The Day His World Crashed Around Him
by
Sabrina Lonewalker
He stared at her for a full two minutes before he could say anything. "You want to know what happened?" His eyes were incredulous. Serena was calm, like her namesake. "Yes, you have never talked about it and holding it inside only hurts you more. It's as if...as if you think that if you don't talk about it, you can pretend it never happened and she's just lost somewhere out there waiting for you to find her." Serena looked at him apologitically, "I am sorry, Doctor but, you've never accepted the reality that she is dead"
He stared at this woman before him, this child who, in her innocence, had seen straight through to the heart of the matter. He had not accepted Rose Tyler's death. He had run away from it, run as far as he was capable of going but, now, it caught up with him again. Serena was right, she was gone and he had to acknowledge that but to do so scared the hell out of him.
Serena saw it in his eyes. "You're scared, scared of letting down the barriers you have kept up for so long. But Doctor, don't you see?" She took his face in her hands, "You don't have to go through this alone. You cared for me, you were there when I had my nightmares and you held me as I cried for what I had lost.. You were there when I needed you, even if I didn't know it at the time. Now, it's my turn to be here for you. You don't have to be strong now, Doctor, you just need to be you. The man who needs to grieve, to purge his soul."
The eyes that looked at her now were frightened, "But Serena, if I cry I am so afraid..." She finished the sentence for him, "Afraid that you can't stop? I know that feeling, Doctor, I've been there before. You were there for me now, it's my turn to be here for you." He reached across the console and sent the TARDIS spinning onto the vortex. That way, they wouldn't re enter normal time till he set the coordinates then, he slid to the floor, trying desperately to hold it in. He was succeeding until she sat next to him and whispered, "I'm here."
The floodgates opened. He buried his face in her chest and cried as though both hearts were breaking. It was a hopeless, soul shattering kind of crying she had never witnessed before but she held onto him. Somehow, she knew that if she let go, he was lost and she would be trapped here forever. He screamed, he yelled, he railed at fate, his own existence. She winced when he called his long life span a curse. How everytime he got close to happiness and love, it was snatched away like a child being denied a treat.
Serena realized, it wasn't just Rose he had not mourned, it was all of them, all of those who had shared a part of his life with him. The ones who had left on their own or those, like Sarah Jane whom he had had to leave behind. Then, there was Grace, she knew about Grace, she had found the account in the TARDIS files one of the rare nights he had slept. He visited Grace Holloway's grave every year to honor the woman who had taught him that he could love again then, she was gone, killed in the Time War. He had married her while in his Eighth incarnation. The few photos TARDIS had of them showed an extremely happy couple. She had seen wedding rings on their hands and wondered where the one was the Doctor had worn.
She stroked his hair, kissed the top of his head but said nothing. She knew words would be useless right now. The uncontrolled sobbing had calmed down somewhat. She had no idea how long they had been like this and she really didn't care. He was still crying but, it wasn't as hopeless as before, it was more grieving now, an acknowledgement that there was something to grieve about. She knew, his world had crashed around him but, there were pieces to pick up and re order in his life. If he wanted her to help him, she would but it had to be his choice, when he was able to think clearly.
Right now, she was protective of him, making sure he had all the time he needed to mourn, to grieve and to acknowledge what he had lost and what he still had. She continued to hold him as he clung to her like she was his only lifeline. She smiled as she felt his body beginning to calm itself down. The trembling was slowly down too. She mummured softly to him, trying to comfort him, they way he had comforted her all those times when she had been having nightmares as a little girl.
Finally, he got his body back under control and sat up, wiping the tears from his face. Serena watched him, wondering if the tears would ever stop. Then, he managed a smile. "Thank you," He whispered. "For what?" She asked with a smile. "For being here for me." He said softly. Serena smiled as he took her hand in his. "It's what you did for me when I had those nightmares. How could I not be here for you after that?" His brown eyes smiled sadly and they both got to their feet.
He looked at her and then nodded decisively. "You asked what happened at Canary Wharf." He stated simply. Serena nodded, "Yes but, not if it's going to reduce you to what you were earlier." He managed a small chuckle. "Yeah well, sit down, in fact, how about the kitchen?" She smiled and they went there. He made tea while she opened a can of those teacakes he liked and they sat down. It took a few moments before he began to tell her what had happened that dreadful day.
Serena listened as he told her about the discovery that the Daleks and Cybermen had made an alliance to divide Earth between them. He and Rose had come up with a plan to open the void between universes and draw them into it, trapping them there for eternity. "So far, everything went well," He told Serena, "Rose and I set everything up and activated the warp field. It worked, it worked very well but," His eyes filled with tears as he downed some of his tea. "One of the Daleks flying by hit Rose squarely on the back of the head. By the time the void closed, it was too late. I ran over to where she was hanging in the handhold I had placed on the wall but...she was gone."
His voice broke, tears again spilling down his face. Serena reached across the table and laid her hand on his. "That had to be very hard on you." He managed a ghost of a smile. "Yeah, it was, all we had talked about and dreamed about was gone in an instant. She was buried in the graveyard not too far away where other dead from that day are buried. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, leaving her there in that cold ground. I've done that so many times before, so many."
Serena looked at him, "Like Grace?" She asked. He looked at her and nodded. "Grace was special, like Rose but Grace, Grace was the one who showed me that I could love again after all those centuries of being the cold, unemotional Timelord. She looked straight into me and found I could love and she drew that part of me back into the light." Serena watched his eyes, "You lost her during the Time War?" He nodded, "Yes, right near the end of it.." His voice tightened, grew cold. "One last trip and we would have been finished with it but," Serena could hear the pain and grief again, "She sacrificed herself to protect me. I had been injured, badly and I knew regeneration was coming but, we were headed to the TARDIS when a Dalek spotted us. It fired and," His voice caught with a sob, "Grace stepped between the Dalek and me. We got into the TARDIS and my regeneration began. When it was complete..." His voice trailed off.
Serena nodded, "She was gone wasn't she?" The Doctor nodded, "I found her lying on the floor of the TARDIS. I pulled her into my arms but she was already cold, so cold. I cried for the longest with her in my arms but finally, I had to bury her too." Serena nodded, "I know, you visit her every year." The Doctor smiled, "I made her a promise that I would and a Timelord keeps his promises." Serena nodded, "I know. Now, can we move on?" He nodded, "Yes, I think I can now. Let's see, where shall we visit next?"
TBC
