Cate tossed and turned all night. She couldn't sleep. How could she sleep when her daughter was fighting for her life?
She felt like everything was spiraling out of control. Cate liked to control everything.
Cate didn't know what to do when she lost control. The pregnancy had been the first time she'd truly felt powerless. She hadn't been able to control her body or her emotions.
After she gave Lux up, Cate struggled to regain control of her life. Running had helped.
When Cate ran, she was in control. She'd lost all the baby weight and gotten in the best shape of her life over the past two months.
Now she felt like all the progress she'd made had gone out the window.
Cate glanced at her alarm clock. It read 4:34 am. Cate had checked the clock throughout the night, wondering how long she'd been lying there awake. She knew she couldn't have gotten more than a few hours of sleep.
Cate rolled out of bed. She changed into workout clothes and pulled her hair back.
Cate took off at a run, no destination in mind. She was running away from her problems. Problems she didn't know how to deal with.
She couldn't control what happened to Lux. She couldn't control whether Lux lived or died.
Cate hadn't anticipated this. She'd thought the giving birth would be the most difficult part of getting pregnant, but it wasn't. Being unable to control what happened to the innocent child who'd been inside of her for nine months was much more difficult.
Lost in her thoughts, Cate subconsciously ran to the hospital. She looked up, surprised, when she realized where she'd ended up. She hadn't meant to run to the hospital.
She knew visiting hours probably wouldn't begin for several hours, but Cate found herself entering the hospital anyway.
She made her way to the pediatric wing. Although she'd only been there once, she knew her way by heart. She almost felt a magnetic attraction to the basinet where Lux was sleeping.
Cate smiled down at her daughter. She looked so peaceful when she was sleeping.
Cate pulled up a chair and watched Lux sleep. She didn't know how long she'd been sitting there when Fern appeared by her side.
"I didn't expect to see you back here," Fern said.
Cate jumped slightly, her hand shooting to her heart. She'd been so focused on Lux that she hadn't even heard Fern approach.
"I'm sorry," Fern apologized quickly. "I didn't mean to scare you."
Cate smiled. "It's OK. I didn't hear you."
"I didn't expect to see you back here," Fern said again.
"I just, I couldn't stay away," Cate struggled to explain.
"I understand." Fern smiled kindly.
Lux's cries pierced their ears and both Cate and Fern turned their attention back to the basinet.
Cate instinctively reached for Lux.
"No," Fern stopped her.
Cate stared at Fern.
"You can't hold her because she's too susceptible to infection," Fern reminded Cate.
Cate nodded sadly.
Although it was only minutes before a nurse appeared and tended to Lux, it felt like hours. Every second Cate listened to Lux cry unable to do anything was excruciating.
Cate watched enviously as another woman comforted her daughter. It should be her holding Lux, Cate thought.
Whoa, where did that come from, Cate wondered. She shook her head.
"Is she OK?" Cate asked anxiously after Lux's cries subsided.
"She's fine," the nurse replied.
"Are you sure? It's not her heart?" Cate asked.
The nurse smiled, amused. "No. Babies always cry when they wake up."
"Can you check? Just to make sure," Cate said desperately.
"It's actually time for Dr. Cooper to examine Lux, but I'm sure she's fine," the nurse assured Cate.
"Can I come?" Cate asked.
"Yes." The nurse smiled.
The nurse led the way to an examination room, Cate and Fern following at her heels.
Dr. Cooper entered. He looked surprised to see Cate.
"This is Lux's mother, Cate Cassidy," the nurse explained.
Cate didn't know why, but being called Lux's mother took her by surprise. She'd never really thought of herself as a mother. Pregnant, yes, but not actually a mother.
"Hi, Cate. I'm Dr. Cooper." The doctor offered his hand politely.
Cate shook it. "It's nice to meet you."
The doctor moved around, examining Lux and telling Cate what he was doing.
"Lux is recovering well," Dr. Cooper concluded after examining her.
Cate breathed a sigh of relief. She'd been holding her breath throughout the examination. "When can you try the surgery again?"
Dr. Cooper frowned. "She's recovering well, but she won't be strong enough for another surgery for at least a few months. Probably longer."
Cate's face fell.
Dr. Cooper left, in a hurry to check on other patients. The nurse took Lux back to the nursery.
"Can I touch her?" Cate asked.
The nurse smiled and procured one of those weird plastic things for Cate to wear.
Cate reached her hand into the basinet, patting Lux gently.
"You're so strong," Cate told Lux.
Fern watched the young mother with her child. The expression on Cate's face was one of pure love.
"And you're so beautiful. Even with the ventilator," Cate continued, glancing at the offending tubes hooked up to her daughter.
Cate noticed Lux was wearing the same baby outfit she'd been wearing the previous day and frowned. She looked at Fern. "Does she have any other clothes?"
"Lux has been wearing hospital issue clothes. The state doesn't have a budget for buying clothes," Fern explained.
Cate's frown deepened. She turned back to Lux. "I'll get you some clothes. Don't worry. You'll be the prettiest girl in the whole hospital."
Cate glanced at the clock regretfully and realized she was going to be late for school. "I'll be back later," she promised Lux.
"Cate, can I speak with you for a moment?" Fern asked.
Cate nodded, wondering what Fern wanted.
"Do you still want to give Lux up for adoption?" Fern asked, watching Cate's reaction intently.
Cate looked surprised. "I, uh, I already did. I mean, I signed the paperwork."
"Actually, whoever processed your paperwork forgot to get your signature on the form that officially relinquishes your parental rights," Fern said.
"I'm sorry. What does that mean?" Cate asked, confusion wrinkling her brow.
"It means that you're still legally Lux's mother," Fern explained.
"Really?" Cate asked hopefully.
"You can sign the form and your parental rights will be terminated," Fern began.
"Oh," Cate said, her hopes deflating. She looked visibly disappointed.
"Or, if you're having second thoughts, you have an opportunity to change your mind," Fern continued.
"Really? There's really a chance of that?" Cate asked.
"Yes." Fern smiled. She handed Cate a business card. "Let me know what you decide."
"I will," Cate assured Fern.
Cate had missed first period by the time she got to school. She sighed. She was already playing catch up from missing the first week.
Cate's teachers had taken it as a personal affront that Cate dared to miss a whole week of classes. Cate had made the work up quickly. It's not like her social life had gotten in the way, Cate thought bitterly.
But Cate's attentiveness did little to win her teachers over. As Cate hurried to her second period, she passed her first period teacher, who shot her a dirty look.
Just my luck, Cate thought. Cate hurried after her teacher. "Excuse me, Mrs. Greene."
Mrs. Greene stopped and turned to face Cate, her expression hostile. "Ms. Cassidy. I missed you in class this morning."
"I know. I'm sorry. I had a…family emergency," Cate replied truthfully.
Mrs. Greene gazed at Cate skeptically.
"A, uh, relative is in the hospital," Cate said.
"I'm sorry." Mrs. Greene's expression softened slightly. "Will your relative be OK?"
"I don't know," Cate replied, tears stinging her eyes.
Cate made it to second period just as the bell rang. She sat down in her usual seat next to Alice.
"You look like hell," Alice observed.
"Thanks," Cate said sarcastically.
"I didn't mean it that way," Alice said. She studied her friend. "You're wearing workout clothes. You don't have any make-up on. It looks like you've been crying."
"A relative is in the hospital," Cate repeated what she'd told her teacher just a few minutes earlier.
Alice frowned. "What relative?"
Cate hesitated. Before Cate could come up with an explanation, their teacher started lecturing. Cate pretended to be engrossed in the lecture, not wanting to resume their conversation.
After school, Cate went to the mall. She used the phone at Paula's to call the hospital.
"Hi, this is Cate Cassidy. I wanted to check on my daughter, Lux," Cate said when a nurse answered.
"Can I put you on hold?" The nurse asked.
"Yeah," Cate replied. She tapped her fingers on the counter anxiously.
"Ms. Cassidy?"
"Yeah?" Cate said, sucking in her breath.
"Lux is stable. There's no change," the nurse reported.
"Thank you," Cate said dully.
No change. In other worse, my daughter is still on a ventilator in a hospital fighting for her life, Cate translated. It wasn't exactly good news, but Cate knew things could be worse.
Cate usually enjoyed working. Today was different. The time passed so slowly. Cate was distracted and kept making stupid mistakes.
She'd given a customer the wrong change after ringing up a purchase. The customer had yelled at her angrily.
Usually willing to stay late, Cate was watching the clock when it was finally time to leave. She'd already retrieved her purse.
Cate left and found a directory. She browsed the listings, trying to find a good children's clothing store.
Cate went into Gymboree. She smiled, taking in all the adorable little dresses. She spotted a white dress with red cherries on it and looked at the tag.
She gasped when she saw the price tag. How could such a little dress cost so much?
Cate made her way to the sale rack in the back. These were much more affordable. Cate found several dresses that would look precious on Lux, but soon realized she didn't understand the sizing at all.
Was Lux a newborn, Cate wondered. She wasn't actually a newborn. She was two months old. But the next size was 3-6 months. Lux wasn't three months old yet. And she was so little. So fragile, Cate thought sadly.
"Can I help you?" A salesperson asked helpfully. She'd been watching the young girl shop and noticed the look of confusion on her face.
"Yes," Cate said emphatically. "I'm shopping for a two-month old."
Cate used her hands to try to show the saleperson about how big Lux was. "She's about this big."
The salesperson laughed. "Are you shopping for your niece?"
"Yeah," Cate lied, looking down.
"She's probably a newborn. But we can print a gift receipt in case it's too small," the salesperson said.
"Thanks," Cate said gratefully. She continued shopping.
Cate watched as the salesperson rang her up. She hadn't realized how much she was buying. Even though the little dresses were only about fifteen to thirty dollars on sale, they were quickly adding up.
Cate gulped when she saw the total flash across the register. 219.99.
That would be over half of Cate's paycheck, she knew, but Lux needed clothes. Cate handed her credit card over, resigned to the purchase.
