The Confessions
The next couple of mornings it was hard to get out of bed. All I really wanted to do was bury myself under the sheets and never emerge again. It made it even worse that neither Harry nor Ron were there to cheer me up. Sure Seamus, Luna and Ginny tried but nothing makes me feel better than my two best friends. I desperately wanted to write to them, but I knew that they were busy. And really what could I say? Hey guys will you please just say something funny because I'm in love with Draco Malfoy but he doesn't want me? Er sorry, no good. So the fourth morning after he had turned me down it was really tempting to just stay put. And since it was Saturday I slept in a little longer than I normally would.
Just half an hour before breakfast ended, I finally decided to get up and get dressed. I felt no need to put on nice looking clothes. Instead I ended up in some loose jeans a small tank top and a big, comfy sweatshirt. I didn't even feel like dragging a brush through my bushy hair. I just piled it on the top of my head in a little bun. When a few stray curls fell to my face I didn't pick them up. I just let them hang. Slowly I put on a little mascara and looked at myself in my mirror. I was a mess. There was nothing else to say. My brown eyes looked like all the trouble in the world was weighing me down. The corners of my mouth were hanging slightly downward. In my own eyes I looked like the saddest girl alive.
'How in Hell did this happen to me?' I asked myself as I studied my features intently. 'I am supposed to be the smartest witch of my age. How could I fall in love with someone I knew wasn't right for me? But even worse, how can I let it affect me like this?'
I shook my head at my own stupidity.
'Really Hermione,' I scolded myself. 'You should know better. So he doesn't want you. Get over yourself.'
As I tried to convince myself that I was fine and that I was bothering me at all, I suddenly realized why he was so hard to get over. It wasn't because he didn't want me. On the contrary he did want me. He just couldn't have me. A hand flew to my chest and grabbed at my sweatshirt above my heart.
Still with my hand grabbing at my sweatshirt I ran to my little desk and pulled out the top drawer. I searched around a little till I found what I was looking for. The little note from Draco. Carefully I read the two last lines again and again till I was certain that my theory was right.
'But I won't say that I regret it. I only regret that we can't do it again.'
And then I knew. He wanted me. Or at least he wanted to kiss me again. But we weren't together because his family would never allow it. The realisation of this fact made my day even darker. I felt like Juliet and Draco was my Romeo. I know cliché, but try to put yourself in my shoes. I am in love with a man I can't have because of his family. The only thing that is different from us and the play by Shakespeare is that my parents probably wouldn't have a problem with Draco. Of course all of my friends would, so that should make up for that.
Suddenly my knees gave away under me and I fell to the floor. Everything just seemed so hopeless. I couldn't get up the next 5 minutes, but finally my willpower, and my growling stomach, defeated my already defeated and bruised heart. Slowly I got to my feet and I went to the Great Hall for breakfast. I walked as if I was under some sort of spell. I can hardly remember how I got there, where I sat down or what I ate. I only truly remember one thing. Draco Malfoy was looking at me all the while I was eating.
When I had sat down and pilled some food on the plate in front of me I raised my head and searched the Slytherin table as I had done during every other meal. Usually I never found him, the blonde haired man I was always looking for. But this morning he was there. And he was looking straight at me.
I almost choked on my pumpkin juice. His eyes were staring intently at me, he didn't blink and he didn't look away as I returned his stare. But it wasn't his stare that made my stomach turn and my toes curl. It was his face. His tormented face was devastated. There were dark circles around his eyes, his cheeks were hollow and his skin was paler than ever before. I wondered if he had eaten at all. But even when his face was starved it was like he was eating me with the fire in his grey eyes. I ate my breakfast without looking away from him more than a second, and he did the same. To this day I am surprised that nobody interrupted us or came in our way. But it was like we were in our own little bubble that only contained the both of us. Even after I had finished eating and the Hall was emptying I kept seated and held his gaze.
Then the staring became too much for me. That and the realisation that we wanted each other made my fragile heart swell and almost burst. I felt wetness in the corner of my eyes. I saw the pain in my heart reflected in his features and I couldn't take it anymore. Quickly I rose and started running towards the door. The weather was nice outside and the Great Hall was empty, so when I heard steps behind me closing in on me, I knew it was Draco. I sped up unable to face him in my current state. But I had nowhere to run, his legs were longer than mine and he was in much better shape. I entered a little courtyard and realized that I had nowhere else to go than back. I felt his eyes piercing into my back and knew that 'back' was not an option. I had to face him now. Slowly I turned and met his wild silver eyes.
"Hermione," he whispered and took a step towards me. I backed up a little and he stopped dead in his track with a hand held out towards me. The longing in his face sent an awl through my heart. "Hermione," he said again and the longing etched his raw, desperate voice.
"Draco I," I started saying but in three long steps his was towering over with me with a slim finger pressed against my lips.
"I know," he whispered and his breath washed over my face. I closed my eyes and dwelled in the perfect and painful moment. Slowly his finger left my lips to trace my cheekbone and rest just below my left ear.
"We shouldn't," I managed to press past the lump in my throat.
"I know," he said again. Gently his other hand went to the clumsy bun of hair on my head and released a waterfall of curls. He sighed deeply and buried both his hands in my hair. He clawed through my hair and pulled my head slightly back.
"Open your eyes," his demand was soft but still I couldn't ignore it. I opened my eyes and met his instantly.
"Hermione," he whispered and my knees shook under me. I loved the way he said my name. It felt private somehow… and a little erotic.
"Draco," I answered and tried to make him feel as I did when he said my name. I think I was successful. He smiled a little smile and I felt a tremble go through him. His one hand suddenly left my hair and travelled south till it landed on the small of my back. He gently pulled me closer to him and pressed my body against his.
"We shouldn't" he repeated my words, but neither of us moved away from the other. He searched my eyes for something I didn't know what was.
"Then why are we still here?" I couldn't keep the question from falling from my tongue. He sighed again but didn't release me.
"I don't know," he answered. "Because we can't help ourselves."
I pressed my small hands against his chest to find comfort in his muscular arms. He understood the hint and pulled my head to his heart and wrapped me in an iron grip.
"Is that reason enough to do it?" I whispered into his shirt and I felt how he placed his cheek on the top of my head.
"It should be," was his answer.
I sighed and he sensed my unease.
"I know that nothing is as simple as that," he tried to console me. "I'm just saying that it should be like that. Perhaps we just have to take a chance and see what happens."
At that I tore myself from his arms and searched his face for a proof that he was just playing with me. But all I found was sincerity.
"You're serious?" I breathed in disbelief. At that his face became hurt once again and that was all the answer I needed.
"Don't you want to try?" he said and the pain in voice made my heart ache.
I almost ran to him and threw my arms around his neck drawing his head to my chest. He fell to the ground and pulled my with him till I was sitting with him like a mother would be sitting with her child. Only there wasn't anything motherly about our embrace. His breath was heavy and his arms were clamped around my tiny waist. I stroked his hair and occasionally kissed it.
"Of course I do," I whispered happily. Then he started laughing. Not mocking like he usually did, but a genuine and beautiful laugh that warmed me to the core.
"You don't know happy that makes me," he sighed.
"Oh, but I know," I answered, took a hold of his chin and forced his face towards mine.
The gleam in his eyes made me snap to catch my breath, but before I could register anything else his lips had claimed mine. The kiss was hungry and needy, but still deep and emotional. His tongue invaded my mouth and twirled around my own. His hands held my hips in place and his nails dug into my flesh. I moaned into his mouth making his tongue craving even more. When we finally drew apart my lips were sore and I was breathing heavily but I still felt like I was floating. Looking into Draco's eyes I knew that he felt the same way.
"You don't know how hard it has been for me to deny myself your company," he confessed. But I knew exactly how hard it was.
"You weren't the only one being without something they wanted," I pointed out and he laughed a little embarrassed laugh.
"Right," he laughed and smiled widely at me. "I guess you would know."
I stroked his cheek with my thumb.
"Have you eaten at all?" I asked him and he shook his head.
"Not really," he answered. "It was too hard."
I nodded. I knew what he meant.
"To me it was hard just to get out of bed," I said.
"Me too," he said and smiled. I returned the smile still with my hand on his cheek.
"So, how is this going to work?" I asked and could have cursed myself. Why did I do that? I ruined the moment with my damn analytic mind. So much for being clever. I groaned at my own stupidity and Draco laughed.
"What's the matter Granger?" he asked, but he said my last name with the same devotion as he said my first name. "This isn't good enough for you?" He smiled mischievously at me and I playfully hit his upper arm.
"Cut it out," I laughed. "You know what I mean."
He sighed, released my hips and tried to be more serious.
"I know what you mean," he said. "And I honestly don't know. Clearly we can't tell our friends about us." I nodded. That was too true. "So I guess we will have to keep it a secret." I frowned a little but couldn't deny the truth in his words.
"I guess so," I surrendered. "Can we do that?"
He cocked his head and looked questioningly at me.
"I mean," I specified "can we be together when we are alone and fight when everyone else is around. Will we be able to do that?"
He shrugged and just said, "We have to. 'Cause I'm not letting you go again."
I really want to thank all of my reviewers. You are making it a million times easier to write this story. So keep the reviews coming!
Also thank you to all my readers, it's nice to know that someone wants to read the things I write.
THANK YOU!
