xxx
"Doug, I don't know if I can do this." Sara admitted hesitantly as they stood outside the closed door to the office in her home.
It wasn't exactly her office. It had been Grissom's, filled with his books, his texts, his journals, the walls lined with the specimens and oddities he had collected over the years, some which had been housed in his office, some in his townhouse. They all resided her, as many of them as he could possibly fit.
Some were new additions, bought as presents from Sara, or bought between the two of them for one of the could not leave it behind. Sara had always admired all of the trinkets and artifacts he had acquired over the years.
Those first few times she had visited his townhouse, she had found much enjoyment in inspecting as much as she could.
Now, the thought of seeing it all in here, and clearing it all out as Doug suggested was making the simple, natural task of breathing a labourous one.
Doug reached out and rubbed her shoulder softly. "Yes, you can Sara." He hadn't meant to do this so soon, but after hearing what he had from Nick and Greg, and another phonecall between himself and Finn, he knew this had to be done. Finn had come over twice, and had found her both times, curled up on the floor in the office, crying, or she had cried herself to sleep.
Grissom had let go of her, and it had been almost seven weeks at this stage since Grissom had been here, and then left. He had not called or texted, or answered the one call she had made to him. The only contact anyone had had with him was him telling them to watch out for Sara. That seemed like a man who had made up his mind.
And for all accounts, Gil Grissom seemed to be a very stubborn man. Who could turn Sara down, and leave her chasing him, year after year? Very few.
It was doing her no good to be dwelling on the past, she was only drowning in the pain. It was time to clear it all out, and give herself a little bit of space, to breath, to find herself again.
There was a lot for her to do. As she had told him, she has spent almost twenty years of her life loving this man. She had become defined by him, by their relationship. She was known in the lab as Mrs. Grissom, even though she did not take his name for that reason, she didn't want to let their relationship define her. She had always been an independent woman.
It was time for her to rediscover a life without Gilbert Grissom, to learn to be happy without him, to survive without him.
Sara's eyes locked with his, she took a deep breath, and he could see her shake ever so slightly as she reached for the handle and opened the door to the office.
The door creaked open, the sound bouncing off the walls and ringing in her ears.
She glanced around the room, taking in everything that was there. Her eyes settled on the most known Grissom treasure, Miss Piggy.
After the talk with Nick and Greg, their idea of an intervention, they had fetched the fetal pig and returned her to Sara, so she could lock it away in this office. It was their attempt to help her move on. They knew it would be hard enough to do that in the lab, the very place their relationship had blossomed and grown. They could only try to make it easier, by removing any direct link to him, and that was the only thing left.
"We throw nothing away." Sara stated, as she made her way over to one of the many bookcases that had lined the walls. It was a specific request from both of them, to have as many bookcases and shelving units in their home as possible, to house all of their collections. It went right along with the surprising need for lots of windows. Neither of them had spent a lot of time in the sunlight, living in the nighttime shadows of Vegas, the only light coming from the blinking lights of the strip, or the florescents of the lab.
It was a nice change to experience the sunlight, however infrequent that experience was.
It surprised her, in that moment, just how much effort they had put into searching for the perfect house for them both, when she had returned to Vegas. A lot of thought went into ensuring both of their needs were catered to, even though Grissom hardly had spent more than a combined total of one month in the house, in the three years that Sara had been back in Vegas.
Doug nodded, as he followed Sara into the office. "Of course not. I'll sort out a storage unit, we'll box everything up, and I'll move it all out there. I might ask Nick and Greg for some help. It can stay there, until you decide what exactly you want to do with it, or if he ever wants any of it back. At least you won't have to look at it all the time."
Sara nodded stiffly as she ran her hand across a few of the titles on the bookshelf. She could do this.
Sara started to make her way through the bookshelves, feeling much like a robot, emotionless as she sorted through the boxes.
"I wish I was like you Grissom. I wish I didn't feel anything."
Doug had left her alone for a little while, and returned with boxes, and he started to fill the boxes, depending on what piles she had sorted them into.
Some of the books were her own, or had become favourites due to Grissom. Some were his that could be useful to her for reference in cases, or for some of the research she had been working on. Those books she kept, along with some poetry books and entomology ones.
Anything else Doug packed away in the boxes, amazed that two people could have such a collection of books.
He watched then as Sara started to sort through her own books, and rearrange them as best as she could on the shelves, trying to space them out so they didn't look too empty. She mumbled a comment of having more books of hers in the garage, that had been stored away because of Grissom's books. He would get them for her some other time so she could fill them back out. It shocked him that she had even sacrificed this much for him, when he spent little or no time in the house, yet everything she did seemed to be in consideration of what he wanted.
"I know what you're thinking," She had stated. "I'm not crazy. It was just, comforting, it was what I had always known. His office at work was like this, his office in the townhouse was like this. It was nice to have this like what I had already known, it was like having a little bit of him with me while was here."
Doug had said nothing, only smiling softly as they had moved on. They worked mostly in silence, and after a few hours, they had the room cleared of everything that she did not see the vital need to keep. Even Miss Piggy was carefully bubble wrapped and packed away.
Sara stood in the middle of the room, dusty and sweaty as she looked around the room with her hands on her hips. It looked so empty. Her own breathing echoed in the room, it was a strange feeling, she felt the room now reflected exactly how she felt, and she shivered at the thought.
Doug reappeared, after slugging the last box out to the garage where he had stacked them for removal in the next day or two.
"How are you feeling, Sar?" He asked as he came to stand behind her.
She turned to look at him, and shrugged softly. "I'm not sure." She admitted. "i guess we'll find out soon enough."
"Is that everything? What about clothes and photos and all of that?" Doug asked.
Sara sighed, and brushed stray strands of hair behind her ear, a habit she had formed over the years. "He never really had many clothes here, they've already been boxed up, believe it or not." She paused for a moment. "And the pictures, I put them in a box in the garage." She had gotten too distressed at seeing them every day, a constant reminder of what she had lost, of the life she would never experience again.
Doug nodded and smiled. "You did good Sara." He said as she made a move to move past him and out of the room. Even though it was emptier than before, she felt as if the walls were closing in on her.
"What about your ring?" He asked her as she walked past him, and she twirled to look at him. Her eyes met his and he was silent for a moment.
Her hand went to her neck, and she gently fingered the warm gold band that hung on the chain, just long enough to lie over her heart. It was a constant reminder for her. She shook her head immediately. "No. I'm not ready for that yet." She said, and Doug said nothing, only smiled gently.
He wouldn't push her into anything. "Whenever you're ready, Sara."
Sara gave him a thankful smile and she turned and made her way out of the office, and Doug followed, closing the door behind them.
"I'm going to have a quick shower, and then get changed." Sara called as she looked over her shoulder to him.
"That's perfect. I'm going to make a trip over to my apartment, shower and change there, and then I'll come back here, we'll go out for something to eat, okay?"
Sara didn't argue. She knew what he was doing. He wanted to get her out of the house, and strangely, she welcomed that idea. "That's great. I'll see you soon, Doug."
She followed him out of the house, to close the door, lock it and set the alarm after him. The alarm was a constant thing in her life now. She tried not to notice the PD cars she had seen make a trip out this way, knowing it was under the instruction of Brass. In fact, it made her feel a little better.
She made her way back to her room, closing the bedroom door behind her, despite already being alone.
She opened the top drawer in her dresser, and sighed, as she pulled out the little bundle she had carefully wrapped up, and hidden beneath her pajamas. The blue shirt he had always left for her, after wearing it while he was here, was folded up, wrapped around two photographs, neither she could bare to part with. One was snapped in Costa Rica, on the day they were married, with the sun setting, their fingers were entwined, and the laughter that was obviously falling from their lips in that moment, you could almost hear it. It was the happiest day of her life, the day she had become Sara Grissom.
The second photo had been taken before Natalie, when they were in the early stages of their relationship. It was just after they had Hank, and on a rare day they both had off from work, they had taken him to a park, far out from Vegas. They ate a picnic and watched as Hank ran in and out of the lake, watching him swim through the cooling water. Sara had taken her camera, and had been taking photos, and as she had set it on timer to snap one of her and Grissom so she could remember the day, Hank had decided to return to them.
He bounded over, dripping wet, and started to shake himself dry, spraying water over them both. While the captured look on Sara's face was one of amusement, Grissom's was one of total shock and bewilderment. It was a priceless moment, and she smiled fondly now as he fingers stroked over the outlines of the photo.
Her heart ached as she remembered those times. Hank had to be put down less than a year ago, cancer being the cause of his death. He had become so weak and was in constant pain, despite how much she wanted to keep him alive, to keep him with her, she knew he would be better off out of the misery, out of the constant pain. They made the decision together, and had held each other and wept together after. Hank had been the closest thing to a child her and Grissom had ever had, and losing him was tough on both of them. Now, she had lost them both.
She wouldn't tell Doug about these. This was for herself, nobody else to know. She wrapped them back up, wiped away her hot tears, and placed them back in the dresser.
She needed more time than this. She had loved the man for near twenty years, how many times did she need to say it? Not only that, he was the only person she had ever loved, he was the reason she had fought for her life in that desert. He was the reason she had fought to survive. Without him she would have given up, she would have succumbed to the rising waters, and drowned before the team even had an idea where she was. He gave her something to fight for, a reason to live, a reason to be alive.
She needed more time than two months to come to terms with what had happened. She couldn't just flip a switch and forget about him, and move on. She needed time, and she would do this in her own time.
She turned the water to hot on the shower, and let her clothes fall to the floor. She padded to her ipod and speakers, and switched on the song she had on constant repeat over the last few weeks. Slow it Down by The Lumineers. She didn't know why, but she couldn't stop listening to it, no matter how she tried, she always went back to it.
She slipped into the shower, and let the hot water pour over her emotionally bruised and battered body. Despite her best efforts, more tears started to fall, and mix with the hot water. She just stood for minutes, crying under the hot spray, trying to relieve some of the pressure she had felt building on her chest.
It was easier to do it this way. She could let everyone think she was okay, they would stop looking out for her so much, being so cautious around her, and things would go back to normal.
She was a pro at keeping things to herself, and she knew this would just be another example of that.
Only in times like this would she ever allow her true feelings to show. She would let those walls down, for just a few minutes, in the confines of her shower, where she could cry with no interruption, with no look or worry from anyone else.
Even with all of her friends rallying around her, she had never truly felt so alone.
xxx
A/N: Hope you enjoyed this, i was a little iffy with this chapter, but after some lovely words of encouragement from monstersinside, I settled with it. Hope you're enjoying so far, and I would love to read a review, it really makes me smile :)
