she continued more calmly. "And I have a hard time opening up to people. The one thing I need to know is that you're being honest with me."
My hands ached to touch her warm skin again. I held her gaze as I spoke, making my voice gentle. "You can trust me, Bella."
After a long moment, she nodded and I felt like I could breathe again.
aDc
The hardest part of confessing anything is getting the first few words out. And that's how I found myself at the wheel of Bella's musty-smelling truck: tongue-tied and squirming as I tried to find the words to begin. My anxiety increased when I realized that the ancient Chevy could barely travel at the speed limit, but at least the windows worked. I cranked them down, thankful for the fresh air that diluted Bella's scent in the cab.
Convincing Bella to let me drive her back to Forks had been easy when I offered to continue our conversation on the way. But I found myself flailing when the time came to speak the words. The weight of Bella's gaze on the side of my face made it even more difficult to gather my thoughts, and I rubbed my hand through my hair in frustration.
"Edward, stop," she said gently. "You're going to think yourself into an aneurysm at this rate."
I huffed out a laugh before I could stop myself and glanced over to see one side of her mouth pull up in a small grin. "I'm nervous, Bella."
"I can see that. Just say whatever it is you need to say. Rip it off, like a band-aid."
"Ugh, why does everyone always go with that gross bandage metaphor?"
"Still waiting over here, Captain Evasive."
"Bella, I'm asking you nicely to please, never call me that in front of anyone."
Bella rolled her eyes at me and ran her thumb over her forehead in exasperation. "Still waiting, Edward."
I nodded and frowned. Stalling wasn't going to make the conversation any easier. "I told you that I looked you up after we met at Garrett's because I wanted to know your name. But I didn't tell you that I looked up a lot more information while I was at it."
"Information like my birth certificate or my social security number?" Bella's brows drew together over her eyes as she took in my words. "Personal identity stuff like that?"
"Yes," I said evenly. "Information like that… and then more. Your parents' names. Your dad's record of service with the Forks PD. Your mom's address in California, and her husband's place of business. Birth records, medical records, school records-"
"But why?" Bella's voice was a bit higher, signaling confusion and some distress. "You had my name already... you said you that got that out of the Forks High School yearbook."
"Knowing your name was just the start," I replied quietly. "I'm really good at data mining, Bella. When I'm interested in something, I dig up as much information as I can. I'm interested in you, and I dug up your information."
She was silent for a long moment as she processed how far I had gone with my snooping. I heard her swallow loudly before she spoke again. "What does your... hacking have to do with wanting to keep me safe or following me to Seattle? You keep saying that you want to keep an eye on me, but I don't understand what that means."
I had spent enough time around Bella in the past few hours to know that she was intensely guarded. So I had no doubt that my next words were going to embarrass her deeply. I also knew that I could not lie to her. Right or wrong, I needed to be around Bella in any capacity she would allow. If I had any choice of gaining her trust, I had to be truthful.
Licking my lips nervously, I fixed my stare on the road. "I told you that I looked up everything I could find. That includes your online activities, Bella. I accessed your browsing habits. Your shopping history, bank information, search histories... website visits."
A soft gasp told me she understood what I was driving at. I plowed ahead, desperate to get everything out before she ordered me to pull the truck over and kicked me out.
"I didn't read your email or instant messages, though I could have. I did look at the websites you've been frequenting, and their content. When I realized that so many of the sites you've been browsing had to do with trauma and recovery, I became concerned."
I blew out a breath before confessing the most difficult detail. "This morning I created an account on the support site you've been visiting every day—"
"Damn it, Edward!" Bella exclaimed in a tight voice.
My eyes flew across the cab to find her she was scowling, her dark eyes. Her knees were pulled against her chest protectively, and her hands were balled into fists. The sight of her distress pierced me
Immediately, I pulled the truck onto the shoulder and turned off the ignition. For a moment, Bella's expression was edged with panic and I realized that she was becoming frightened of me.
"I'm so sorry, Bella," I murmured miserably. "I know that what I did is all kinds of messed up, but please understand that I did it out of concern for you.
"I swear to you that I didn't read anything you authored on that website. In fact, I didn't even look for your user information. I just... I needed to understand what kind of support the site was offering."
Bella made no reply as she listened to me. She no longer looked fearful, but I felt sick as I watched anger and humiliation cross her face at my words. She was hurting and it was my fault.
"I knew something was wrong the first time I saw you; I could see it in your eyes. The things I read on that site... when I realized what kind of things the kids on the website were dealing with, I just felt even worse knowing I was right. That something awful had happened to you." I swallowed hard against the tightness that filled my throat at the thought of what Bella might have endured. What Alice might have endured.
"The more I thought about it, the more worried I became. This morning I realized that something bad could be happening to you right now, in Forks. The next thing I knew, I was on my way to find you. I'm not sure what I would have said to you if I'd found you at your house, but I wanted to help. I just needed to act."
"And that's when you saw me driving to Seattle," Bella murmured in a low voice.
I nodded sadly. "I was so keyed up already when I saw you; I thought it just made sense to keep an eye on you. I followed you around the campus and when you headed back to your truck, I walked ahead. That's why you didn't see me. When you didn't turn up on Cherry Street, I knew something was up, so I went looking for you."
"And you just got lucky, spotting me in an alley off a side street. From your car." Bella's voice was heavy with sarcasm.
I nodded silently, and sighed when Bella's mouth twisted in response to my obvious lie.
She turned her attention out the window, shutting me out. I thought of the things I could say to her, words of reassurance or pleas for forgiveness. I longed to brush my knuckles against the top of her hand. But I knew I could not touch her. Tthe longer I stared at her rigid form, the weaker my words seemed. After several minutes of icy silence, I was thoroughly dejected.
"Do you want me to take you home, Bella?" I asked quietly and turned back to the steering wheel.
"Yes, please," she replied, and her flat tone made my chest ache.
aDc
The only conversation held during the remainder of the ride to Forks was between Jasper and me when he called. We were about twenty minutes from Forks when Bella's quiet voice caught my ear again.
"How did you find me?"
"I followed you," I said slowly, confused by her question.
"No, I mean when I got turned around in the alley with that guy." Bella turned to look at me for the first time since we had resumed driving. She appeared exhausted by the emotional roller-coaster ride she had endured that afternoon, but her eyes sparked with curiosity. "How did you find me?"
"You said it yourself. I got lucky," I said lamely. "I drove around looking for you and you were standing on the sidewalk by the time I found that intersection. I recognized you."
"Edward, I'm not a fool," Bella said, her voice biting. "How did you know where I was? And how did you get out of your car so quickly when I was feeling sick? I saw you; you were in your car one second and then holding my arms the next. It was... impossible."
"I don't know what you mean," I said stiffly. I glanced at her and pursed my lips when I realized Bella was glaring at me.
"Uh-uh, no. You have no right to say something like that to me after you admitted to snooping into every corner of my life. Call it whatever you want, but you were stalking me, Edward, and you know it. You owe me an explanation," she insisted.
"Hell, Bella," I groaned. "I know you're right, but it's not that simple. I just can't tell you some of the things you want to know. You have to trust me on this."
Bella let out a disbelieving laugh. "Trust you! You're really asking me to trust you when you won't do the same for me?"
"I suppose I am." My entire body was tense with frustration at both myself and the situation I had created.
"Well I can't do that, Edward." Sorrow replaced the anger in Bella's face before she turned away from me again. "You say you're concerned for me, you hack your way into my private life, and you ask for my trust. But you're hiding something from me. I don't know the first thing about you, other than your name. If that's even your real name. How on earth can I trust you?"
Bella's quiet words stunned me into silence and filled me with shame. She was right. I had insinuated myself into her secrets for purely selfish reasons. Compelled by instincts I hardly understood, I pushed myself on her. Knowing how deeply she valued trust, I promised to be candid. But when she held me to the promise, I withdrew. I had proven myself completely unworthy of her trust.
"You'll need to take a left up here on Calawah Way," she said, interrupting my thoughts.
I followed Bella's soft-spoken directions, feeling more and more despondent as we neared her house. I was sure she would not allow me to contact her again after today, especially knowing that I was capable of monitoring her from afar.
But my time with Bella for those few hours had changed me. Seeing her threatened, talking with her, and witnessing her intense emotions had left me raw. My desire for her was no less intense, racing under my skin like cold fire. But my deep-seated need to ensure her safety had grown exponentially. Bella had not explained why she visited the trauma support sites, yet she had not denied my assertions. What's more, her heated response to my earlier comments hinted at something deeper. Keeping the secret of whatever had happened was tearing her apart.
There was no way I could completely stay away from Bella Swan, even if she refused to see me.
The silence between us was thick when I pulled into the driveway and switched off the ignition. As we climbed out of the truck, I realized that I still had no idea if Bella was safe in her father's house.
Trailing behind her as she walked toward the house, I waited until she had climbed the porch steps before speaking. "Bella, I know I have no right to ask anything of you. But, please, just tell me that you are safe in that house. That whatever happened to you isn't happening under that roof right now."
Our gazes met for a long moment, and I hoped Bella recognized my sincerity. Her eyes, however, were shuttered and hardened, and revealed nothing. It pained me to see how changed she was from earlier in the day, when a soft smile had lit her eyes and face. I had planned to bring lightness to Bella's life when I could, and instead had caused her more pain.
"I'm safe with my dad," she said at last, turning to open the door. "Charlie always does his best to take care of me."
Bella stepped inside, her soft voice reaching my ears just before the door closed quietly. "Goodbye, Edward."
aDc
It was dark and well past the human dinner hour when I knocked on the Swan's door again. Her father's car was not in the drive, but lights were still burning in the house, leading me to believe Bella was awake. I only hoped she would speak to me.
The porch light flicked on and the curtain in the window twitched before Bella opened the door. Her eyes were wide as she took in my appearance. A light rain had been falling for the past couple of hours, and had soaked my clothes and hair as I walked through the woods with my thoughts.
"Edward, you're soaked! What are you doing?"
I waved her off, unmindful of the water streaming off me. "It's nothing, Bella, really."
"Nothing? What happened, couldn't you get a ride?" She stepped back and opened the door, gesturing with her hand for me to come in.
"Oh, well... I went for a walk. I can call for a ride later; my family knows I'm still here in Forks." I shrugged and pushed my wet hair off my face with both hands.
"Who goes for a walk in the rain at night?" She frowned and gestured for me to come in again. "Come on, I'll get you a towel; you must be half frozen."
I shook my head slowly, my eyes never leaving hers. "I'm fine, Bella. It doesn't bother me."
Bella stared at me, her mouth slightly open in surprise, and I saw that keen look in her eyes again. She knew something about me wasn't normal; she just wasn't sure what it was yet.
I swallowed nervously. "Look, I know it's getting late, but do you have a minute to talk, Bella? We can just do it on the porch here, so I don't track rain and mud into your house."
She watched me for a long moment before nodding. "I'll be right out. Go on and have a seat."
I was sitting on the porch swing watching the rain when Bella came back out, closing the screen door quietly behind her. She handed me a bundle of soft cloth before sitting beside me on the bench, and pulled the jacket she had donned around herself.
Looking down at the blue towel in my hands, I felt absurdly touched by her thoughtfulness. My damp hair and clothes did not bother me, but I draped the towel over my head and shoulders, knowing Bella would be pleased. The corner of her mouth twitched when our eyes met, and I felt some of the sadness that weighed me down lift.
"Where's your father tonight, Bella?"
"He's working a double-shift at the station. He'll be off around midnight."
I frowned at the idea of her being alone in the house. "You'll be by yourself all night?"
"Sure," she shrugged easily. "I'm seventeen years old, Edward, I don't need a babysitter. We have neighbors and they keep an eye on the street. Plus, this is Forks; nothing much happens here, for better and for worse."
We watched the rain for a little while, neither of us speaking. For the first time today, the silence was softer and more companionable; the earlier tension between us had dissipated.
"I hardly know where to start," I admitted quietly. "But I want to tell you as much as I am able. I hope you can trust me to be your friend."
"I think I can, Edward. I'd like to be your friend." She looked down for a moment before meeting my eyes again. "And I want you to help me with something."
"Anything," I said at once, meaning the word completely.
Bella looked at me, her eyes burning through in the dark. "I want you to help me find someone. Someone who hurt me."
A/N
That's right, Bella - put that creeper's skills to work. He won't know what to with himself otherwise.
The next chapter will be Bella's.
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