I didn't think I'd be thinking this clearly so soon, in fact I didn't think I'd ever have a clear head again.

I thought I'd be stuck in that foggy state of confusion, always questioning how and why I was feeling. I spent so long pushing any emotion away that when I had the chance to feel it again I went a little crazy.

Processing my emotions in order of their usefulness was a large reason I survived what I did, the people I was surrounded by could see pain and vulnerability a mile away and use it to their advantage.

This morning when Paige spoke of my parents I was hit with the memory of what it was like to be loved so much and how much I missed them, it was then I realised the difference between the people I use to be with and the people I was surround by now. People who care for me and missed me just as much as I had them. I felt selfish and stupid. Hannah, Aria and god, Spencer, we were each other's life and I've been acting like I didn't want to have anything to do with them.

I made a concious decision that I wasn't going to let my old life define who I was, if I feel something I wasn't expecting I'm not going to dissect it, I'm just going to let it happen.

I think that's how I use to be but I barely remember. Some things are coming back to me, like I've had them stored away, like somehow I knew I'd need it all back. I guess a little part of me always had hope.

I was definitely reminded what it was like to be attracted to someone this morning, when Paige was addressing the crew, in her Captain's uniform. I watched on the little screen in my room, she was confident and strong but it was the flickers of emotion I saw that reminded me how expressive she was. I'm not sure where our friendship would have gone if I'd not been taken, I was always so sure she liked me, that's one thing I tried to hold onto all these years. Now though, when she is around me I notice she's holding back and I'm wondering if it's because things have changed. She's never spoken about anyone else but I've never really asked, for all I know she could be married!

And here I am again, trying to figure out my thoughts.

And now there's an alarm sounding in my room...