Hey every one! You guys are awesome and thanks for waiting and being understanding. I told you I wouldn't leave you!
Callie-
Every time I woke up it was like being stuck in the same twenty minutes of time. The instantaneous fear and acknowledgement that I couldn't move my body at all, quickly followed by the realization that I wasn't at home in my bed. And after the initial panic and adrenaline subsided pain quickly replaced it, sometimes Stef or Lena would be beside me but other times I was alone, either way I was confused. I would flip through my memory, I was at home on Monday and I woke up for school, I got in the car with Lena. And then I was alone at school, trapped, I couldn't get out.
No matter how many times I replayed this memory in my mind, no new memories came, and nothing told me how I ended up here in the hospital. More than anything I wanted to know what was wrong with me, what in the world had happened to me? I would lay there for an hour trying to move something or say anything, but it wouldn't happen and exhaustion would consume me, restarting the entire process of waking up entirely confused.
I stared at the ceiling above my bed, I remembered being scared. That's all, just scared. I closed my eyes in an attempt to lessen any pain caused by the bright florescent lights, sometimes people sit beside me. I couldn't remember who would come and see me, but I missed them, how long have I been here? Someone walked into my room, I opened my eyes and looked around, but they weren't close enough for me to see them. When they did get close enough I didn't recognize them, she worked here. I couldn't put a word with what you call people that work here, what the hell had happened to me? She smiled as she replaced an empty bag on the IV pole next to my bed, she said a few words that were stubbornly indistinguishable. She wrote something on a clipboard before looking at me again, say something to her, ask her what happened.
I tried to remember how to form words, I had never had to think about it before. The woman had said something else, she leaned in closer and removed the pillow from under my head carefully laying me back down on the mattress. She rolled me onto my side with a rehearsed precision that caused a white hot pain to shoot through my chest, a soft moan escaped. The woman squeezed my shoulder and changed the sheets from under me rather quickly before tucking me back into clean sheets. I tried to make another noise, any other noise, but the woman squeezed my hand before leaving me alone again.
It was progress, some part of me could still talk, I just needed to be able to do it again. That's what I focused on until I fell asleep again, just one more noise that's all I needed.
Stef-
Callie wove in and out of consciousness and Lena and I agreed it was a good thing. They ran test after test and marked every bit of progress, or lack thereof, on the thick clipboard at the foot of her bed. There were talks of therapy and other specialists, but everyone agreed that Callie just needed more time. Everyone seemed to believe that more time would cure everything.
Lena and I sat beside Callie's bed on Friday afternoon looking over the notes on Callie's chart from the previous week. The only thing that had really changed was the amount of time Callie could stay conscious for and her ability to focus her eyes on people about six feet away from her.
"Do you think she remembers the shooting?" Lena asked as I jotted down a few notes off Callie's chart and Lena double checked our budgeting for next week.
"Callie?" I asked looking over the top of my reading glasses. Lena nodded. "No, definitely not. I hardly remember getting shot, there is no way Callie remembers."
"Do you think that's a good thing?" I wasn't sure how to answer. "Like right now do you think it's a good thing that Callie doesn't remember?"
"No, she's probably scared." I suddenly recognized. "We should explain the accident to her."
"Should we? Or should we just tell her she was in an accident?" Lena asked softly.
"We can't lie to her, she'll figure it out." Lena gave me that look, I knew that look. It was the same look she gave me when I suggested we become foster parents, or when Jesus was diagnosed with ADHD. Lena had been doing research on traumatic brain injuries and now she was only focused on the worst case scenario. "What are you thinking?"
"What if Callie doesn't get any better than this?"
"Then we bring her home and let her know we love her." I said gently, pulling off my glasses.
"Stef seriously." Lena glanced up at the open door leading out to the hallway, stood up, and shut it before continuing. "What if that was it, those nine months of her living with us, that was all we had?"
"Lena she isn't dead, we still have time." Tears flooded Lena's eyes, threatening to spill over, but she wiped them away before they had a chance.
"You think I'm being selfish." She said coldly.
"No, not at all." I said quickly.
"I know she isn't dead. I know that Stef, but everything is still different. I had dreams of dropping her off at college, teaching her to drive, graduating from high school. Do you know how hard she's worked to graduate on time?" Lena took a deep breath and fought to stay calm. "She probably won't do any of those things now."
"You don't know that. She probably won't graduate from high school on time, but it's still Callie. Our Callie, the girl you almost didn't take in because she was a fighter. She won't give up on us now."
"This isn't about Callie not trying hard enough."
"You know that's not what I meant." I tried not to sound hurt, but that's exactly how it sounded.
"I-I know. But no matter what, things aren't going to be the same. What if every day she wakes up and we have to tell her who we are? What if she never walks again? What if I never get to hear her say 'I love you' one more time?" There was nothing I could say to make this better. Everything she said was valid and had some truth to it, there was no guarantee that Callie could do any of those things.
"You aren't alone. We're in this together and we always will be. Helping her through this is going to take both of us." This didn't seem to ease any of Lena's concerns. "What did you read that worried you the most?"
"Please don't tell me not to read up on this." She said softly.
"I have no problem with you reading up on this." I insisted holding eye contact. She nodded once hopefully in a way that acknowledged I was telling the truth. "Any time I try and look something up I get too upset, so maybe we can do this together?"
"I'd like that." She nodded. I walked over to where she was standing and waited to see if she was actually okay, as soon as I got close she broke down and began crying for real. There really wasn't anything that I could say that could convince her things were going to be okay, mostly because there was no way what has happening could be considered okay. I wrapped my arms around her and held tight. "I'm not ready to lose her." She admitted.
"I know. Trust me I know." In the three weeks since the shooting I couldn't believe that Lena had held it together for so long, sure she had cried. She had cried, but she hadn't shown much awareness for what the future could hold. "When I was with her in the ambulance she was okay. She was hurt, but she was okay. If she gets back to that point it will be a breeze." I kissed her shoulder and sighed.
"What was wrong in the ambulance?"
"She had a little trouble talking, but that might have been because of something else. I don't really remember everything, there was a lot going on." I mumbled.
"What aren't you telling me?"
"I'm serious I don't remember everything." Lena leaned away and looked at me. "She had some paralysis on her right side, but her surgeon was hoping that it would repair itself after surgery."
"That's not too bad right?" I nodded.
"So what are you worried about?" I asked as Lena seemed to pull herself together.
"I need to know what I need to be worried about." I felt my eyebrows furrow. "I mean, I can't stand being worried about everything. I want to know what's wrong with Callie so we can start fixing it."
"Lena just tell me what's bothering you." I said wiping a stray tear off her cheek.
"There-there are a lot of things that come with traumatic brain injuries." Lena stepped around me and walked over to her computer that was sitting on the table in the corner. I stood behind her and watched as she opened a folder in the middle of her desktop. "There are some things that we know or can assume. Callie will probably have problems with seizures, the paralysis on her right side, and like you said her speech." Lena had a list of common problems related to the areas of Callie's brain that we knew had been affected by the accident.
"So what do we do about those things?" I asked glancing over to make sure Callie was still asleep before pulling up a chair beside Lena.
"Medication for the seizures, and therapy for the other two. A lot of therapy, possibly for the rest of her life."
"Well we have to do it if it needs to be done." I said simply. "We'll figure out how to afford it when we know what she needs okay?" Lena nodded and scrolled past a few therapists covered by our insurance that she had obviously been talking to.
"The things we won't know for a week or two are things like cognitive abilities. Memory problems, attention, concentration, impulsivity."
"Sounds like Jesus." I said with a chuckle.
"Yeah it does sound a lot like him, but as he got older he gained a bit of awareness of his actions. Callie won't have that."
"She may not have any of these problems though." I said quickly.
"No, the question is how bad will each of these problems be? Not if she'll have them." The air was sucked out of the room. "Hey, you okay? You just went really pale." She reached out and squeezed my hand. "Breathe Stefanie, breathe." I took a deep breath and held it. "Let it out." I exhaled slowly.
"We-we can handle this." I said quickly. "We have to handle this." I leaned closer to the computer and looked at the list of problems Lena had on her computer. Behavioral issues, language problems, vision problems, Lena was right. Even with the best case scenario we were bringing home a different Callie. "We can tell Callie she was in an accident until we know if she'll remember what we tell her. Okay?"
"Yeah, I can do that." Lena kept glancing at me. "Are you okay? You look like you're about to have a panic attack."
"I'm fine." I said quickly, but it wasn't necessarily true. I could feel anxiety swelling in my chest and there didn't seem to be much I could actually do about it. "When should we explain this to the kids? I'm sure they think Callie will be coming home soon now that she's woken up and doing well."
"The kids." This is where Lena obviously had no idea what to do, she knew almost everything there was to know about what may or may not even be wrong with Callie but she was focused on Callie. "I looked into the counseling we talked about. Mariana is obviously having a hard time processing what happened at the school and I think Jude is struggling with whatever happened between himself and Callie. We'll tell them what to expect with Callie, but I think the counselor will help the most."
"Okay." I choked out. "Can you watch Callie? I need a minute." I said standing up from the table, Lena tugged on my fingers as I pulled away from her. She probably wanted me to stay, but I couldn't. I walked out of Callie's room and went down the hall to a bathroom. I locked myself in the single stall room and turned on the sink. I stared at myself in the mirror and listened to the water run for thirty seconds. My heart pounded in my ears, tears blurred my eyes, and my chest seared with panic. I knew it would be bad, I was there, I had watched Callie struggle for her life in that ambulance, but maybe it was me. Maybe I had been pretending Callie would make a miraculous recovery.
I filled my hands with the cool water running out of the tap and splashed it onto my face. Hot tears burnt my cheeks and I just continued to try and breathe through it. I washed my face a final time before shutting off the water and drying my face. I took another deep breath and was relieved to feel the weight that had previously been sitting on my chest start to melt away. I turned away from the mirror and walked back out into the hallway. "Hi Mrs. Adams-Foster." A voice said as I stepped out of the bathroom. I turned towards the voice and saw Kelsey standing a little ways down the hall.
"Hey Kelsey, how are you doing today?" I asked forcing a smile.
"Really good. I have surgery on Monday, but once I recover from that I get to go to a rehab center." She said crutching towards me.
"That's great to hear, do you want to go see Lena? I'm sure she would love to see you." I asked meeting Kelsey halfway so she wouldn't have to walk too far. "Callie might be awake now, she isn't talking yet but seeing people she recognizes might be nice."
"Only if you think it's okay." Kelsey said hesitantly.
"Of course it is sweetie." I looked around for a nurse or someone. "Callie's room is around the corner, that's not too far for you to walk right?"
"Oh no that's fine." Kelsey suddenly looked like this was one of the best days ever. Her parents must be really busy, any time I pass her room it's always empty and she's always alone. I opened the door to Callie's room and gave Lena an encouraging nod before holding the door wider for Kelsey to walk through.
"Hi Mrs. Adams-Foster." Kelsey said with a huge smile. Lena jumped up and hugged her, one of her crutches clattered loudly to the floor.
"Oh Kelsey." Lena said holding her tightly. "I've been so worried about you, I've been trying to check in with your parents but they won't answer."
"It's okay." Kelsey said through Lena's shirt, but I could see that Kelsey was crying. I averted my eyes a little so she wouldn't feel embarrassed and checked on Callie. It was about time for her to wake up again, but as of now she was still asleep. "I'm doing a lot better." Kelsey said proudly.
"Yes you are." Lena said smiling and looking her up and down. "Up and walking, you're doing great sweetie." I picked up Kelsey's dropped crutch and handed it back to her and Lena walked over with her to the table in the corner. Lena quickly shut her computer so Kelsey couldn't see the terrifying doctor's reports about cognitive disabilities. Kelsey eased down into the chair wincing a little and she had to sit at an awkward angle to accommodate the bulky cast.
"I-I wanted to say I was sorry." Kelsey said softly. I turned back to Callie to give Lena and Kelsey another moment. "I pressured Mariana into selling those pills and I lied and said Callie did it. I was the one that stole the hat, I did all of those things. I'm really sorry, I'm so sorry." Kelsey confessed all of these things and just waited to hear what Lena had to say.
"It's okay Kelsey, everything is going to be okay. I promise." Lena said softly. "We all make mistakes, those things you did, those choices. We can fix all those okay?"
"I talked to my parents about what I did. They said you might expel me once you knew."
"No honey, we aren't expelling anyone right now." Lena said softly. "I promise you can still go to Anchor Beach if you want." Tears spilled over Kelsey's eyes again but she smiled brightly. I reached out to Callie's hand and held it tightly watching her eyes flutter open as they did every few hours. I squeezed her hand to let her know I was there and her eyes found me, I smiled, her eyes drifted away and her face remained still. My stomach knotted tightly, this was what Lena was talking about, what if Callie was trapped like this forever.
I could hear Lena and Kelsey talking in the corner, they were just talking about all the things Kelsey wanted to do once she was out of the hospital. Callie may not be able to do any of those things. I squeezed Callie's hand a little harder and to my surprise she squeezed back. Her face didn't change, but her fingertips were white, she was holding my hand. I held it back and kissed her fingers, I wanted to jump with joy and hold her tightly, but more than anything I didn't want this moment to end.
"Lena, Lena come here." I said quickly. Lena jumped up, obviously concerned that something had gone wrong. "Look Lena, look." I said gesturing to our interlocked hands.
"I, I don't understand." Lena said slowly. I carefully pried my hand out of Callie's and interlocked their hands together. I watched as Callie tightened her fingers again over her Momma's hand. It was painfully slow and appeared to take an incredible amount of effort but Lena's face broke into a smile I hadn't realized I had missed so much. Lena wrapped her other hand around Callie's and leaned in close to her. Lena's curls brushed Callie's face, but her expression remained still, Lena whispered something into Callie's ear and I looked back to see Kelsey still sitting there.
"You can come over and talk to Callie if you want. She can hear you." Kelsey looked a little anxious at the notion of this.
"I don't know. Callie and I didn't get along very well. She should hate me." Kelsey said honestly.
"Trust me honey, it takes a lot for Callie to hate someone. She doesn't hate you, you guys weren't friends, but she doesn't hate you." Kelsey looked as though she didn't quite believe me, but she also didn't question it. She hopped a little closer to the side of Callie's bed and waited patiently for Lena to step back. When she finally did lean away from Callie she had tears in her eyes again but she truly looked happy, Kelsey stepped in looking nervous, but it didn't stop her from talking to Callie. Lena never let go of Callie's hand even though as time passed it was obvious Callie was falling back asleep.
"Thanks for letting me spend time with you guys, I think I'm going to go back to my room now." Kelsey said once Callie had actually fallen asleep.
"Do you need one of us to walk with you?" I asked, Lena looked like she wasn't going to let go of Callie's hand any time soon even though Callie wasn't holding it anymore.
"No, I'll be okay, I have to get ready for physical therapy." Kelsey assured me, she walked towards the door and I held it open for her.
"Thanks for visiting Callie, it really means a lot to us." I said placing my hand on Kelsey's shoulder.
"Thanks for letting me come over, it gets kind of boring in my room by myself."
"Well whenever Lena or I are here you can come see Callie, and when she's doing better feel free to come in and hang out with her. I'm sure she'll appreciate it." I said softly. Kelsey nodded and I watched her walk down the hall, she was different.
She was more like the Kelsey Mariana had been friends with in elementary school. A little girl without many friends, and back then Kelsey used to spend entire weekends at our house because her parents were going through such a nasty divorce. I closed the door and tried not to think about the Kelsey that had been lying helplessly on the floor in the security tape.
"We should let the kids come visit soon. Maybe seeing Jude and everyone else will make Callie feel better." Lena said, turning away from Callie for the first time since she had held her hand.
"Let's wait just a few more days. Just a few okay?" Lena nodded and finally let go of Callie's now limp hand. "I don't want the kids to be scared."
"Speaking of the kids, it's getting late, we told them we would be home for family dinner." Lena started packing up her stuff and I made sure she didn't forget anything. "Okay, good to go?"
"Yep." I leaned over and kissed Callie's forehead, I told her how much I loved her and waited in the hall for Lena to do the same.
"Alright. Let's go home." Lena said shutting off the lights and closing the door gently. I placed my hand on the small of Lena's back and we walked out of the hospital together. I pulled the keys out of my pocket and pressed the button for the elevator, as the doors closed I reached out and held Lena's hand. "I'm exhausted." Lena chuckled. "I'm jealous that Callie gets to sleep all day."
"We'll have to put her to work when she's up and moving." I agreed. The doors opened on the fifth floor and I reflexively let go of Lena's hand, but it was too late. The man that was about to step on saw us and hesitated slightly before shuffling inside, his cheeks turning red. I reached back over and held Lena's hand again, today I didn't care. "What floor sir?" I asked reaching towards the buttons, but he just reached across and pressed the button for the lobby. Callie was getting better and this man wasn't going to ruin my day, his floor came before ours and he walked off the elevator quickly.
And then I heard it, a word that made my face flush and my blood boil. I wanted to say something back, but the doors were already closed. I felt Lena's hand tighten over my arm but I shook her away and jammed my finger into the door open button. The elevator started moving down and I slammed my hand against the wall swearing.
"Hey." Lena shouted. "What the hell is the matter with you?"
"What do you mean what the hell is the matter with me?" I shouted, Lena clenched her teeth. "I know you heard what he just called us."
"Of course I did, but why do you care so much now?"
"What are you saying that I've never cared before?" I spewed.
"Stop yelling and calm down." Lena said slowly, she was pissed, but she was pissed at me. "He's no one, we'll never see him again, he has no idea who we are, it's going to be okay."
"If he can say it to our faces imagine what he says at home behind closed doors." I was fuming and it was taking all of my energy not to shout at Lena some more.
"What it the kids were here with us?"
"The kids aren't here with us, what do the kids have to do with this. That man just insulted you, he insulted us and it's my job to protect you."
"I don't need you to protect me." Lena said, she was annoyed now. "What can you do that I can't do for myself?"
"That's not what I meant." I said through clenched teeth. The door to the elevator opened into the parking garage and I stormed out.
"It upset me too, but we both know that there are some things you just have to let go." Lena said jogging to catch up.
"No there aren't. I know that's what we used to tell our kids when they were picked on or made fun of but look where it has gotten us. I think we were wrong, the kids may go to a different school next year and we've all heard the horror stories of what happens to kids with 'fag parents'."
"Please don't say that word." Lena said softly.
"It suddenly bothers you now?" I asked angrily. I opened her car door for her to get in, but she pulled it closed before I could close it for her. "So strangers on elevators can call us 'fags' but when I say it, it makes you uncomfortable?" I asked starting the car.
"Seriously Stefanie you want to have this kind of conversation now?" She said throwing her hands in the air. I started the car and took a deep breath before backing out of the parking space.
"When else would we have this conversation?" I asked, putting the car in drive.
"It's been a long day and I think we're just tired okay?" Lena said slowly.
"It was a great day until that ass hole ruined it. I don't understand why you're mad at me." I snapped.
"I'm not mad at you for being upset, but you're losing it. You're letting what one stupid man said one time ruin your day." I pulled onto the highway and we started the hour commute back home.
"It's not about that, it's about the fact that I couldn't stand up for you and my family. He got to walk into that elevator and ruin our day with our daughter with one stupid fucking word. And you don't care."
"I do care, and you didn't need to defend the family."
"I obviously did because you weren't going to." The car was dead silent. "Fuck." I shouted. I took a deep breath and reached over for Lena's hand, but she pulled away. "Fine." I whispered. The car was silent with a thick disgusting amount of tension. I pulled into the drive way and Lena jumped out of the car, I opened the trunk and reached for her bag but she pulled it out before me. "Hun"-
"Don't talk to me right now." She cut me off. I closed the door and locked the car, she was already opening the front door and walked inside without me. I took a deep breath and walked inside.
"Hey mom!" Brandon shouted from the kitchen, Jude wrapped his arms around my waist and I leaned down to kiss the top of his head.
"How was your day buddy?" I asked pushing his shaggy hair out of his eyes.
"Okay, Connor asked if he could come over but I wasn't sure if he was allowed to without you home."
"Of course he can, how about tomorrow?" Jude smiled.
"I'll go text him." He ran up the stairs and Mariana peeked out from the kitchen.
"You guys are late. I already set the table and everything." She said with a hint of Mariana sass.
"Yeah, we saw Kelsey at the hospital, she's doing really well." Lena said giving her a hug. Brandon pulled a casserole out of the oven.
"This one looks like it might actually be good." He said happily. "Jesus is in the garage working out." He said placing the casserole in the middle of the table. Jude came jogging down the stairs with his cell phone in his hand.
"Hey Jude can you go get Jesus and tell his it's time for dinner?" Lena asked scooping servings onto each of the plates. He dropped his phone on the table and ran out the back door to the garage. Everyone gathered around the table, Lena asked each of the kids how their day was and then it was just quiet.
"How's Callie, is she doing better?" Jude asked after looking between Lena and I.
"Yes Callie is doing a lot better, she can stay awake a bit longer, she isn't talking yet but we just have to keep being patient." Lena said quickly. "I was thinking you guys can come visit again in another week." Jude lit up like a Christmas tree.
"Lena I thought we were going to wait." I said quickly, Jude deflated almost instantly.
"Callie needs this." She said without looking at me. "So next Friday, how does that sound?" Lena said brightly. Jude looked between the two of us, Brandon had caught on too. Jesus was too busy eating and Mariana was texting under the table.
"What happened?" Brandon asked softly. "Is Callie okay?"
"Callie's fine, this has nothing to do with Callie alright?" Lena said quickly. Brandon just nodded once, but then looked over at me.
"It's all good." I assured him with a smile, he didn't believe me.
"Are you guys getting a divorce?" Jude asked softly.
"No." Lena and I said in unison.
"Who told you that?" I demanded looking at Jesus and Brandon.
"Stef really with the shouting?"
"Dammit Lena this is why the kids think we're getting a divorce. I'm upset, people shout when they're upset." I took a deep breath and looked at Jude. "No one is getting a divorce."
"What made you upset?" Jesus asked.
"Just someone at the hospital." Lena said quickly.
"What happened?"
"Jesus I don't"- Lena started.
"Someone called us"-
"Stefanie don't. Seriously, can you just stop?" Lena shouted over everyone. "We were called a name that I never want to hear in this house, from anyone, understand?" Everyone murmured a 'yes' and then the kitchen was quiet again. "We aren't getting a divorce, I still love your mom very much, and everything is just really hard right now. I understand it's hard for you guys too, but everyone has to keep doing their best."
"I'm sorry." I said across the table. Lena just nodded, she was going to get over it, but it was obvious I was sleeping on the couch tonight. We finished dinner in an awkward silence, and the kids fled the kitchen as fast as they could, leaving us there doing dishes. "I am sorry, I really mean it. I didn't mean what I said about you not standing up for the kids. I shouldn't have even said it."
"I know, I'm still mad at you though." She said handing me a dish to dry. "Since when did we decide not to send the kids back to Anchor Beach?" She said softly so any eavesdropper couldn't hear.
"When did I say that?"
"When we were on the way home, you mentioned standing up for the kids if they didn't go back to Anchor Beach. What's wrong with Anchor Beach?"
"It freaks me out. I don't know if I can send our kids back to the place they almost died." I said holding back a shudder. "I doubt Mariana wants to go back, and if she doesn't go Jesus won't go. Brandon is getting really far behind and we could send him to that private school we looked at, I really don't know about sending Callie back there. Then if Callie doesn't go back there is no way Jude is going to a different school than his sister."
"Well we don't know how long it will be before Callie goes back to school if she does at all." That was true. "But you're right about Brandon, he needs to go back if he wants to graduate next year. I'll call around and see what I can do, but we can't afford private school right now."
"Maybe they'll give him a scholarship or something." I suggested. Lena didn't answer, the conversation was over.
Callie-
I woke up to people touching me, my heart pounded in my ears making my head pulse. I struggled to open my eyes, but they wouldn't open. I wanted to call out for moms, someone was in the house. I finally pried my eyes open and I wasn't in my room, where was I? A hospital. People were around me and touching me, as soon as my eyes opened a face leaned in and smiled. I don't recognize this person, they begin to talk but their words are just harsh nonsense. I try to ask for help, ask someone to tell me where I am or how I got here, but my body won't respond. I want to tell someone that it hurts, everything hurts. The sounds in the room hurt my teeth, the lights hurt my eyes, my heart beating is like a bomb ticking down until my head explodes, and the right side of my chest has a stabbing pain every time I breathe. I need to tell someone so they can help me, but I can't move.
Someone's finger is placed in front of my face and it moves back and forth. I follow it the best I can with my eyes, but it blurs in and out of focus causing lightning to shoot behind my eye. I shut my eyes to make it stop, and feel tears fall from the corners of my eyes. The hands don't stop touching me, but suddenly my entire body begins to move and I'm sitting up. Muscles along my back contract involuntarily and I struggle to move something, all my weight shifts onto my right side for a brief moment and I take little breaths to make it stop. White hot pain that I can't tell anyone about, I want to scream, but more tears just spill over. I focus on those little breaths and keeping my eyes closed, I'm in the hospital, something happened.
The hands finally stop touching me and someone wipes away the tears on my face with a towel. I open them as the pain in my chest begins to fade and there are only two people left in the room. "Breathe." A woman beside my bed says slowly, she's wearing a polo shirt and khaki pants. There's a logo on her shirt but it blurs whenever I try to read it. "Callie." Callie, Callie, that's my name. I look up at her, I had understood her. She smiles and steps a little closer. Her lips moved, but I didn't understand her this time, she must have asked me to do something because she continued to stare at me. I wanted to explain to her that I just didn't understand, I wasn't ignoring her I just couldn't do anything.
She starts talking again, I stare at her mouth. Something about me, I heard my name again, but it was surrounded by words I didn't recognize. She nodded at me, probably asking if I understood, but I couldn't even shake my head no. "Blink." She said slowly. She blinked. "Once for yes." She nodded, demonstrated and then nodded again. "Twice." She blinked twice. "Twice for no." She shook her head. "Okay?" I thought of the words she had just said. 'Blink once for yes, twice for no.' I thought of that sentence for almost three minutes before I understood what she was asking me to do. "Okay?" She asked holding up her hand in the okay sign. What was yes again? I'm supposed to blink, blink, blink just once. I squeezed my eyes shut and a smile broke out across her face.
She held up a laminated piece of paper with a smiling face on it and the word happy below it. "You feel…" The rest of the words were jumbled, but she gestured to the smiling face. I blinked twice. She held up another card with a sad face, blink twice. Hurt, yes I was hurt, blink once. She held up another card, pain, I squeezed my eyes shut once and she placed a comforting hand on my shoulder. Less than a minute later a nurse came in with a syringe in hand and pushed it into the IV in my arm, the pain fuzzed out into a dull throb and breathing was easier. Now it was just the two of us, she said something, I tried to focus on her mouth as she talked, but I still didn't understand a single thing.
She pointed at her mouth and opened it, then pointed at me. Was I supposed to open my mouth, I had tried that, it wasn't going to happen. But I focused on it, I struggled, I took a deep breath and parted my lips. She smiled again. She said something else, and then made an 'ahhh' sound like they tell you to do at the doctor's office. I tried for nearly five straight minutes before she let me stop, she wrote down something on a clipboard and smiled at me again. She held my left hand and squeezed it gently, squeezed each finger, and then poked the center of my hand with a pin. My fingers twitched involuntarily, she did the same with my right hand, but when she poked the middle of my palm my fingers hardly moved. She tried again, but it wasn't any better. Whatever my hand was supposed to do it obviously wasn't that. She did the same thing with the bottoms of my feet. My left leg jerked away from the pin, but my right foot didn't move at all.
"Can you feel that Callie?" She asked slowly leaning close and pressing into the arch of my foot with her thumb. I blinked once and she made a few more notes on her clipboard. I tried to tell what she was thinking by the look on her face, whatever was wrong with me obviously wasn't good. She started talking again, but I was exhausted, it was a battle to keep my eyes open and the woman noticed this. She pressed the button on the side of the bed lowering it back down so my range of view was once again limited to the ceiling. I was asleep before she even left the room.
Jude-
I sat in this therapist's office, she stared at me patiently and I just stared back at her. After five or so minutes she smiled and crossed her legs, "So Jude, tell me about your family."
"I have a really big family, don't you already know this? Isn't this in your folder?" I asked leaning closer.
"I only know what your mom, Lena, told me. I just want to get to know you though, and I can't get to know you through your mom." I was surprised, other therapists I have talked to have already known everything about me. "Have you ever talked to a therapist before?"
"Yes, I've talked to five therapists before, you're the sixth." I said with a shrug.
"Wow, so you know how to do this. What do you want to talk about then?" I thought about this.
"We can talk about my family, I love my family." I said honestly. "Well I was adopted two months ago by my moms. My sister and I were adopted at the same time, my moms already had three kids."
"That's a big family."
"I love it." I said with a smile.
"So how long were you in foster care?"
"Six years. My biological parents, well my mom died because my dad drove drunk and they got in an accident. He got out of jail last year." She nodded.
"I was a foster kid, it's hard sometimes." I suddenly felt bad for grouping her with the other therapists I had been to before.
"It was really hard, but Callie was always there for me."
"Who's Callie?"
"Oh, she's my sister. She's my biological sister, we were adopted together. She's sixteen." She smiled again and nodded encouragingly for me to continue. "We lived in a lot of homes that weren't very good and Callie was always there for me."
"I can tell that you love her very much." I nodded. "What about your moms? Do you think you've adjusted to your family?"
"I think so, I guess so, we haven't really had much time together since the, you know?" I asked shifting in my chair awkwardly.
"You go to Anchor Beach."
"Yeah, I was there. I mean we were all there, Brandon, Callie, Jesus, Mariana, and I all go there. Or went there? My mom, Lena, works there."
"When you think about what happened how do you feel?"
"Sad, guilty."
"Guilty?"
"In the school Callie tried to save me and now she's in the hospital." I said softly, my eyes started to burn. I stared up at the ceiling. "I should have done something to help her."
"What would you have done to help her?"
"I-I." I took a deep breath and swallowed hard. "I tried to move her even though I knew she had been shot, I think it made it worse. I should have stayed with her in the school, I shouldn't have gone outside. I knew the police were coming and I should have waited with Callie instead of moving her." I dried my face and turned to looked back at her, she just watched me carefully.
"If you had been shot and Callie was okay would you want her to feel guilty?"
"No." I answered automatically.
"What would you say to Callie if you were hurt and she wasn't?"
"I would just be happy what she was okay, and that I love her." I answered honestly.
"Do you think you could try and feel that way about yourself?" I nodded silently. "Do you ever feel scared when you think about what happened?"
"I used to, I used to have nightmares and I was mad at Vico for a while, but it doesn't bother me as much anymore. My brother Jesus and I talk about what happened and when we get upset we work out together."
"That's really good Jude. I think you'd be okay if you didn't want to talk to me, you can always come and see me whenever you want and you can still come talk if you want but I'm going to tell your moms that you don't have to if you don't want to." She said writing a note at the bottom of the clipboard.
"I kind of like talking to you." I admitted with a shrug.
"So do you want to talk again next week?" She asked. I nodded.
"There's one other person I'm worried about." I said softly. She waited patiently for me to continue. "Mariana still has nightmares. Sometimes when I miss Callie I sleep in her room, she shares it will Mariana and she's been having nightmares and anxiety. Even worse than Stef."
"Well I haven't met Mariana yet, but I'm going to try and help all you guys while you're going through a time like this. Okay?" I nodded. "Do you want to play a board game? I have a couple." She said turning to the book shelf. It was stacked with games, books, and toys.
"Do you have any cards?" She reached over and pulled a deck of cards out of a drawer and handed them to me. I shifted to sit on the floor and she joined me. "Do you know how play poker?" I asked shuffling the deck.
"I don't want to beat you this early. How about some Crazy Eights, you ever heard of that?" I handed her the cards and we spent the next fifteen minutes playing. Every once in a while she would ask me a question about Callie and how she was doing, I explained everything I knew about her situation, but every question she asked she always seemed to be more concerned about me than Callie.
"Alright Jude, our time is up." She said scooping the cards into a pile. "Your moms have my number if you ever need to call me and I'll see you next week. Alright?" I nodded and stood up. She led me to the door and walked me back out to the waiting room where moms were sitting there. "Jude are you okay waiting here for a few minutes while I talk to your moms?" I nodded and sat in Stef's vacated seat and stared at the fish tank in the corner. Jesus and Brandon had their appointment with this counselor yesterday, but Mariana didn't have an appointment until tomorrow. I looked at the magazines on the shelf and saw that they all had something to do with having a gay kid or gay parents, I hadn't really thought of moms being gay before. Everything had happened so fast after Callie had gotten out of juvie, I moved in with the Fosters and started at a new school, and then we got adopted.
"Hey buddy, ready to go home?" Stef asked as they walked out of her room. I stood up and followed them back out of the office. I climbed into the back seat of the car and we pulled out of the parking lot and headed home. "So you're going to go back next week, same time. Okay dude? Only because you want to and Momma and I are okay with that. You can stop going any time you want."
"I know." I said nodding. I leaned into the space between the two front seats and looked at both of them. Lena turned and smiled, I smiled back and took a deep breath. "Can I ask you something?"
"Of course." Lena said turning off the radio.
"When did you guys know that you were, you know, gay?" I said quickly.
"Sometime in elementary school." Lena said casually. "I just noticed that other girls in my class liked boys and I liked girls."
"I knew I was gay for a while, but remember how grandpa didn't want to come to the wedding? It was really hard for him to understand what being gay was, so I tried to be someone else to make other people happy and that's why I was married before I met Momma." Stef explained.
"Did you love Mike?" I asked.
"Yes, and I still love Mike, but it's not the same way I love your mom. I love Mike like he is my best friend, my best friend in the whole world and without him we wouldn't have Brandon, but I don't love him the same way I love Lena." This was obviously something Stef explained before, but they actually seemed to enjoy having this conversation with me. "I forgot we didn't really have to two moms talk with you and Callie. You know you can come to us with anything right buddy?"
"Yeah I know. I like Mike, he's really nice." I said sitting back a little.
"I like Mike too." Lena said smiling back at me.
"Hey Jude." Stef started. "I was wondering how you would feel if you went to a different school than Anchor Beach."
"I don't know. I like Anchor Beach and I have friends there, will Brandon, Jesus, Mariana and Callie be there too?"
"Callie may not be ready for school by the time we get you enrolled, but yes we will make sure everyone else is there with you. This is just an idea though, you might still be able to go to Anchor Beach. Especially if you want to."
"I don't mind going back." I said simply. "Mariana won't want to go back though."
"We won't make Mariana go back if she doesn't want to." Lena said turning in her seat a little. "If you do go to a new school they may not be as nice as the kids at Anchor Beach about you having two moms. Will that be something you think you can deal with?"
"Kids used to make fun of me at other schools for being a foster kid, but Callie would always take care of it." I said with a shrug. "I don't mind other kids knowing I have two moms." I said honestly.
"We know buddy." Stef said with a smile. "We just want to make sure you'd be okay with a little more change." Lena reached back and patted my knee before starting off on the tale of how she met Stef and Brandon and after a few dates they both knew it was going to be something serious. It felt good to hear them talk about these happy things, and I think they really needed a reminder of the good things.
"You guys should go on a date tomorrow." I chirped up as the story ended with them moving in together.
"Well Mariana has her appointment and both Momma and I have to be there again, and then we both have to go to work for the rest of the day."
"What about the day after?" I asked.
"I have to work and then I'm going to see Callie. Momma is going to be with you guys for a bit and then she has to work too." Stef replied again. "The day after that we have a meeting with Callie's neurologist and then we'll be back in time for family dinner."
"Well how about instead of family dinner on Friday you go out to dinner with Momma." I said with a shrug. "I don't think Brandon or Jesus will mind, and we can order in so Mariana won't care because then we won't have to eat a casserole. Not that she doesn't like family dinners, I just think she would like to have something else for dinner one day."
"I'd be okay with a date on Friday." Lena said glancing over at mom.
"Alright, a date on Friday." Stef said beaming. "We just might keep you Jude, you're a pretty cool kid."
"I know." We pulled into the drive way and I hopped out of the car and ran into the house. "Hey guys." I shouted through the house. "Jesus."
"What?" His voice called back.
"Moms are going out on Friday and they said we can order in." Jesus whooped all the way down the stairs.
"Please shut up." Mariana screamed from the living room. I jogged into the living room and saw her texting on the couch with the TV on. I sat beside her, and leaned in front of her phone.
"No casserole on Friday." I said with a smile. "Everybody should be happy about no casserole on Friday." Mariana rolled her eyes and tried to turn away, but I leaned in closer, and closer, and closer until I got a shove to the shoulder that confirmed I had fulfilled my brotherly duty.
"You are so annoying." She grumbled standing up and walking into the kitchen. "Hey moms." Jesus reached out and grabbed her phone from her as she walked by and tossed it across the room to me. I quickly shoved it between the couch cushions before Mariana could see me and sat there trying not to smile. "Will you please grow up?" She shouted punching Jesus in the shoulder. Jesus held his arm as if Mariana had actually hurt him and looked towards moms for a reaction.
"Mariana you know how I feel about hitting." Stef said without really looking, Mariana turned to me and I bit down on the inside of my cheek to stop myself from laughing.
"Give me my phone you little snot." She said holding out her hand.
"He doesn't have it I threw it over there in the corner." Jesus said gesturing to the corner of the living room. Mariana ignored him and jumped on me trying to reach into my pocket, she was the same height as me but I weighed more and squirmed around to make this as difficult as possible.
"You are so obnoxious." She shouted, I saw her eyes dart to the side of the couch and shot my hands between the cushion grabbing the phone before she could and scooching to the other side of the couch holding it as far away from her as I could. Mariana tried to pin me down and reach for her phone at the same time, I looked up at her out stretched hand to see how close she was and saw the sleeve of her shirt ride up.
Angry red marks crossed her arm, it suddenly wasn't funny anymore and I saw the color drain from Mariana's face. She snatched her phone from my hand and dashed upstairs. "She's so dramatic." Jesus joked tossing a throw pillow at me and sitting beside me on the couch, he turned on the TV and glanced over at me. "She get a cheap shot on you or something?"
"What?" I asked looking over at him. "Oh no, I just." I wasn't sure what to say, should I tell him? Should I tell moms? Mariana was going to counseling tomorrow after all, the only thing telling people would do is ruin a decent day. And these days a decent day was rare.
Stef-
I drove to work Thursday morning with Mariana's counseling session in mind. She wasn't coping well with the incident, that was obvious, but how could Lena and I help her now? I took a deep breath and held it while I was waiting at a traffic light, Acute Stress Disorder. She didn't want to diagnose her with it yet, but it was the diagnosis that was fitting at the moment. I could only be there to listen and be supportive and aware of the things Mariana was going through right now, there were probably a hundred other kids from Anchor Beach experiencing the same negative reaction as Mariana but it was so odd looking at her and then the other three kids. Brandon, Jesus, and Jude were struggling with the shooting, but Mariana was still terrified and it was killing me that I couldn't help her.
Jesus and Mariana were the only kids that had to go to counseling every week and Jude was going because he wanted to. Brandon had chosen not to continue going and I was dreading my private appointment next week. If the kids all liked this woman I had nothing against her and if I was going to trust her with Mariana's anxiety she could definitely handle mine. I turned into the police station and parked next to Mike's car, another day of paperwork. I knew I wasn't ready to return to the field, but desk duty was killing me.
I walked into the station and sat at my desk, I rolled my neck and grabbed the first folder in my tray. "Hey Stef." Mike said placing a coffee cup on the corner of my desk.
"Hey, I'm cutting back on the coffee these days. I hear it's bad for you." I said looking up over the top of the folder.
"Alright, more for me." He said reaching over and placing the cup on his desk. "How's Callie?"
"Better, not talking yet, but she's better. Thanks for asking. Brandon's counselor said he's okay."
"Of course he is. He's a tough kid." Mike said beaming.
"Being tough has nothing to do with what happened at that school." I said coldly.
"Sorry." Mike said quickly. "You okay?"
"I'm fine. Mariana is struggling. She's getting help I just wish I could do more. Jesus is still grieving over Emma and Jude is always worried about Callie."
"Well getting Mariana help is doing a lot more than what some would do, Jesus needs time, and I can tell you we're all worried about Callie. I get asked about her from the guys all the time. Everyone here is worried about her, they just don't want to harass you." Mike placed his hand on my back and turned to sit in his own desk.
I cranked through five case files, hardly making a dent in the pile on my desk before heading out for the day. I took off my uniform top in the parking lot of the station and jumped back in my car. It was time to see Callie, butterflies fluttered in my stomach and I turned on the radio. I got on the highway and the route to the children's hospital had become second nature. I turned into the parking garage and untucked my undershirt so I was somewhat comfortable in my work pants and boots. I watched the elevator doors close after I stepped inside before I felt a pang of anger in my chest, no. There was no way I was going to let that man ruin this day too, today was a day I got to spend with Callie.
I signed in like I always did and followed the familiar painted footsteps along the ground. I suddenly realized that I was comfortable in this situation, I was used to being in this hospital and visiting my child, the hurt burnt through my chest and I froze outside of Callie's room. I took a deep breath and stepped inside, my heart melted just as it always did, I loved this girl so much.
"Hey Callie." I said brightly when I saw that she was awake, her eyes followed me as I entered the room, I walked over to the side of her bed and kissed the top of her head. "You're looking beautiful like always." I sat in the chair beside her, I held her left hand in mine and squeezed it her fingers slowly tightened around mine and I watched as her eyes would drift away from me slowly and then jerk back to me. I smiled and watched as tears begin to form in her eyes, she blinked and a tear escaped and rolled down her cheek. "It's okay baby, I'm here. I know you're scared but it's okay." I started telling her about my day, the boring day of paper pushing. I told her how well Jude was doing, she would want to know that. I also told her about Brandon doing really well and Jesus doing better, then I told her about how hard Mariana was taking it. "I don't want her to think about this for the rest of her life, and I don't want you to either, but I wonder if you even remember that day?" I asked. Callie just looked at me.
"H, mmm." I stared at Callie, her mouth was open. I must be hearing things, she stared at me, I longed for a facial expression to fill her face so I could understand something.
"Did you just say something?" I asked leaning in closer.
"Hi mom." Callie mumbled, her face remained still and she struggled to focus on me, but she had talked. My hands began to shake and I was crying.
"Hi Callie." I answered dumbstruck. I wasn't sure what to do, she didn't look like she was going to say anything else, I looked around for someone to share this moment with, but it was just us. I couldn't do this alone. I fumbled with my phone in my pocket and squeezed Callie's hand. "Lena, Lena are you there?" I asked when there was a break in the ringing.
"Yes Stef, what's going on?"
"Callie talked, I don't know if I can get her to do it again, but she talked. She can talk Lena." I rambled.
"That's great, it's great. What did she say?" Lena was practically bubbling over.
"Hi mom, she called me mom." My face hurt with how hard I was smiling.
"Oh, put the phone up to her ear. I want to talk to her." I held the phone up to Callie's ear. Callie closed her eyes for a moment and when she opened them it was as if she was looking through me.
"Hi." She whispered again. I kissed the top of her head and pulled the phone back up to my ear.
"Did you hear that? Did you hear her?"
"Yes, I wish I could be there. I need to get back to this meeting, ugh you've got me crying. I'll see you at home okay? We have a meeting with Callie's neurologist tomorrow, so don't stay too late."
"I love you Lena." I said quickly.
"I love you too, tell Callie I love her before you leave."
"Of course, see you at home." I hung up the phone and held Callie's face in my hands. "Baby girl you have no idea how proud I am." Callie seemed gone, she couldn't really see me that was obvious, but none of that was really important to me. Callie had talked, she had called me mom, she was here with us. I wrote down the time and date, I placed the note on her wall, Callie's first words. I sat beside her for an hour, she didn't say anything else, I knew then that we had to cherish every accomplishment Callie would make.
"Hi Stef how are you today?" A nurse asked walking into the room.
"Great." I said stepping out of the way so she could check Callie's vitals and replace her IV fluids. "Callie talked, you just missed it."
"That's great Callie." She congratulated her. "I can't wait to tell everyone, they're going to be so proud of you." She commented. I watched as IVs were changed and her temperature was taken. "You are doing so well, I'll see you in a few hours okay?" She waved at me as she walked out of the room and I took my seat beside Callie again. I knew she was going to fall asleep within the next fifteen minutes, so I figured I would wait so she wouldn't have to be alone. I picked up a book from the stack Lena had brought from home and opened it up to the place Lena had obviously left off, it was Jude's copy of 'A Wrinkle in Time' from school. I started reading to Callie and she seemed to relax and look up at the ceiling and just listen. I watched over the top of the book as she fell back asleep, I just sat there and watched her for a few minutes. I should head home soon, but leaving her was the very last thing I wanted to do right now.
After watching Callie sleep for ten minutes I had talked myself into visiting Kelsey, she had surgery earlier this week and was probably finally feeling up to having visitors. As I stood up to leave Callie's back arched up off the bed and the machine beside her bed chirped a warning before she began shaking uncontrollably. It was almost second nature by now, I jammed my finger into the nurse button even though they were already on their way. I removed the pillow from under Callie's head and tried to stay calm as I watched her muscles spasm. It hurt to watch her struggle, her jaw was clenched tight and her left hand balled up the sheets on her bed. "It's okay Cal, I'm right here." She probably couldn't hear me, but if she could she had to be terrified.
Someone burst through the door with two interns following close behind. "Please step out of the way Mrs. Foster." She said quickly running up to Callie's bedside. She pulled a prefilled syringe out of the locked drawer in Callie's room and injected it into her IV. Callie's convulsions slowed before stopping completely. "C'mon Callie, breathe." She whispered to herself and I moved around to the other side of Callie's bed so I could be closer.
Her lips were a familiar shocking shade of blue. Callie's chest rattled with shallow breaths for a few seconds before she relaxed entirely and inhaled a lungful of oxygen. "You're alright." I told her reaching out for her hand. "I'm still here, it's okay."
"Grand mal seizure at three fifteen p.m." The nurse said looking at one of the interns as they wrote it down on her chart. "Are you alright Mrs. Foster? We can get you some water."
"No I'm fine." I said softly, a great day dampened by another single event. "Is someone going to stay and observe her? I have to get back home, I know that sounds terrible, but I have to get home."
"No one can stay here all the time." The nurse consoled me. "It's okay, she'll probably sleep until tomorrow. I'm going to observe her for the next hour just to make sure she's okay."
"Alright." I nodded and grabbed my things from her bedside table. I leaned over Callie and kissed her forehead. "Momma and I will be back tomorrow, sorry I have to go baby." I squeezed her hand and thanked the nurse before walking out of the hospital and back to my car. I tried to focus on her voice, I had heard Callie's voice, she had talked to me and called me 'mom'. She knew who I was and remembered me. The further away from the hospital I got the better I felt about her seizure. Lena and I had talked about this, Callie was going to have seizures for the rest of her life and we all had to figure out how to regroup after them.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket when I was about half way home and called Lena. "Hey I just put some chicken on the grill, please tell me you're on your way home."
"Yes I'm on my way home." I assured her. "Chicken on the grill? Our date is tomorrow, what's the occasion?"
"Well I figured Callie deserved some celebration, and I can't blame Mariana for being tired of casserole. To be honest I hate them too." Lena chuckled. I didn't answer, I was trying not to imagine Callie struggling in her bed. "Unless you love casserole, I think we have a few left I can put one in the oven for you." Lena said slowly.
"No chicken is great, sorry. I just. Callie had a seizure right before I left and it feels like she takes two steps forward and three steps back." I expressed.
"Oh, poor baby." Lena whispered. "She was okay?"
"Of course, I wouldn't have come home if she wasn't. It's just hard to see her like that." "I know Stef." Lena agreed. "Come home and we can talk about it okay? Drive safe." I said goodbye and hung up. I drove the last fifteen minutes home in silence and tried to think of those two words. 'Hi, mom.' Callie was in there, she was in there and I needed to help her get out.
You guys are the absolute best! PLEASE review, it really helps me focus on what you guys want to read and what you want to know.
Thanks for reading
-Kodi
