Author's Note: Given my track record, you guys are lucky that I'm getting this out so quick opposed to my year-long hiatus. This chapter will pick up where it left off, same day but about ten minutes later. This one is a little over 4,500 words so enjoy! Please feel free to leave a review/favorite/follow :)
Chapter 7: Drown in You
Clarke POV:
Soon enough, we found Lincoln among the endless crowds of parents, siblings, family, and loved ones alike. Thankfully, he was able to save us seats relatively close enough to the graduates and stage, although I'm sure he had to fight off a few angry parents to keep those seats to himself.
Thankfully, Lincoln noticed the tension between Bellamy and I the moment we sat down, and he offered to sit between us. His excuse: "Oh, I just wanna discuss the barbeque with Bellamy for later." I sent him an apologetic look, but he only gave a slight smile my way. Bless his soul.
As the graduates began filing into the large pavilion, I had the camera on my phone ready to go and vigorously searched the crowd for Octavia.
"There!" Bellamy shouted and pointed to the crowd. All I could see were the endless caps and matching gowns that nearly made my head spin. "OCTAVIA!" Bellamy yelled so loud that it would put most parents to shame.
Finally, her head popped up and searched for her brother. Together, Lincoln, Bellamy, and I all waved her down and she gave a bright smile to us all. I snapped a photo. She sent an air kiss Lincoln's way. I snapped a photo. She sent a loving smile Bellamy's way that was different from the excited one she gave merely seconds earlier. I snapped a photo.
With that, I happily put down my camera and waited for the ceremony to continue.
Sitting in the crowd and not in the ceremony itself was such a familiar, yet differing experience. I didn't feel the same anticipation as I did before, so that was nice. Nonetheless, I was still so happy for the occasion – for the girl who was like a sister to me. I looked to my two friends beside me and wondered if they had similar thoughts. Lincoln looked onward with an almost brightening smile. It really looked as if he was going to split his cheeks in half. Looking over to Bellamy, a smile to match Lincoln's was plastered on his face; but he turned to look my direction, that damned smile remaining, although his eyes softened. I tried to give him something similar but wondered if it appeared more a grimace.
Throughout the ceremony, my eyes darted between Octavia's head and the dean as he made his eloquent speech. …It felt like hours and hours of waiting before it came time to announcing the graduates and their differing programs.
It was at least another hour before Octavia's graduating group was up, and I once again got my camera going. This time, I had set the camera to record as I panned back and forth to Octavia standing up and walking to the side of the stage to the dean giving his speech regarding this program. "To continue, these students have spent year after year after year enrolled in our Curriculum and Instruction educational program. They have dedicated their futures to reimagining the teaching and learning experience in differing fields of teaching. These first students that are making an appearance today will also be rewarded with the President's Honor chords and a medallion to commemorate their success with their programs. Congratulations students! When your name is called, please come up to the stage and accept both your degree and medallion."
I panned the camera to Lincoln and Bellamy's faces. Lincoln must have known what was going on because he gave the camera a quick smile before leaning back in his chair, so that I could fully pan to Bellamy's features. What I saw was a look of wonder and happiness for his sister.
"Octavia Blake," the dean stated as the crowd erupted into minimal applause, all the while we cheered and stood up as if the occasion were a Metallica concert. I merely cheered for Octavia while holding the camera, but Bellamy and Lincoln were both clapping and cupping their hands to make their shouts louder and louder. Octavia was given the medallion and honor chords first, and she took the degree from the dean with one hand, shaking his other hand.
"GO OCTAVIA!" Lincoln and Bellamy were basically shouting in unison by now. When she was about to exit the stage, she looked our way and held the degree up with both hands in a triumphant manner as both boys began coming down from their momentary high.
The dean continued to read names off from his list of graduates as I panned my camera off to Lincoln and Bellamy. Bellamy didn't even look at the camera, but instead was still looking at Octavia's moving form, going to sit back down. "That's my sister," he said with astonishment right before I turned off the camera.
I watched several emotions travel across his features. Contentment, elation, realization, sadness. After the Blakes' mother passed away, it was up to Bellamy to take care of Octavia for the better part of her teen years and his early adulthood. Both siblings had to try extra hard to earn a living, all the while barely making the small ends they had meet. Their finances were in a far more comfortable area now, but I will never forget the times that Bellamy would text me during class asking if I could invite Octavia over to dinner because they didn't have any ingredients to make a wholesome meal. I always extended the invitation to Bellamy, no matter the animosity between us, but he never accepted willingly, Octavia always having to beg him to come with.
But now, Octavia was grown up. Well, she had been grown up for a while now, much like myself, but as I looked to Bellamy as he continued to watch Octavia's now-sitting form, I don't think he realized that Octavia had been grown up all this time.
Later that night:
Bellamy POV:
That was it. That was my baby sister's graduation, although I could hardly call her a baby anymore. After the official ceremony was over, the graduates were lead into a separate pavilion and the friends and family were soon allowed to follow. I tried my best to weave around the crowds, but there was enough chaos as is. It took Clarke's reassuring features to calm me down enough to not shove people out of my way.
Clarke…
Hugging the graduate in question felt something like surreal. We were both adults now and I hadn't had to take care of her for so long, but there was something inside me that just felt like I was losing my sister. She had a degree now and the world was at her feet, so what would she need with her big brother now?
When Clarke and I got back in the car to go to the apartment to set up for the barbeque, that feeling was only made worse when she turned to me and told me that Octavia said she was going to spend some time with just Lincoln before the party that night. I didn't even want to think about what they were doing. Sitting in the car with Clarke wasn't any better. Actually, being anywhere near Clarke wasn't any better.
I knew what was on her mind when we first pulled up to the pavilion, but I was too much of a coward to confront her about it. And that was truly just the problem, I was too much of a coward – that night a month ago, the weeks after that, and today.
How could I just walk out on her? No, not even that… more like run out on her? What kind of a man would deny a woman in that… predicament?
And this wasn't just any woman. This was Clarke – freaking – Griffin. She didn't deserve what happened to her and my coldness towards her. Before that night, I hadn't even so much as consciously thought about bedding Clarke, so why did I feel so ashamed about that steamy night? Sure, she was attractive and any many could see that, but our history of hostility with each other put her in a separate category from 'women I want to sleep with.' Or did it?
But something changed, and I don't know where or when. I also wasn't too fond of finding out when my feelings changed for the infuriating rude girl who lived across the hall.
So, that's why when Clarke and I got home, I went straight to the grocery store and spent nearly three and a half hours picking out the perfect meats for the graduation party. Realistically, it only should've taken maybe a half hour, but there's a certain finesse when it comes to avoiding a specific blonde spitfire.
Needless to say, I was surprised by the elaborate decorations that Clarke had set up. "Wow," I stated upon walking back into the apartment.
"Yeah, I know," Clarke said with a contented sigh, sipping from a cold beer. "What kept you so long? I had to ask a neighbor to borrow a ladder to get that banner up because my resident tall-person was M.I.A."
I struggled with this question for a moment. Oh, I was just thinking about how sorry I was about running out on you when you were half naked. By the way, I want to bend you over the couch right now and finish what we started. It didn't help that she was still wearing the tantalizing red dress from the ceremony, forgoing her shoes.
While the thought was exciting, I instead settled with, "Long lines," and left it at that. We both knew it was a lie.
The rest of the night passed by in a blissful blur. I didn't see much of Clarke and people mostly left me alone as I was settled outside, working the barbeque. The whole group was here and then some, so there was a lot of food to make, not that I minded.
Every so often, Monty would come up and talk to me. Rather, he would criticize me about how I was seasoning the meat wrong or too much, or judged my flipping skills. It took everything in me to not turn around and yell at the poor kid. Who knew he would be so passionate about a few damn burgers and hot dogs?
Other than those small interactions, I was generally left to my own thoughts. This was both a relief and a burden. My mind was filtered with thoughts of the two main women in my life – Octavia and Clarke. One thought was innocent and pained, while the other was filled with longing unease. When I wasn't thinking about my baby sister growing up, I was thinking about the busty blonde who kept invading my dreams. And vice versa. Welcome to the hell I'm living.
"Bell?" a familiar voice asked from the sliding glass door.
"What's up, O?" I asked, temporarily banishing those thoughts from my head.
"Well, for starters," she claimed and took the tongs from me. "I don't prefer my burgers to be burnt to a crisp."
I watched as she flipped the meat that was grilling and saw the blackened crisps of the hamburgers and chicken. "Sorry," I laughed to myself.
"Just don't let Monty see this batch, you're sure to get an earful," she laughed back at me and looked to me with a mischievous twinkle in her eye. "Let Murphy take them home as leftovers."
I smirked at her quip about our surly friend, never one to turn down food, hardly ever regarding the state of it.
"Where's the Jarhead?" I asked lightheartedly. Really, I had come to enjoy Lincoln's calming presence and he was honestly the first guy that Octavia brought around that I hadn't consistently hated. It's not as if we watched football games together and bro-hugged, but if he and Octavia went out on a date, then I could trust him to keep her safe, regardless if she came home that night.
"Out on a liquor run," Octavia stated while sitting in one of the patio chairs and closing her eyes with a slight smile on her face. "And you said these were a waste of money," she said as she got more comfortable, wine glass in hand.
"Yeah, well… there have been many other things in this apartment that we did not need to buy," I stated. "Like that damn painting in the hallway, the one of the Seattle pier and ferry terminal. How much did you even spend on that thing?" Truth was, I didn't even hate the painting, but it was a weird type of décor to have in the Blake household.
Octavia looked at me with her eyes scrunched up. "That was actually a gift to me from a while ago. Clarke gave that to me when I got my Bachelors."
Although I would refuse to admit it out loud, my face began to redden from embarrassment. Obviously, I was just heating up because of the fired-up grill in front of my face. Yeah, that was it. "Why… umm… why didn't you ever tell me?"
"Are you kidding?" Octavia asked.
"No…?" I asked her, still not looking her directly in the eye.
"Let's rewind a couple years," Octavia said, taking a big gulp of her wine. "You HATED Clarke! Every single time her and I would go out, you would groan and try to follow us. There was also the time when you refused to make her breakfast after she spent the night… I had to share mine with her. And remember when you threw all of her clothes out the window when you found them in the laundry basket? Oh, and let's not forget the time when you sliced her hand open with a knife, and-"
"Okay, but that last one was warranted!" I said to her, pointing my spatula her way.
"Regardless," Octavia said levelheadedly with a smile on her face. "You two did not get along, so it was certainly easier to lie about the painting being from an anonymous artist than risk you taking a sledgehammer to it."
I was about to open my mouth and reply to her, defend myself even. But, I found that I couldn't. The feelings that I had for Clarke was nothing resembling hate – I could never hate anyone, especially her. However, I could remember the countless times that I tried to get under her skin, and she would retaliate, all the times that I was frustrated at her and intentionally made her life a living hell. "I never hated Clarke. Ever."
Had I known the elegant and stunning painting hanging in our hallway was a gift from Clarke several months ago, or when it was originally given to Octavia, I would've taken a sledgehammer to it or given it to Goodwill just to mess with the blonde and get a reaction out of her.
But now... Now I felt a new appreciation for the large decor.
"I know," Octavia smiled her devious smile. Somehow, she had just won and gotten whatever she had wanted from me. She stood up and stretched her back, before walking back into the booming apartment. "You should come join the party, big brother," she said while someone simultaneously called her over for shots. Probably Jasper.
Clarke POV:
"Once again, congratulations!" I said into Octavia's ear.
"Thanks Clarke," Octavia hugged me tightly. Almost everyone invited to the party was gone by now, but Octavia and Lincoln had stayed until it was just the four of us.
"If I'm not still drunk in the morning, then I didn't party right!" Jasper had yelled, clambering into an Uber.
As Octavia moved to hug Bellamy, I talked to Lincoln for a moment. "You're good to drive?" I asked him.
"Yes, Officer Griffin," he rolled his eyes. "Would you like me to recite the ABCs backwards?"
I tilted my head downward and let a smirk play on my lips. "No sir, you're good to go."
I briefly looked over to the two siblings hugging as Octavia whispered something to Bellamy, something that made him furrow his eyes. "Seriously, keep her safe," I said to Lincoln.
He need not say anything, but the determination in his eyes spoke volumes.
When the couple left to go back to Lincoln's apartment, Bellamy and I stayed in our respective spots, but I was the first one to break my eye contact away from the door.
Those damn delinquents really knew how to make a mess. This morning, there were no dishes in the sink, but now the sink and surrounding counter top was full of used plates, cups and silverware. "What the hell even," I claimed to myself. I refused to look in the living room, fearing the onslaught of spilled food and overturned board games. Damn Murphy and Jasper and their Monopoly-fueled rivalry.
"Those kids really don't know how to reuse plates, do they?" Bellamy asked, appearing beside me with his hands on his hips.
"I swear, all you need now is a pair of reading glasses and you would be the spitting image of a disappointed father," I laughed at him while going to get started on the dishes.
"Well I'm too good-looking to be a dad, so…"
"Shut up and help me with these dishes," I said to Bellamy. "Next time, we're doing paper plates."
We worked in tandem washing and drying. Sure, we had the dishwasher. But, neither of us brought it up, choosing to be within each other's company. You know, to do dishes. Besides, our neighbors would surely be mad if we started up the dishwasher in the middle of the night.
I couldn't complain. Although my hands started to prune from the water dribbling onto them, I was ever-so-thankful for the warmth emanating from my dishwashing partner. But I really shouldn't have been.
It was well-past midnight by the time everyone left, and with Octavia gone for the rest of the night, I didn't have to pretend.
I didn't have to pretend to be okay with Bellamy; I didn't have to pretend that everything had gone back to before that night.
But then again, wasn't it time to leave the past behind? Sure, it was incredibly embarrassing and hurtful that he would just run out like that, leaving me wanting more but too pained to do anything… Clarke, no. Just, don't go there.
By now, I was scrubbing the plates and glasses so hard that I was rubbing off some of the paint, Bellamy practically having to rip the offended dish from my hands. "What the hell, Clarke?" I merely huffed in his direction, and his stature changed. I could see the puff of his chest loosen and the grumpy look in his eyes changed to something… softer. "What's going on? Why're you so pissed off suddenly? The plate didn't do anything to you."
Sometimes I missed the days where we could just fight each other on everything without that understanding of each other. Sometimes I missed when I didn't have feelings for the man standing over me right now.
And those feelings – those damn feelings – were taking control of me now. Fuck it.
"You KNOW why I'm mad," I said while turning the sink off. There was an inner struggle going on in my head – rationality versus irrationality. The latter was winning the battle though. That part of me so willing to throw all caution to the wind was finally making its appearance, something that was a rarity for even myself.
"You want to do this right now?" he asked, his voice a personification of his barriers going up. "Can't you – we – just let it go?"
"If you really believed that we could just ignore it, then you would've by now," I shot back now. "Why didn't you ever apologize?" I asked, my voice a little more level this time. Things would've been so different if you had just apologized…
"I just… I… really don't know," Bellamy said, sitting down at the kitchen island, his dishcloth hanging over his shoulder, just like at work.
"Seriously Bellamy, what the actual fuck was going through your mind when you just up and left me like that?!" I shot back. He would not even try that victim shit with me.
"You really want to know?" he shot back menacingly. Our matching glares were enough for him to continue, but not before rubbing a hand tiredly over his face. "You… Clarke. God dammit. You had no idea how bad I wanted to fuck you that night."
An involuntary shiver made its way through my body and I tightened my thighs. I said nothing and it took everything in me to keep my stoic features from giving away any vulnerability.
"God, and ever since then…" he stated, almost wistfully. "Remember two weeks back when you came home from work? You were wearing that tight black skirt with heels, and all I wanted to do was bend you over the table and take you right then and there."
His eyes began to darken with obvious lust, and I wondered if my features gave away the same tells. But, I still didn't get my answers. "So what?" I said. "You're a man, I'm a woman. It's simple biology. I'm flattered, really," I said matter-of-fact. Yes, I had been in a very committed relationship for the past several years, but that didn't mean that I hadn't ever fantasized about the older Blake sibling once or twice before. He was conventionally attractive, what could I say? Yet, I found myself more and more desiring the freckles that littered his face, or his dimples whenever he smiled, or even the small crinkles in his eyes. That aside, "You still haven't really answered my question, Bellamy."
He contemplated for a moment. I almost thought he wasn't going to say anything and walk away from this conversation, but no. "We didn't even kiss," he said simply, so low that I almost didn't comprehend. Almost.
"Alright… I'm sure that you've not kissed women before jumping into bed with them before. Why is this such a big deal to you?" I asked, still not understanding Bellamy's reasoning.
"Because you're different."
And that was it; that was all it took for me to understand his side of the story. I wanted so bad to continue asking questions, but feared that he would be unable to hear my words over the incessant beating of my heart.
"And it's so much more than just that first kiss. Clarke… you deserve it all. You deserve a nice dinner date, whatever three or five or ten dates rule, rose petals…" Bellamy began to say before I interrupted him.
"Really, rose petals?" I asked sassily. "Who knew that Bellamy Blake could be so romantic?"
"Yeah, well… I wish I was kidding," he said with a chuckle.
"You could've told me," I said with finality.
"No, I couldn't."
"Why?" I asked.
"Because you just got out of a relationship, Clarke," he stated as if it should've been obvious.
"Yeah, I did. But it was a relationship that I no longer wanted to be in," I backfired.
"I didn't want to be your rebound," he stated in a small voice.
Did I just hit the root of the problem? "So, if I went out and fucked someone right now and came back to you, would that make you feel better?"
"Well, no… and you shouldn't be hooking up with random people anyway," Bellamy said protectively.
"Well then I suppose that just makes you a hypocrite," I stated, crossing my arms and leaning back in my chair.
"Regardless," he said simply.
"Mhmm," I agreed. "This all would've been great to hear about a month ago."
"Yeah… and I'm sorry for that. I shouldn't have been a coward about this whole situation," he replied sincerely.
"You really shouldn't have," I said. "You want to know how I've felt for the past month?" I asked. "This whole ordeal reminded me of the games that Finn used to play and how he hurt me. You fucked with my mind, Bellamy. This past month has been… so fucking… awful. How could you?"
He dropped his head in defeat. Admittedly, casting him in a similar light to Finn was a low blow, but he had to get it through his thick skull that what he did was not okay. "I have no excuse… you must hate me," he said as if he was a small child in trouble.
I rolled my eyes at his dramatic tone. "Bellamy look at me," I prompted. When he didn't, I grabbed his hand in my own and he glanced to me with surprise. "I could never hate you, okay? It just sucked… a lot. You have a lot of making up to do."
"How about breakfast every other morning and I always leave you the last bit of coffee?" he teased.
"You'll have to be a little more creative than that. Though, I must say, I would not be opposed to going to the zoo," I smirked and looked down to our hands.
He nodded and turned his hand over to engulf mine. "I don't want to forget about it," he whispered seriously, both of us fully knowing what we were talking about. Hint: it wasn't the zoo.
"Me neither," I admitted to both myself and him, scared by the prospect that I tried so hard and failed to get the Bellamy Blake sex-capade out of my head. "But, I do have some stuff to figure out for myself, so this," I pointed between the two of us, "whatever this is, needs to be put on the backburner. Just for a little while."
"Makes sense," he stated plainly and let go of my hand gently. "I'll finish up in here, you should go to bed."
At the mention of bed, I unconsciously let out a small yawn and laughed a little. We both got up and he turned his back to me, picking up a glass and drying it. "Goodnight Bellamy," I said quietly while leaning up against his side to give him a kiss on the cheek.
"Sleep tight, Clarke," he replied back, turning his head to look me in the eyes. Our faces were so close – close enough to kiss if one of us would just move an inch closer. I could feel his warm breath against my cheek. Just do it, Clarke…
I turned away, fearing that I would go against my own wishes from not even five minutes before.
As I tossed and turned in bed, and finally heard the click of Bellamy's own door shutting for the night, I was left with one more thought before drifting off to slumber: This self-discovery shit better happen quick, cause God damn, I want to kiss Bellamy Blake.
Yeah? Yeah! I really like the resolution in this chapter. I'm extremely happy with how this second part turned out and hope you feel the same. Please leave a comment about what you think and favorite and follow along the way. Next chapter is already written and ready to be edited, so it will be posted in the near future!
