A/N: Yay for two chapters in one day? : )
Kili had only taken a few spoonfuls of the soup, when a thought occurred to him.
"Fili?"
"Hm?" Fili muttered around a mouthful of soup.
"Do they even have owls in the Shire?"
Fili stared at him for a minute, before setting his dish down on the log. "I'll get the others," He said with a sigh, darting off back through the trees.
"Suppose that means I have to rescue the burglar then."
"A burglahobbit?"
Kili groaned silently as he peered through the dense foliage, seeing Bilbo standing in between two trolls
"Can we cook it?"
"We can try!"
Where was Fili with the others, he thought desperately, watching Bilbo try and squirm his way underneath the trolls, only to be stopped by a third troll, shoving the Halfling back with a very large frying pan.
"He wouldn't make more than a mouth full; not after he's been skinned and boned."
"Are there more burglahobbits 'round these parts? Might be enough for a pie!"
"Grab it!"
For a moment, Kili thought Bilbo might actually be able to slip away, as he darted too and fro around the fire, before making a dash towards the ponies. That was when one of the trolls grabbed him by the feet, hanging him over their pot.
"Gotcha! Are there any more of you hiding where you shouldn't?"
"No," Bilbo said, glancing around, and Kili cursed whatever was taking Fili so long.
"He's lying!"
"No, I'm not!"
"Hold his toes over the fire! Make him squeal!"
Well, there was nothing for it, Kili decided, jumping into the clearing, and slicing at one of the troll's legs. Couldn't let the dumb buggers torture the little fellow waiting.
"Drop him!" He yelled, hoping the others were close by as he found himself suddenly staring up at three very large, very angry trolls, thinking that this definitely hadn't been one of his brighter ideas. Where in Durin's name was Fili with Thorin and the others?
"Do what?"
"I said... Drop him!" He repeated, grasping his sword with both hands, wondering if there was any way he was going to walk away from this confounded mess.
There was no time to duck, as the troll suddenly threw Bilbo at him. Even as light as the hobbit was, Kili felt the air rushing from his lungs as they both hit the root-covered floor with a painful thud.
He was cursing his rotten luck, trying to shove Boggins off of him before the trolls had them both, when he heard the trees rustling behind him.
Thinking quickly, he pulled Bilbo close to him, pinning him down as Thorin leaped over them with a fierce cry, followed by Dwalin and Gloin, the others coming out behind them.
As soon as he was sure he wasn't about to be crushed by a leaping dwarf, Kili threw Bilbo off, before jumping up, and into the fray. Almost unconsciously, he found himself moving towards Fili.
"Took you long enough!" He yelled, jamming his sword down on a troll's foot.
Fili only glared at him, before ducking as a large fist swung towards the both of them.
Thorin spared the briefest glance around as he fought off one of the trolls who'd decided to go after Ori, trying to spot his nephews in the chaos. Fili was hacking and slashing next to Bofur, while Kili...
He bit back a groan as he watched his youngest nephew slide underneath one of the large brutes, coming up and slicing at the hand that was grabbing for him, backing far enough away to be out of the range of Gloin's large ax. At least the boy knew enough to let the dwarves with the heavier weapons deal the most damage, he thought briefly.
Then he had to devote his full attention to the troll in front of him.
Kili dashed to Ori's side as the weakest member of their company was thrown across the clearing, before he felt his uncle's hand on his arm. He jumped a little despite himself, the battle rage still coursing through his veins, before he realized everything had gone quiet. He was startled to find his arms shaking with adrenaline, as he followed Thorin's gaze, wondering why everything had stopped.
Oh no.
He growled low in his throat, grasping his sword with both hands again as he seen two of the trolls holding an arm and a leg each of the Halfling.
"Bilbo!" He cried, before one of Thorin's thick arms shoved him back.
"Put down your arms! Or we'll rip his off!" The tallest of the three trolls said with a sick smile.
"Another fine mess you lads have gotten us into," Gloin growled.
"Oh shut it! It's hard enough to breath with you sitting on me, without you bouncing your fat stomach about," Kili shot back, struggling to free his hands.
"Oh is it?" The red-haired dwarf said maliciously, digging his elbow into Kili's ribcage. "How terribly inconvenient for you, you beardless oaf!"
"You leave him alone! When I get out of here, I'm going to cut that mangy fur right off your face, you red-haired son of an orc!" Fili snapped, from somewhere to Kili's left.
"Quiet! All of you!" Thorin hissed. "This isn't helping!"
"Let's get a move on! Dawn ain't that far off, and I don't fancy being turned to stone!"
Suddenly, Kili felt something digging into his arm, and he turned his head enough to see the Halfling maneuvering himself around.
"Wait!" Bilbo cried, shoving himself to his feet. "You are making a terrible mistake!"
"You can't reason with them! They're halfwits!" Nori cried from up on the spit.
"Halfwit? What's that make us, then?"
"I meant with uh... With the seasoning!" Bilbo said, clearly ignoring the others as he hopped closer to the fire.
"What... about... the seasoning?" One of the trolls growled.
"Well, have you smelled them? You're going to need something a lot stronger than sage before you crate this lot up!"
"You traitor!" Kili ground out, hearing the other dwarves yell similar curses towards the damnable hobbit. The little coward was going to try and sell them out to save his own skin! After they'd thrown down their weapons to save his measly little hide!
"And what do you know about cooking dwarf?"
"Shut up! Let the uh... furlaburlgahobbit talk!"
"The secret to, uh, cooking dwarf is..."
"Yes?"
"Is um..."
"C'mon! Tell us the secret!"
"I'm telling you! The secret to cooking dwarf is to... to skin them first!"
Thorin alone was silent as a chorus of angry calls came from his company, yelling various insults and curses at the Halfling. He knew the little rat was trying to buy them time – a good idea, though he hated to admit that he hadn't thought of it first – but skinning? Was the bugger mad?
"What a load of rubbish!" One of the trolls was saying. "Won't be nothin' left to 'em once they're skinned!"
"He's right! Nothin' wrong with a bit of raw dwarf! Nice and crunchy!" The smallest one said, grabbing Gloin, and lowering the ginger haired dwarf to his mouth.
"No, no, no, no!" Bilbo all but squeaked. "Not that one! He's... he's... He's infected!"
"Say what?"
"He's got worms! In his... tubes? In fact... They all have! They're infested with parasites! It's a terrible business, I wouldn't risk it, I really wouldn't."
"Parasites? Did he say parasites?" Oin shouted, having lost his ear trumpet somewhere in the fracas.
"What?! We don't have parasites! You have parasites!" Kili yelled, still struggling to try and get out from underneath Gloin, who'd been dropped on him.
Oh for the love of The Maker... Thorin lashed out as hard as he could with his left foot, hearing a satisfying grunt of pain from his darker-haired nephew, who turned his head towards him with a questioning look, along with the others laying around him.
Finally, Oin seemed to grasp what the Halfling was doing, of all people.
"I've got parasites as big as my arm!" The gray-haired dwarf said loudly.
"Mine are the biggest parasites; I've got huge parasites!" Kili added.
The deaf one and the youngest one would figure it out first, Thorin thought grimly, as the entire company slowly caught on, and started shouting out about who had the biggest parasites, and who'd had them the longest.
"What would you have us do then? Let them all go?" The largest of the trolls growled, stooping down close to Bilbo's face.
"Well..."
"You think I don't know what you're up to?" The troll barked, poking Bilbo with one of his fat fingers. "This little ferret is takin' us for fools!"
"The dawn will take you all!"
Thorin had never been so glad to see the gray-haired wizard in his entire life.
He wasn't sure he could handle much more stupidity in one night.
