A Matter of Scale
Care of Magical Creatures was about to end, and Harry Potter and Hermione Granger were getting ready to go back up to the castle for lunch. Hagrid stopped the two Gryffindors by muttering, "Er -- Harry -- Hermione -- would yer mind hangin' back a few minutes? I got summat ter talk to yer about."
"Sure, Hagrid," said Hermione; Harry just nodded.
"Come on in the cabin, then," said Hagrid. When they were inside, Hagrid put on the kettle for tea, and said, "Dobby Dobby."
With a CRACK! Dobby the house-elf materialized suddenly next to Hagrid. He whooped, "Harry Potter, sir!" and zoomed over to Harry, hugging his knees.
"Nice to see you too, Dobby!" said Harry, blushing slightly.
Looking up at Hermione, Dobby said shyly, "Nice to see you again too, Miz Hermy!"
"Thanks, Dobby!" said Hermione.
The four exchanged pleasantries as they enjoyed tea, while Hagrid explained that to page a house-elf, you said his name twice. (Old wizarding families did not want their house-elves to appear every time they said their names; so saying them twice was developed as a special signal to cause them to appear.)
Once they were done with their tea, Hagrid picked up his crossbow and arrows, and said, "Okay, foller me." He opened the door and headed out.
Surprised, Harry asked, "Where are we headed, Hagrid?"
"Into the forest, jus' a short ways," Hagrid replied. We need the help of two sharp kids such as yerselves."
"But Hagrid," Hermione said nervously, running to keep up as she dodged some huge tree roots, "Why do you need us in the forest?"
Dobby, running along madly, piped up, "It's Winky, Miss! Her is in a terrible muddle, and we is not able to get her to listen to reason! We is hoping that Harry Potter and his smartest friend could maybe help, Miss!"
"What kind of muddle?" Harry asked.
"Better off jus' showin' yer," replied Hagrid tersely.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
As the four approached a familiar-looking clearing, Hermione's face began to show a look of shock and dread. "What?" said Harry, confused. Hermione just pointed.
A kind of hill seemed to stir. As they approached, Harry realized that the hill was standing up. It was actually Grawp, Hagrid's younger but full-giant half-brother. Grawp's huge face split into a grin. "Hagger! 'N Hermy!" He laughed in a deep boom.
"Er... Hello, Grawp!" Hermione smiled shakily.
It was then that Harry and Hermione noticed a little squeak coming from around Grawp's left ankle. There was Winky, holding on to the giant's ankle, and yawning as if just waking up.
Dobby immediately took the offensive. "Winky is a bad house-elf!" he said angrily. "Winky is ignoring her duties at the castle! All for hopeless love!"
Harry's jaw dropped, and Hermione's eyes grew as big as saucers. "Oh my God!" Hermione gasped. "I can't believe it!"
"Believe it, Miss!" Dobby muttered grouchily.
Grawp reached down and picked up tiny Winky. He lifted her up and put her on his shoulder. She shimmied over and kissed him on his huge neck. Grawp giggled in such a deep voice it was hard to distinguish from a low roar. Then Winky leaned over and said angrily down to Dobby, "Why is you back here interferin'?"
"We is your friends, Winky, and we is tryin' to save you from hurtin' yourself!"
Hagrid beckoned Harry and Hermione over to him, and bent over to whisper to them, "You kids prob'ly remember a conversation I had with Madame Maxime in yer fourth year, at the Yule Ball -- outside by the reindeer fountain." Hermione shook her head no, but Harry blushed. "Don' worry, I worked out later that you an' Ron was hidin' there, but I wasn' angry. Well anyways, I said somethin' rather stupid to 'er. I asked 'er, 'Which side you got it on?' meanin' her half-giantness, o' course. Well, later I realized tha' was one o' the silliest questions a Care o' Magical Creatures teacher could ask! I'd'a known better, if I wasn' all love-struck and all. I'm a tetch embarrassed abou' it still."
"Why, what's wrong with a question like that?" asked Harry.
Hermione rolled her eyes with exasperation. "Honestly, Harry!" she said impatiently. There can only be one such pairing possible: a male human and a female giantess."
"Ar," Hagrid muttered quietly, "though it gives new meanin' to the sayin' 'Yodeling in the canyon!'"
Hermione blushed, but continued, "Can you imagine what kind of damage a male giant would do to a female human? Let alone the harm caused to a female human carrying a half-giant fetus?"
"Oh." said Harry. "Oh!" he said again, turning white with shock, as realization dawned in his naive mind. When he could speak again, rather than just open and close his mouth soundlessly, Harry looked wide-eyed to Hagrid and Hermione and said, "Then it would be twice as bad, or worse, for a female house-elf --"
"Right in one," Hermione nodded grimly.
Harry staggered, feeling slightly sick. "Oh dear," he said, "I think I need to sit down!"
"Winky," said Hermione patiently, "Don't you realize the danger you're in?"
Winky frowned and said angrily, "You is interfering! Grawp and Winky is in Love!"
With that, Grawp began nodding his head vigorously, and said, "Grawp love Winky!" but the shake of his head was like a small earthquake, and Winky could not hold on. She began to tumble, and fell off the giant's shoulder with a scream.
Harry, thanks to his sharp quidditch reflexes, whipped out his wand, pointed it at Winky as she plummeted, and called out, "Wingardium Leviosa!" Her fall slowed abruptly, and with a little flick of his wand, he settled her gently on the ground.
Winky looked up in wide-eyed shock at Harry. "You is saved Winky's life, Harry Potter!" she said softly. "Winky owes Harry Potter a life-debt!"
Harry blushed, and said, "Now now, Winky, you don't have to feel indebted to me, I'd have helped anyone who -- er -- was falling off a giant's shoulder!" He grinned sheepishly. "But do me a favor, would you? Just -- you know -- think about this for a bit. There's no hurry, and you do have the rest of your life to -- er -- make mistakes!" he said, looking over at Dobby, who seemed unable to take offense as he grinned up at his idol.
"Winky promises Harry Potter to think it over!" she said, reverently. "Come, Dobby, we has beds to make!" And with that she disappeared with a CRACK!
Dobby rushed over to Harry, hugged him again, and said, "Thank you again, Harry Potter!" and grinning, he disappeared too.
"Grawp sleepy," said Grawp, quite obviously not grasping that anything had changed, and lay down on the ground, rapidly falling into very noisy sleep.
"Righ', then, let's head back," whispered Hagrid. As they tiptoed away, he said, "Well! That went -- er -- better than I expected! Thanks, you two!"
Hermione waved, and Harry nodded, wearily. They were just happy to get away from Grawp, once again, in
one piece.
~ ~ ~ ~
As the three made their way back to the school grounds, Harry looked off in the distance, frowned, and then began chuckling manically. "What's so funny?" asked Hermione.
"Can't tell you, you'll flip out," said Harry.
"Harry," Hermione replied with irritation, "tell me; I will NOT flip out!"
"Okay. But you have to promise not to hit me on the back of the head."
"Fine. Harry, I promise not to hit you! Now, out with it."
"Okay. What do you call a female house-elf who has made love to a giant?"
"Dunno. What?"
"A condom!"
Hagrid snorted.
Hermione went "Eeew!"
And, of course, hit him on the back of the head.
-End-
