Chapter 7

Edward tossed his keys on the island of the Cullens' kitchen and hung his coat in the hall closet.

"Hey Jazz," he called as he walked into the living room, "where are you? I saw the car and wanted to ask how your day-" Bella came around the corner and cut him off with a quick kiss. He wrapped his arms around her and smiled before kissing her again, a little less reserved than she had. "That's a nice way to come home. Where's Jasper? I wanted to see how his classes are." He studied Bella's expression, which was one of uncertainty and a hint of fear. "What?"

"I would just be… careful… when you talk to him." He pushed her away and took her hand as he walked up the stairs to find his brother.

"Why do you say that, Bella?" Before he could get his words completely out of his mouth, he heard a deep growl from upstairs. "What was that?"

She sighed. "That? That was Jasper."

Emmett appeared at the top of the stairs, looking very perturbed. Edward listened in to see what the fuss was about. I was just asking what was up with him. The twirp… He curtly acknowledged Edward and Bella as he went past them and out the front door. Edward continued up the stairs and turned around to find out why she took her hand out of his and refused to come with him.

"Are you serious? You're scared of Jasper?"

She shrugged. "I'm not going up there. He's pissed, Edward."

He rolled his eyes and laughed to himself and walked up the stairs, pausing at Jasper's door. Before entering, he listened to his thoughts.

If that's Edward at the door, come in. Anybody else – go the hell away. I'll talk to you later.

Edward's smile quickly dropped. Jasper was pissed. He prepared himself and opened the door.

"Jasper? What's going on?"

"Meet me in the forest. I need to talk to you." Before Edward could respond, his brother was gone.

What on earth… he mumbled mentally as he followed suit.

Edward's pursuit ended at the top of one of the redwoods overlooking a valley, where he found the once-soldier gazing out vacantly over the serene scenery.

"Jasper, what happened?"

"I can't go to SFU."

"Why?"

Jasper looked down, fearing saying it out loud would make reliving the pain of the thirst all that much worse. He replayed it in his mind – the scent hitting his nostrils with brute force, the innocence and authenticity of the girl he found himself inches away from, the waning of his self-control as the class dragged on.

Edward's hand touched his own throat absent-mindedly as he relived Jasper's struggle with him. "Oh… wow."

"When you first experienced Bella's scent…"

"I wanted to kill her. I plotted out how long it would take to eliminate the twenty witnesses around me before she ran."

He looked Edward in the eye. "I can't go back, Edward. This is a bad idea."

"This is really something you should discuss with Carlisle, Jazz."

"No. He'll tell me to push through it. I can't do that, Edward. It's hard enough to push through… everything else." He looked back out over the valley, and emptiness seemed to fill his expression again. Edward tried to tune out the pain in Jasper's head – it was hard enough to tune out his own grief all the time.

"Would that be such a bad thing?" Jasper shot him a disdainful glare. "I'm just saying, maybe this is just the thing to get your mind elsewhere. Think of the progress this would mean for you in coexisting with humans."

Jasper shook his head and laughed hopelessly. "And if I kill her?"

It was Edward's turn to divert his gaze to the vast landscape. "You should really talk to Carlisle."

"Edward, I'm talking to you. I'm talking to you because you went through this exact situation. You left for almost a week after that day you met Bella… What made you come back?"

Edward sighed as he recalled the trip. It had been a difficult decision to return to Forks – and a selfish one, at that. He remembered every detail of this thought process during that week he had run north, toying with the thought of permanent disappearance. In the end, there had been two reasons why he had returned. First, Bella was an enigma like he had never experienced before, one that he was drawn to. Second, he needed to know that he was strong enough to face the temptation head on – after so many years living the 'vegetarian' lifestyle, he liked to think he had more willpower. What would Carlisle had thought of him?

"Edward?"

He snapped out of his reminiscence. "Sorry. I kind of got lost in thought for a minute, there."

Jasper smiled wryly. "Yours or mine?" Edward smiled to himself, understanding Jasper's inner battle going on, and empathizing with him to an excruciating degree.

"I came back because I was selfish. I wanted her, despite my wanting her. Do you want her? Or do you just… want her?"

"You know that I can't read your thoughts, right?"

"You know what I'm asking you."

"I want Alice."

"Jasper-"

"No, Edward. This isn't fair. I can't deal with this on top of trying to motivate myself to stay…" Alive, Edward heard him mutter mentally, "…here, with all of you." He knew Edward had heard it, and that no matter how hard Jasper might try, his brother would know how much he wanted to stop existing. What was the point?

"Jasper, just tell me – can you stay away from her?"

He hesitated longer than he had planned to in response to the question he knew Edward would ask. There had been something about the girl's innocent smile that had caught his attention, something that he had never seen in any other human girl before. Or, was it that he had never been looking for it, having found the love of his life – and afterlife – already? Whatever it was, when he thought about her smile he burned with desire – not to taste the blood running through her veins, though that was ever present, but to find out why she held that particular trait, to find out what kind of person would lie behind such a genuine demeanor. He remembered feeling her nerves in the air when she had looked him in the eye. He remembered the sound of her heart beating faster than it should be. He remembered that it had made him forget about his loss for a brief second, though it had been quickly replaced with the thirst.

He looked up at Edward, who he knew had heard everything and felt everything that was going through his mind. I don't know.

"Hm." He looked back out to the valley as he thought. "Well, it would seem you're in a bit of a predicament, then. Honestly? I think you should try and stick it out for a few days. If it's overwhelming, then drop out. Try a different distraction. If not, then you'll do well for yourself to make it through a semester there, at least."

"What if that feeling is overwhelming? Should I condemn her to being the unfortunate object of a monster's affection?"

Edward smiled to himself and looked back at Jasper. "I was talking about her scent."

"Right. That, too." He noticed Edward's wry smile. "Edward, this isn't a good thing. Stop that." Edward hid his smile, but Jasper could feel his elation in the air around him. Edward thought this girl meant a chance at happiness again for his brother. Surely it wasn't worth it anymore… Though – what was it Carlisle had said?

Even if the joy is gone forever, happiness is worth it.

Jasper shifted in his place on the branch, irritated. Why was it that everyone seemed to have a grasp on this concept but him?