Chapter 7

State of His Heart

July 17th (continued)

As Hermione reached Sara's apartment, she knocked on the door and bit her lip as she waited for the girl to answer.

Her conversation with Draco was swirling through her mind unremittingly. She had felt a strange sort of connection to him, and the feeling it invoked was indescribable. She didn't even possess the desire to try and discern it.

"Hey!" Sara greeted with a wide grin, ushering Hermione inside.

Hermione smiled and muttered an apology for being late.

Sara waved it off and then motioned towards the living area, where Natalie was already seated on the sofa, an array of books covering the coffee table in front of her.

Hermione slowly took a seat next to the Eurasian and looking down at the table, inhaled as she saw the hundreds of pictures splattered about the space.

"So what are you guys up to, exactly?"

Sara shrugged, "reminiscing over our High school days."

Hermione shook her head, "wow, you guys have accumulated a lot of photographs."

Natalie grinned, "Yeah, I took a photography class. It's something I've always been interested in. I'd like to make it my profession someday."

Hermione smiled as she briefly envisioned Colin Creevy with his camera before inwardly chiding herself. The peculiar little boy was nothing like beautiful, fashionable Natalie. It was strange how different people could be, despite sharing the same interests.

'Like Draco and I' she thought.

As Sara and Natalie began to pour over the various albums and divulge into several accompanying tales, Hermione swallowed uncomfortably.

For the first time in all her years with Hogwarts, she realized what she had missed out on.

The two girls beside her had enjoyed a thorough and fulfilling High school experience. They had gone to prom, developed several crushes, attended rugby games, gone to parties and sat through mundane yet enjoyable classes with classmates that laughed along with them every day.

They had never been in near-death situations or carried fear in their hearts for the better part of six years.

They had never been ridiculed for their blood, or demeaned for their intelligence.

"This guy right here was so adorable!" Natalie squealed pointing to a picture of a blond-haired, blue-eyed catch.

Sara nodded in agreement, "yes, I remember him; Neal Sanders. He really was something."

Hermione tilted her head as she observed the subject of their attention. He was nice enough looking yet, with a start she noticed that he seemed to lack what almost all of the guys she knew possessed.

Maturity, as was developed from wisdom beyond their years. Almost everyone at Hogwarts had either seen or heard of things that were truly horrific. So horrific, in fact, that they would be inconceivable to a great percentage of the teenage population in the Muggle world.

Was it better to have maturity or ignorance? Hermione had never pondered such a question before and, upon being presented with it, she had no idea as to the appropriate answer.

"So, are there any boys at your school that you're interested in?"

Hermione blinked as she realized they were addressing her and, surfacing from her reverie, she simply furrowed her brows.

"Oh, uhm, yeah, I guess."

"Ooooh!" Sara clapped, "do tell!"

Hermione shifted slightly in her seat, as she felt her face redden.

"His name's Ron, one of my best friends." She bit her lip, "he's got red hair and blue eyes and a deep, soothing voice."

Natalie and Sara wore matching grins.

"Sounds dreamy," Natalie offered.

Sara nodded, "you seem to really like this guy. Are you two dating?"

For some reason Hermione felt extremely uncomfortable describing her feelings for Ron with the two girls. It was as if she were revealing something too secret to be shared in such a thoughtless way.

"No," she replied with a sigh, "we're not."

"Why?"

They both appeared immensely confused and Hermione found she had to glance away as she explained her situation.

"Well, I care a lot about him and, I don't know if I want to take the risk of sacrificing our friendship."

Sara placed a hand over hers, "I know exactly what you mean but, love means taking risks and not allowing those types of fears to mar what could be your perfect once-in-a-lifetime relationship."

Hermione bit her lip before shrugging and feigning nonchalance. "Yeah, I suppose you're right; I'm just being silly about the whole thing."

Sara appeared satisfied and then turned her attention to Natalie as they continued relaying stories with one another.

They giggled as they gushed over one guy after another, their giddiness infecting Hermione like a plague.

The situation with Ron was far too intricate for her to describe to them. Did it have to be though? How much did she actually like him? What was the actual, root of the situation?

She had not the slightest idea; all she knew was that she had been harboring feelings toward her friend for a couple of years, and those feelings were beginning to become a nuisance.

As Natalie began to describe what her first kiss had been like, Hermione's interest intensified.

She smiled happily as she told them all of the feelings she had felt. She detailed all of the sensations and wondrous warmth that had coursed through her.

It had been on her porch swing; she had been fourteen and he had lived a few houses down the street from her. It was during the summer and he had snuck out to see her.

They talked for several hours before he began to look nervous, and she noticed that he seemed to be pondering over how best to do or say something.

Butterflies began to flutter faster within her stomach as he caught her eye several times, with a look that was both penetrating and slightly mischievous.

It took him several minutes to finally muster the courage to place a hand on against her cheek and begin to move towards her.

Natalie's blush deepened as she depicted the actual kiss.

His lips met hers gently, unhurried and chaste. They were soft and warm, and her heart was pounding in pace with her breathing.

They sat kissing for countless moments before he finally pulled away and stated that he had to get back home.

Natalie shook her head. "I couldn't stop smiling for days and I was constantly replaying that moment within my mind."

Sara squealed in delight before pouring into her own first-kiss story. However, it was far less captivating than Natalie's had been and, as she was discussing it, Hermione let her mind wander.

Her first kiss had been with a boy in elementary school, before Hogwarts. However, the memory was slightly painful, as he had only kissed her as a dare.

His name was Billy McAvins, her first crush.

He was an only child, spoiled and full of himself. However, Hermione had been too young to care or to notice that he would everyday laugh at her along with his friends.

If she had possessed even the slightest bit of common sense, she would have steered clear of him, not allowing herself to become taken with such a person.

However, she everyday watched him in the playground, imagining herself a princess and he her prince charming. She used to write his name in her notebook and smile to herself every time his face entered her mind.

One day, as she was sitting on a swing, he came and sat next to her, a devilish smirk on his features. However, she didn't notice the impish look in his eyes, only saw the smile, and imagined it meant something it did not.

He uttered her name silkily before stating that he would like to give her something.

Hermione had been delighted beyond words, stupidly grinning and allowing the stars in her eyes to hide the unkindness about to ensue.

He leaned forward quickly and planted a firm and rigid kiss on her lips.

Hermione's heart fluttered as it never had before and she just stared at him for several seconds, her grin stuck in a wide and unabashed smile.

However, Billy suddenly started laughing and he was joined by the friends that had been standing nearby.

Hermione's face morphed into one of confusion before he dispelled all of her perplexity.

"Wow Billy, I didn't think you'd actually have the guts to do that!" one of the pretty blonde girls stated in a shrill, nasally voice.

One of the boys patted him on the shoulder, laughing uncontrollably. "Ugh, I definitely wouldn't have kissed that in a million years!"

Tears began to prick Hermione's eyes as she looked to Billy for an explanation, though her stomach was already plummeting with the realization of what had actually taken place.

Billy stood and continued to laugh, "You owe me twenty bucks, Charlie!"

"Wh-what are you talking about?" Hermione whimpered.

Billy giggled as he looked down at her, "kissing you was even worse than I imagined. I wouldn't have done it but, you know me, I never back down from a dare!"

They all wore exaggerated expressions of disgust and Billy suddenly leaned forward and pushed her off the swing, sending her falling backwards into the dirt.

"Stay down there!" he directed cruelly.

Tears relentlessly spilled down her cheeks, turning the dirt that was plastered on her face to mud.

One of her friends had been standing nearby and, upon spotting the sobbing girl, rushed over and shoved Billy with all her might.

"You leave Hermione alone!"

They continued to laugh as they made several jests about the crying girl on the ground.

Hermione's tears slowly began to ebb and, as she gazed down at her hands, covered by the moist earth, she felt a foreign feeling beginning to materialize within her.

Determination, such as she had never known, began to form a wall around the hurt that had been inflicted upon her. She picked herself off of the ground and then placed a hand on her friends shoulder to calm her before approaching Billy with a glare.

Billy was still chuckling and throwing insults as Hermione stared fixedly into his eyes.

Then, without preamble, Hermione reached out and struck him across the face as hard as she could.

The surprise overpowered all of his previous amusement, and as he gazed at her with widened eyes she smiled sardonically.

"Don't you ever dare touch me again, Billy McAvins."

Billy swallowed and then slowly turned and walked away, his friends following with puzzled looks on their faces.

Since that day, Hermione strove to steel herself against people like Billy McAvins. She formed a defense around her heart, and promised herself that she would never again be blinded by anyone in such a way.

The experience had made her stronger and, instead of focusing on boys as her friends did, she placed all of her energy into her academics.

Hermione smiled to herself at the memory, and she briefly allowed herself to ponder what had actually become of Billy McAvins.

"So, Hermione, what was your first kiss like?"

Hermione had been expecting the question and so she had a suitable answer ready.

"My first kiss was with a guy named Viktor. He was a foreign exchange student, per say."

Hermione grinned, "I was fourteen and he was three years older. Many girls fawned over him but I was the one who captured his interest. He used to meet me in the library almost every afternoon and we would discuss various subjects. On one such afternoon, when no one else was around, he suddenly took my hand and then bent his head and placed a kiss on my lips. It was a slow, short kiss, but it was sweet and entirely memorable."

"Aww," Natalie stated smiling, "that's so cute. What happened to him?"

Hermione shrugged, "we dated for a little while but, he was older than me and so he moved on with his life and I began to develop feelings for Ron."

They were quiet for several moments before the doorbell suddenly rang and Sara jumped up from the couch in excitement. "That's the Chinese!"

Natalie clapped her hands, "Yay! I'm starved."

The rest of the afternoon passed uneventfully and as the sky began to darken, Hermione rose and stated that she was going to head home.

"Thank you for coming over, it was fun!" Sara stated as Hermione walked out the door.

Hermione smiled and nodded, "yeah, I'll see you guys later."

Natalie waved as Hermione turned and disappeared around a corner.

Hermione had not thought of Billy McAvins for several years and she found that the memory had triggered a strange realization.

He had been the embodiment of cruelty, but the experience had matured her in ways that she was eternally grateful for. She was actually indebted to him in a way.

Along with this understanding came another insight.

Draco Malfoy entered her mind, and her first thought was over how apparently similar he and Billy were.

However, unlike Billy, Malfoy too possessed the maturity that the majority of Hogwarts students had.

Draco had insulted her but he had never humiliated her. In his eyes, even as a child, one could see that he had experienced things that Billy would never have dreamed.

There was depth to him, Hermione realized and, as she again recalled their conversation in the park, she felt that strange feeling return to her being.

Draco held no personal inhibitions against her, merely a false and warped sense of superiority. His actual battle was with Harry, who, for some reason, had invoked a deep grudge within the Malfoy boy.

For the greater part of their years at Hogwarts, Malfoy hardly ever spoke to her.

They had pursued their own paths, hardly taking any notice of one another.

She had never before pondered over this thought but, upon doing so, she came to the conclusion that Billy and Draco were as different as two people could possibly be.

Where Billy and his friends had gone out of their way to hurt her, Draco had never done so. He insulted her but she almost always initiated their spats.

Draco was still a spiteful, infuriating little bastard, but he also had a more striking depth of person.

Billy may have matured over the years, but comparing the two, at the time when she had first laid eyes on Draco, was like comparing night and day.

Billy was an ignorant, spoiled little brat, who enjoyed hurting others. He had tricked and lured her into a false sense of euphoria.

Draco was a pompous yet educated child who had already begun his path within the shadow of a menacing evil. He did not delight in hurting people, simply reveled in being seen as a superior being. He retaliated when scorned and, though he was also spoiled, he had a determination that mirrored her own. He did not falsely present himself, but was entirely blatant and truthful in everything he said and did; Even if his truth was warped.

The main difference was the level of complexity between the two. Draco was an enigma. Almost everything he did surprised her of late.

The stars had already begun to shine through the veil of darkness and, spotting Draco's constellation she marveled at its wonder.

She tried to make sense of all the thoughts bouncing around in her mind but she found all of her efforts proved useless.

Mostly she was trying to figure out why Draco was being so civil towards her.

'No', she thought, that wasn't even it. What she was actually trying to discern was what to do with the civility he offered.

She could just go along with it, and try to form a delicate acquaintance with him. Still, the thought unnerved her a bit. It was foreign and unprecedented. However, what could be the harm in it? Unless the Malfoy's were planning a major deceit against the Muggles, which she was beginning to doubt, there was no reason why she shouldn't give Draco a chance to be decent.

Harry and Ron wouldn't much like the idea but, it wasn't like she was actually trying to build a friendship with him. She merely wanted to form an association.

After all, after the summer, everything would change. And she had made up her mind to try her hand at new experiences.

Walking into her bedroom, she flicked on the lamp and sat at her desk, staring down at an empty piece of parchment. She bit her lip as she debated whether or not to write Harry.

However, after a lengthy session of pondering, she decided against it and stood. There was no point in aggravating her friend considering that, after the summer, they would probably never see Malfoy again.

Hermione reached for Crookshanks and scooped him into her arms, smiling as the warmth from his body radiated through her.

Draco's constellation again caught her eye through the window and Hermione stood gazing at it for countless moments, holding Crookshanks close and thinking over all that had transpired over the past week.

She couldn't suppress the image of Draco's broken face at the mention of Dumbledore's name. That alone was enough to redeem him in her mind. Despite all he had done over the years, the obvious guilt he portrayed was proof of the state of his heart. He was not evil, deceitful or even malicious.

His faults were a result of his rich, callous, and prejudiced upbringing. However, those traits were not damnable.

Hermione bit her lip and looked to her nightstand where there stood a plaque embedded with the Gryffindor crest.

Why had she been placed in that house?

She thought over what Draco had said to her on the subject, and of how he admitted to admiring her for her ambition.

Hermione had never expected to hear such a revelation from him, but, once again, Draco proved his reputation of being always blatant with his thoughts.

It was something that actually felt refreshing. Amidst all the secrets and turmoil Harry held and all the confusion that was Ronald, Draco did not withhold anything.

Suddenly becoming angry with her turn of thoughts, Hermione turned from the window and sat on her bed. She shouldn't compare her two best friends to Draco. They meant more to her than life itself, and that was something that would never change.

"What do you think, Crookshanks?" she whispered to the feline in her lap. "Do you think he's worth an affiliation?"

Crookshanks simply purred and cuddled closer to her, brining a smile to Hermione's face.

She sighed and shook her head, "We'll just see what happens."