Again, I am so sorry for the delay…I will probably say this every time. I promise I'm writing though! Thank you all for your lovely reviews! Hope you enjoy this chapter!
-o-o-
"So, how has it been with Jay back at work?" Dr. Carraway asks as Erin settles into the couch. She's holding her first iced coffee of the summer, the plastic cup sweating onto her palms. It feels good.
Erin takes a sip through the orange straw, considering the question. "It's a little weird," she says. "I thought that it would make things go back to normal, but...I don't know, it didn't."
"Why do you think that is?"
Erin bites her lip, fiddles with the straw. She knows exactly why, but she's hesitant to open that can of worms. "Cause...it's not normal," she admits with a shrug, staring out the window. It's a beautiful day. Sunny and clear, with a gentle breeze rustling the magnolia trees outside the window. "Him going to work and me just...sitting around his apartment. I mean-there's nothing normal about that."
"So what is normal?" Erin shrugs, and Dr. Carraway pushes further. "What would normal look like? What is the picture in your head of a normal life for you and Jay?"
Erin stalls, taking a long sip of her coffee, and then another. "I mean, I don't think I've ever been normal," she deflects. "You know, I grew up on the street...and...and with Voight, you know? Not normal. And I mean, I'm a cop." She bites her lip again, shakes her head rapidly. "I was a cop. And our unit wasn't exactly normal. So—what is normal really?"
She cringes as the words come out. That sounded really convincing, Erin.
"Okay," Dr. Carraway says patiently, and Erin wonders for the umpteenth time how this woman puts up with her. She'd be a terrible therapist, she thinks. "So let's not use normal in the sense of average or regular. Let's look at normal for you. What does your life look like when everything is as it should be?"
Erin sets the up on the coffee table, closes her eyes, and forces herself to think about the question. What does her life look like when it's right? When she feels good and stable and happy? "Nadia's there," is the first thing that comes to mind, and her eyes flood with tears.
Because normal would be living in her own apartment, with Nadia in the room next to hers. Normal would be nights at Kuma's and morning workouts and bickering over who ate the last yogurt.
Normal is gone.
"And she always will be," the therapist says. Erin shakes her head, angrily brushing away a tear with the back of her hand. "Erin, nothing is going to bring her back. You know that. But you can find a new normal without her there. With Jay, and with Hank, and your friends, and your team." Erin takes a slow, deep breath, trying to calm herself. "We can talk about Nadia a little later. For now I want to focus on what normal looks like for you. Maybe talk about how we work towards getting back there."
Erin nods, forcing her thoughts away from Nadia. Away from the shallow grave that still haunts her dreams most nights. "Normal is Jay as my partner," she says finally. "Having each other's backs."
"And that's changed?"
"Yeah," she says. "Because he's done so much for me. He's had my back, just like he said. But he's out there now, and I don't have his back, you know? I'm not his partner anymore. We said we always would, but…" She trails off. She broke that promise.
"Are you thinking about going back to work?"
Erin looks up at her therapist, her heart rate instantly speeding up. She shakes her head rapidly. "No. No, I quit. I'm not going back."
"Hmm," Dr. Caraway says. "Okay."
Erin startles slightly. "What the hell does that mean?" She isn't sure why that comment made her so defensive, so angry, but her hands are shaking and she can't help digging her nails into her palms.
"So, what are you thinking about doing instead?" the doctor asks neutrally.
Instead? Erin grasps for words, unable to find any. "I'm focusing on getting better," she manages stubbornly. "I'll figure it out."
"Okay," Dr. Carraway says. She leans forward, studying Erin's face. Erin turns away uncomfortably. "Erin, why did you become a cop?"
Erin shrugs defensively. "Because Hank was a cop," she says. "That's what I knew."
"You are smart, you are resourceful, and you're determined," Dr. Carraway says. "You could have done anything you wanted. I know you know that. You could have been a teacher, or a doctor, or a lawyer. Anything. So why be a cop, Erin? What made you choose that?"
Erin feels like there are rocks inside her mouth as she struggles to swallow. "I wanted to help people," she says, her voice so weak she can barely hear it.
"You can do better than that."
"People like me," Erin says, gritting her teeth. "Hank showed me that there was more to life. That what had happened to me was wrong. I wanted to make sure that no one else had to go through what I did."
There's absolute silence, and Erin finally raises her eyes up to her therapist. Dr. Carraway is watching her with a small smile. "That's more like it," she says gently.
"But look what happened!" Erin blurts out. "I tried to help Nadia, and-"
"And you did," Dr. Carraway says. "You did help Nadia. You did everything right."
"But-"
"Erin, as a cop I know you know this, but I'll say it anyway. Sometimes you do everything right, but that's not enough. Sometimes you can't save people. Just like in medicine, sometimes we do everything right, everything we're supposed to do, but people die anyway. That doesn't mean we were wrong, or that we screwed up, or that we killed those people. It just means that we did the best we can today, and tomorrow we fight another day."
Erin thumbs the pesky tears away from her eyes—they come so easily these days—and tries to nod. "But how do you fight another day?" she asks, and she really wants to know. "How do you get back out there and do it again, knowing that it went so badly last time?"
Dr. Carraway hands her a tissue. "Time," she says. "Courage. Love. And Erin, I know you have all of those things."
Erin nods, wiping her nose. She knows she does. She just wishes that Nadia could have had time also.
"We're almost done for today," the doctor says. "But before our next session, I want you to do some thinking about where you'd like to go from here. You don't need to make any decisions. Nothing is final. I just want you to think about it. If you're not going to be a cop anymore, what are some other avenues you'd like to explore?"
Erin stuffs an extra tissue into the pocket of her jeans for later and tries to quell the anxiety bubbling in her stomach. "Okay," she says softly, pulling on her jacket.
She'd quit the force thinking that she had no future—she wasn't planning on going anywhere once she'd handed Hank her badge. She's not exactly sure how she's supposed to envision a future without her job.
"Maybe talk to Jay," Dr. Carraway suggests with a smile. "See what he says."
-o-o-
Jay's first few days back at work are slow. Boring, even. Given everything that's happened, the powers that be seem to have decided that Intelligence could use a break, and the cases thrown their way have been relatively pedestrian. He's spent most of his time catching up on paperwork, checking in with his CIs, and leaving the office at 5:00 to get home to Erin.
The quiet has been nice. But it's also been tough. Because he spends a lot of his time staring across the bullpen at the empty desk where she should be sitting. She's not dead, he reminds himself when he feels that grief in the pit of his stomach at the sight of her unused chair. She's just at home—at his home, actually. But sometimes he needs to text her, just to remind himself that she's there, that she's okay. He hopes she hasn't read too much into that.
It's nice coming home to her every night. More than nice. He loves sleeping beside her in his bed, even if that's all they've been doing—sleeping. Well—and occasionally kissing. He loves cooking her dinner and watching the hockey playoffs and even dragging her out of the apartment for the occasional walk. He loves it all—he loves her.
But he misses his partner. And it's hard to shake that.
"Hey," Ruzek says, interrupting his thoughts.
Jay startles, randomly underlines a sentence in the report he's been pretending to read to hide the fact that he was a million miles away, and looks up. Ruzek is watching him eagerly, anxiously, practically vibrating with nerves, and Jay frowns. "What's up?" he asks cautiously, eyes narrowed. Ruzek and Atwater are the only two who don't really know what's going on with Erin, and he isn't in the mood to explain anything.
"Do you and Erin have plans tonight?" Ruzek asks, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet. Jay recoils just slightly, both from Ruzek's weird energy and from the question. He's still not used to his and Erin's relationship being quite so...public.
"Why?" he asks warily, carefully setting the manila folder on his desk.
Ruzek shrugs. "I just thought maybe we could all go out. You know. Molly's. It's been a while, and I thought it might be fun. And Kim and I have some, you know, news, so…"
Jay studies his coworker's anxious face, suppressing a roll of his eyes. "Some news?" he says, amused.
"Yeah, you know, just something we want to tell everyone. Good news, I mean. You know, for a change. I think it'll be nice to-you know."
Jay raises an eyebrow at Ruzek's stuttering. "Good news, huh?" he asks wryly. He can only imagine.
"Yeah," Ruzek says with a grin, stuffing his hands in his pocket. "Definitely good news. So you guys in?"
Jay sighs. He isn't sure Erin's ready—to be in a bar, to face their coworkers, to be with him in public. To celebrate something. Truth be told, he isn't sure he's ready.
"Um," he says, trying to decide how best to phrase this. "Adam, I don't know if tonight is really a great night," he says cautiously. "We'd love to be there, I'm just not sure if Erin's…"
He trails off, unsure of how to continue, but Ruzek seems to get it. "No worries, man. Long as she's doing okay."
"She is," he says, forcing a smile. "Um-but what's your news?"
Ruzek winks at him. "How about we do brunch Saturday?" he asks. "Just the four of us. A double date!"
Jay considers this. A double date with Ruzek and Burgess. "I'll talk to her," he says, nodding.
Ruzek bangs on his desk happily, then heads for the locker room. Jay looks around the bullpen anxiously, not sure why he's so unsettled. He glances again at Erin's empty desk, then picks up his phone. Hey, he types out. Just wanted to say I love you.
He hits Send before he can talk himself out of it.
What he really wants is for everything to just be normal already.
-o-o-
"Shit," Erin mutters, as she hears the door open. "Shit, shit, shit." She thought he'd be home later, and she is not ready—he's ruining her surprise.
Well—actually, she's pretty much ruining her own surprise.
"Erin?" Jay calls, stepping into the doorway of the kitchen. "You're—cooking?"
"I was trying to," she sighs. "I'm sorry, I'm screwing it up. I tried following this recipe, and it just, it sounded so easy, but I'm not doing this right, and I thought you'd be home later, so I timed it all wrong, and…"
"Hey," he cuts her off with a laugh, wrapping his arms around her from behind and kissing her neck. "Shh. It's fine." He surveys her work, a bit of a smirk in his voice. "You—cook?"
Erin laughs, the banter feeling good. She smacks him with a towel. "Oh, shut it, you. I occasionally prepare food for myself, yes."
"What are you making?" he says, observing the somewhat burnt mess of vegetables in the frying pan.
"Stir fry!" she says. "I don't know! The recipe sounded good! I thought we could make our own Chinese food, instead of ordering, but it said you needed a wok or something, and you didn't have one, and l think I burned everything."
Unexpectedly, tears spring to her eyes, and she's frustrated with her own stupidity. Can't even cook for him, she thinks bitterly.
"Erin," he says, laughing gently. "Come on."
"I'm sorry," she chokes. "I just—you've done so much for me, and I just wanted to cook you dinner." She feels like a yo-yo, her emotions rocketing back and forth.
He kisses her temple, reaches up and brushes away a stray tear. "Where'd you get the groceries?" he murmurs, reaching around her to turn off the stove.
She's confused by the question. "Whole Foods?" she says, glancing over her shoulder at him, eyebrows knit.
She can feel his smile against her cheek. "You went out grocery shopping?" he says, unable to hide the happiness in his voice.
"Yeah," she says, frowning. Why is that weird?
Then—oh. She hasn't left the apartment, except for therapy sessions and the few brief walks Jay's dragged her on. She's shot down every attempt he's made to go out, for any reason.
She hadn't even thought about that when she'd walked the four blocks to the grocery store.
"Yeah," she says again, stronger this time. Her tears have dried. "I wanted to cook you dinner."
He spins her around, tangling his hands in her hair and pressing her cheek to his chest. "I love you," he says, and he sounds so joyful that she can't help but smile.
She wraps her arms around his back. "I love you too."
-o-o-
They leave the charred vegetables in the pan in the sink and order Chinese food. Jay can't help smiling at the smell of burnt vegetables and the sight of the empty Whole Foods paper bag in the corner of the kitchen. It's such a little thing, but it means more than he could have ever imagined.
They sit side by side on his couch, stealing dumplings and scallion pancakes from each other's plastic containers and watching the Hawks kick ass. He keeps stealing glances at her. She looks—normal. Happy. Healthy.
He tries not to get his hopes up, but it's hard.
During the second intermission, Erin mutes the TV and looks up at him hesitantly. "Um," she starts, sticking her chopsticks in her half-empty container and nervously crossing her legs. She bites her lip, clearly unsure of where to begin, and he takes a shaky breath.
He just wants to hold onto this moment. He doesn't want her to say anything that's going to ruin it.
"Do you think I could be something other than a cop?" she blurts out finally.
He flinches, taken aback by the question. And on the one hand, he's overwhelmed with relief, because as far as questions go, that's a pretty positive one. It means she's thinking about the future, it means she's trying to get her life back on track. And maybe it means she trusts him, at least enough to talk about this.
But on the other hand, he desperately misses having her by his side all day. And if she's thinking about being something other than a cop, then it means she's thinking about being something other than his partner.
"Of course you could," he says, and he genuinely means it. "Erin, you could be anything you wanted."
"No, I mean seriously," she says. "If I didn't come back-what would I do?"
He adjusts himself on the couch, turning to face her more fully. She's concentrating heavily on her uneaten chicken and broccoli, and he takes the container from her hands and sets it on the coffee table. "Erin, you could do anything," he says. "I mean absolutely anything. You could go back to school if you wanted. Law school even," he prods teasingly, and she snorts. "I'm serious though. I think you'd be a great lawyer. You're certainly stubborn enough."
She punches him in the arm, and he feigns injury. "Jay, I'm serious here!"
"I know, I know," he says, sobering. "But I am too. You could go back to school and be a lawyer, or a social worker. Or whatever you wanted. Erin, a few months ago you were being aggressively recruited by the Feds. They'd probably be thrilled to have you back if that's what you wanted. But you could also just go back to school and figure it out, you know? I mean, Erin, you could start a freaking Etsy store and sell potholders if you wanted. You'd be good at anything." He means it. He thinks Erin could be the President of the United States if that's what she wanted.
She doesn't laugh at his stupid joke. "School, huh?" she says. "Hard to imagine that."
"Might be fun," he says with a shrug, trying to read her face. She isn't giving much away. "You might find a lot of things you're interested in. Just—take some classes, maybe see what you like."
"I wasn't that good at school," she says warily. "I mean, high school was…"
"You were a different person in high school," he says. "In a different situation. You were just surviving. This is different, you know? And you'd do great. At anything you wanted to do."
She shakes her head. "And how would I pay for that?" she worries. "I mean, there'd be so much to…"
He studies her as she trails off. She's actually really thinking about this, he realizes. He isn't sure how he feels about that, but it doesn't really matter. This isn't about him. "You'd figure it out," he says. "Erin, if going back to school is what you wanted, I have no doubt that Hank Voight would be able to make that happen."
Finally, she smiles. "Yeah, I guess," she says. "It's just...scary, you know? I thought—I just had this vision of my life, and now it's all just open."
"I know," he says, pulling her into his arms and kissing her head. "But that's not a bad thing. It means there are all kinds of possibilities." He doesn't feel as positive as he sounds. "You could come back, too," he points out hesitantly. "There's nothing final, you know? Just cause you quit...it doesn't mean anything."
She doesn't respond, and he wonders if for her, maybe things are final. He wishes he understood that-he gets why she quit, why at that moment it was all too much and all she could do was walk away. But he doesn't really understand why she's not thinking about coming back. Maybe not yet—but someday.
He hugs her tighter, reminding himself that she's here. That's all he can ask for.
-o-o-
"I forgot," Jay says, as they're climbing into bed a few hours later. "Uh—Ruzek was wondering if we'd have brunch with him and Kim. Saturday."
Erin stares at him dumbly. Brunch? With Ruzek and Burgess? They're not exactly double-dating kind of friends.
"He says he has something to tell us," Jay adds with a shrug. "He wanted us all to go out to Molly's tonight, but...I wasn't in the mood."
Erin frowns, sure there's more to it than that. "What, did he propose to Burgess?" Jay laughs, and Erin's eyes widen. He did? "Shit, what is wrong with him?"
"He's an idiot," Jay says, then shakes his head. "I don't know. Life is short, you know?" he adds with a chuckle, and the smile falls from Erin's face.
She knows.
"I'm sorry," he says softly, and she shakes her head. She can't do this. She can't react like this every time an innocent comment makes it feel like sandpaper is scraping against her heart.
"It's okay," she whispers, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. She opens them again to find his concerned face just inches from hers, and she forces a smile, leans forward, and kisses his lips gently. "It's really okay."
He rests his forehead against hers, and she breathes him in, letting his presence calm her. "And yeah," she says, before she can question the impulse. "Brunch. Let's do it."
Jay pulls back, and she can see he's surprised. She doesn't blame him—every time he's brought up seeing their coworkers, or even going out to dinner, she's shut him down pretty quickly. And she still isn't sure how to face everyone, how to acknowledge what happened to Nadia and how she dealt with it and how she hurt them. But—no time like the present. And brunch with Ruzek and Burgess seems like a relatively simple place to start.
"You sure?" Jay says, eying her warily.
She nods, pressing her palm to his cheek. "Yeah," she says, and her smile is real this time. "Yeah, let's do it."
-o-o-
