Chapter 7: Monkey Business
Simon was sitting down at his organ again and back to playing it. He could hardly imagine what had just happened to him and all the trouble that these simple-minded people were causing him. First sending off my employees to Hawaii for a month, then waking me up at five o' three in the morning by singing some weird horrid turtle music, followed by painting the basement with black and pink checkers along with myself, not long after the Australian one takes my locket and starts carelessly fooling around with it, and then the baby-face, Irish girl and hippie start playing that pop-rock crap! What's next?! He was about to find out, for not long after he asked himself this question, he heard another piece of music start. Simon frowned. He knew who was responsible, where he probably was, and more or less why he was doing it. Simon got out of his chair and walked out to the stage to see David and the gang playing all sorts of instruments and singing in what seemed like gibberish. Then he looked at them and yelled "What the heck do you think you're doing?!"
At the sound of his voice, everyone stopped what they were doing. "We're performing the hit internet song I am a Gummy Bear! It's it great?" Then the singing started again: "Oh I'm a gummy bear.
Yes I'm a gummy bear.
Oh I'm a yummy tummy funny lucky gummy bear.
I'm a jelly bear.
Cause I´m a gummy bear.
Oh I'm a movin' groovin' jammin' singing gummy bear.
Oh yeaoooh."
At this point, Simon was pretty ticked off. But rather than killing David right on the spot, he decided to do something else. "Mister Danny! Come forward, please! That is, if you value your life."
I really don't value it anymore, Danny thought to himself.
"Mister Danny!" he called again.
At the second time, Danny immediately took an overly exaggerated step forward. "Right here, sir!"
"Good. I want a word with you." Then he glared at everyone else coldly, and they got the hint to leave. "Now Danny. I understand that you do not enjoy being with the annoying baby-faced, monkey boy that is David Archuleta, do I not?"
Danny looked at him with his attitude-filled green eyes. "You got that right. You think he's bad now? Try living next to him for over ten years and have him be one of your co-workers. He's just as annoying!"
Simon mentally shuddered at the thought of David being so annoying, but he didn't show it. "So you do hate the kid, do you not?"
"Yeah. Why?"
"Because I have another job for you, and I think you will actually enjoy this one if you hate him so much."
Danny perked up a little, then his lips curled into a dark grin and he cocked his head a little "Try me."
Meanwhile, David and Carly were sitting at the tables that she and Michael were sitting at hours ago. They held each others hands, looked into each others eyes and leaned their faces in so that they were cheek to cheek. "Eight years," David said. "Eight years I've been waiting to tell you those words..."
"And today you just figured out that I've had the same feelings for you for just as long," she finished for him.
"Yeah. And to think that..."
"That we hadn't told each other these feelings for so long?"
David laughed. "Yeah. You know, it's funny. We're already..."
"Finishing each others' sentences like in those movies?" Then they laughed together at how silly this sounded, but their laughter was shattered by someone's shadow creeping across their faces and blocking the sunlight that was so recently shining upon their bright faces through the windows. They looked away from each other and found that it was Danny.
"Danny? What are you doing?" David asked. But Danny didn't answer. He walked over to David and took him by his elbow and dragged him away. "Danny? Where are we going?" He still didn't answer. Then he picked David up and pushed him against one of the railings of the lounge that overlooked the stage. David grabbed onto it and held on for his feet were now felt unusually weak as if they'd give way the minute he stood up without anything supporting him. "Danny? What's going on? What are you doing?" He turned his head just enough so that out of the corner of his eye he could see Danny's right hand steadily holding the same whip that Simon used the whip Ryan Seacrest when season two started.
At the sight of this, Carly's eyes widened and she rushed over and grabbed Danny's wrist and held it back. "No!" she shouted. "I won't let you hurt him!"
"What the hell?! Let me go!" Danny shouted. He tried wriggling his hand out of Carly's grasp, but she was too strong.
"Don't you dare think about hurting him!" Then she pressed her foot against Danny's back and twisted his arm.
"Ow! But it's my job to do it! I'm supposed to whip him till he bleeds! Those are my orders!" he cried out in defense.
Then she let go and let him fall limply to the floor. "Then take me instead! I can take anything for him!"
Overhearing what was going on, Simon decided to interfere just like he did before. "Will you now? And what would prompt such an act of charity, Miss Smithson?"
Carly looked at him and her attitude went from one that was almost untamable to one of shyness. Then David, who saw Carly's whole tussle with Danny, spoke up. "Don't do it, Carly. I can take it."
"No you can't David! You're too sensitive!"
"I can take it," he protested.
Then Carly looked at him with a few tears in her eyes. "I don't care if you can take it or not. It'll hurt me! It may not on the outside, but on the inside it'll tear me apart! I don't care if you can take it or not, David! I can't bear to see you in pain! I love you!" Then she gasped at the last words she said. David knew that she'd say that if she didn't stop. He knew she would.
Then Simon stepped between David and Carly and looked at Carly. Then he looked at David. Then at Carly. Then David. Then Carly again. "Might I inquire as to why you, a strong and powerful 21 year old Irish lady chose a small and sensitive 19 year old boy?"
Carly frowned. "It doesn't matter who you are or how old you are, when it comes to love. For as long as you both truly love each other, that's all that matters."
"And if it's not the right one?"
"Well then you should know that, wouldn't you, Simon?"
Then from out of nowhere, Jason came in between Simon and Carly, pointed at Simon and said, "Buuuuurrrrrrn! You got served!" Then Simon and Carly both looked coldly at Jason and he left. Then Carly and Simon changed their look from Jason to each other.
"Look, maybe we can arrange some sort of an agreement so that we're both satisfied with the results. Now I have a suggestion for you: You let David and Jason go upstairs to help Danny out with taking care of your gorilla."
"What?!" Danny shouted in shock. He had enough of David and Jason in the studio and when he went upstairs to take care of Simon's pet, he was actually relieved to be away from them. But if they did the work with him, he knew he wouldn't get any peace.
Simon, however, was interested in this bargain. This part of the bargain would pain Danny, despite the fact that he had somewhat empathy for his hatred against the two idiots. "And in return?" Simon asked.
Then Carly smiled a little. "How about I teach you some moves?"
This time, David was the one to shout in surprise. "What?!"
Carly's comment took Simon by surprise as well. "By that, do you mean...?"
"I'll show you when we're alone. That is, if we have a deal." Then she looked at him and raised one of her eyebrows. "Do we?"
Simon looked at her for a moment, and then he looked at David whose eyes were now almost completely out of their sockets. Then he smirked. He knew this would hurt him. Then he turned to Carly and said, "Agreed."
Once he said this, David's eyes popped completely out of their sockets and rolled jumped around on the floor like bouncy balls. Danny ran over to Simon and started to protest his latest agreement. "But Mr. Cowell! I..." But before he knew it, Simon grabbed his neck and looked at Danny in such a threatening way that he quickly changed his attitude and said, "...would be delighted with showing them how to care for a gorilla." When he said this, Simon removed his hand from Danny's neck and he added, "Speaking of which, we should get started right away." Then Danny walked away and started pushing Jason towards the elevator that he used to get to the gorilla's room.
When he did, Simon walked away and David put his eyeballs back in their sockets and came up to Carly. "Carly? Are you sure you want to do this? I could've taken the whippings. I could've."
"And be screaming about the pain and wait for hours for the stinging to stop?"
Her words took him by surprise. "Well, maybe..."
"Listen David. I've saved you from a worse fate, just be grateful for that."
"I'm not worried about me right now, Carly. I'm worried about you and your part of the agreement!"
"David, I'll be alright. Now you just go out there and do your part of the agreement. I can take care of myself."
"But Carly..."
"Go!" And without another word, he left.
When the three of them finally got upstairs where Simon kept his pet, Danny started telling his two neighbors all about how to take care of the gorilla. "Now first of all, you have to call it over to you by whistling for it so we can get started."
"Okay," David said eagerly. "What kind of a whistle?"
"What do you mean what kind of whistle?"
"Well there's more than one type of whistle, Danny. We need to know which kind in order to get it over here. Now, is it a whistle like a slide whistle? Or a dog whistle?"
"How about a cat whistle?" Jason asked.
"Jason, there's no such thing as a cat whistle," Danny said in a monotone way.
"Yes there is! People used to do it all the time at school whenever a pretty girl walked by. Which is weird 'cause they weren't cats at all but that's what it's called."
"Jason, that's a cat call, not a cat whistle," Danny corrected. Then he sighed and said, "Just watch me." Then he gave a long, loud whistle. Moments later, the floor started shaking and lights hanging from the ceiling started swinging. David and Jason had to hang on to a nearby pole to prevent themselves from losing their balance. Seconds later, they saw the gorilla's huge head come out from inside a closet and show itself. "Now," Danny continued, "We have to check it carefully to make sure that it doesn't have anything stuck in its hair that could irritate it, like a giant splinter or something. So, you guys start looking while I stand over here where it's safe."
"But Danny, aren't you going to show us how to remove a splinter from it in case we do find one so that we won't hurt it?" David asked.
"Hmm, let me think... No."
"Okay then." So David and Jason tip-toed over to the giant beast and started examining its hair. As they did, Danny giggled to himself about his little prank that might actually get them attacked. But his laughter was soon interrupted when he saw David and Jason pulling at a big piece of wood that was stuck in one of the gorilla's hands and couldn't help but to notice that they were doing it all wrong.
"No no no, you dimwits! Back off!" he shouted. Then he walked over to them and started pulling at the piece of splintered wood out of the beast himself. "This... is... how... it's... done!" Then he finally pulled it out, but then he also noticed that when he pulled it out, he pulled off some of the hair that it was attatched to as well. "Oh my God," was all he managed to say before the beast used its other hand to grab Danny and continually pound his head against a hard floor.
When it put him down, Danny limply plopped down onto the floor and David and Jason looked down at him. "Was that the 'don't do this, or else that happens' part of the lesson Danny?" Jason asked.
Danny managed to get up and said, "Sure. Let's go with that. Now, onto the next part. Now we have to feed it this weird, smelly, gooey stuff that Simon made for it. Now I'll go get the food while you two keep it busy."
"Keep it busy? How do we do that?"
"I don't care! Just find something for it to do!" Then he left before they could ask anything else.
When Danny left, Jason turned to David. "David? How do you entertain a gorilla?"
"I dunno. I've never owned a gorilla before."
"Well what do you do with Archy?"
"Well, most of the time I find his favorite fetching stick and play fetch. But I don't know where we would find a..." But before he could finish, Jason already managed to pry off one of his dreads of hair and started shaking it teasingly and whistling.
"Here gorilla-ape thingy! Here boy!" And just like a dog, the gorilla looked at the piece of hair and started watching it eagerly.
"Jason, you're a genius! Throw it and see what it does!"
Jason obeyed and said, "Go fetch it, boy!" Then Jason threw the "stick" as far as he could. And just like that, the gorilla went after it. Seconds later, it came back with the lock of hair in it's mouth, dropped it at David and Jason's feet, and looked at them with a certain look in its eyes the way a puppy would. Amazed by Jason's discovery, David decided that he wanted to try it for himself. He picked it up and did it exactly like Jason.
"You want the hair boy? Do you want the hair? Huh? Well go get it boy!" Then he threw it with all his might. And just like before, it went off, came back, dropped it by their feet, and waited for them to throw it again.
"My turn! My turn!" Jason shouted happily. They took turns for ten minutes throwing Jason's hair to the beast until Danny showed up pushing a giant wooden container full of an odorous pink-orange goop to the beast.
When David and Jason saw Danny with the gorilla food, David looked at the beast and said, "Alright Jimmy. Feeding time!"
"Jimmy?" Danny questioned.
"Yeah. It didn't feel right just calling him 'it' or 'the gorilla,' so we decided to call him Jimmy. We named him after my myself cause that's my middle name. Well, my middle name is James but you get the point," David explained.
"Wait, let me get this straight: While I was gone, you two nimrods didn't get eaten, and decided to name this thing Jimmy?"
"No. We played fetch too."
"Whatever. Now after this, all we have to do is clean the gorilla's... I mean Jimmy's teeth, and we're off. And don't worry about his droppings; I already took care of that."
"Okay," David said understandingly. Then he looked at Jason. "You still have that huge toothbrush and giant tube of toothpaste with you, right Jason?"
"Yup." Then he reached into his left pocket and pulled both of the items out. Then Danny gave him a weird look.
"Jason, what else is in your pocket? Dare I ask?"
"Lots of stuff. Why?"
"Nothing." Then when Jimmy finished his food, David grabbed the giant toothbrush, had Jason put on the toothpaste, and he started to brush all of the rows of teeth that the gorilla had. Then David reached into Jason's right pocket and pulled out a long piece of rope and started using it as floss for Jimmy's teeth.
"Okay, now rinse real good Jimmy. We don't want any germs in that mouth when you go to eat your next victims, do we?" Jimmy shook his head, then he sucked in as much water as he could take from his water bowl, then spat it all out on Danny.
After wiping off the water that Jimmy had spat all over him, Danny said, "That's it. We're done. Now it's time to head back." Then the three of them got into the elevator and headed back for the main floor of the studio.
As they did, David and Jason looked back at the gorilla and saw him waving goodbye. Then they waved back. "Goodbye Jimmy!" David shouted.
"We'll see you tomorrow!" yelled Jason.
That is if I don't kill you two first, Danny thought to himself.
When the three got back to the main floor, David looked around. "Carly? Carly? Where are you?"
He got his answer, but it wasn't the way he expected it. He heard Carly's voice come from somewhere. It said, "Ow! Simon! Not so hard!"
"Sorry. Carly. I'm still getting used to this."
"Well just be more careful next time! Now let's try this again."
"Carly!" David shouted. He knew that the way she said that could only mean bad news for him, so he followed her voice all the way up to the door that lead to Simon's room. He quietly listened in before opening the door.
He heard Carly's voice first. "Are you sure that this is your first time doing this?"
Then it was followed by Simon's. "I'm sure. It's my first time."
"Well you're better at this than I expected you to be." These words broke David's heart. He wished that it was all a dream and that'd he'd wake up soon to discover that they were back in San Francisco and that none of this had ever happened, but he knew that this was really happening. Then the next thing he heard was Carly making a combination of noises all put together such as grunting, gasping and shouting all together. When he heard this, he decided that enough was enough! Then without a second of thought, he took a few steps back, ran as fast as he could, and burst into the room! "Alright Simon Cowell! You can take do me as much bodily harm as you can dish out, but you can not...!" Then he noticed that Simon was holding down Carly against the floor while Carly was trying to wiggle free.
When David burst into the room, Simon and Carly stopped. Then he let go of her and avoided as much eye contact with the two of them as possible. (If David didn't know any better, Simon would have said that he was blushing and was a bit embarrassed to be seen like that with Carly.) Carly straightened herself out and dusted herself off. "Hey, David! We didn't expect you back so early or else I'd have stopped teaching earlier to come out and say hi and stuff."
David was a little confused. "Teaching?"
"Yup. Simon and I were just practicing some cage fighting until you three got back from taking care of the gorilla." Then she turned to Simon. "You know, you're quite good for this being your first time." Then Simon looked at Carly from the corner of his eyes, shrugged casually, then turned away again, his cheeks now growing a rosy pink because of her comment.
"Cage fighting? Oh! So that's what you two were doing!"
"Well yeah. Kristy taught it to me a few weeks ago. What'd you think we were doing?"
David's cheeks turned a brilliant shade of pink. "Well I, I thought you were, uh... I'll tell you later when I'm not as embarrassed for interrupting you two." Then he and Carly left the room, leaving Simon alone.
When they did, Simon's face color went back to normal and he sat down back at his organ. He knew what David thought they were doing and was a bit embarrassed (and disturbed) by the thought of it. He tried thinking of some way to get his mind off of what had just happened. He was desperate enough to try anything. Then something came to him. "Now how does that Changes song go again?"
