Tobias and I stop by the little pizzeria tucked between the busy gunsmith and quirky handmade jewelry store just off the Pit floor. We intend to just get plain cheese pizza for all of us to enjoy but after we walk through the door and the mouth-watering aroma slaps us in the face, I make a quick call to Bridget to check how the kids are feeling. When I hear that they are rambunctious as ever, we decide on pepperoni pizza for them and a gourmet five-cheese thin garlic-bread-type crust pizza for Tobias and me. We also pick up the breadsticks and dipping sauces we all love and a gallon of their specially brewed root beer. I'm not sure what they do to it but it tastes better than anywhere else. After leaving the Pit, bags of food in hand, we slowly make our way up the winding path to the Pire and then finally to our apartment. I open the door and set the bags down on the bench, and the sound of our three children arguing greet our ears.
"Is not!" Tyler yells.
"Is too!" Tessa bitterly says.
"Yeah!" Teagan adds. I push Tobias back out the door, forgetting the bags as I do, and gently close it behind us, hoping they didn't hear us.
"Why did you do that?" he asks, befuddled.
"Is it wrong for me to just want two minutes of peace and quiet before we go back inside?" I ask. I wrap my arms around his waist and rest my head against his chest. I immediately feel his lips in my hair.
"Look on the bright side, love, at least they're all feeling better," he says with a chuckle and I can't help but join him. He's right but I'd be lying if I said I didn't want a quiet evening at home after the afternoon I had in the training room. I lift my chin and his soft lips tentatively meet mine. We move them together slowly as our hands begin to roam over each other's body. I sigh as the kiss deepens, and he slips his tongue into my mouth and seductively strokes it against mine. I nearly fall into the apartment when the door suddenly opens but, thankfully, Tobias keeps me on my feet.
"I told you they was home, Tess," Tyler says with a superior tone.
"Are you supposed to be opening the door, young man?" I ask.
"But I saw you!" he says. "You came in then you left again." Oops!
"Why you out hewe, Mama?" Tessa asks, her head cocked to one side. Teagan comes toddling up behind her brother and sister and smiles brightly when she sees us.
"They was kissing again," Tyler sighs, rolling his eyes to the ceiling like his parents kissing is the grossest thing in the world.
All three of them wrinkle their noses, and the girls giggle and say, "Ew!" Not to be deterred, Tobias, who still has his arms wrapped tightly around me takes me by surprise, dipping me low, and kisses me soundly on the lips, causing our kids to sigh, giggle, and sneer. I could see him doing this in the middle of the Pit when they're teenagers just to embarrass the crap out of them. I wouldn't mind though. When he stands me upright, I'm a little dizzy, and it's not from the sudden movement. That man does amazing things with his tongue.
"Do I smell pizza?" Tyler asks, sniffing the air then sticking his head in one of the bags sitting right next to him.
"Pitsa!" Teagan says as her eyes light up.
"Sticks!" Tessa excitedly adds, also rooting around in a bag.
"Yes, we brought home pizza, breadsticks, and root beer," I say as we usher the kids back into the apartment before elbows start getting thrown.
"Yeah!" they all cheer. I can't help but smile at their enthusiasm. Hopefully, they've forgotten whatever it was they were arguing about a moment ago so we can have that quiet evening I was longing for.
"Hi, Bridget," I say to the pretty, middle-aged woman who is standing near the sink, busily putting the clean dishes away as we all walk into the kitchen. Her dark auburn hair is in its usual bun at the base of her skull but a few strands are sticking out haphazardly, indicating it's been a trying day with my kids. She turns her jade eyes my way, and they are very tired. "How were the kids today?"
"Angels," she says but she always says this. I imagine they could burn the apartment down and she'd still say they were angels.
"You look tired," I say. "Are you sure they aren't running you ragged? I could give you a day off."
"That's not necessary at all, dearie," she says. "I stayed up late last night reading a new book. I just couldn't put it down. As a matter of fact, I can't wait to get back home and pick up where I left off."
"Kids, come say goodbye to Bridget," I say. They come running up to her and wrap their arms around her. They love her, and I'm thankful for that. She hands out kisses, hugs, and see you laters then tells us she'll see us on Monday.
"Tyler, Tessa, Teags, go get washed up for dinner," Tobias says and they all sigh dramatically. "If you don't do as I ask, there will be no supper, and you'll go straight to bed." Their eyes widen as they look from their father to me and when I raise my brows they each start to move. Tyler drops the container of ranch dressing he's holding to the floor but thankfully he didn't get the lid off yet so no harm comes to the area rug beneath the table, and he dashes into the empty powder room. When he beats Tessa, he turns and sticks his tongue out at her. He's definitely feeling better.
"I saw that Tyler," I say, giving him a disapproving look.
"Sorry, Tess," he mumbles then he lets her in with him so they can both wash their hands. Teagan struggles to get off the chair she climbed up on and stumbles, bumping her head.
"Mama!" she cries. Tobias reaches her first but when I'm within arm's length she leans over and reaches out for me. I take her, and she rests her head on my shoulder, sobbing quietly.
"You're all right," I say.
"Huwt," she says pointing to the red mark on her forehead. I kiss the booboo, and she smiles through her tears.
"Did Mommy's kiss make it feel better?" Tobias asks her.
"Huwt," she says to him with a huge frown on her face, pointing at it again, indicating that he's supposed to kiss it, too. He leans over and gently places his lips to her forehead, and I reach out and stroke his cheek. He's such a wonderful father. His eyes slide to mine then he gives me a soft kiss.
"Can you go wash your hands now?" I ask and she nods. Tobias and I kiss either side of her head, kissing her stray tears away then I let her down.
"Walk!" we both say at the same time as she runs towards the now empty powder room. It would be like her to bang into the island or something and start crying all over again.
"I'll get everything ready," he says. "Why don't you make sure she doesn't really hurt herself?"
"Okay," I say. He kisses my temple then I rescue our daughter just as the stepstool she's standing on tips over.
"Oh!" she says, wide eyed.
"Are you okay?" I ask.
"Yeah!" she giggles. I carry her out into the dining room once her hands are dry and sit her in her booster seat. "Poni pitsa peas!"
"One slice of pepperoni pizza coming right up," I say. I get her a slice of pizza and one breadstick and cut them up into bite sized pieces.
"Tanks!"
"You're welcome," I say as I kiss her head. I sit in between Tessa and Tobias and grab a couple slices myself. I'm famished.
"Mommy, Daddy, can I tell you something?" We nod, looking at him. "I want a baby brother," Tyler matter-of-factly says, making me sputter and spit out the bite I just took.
"Are you all right?" Tobias asks as he pats my back.
"Yeah," I say as I finally catch my breath. Brother? Where is this coming from?
"No!" Tessa yells, her hands on her hips. "I wanna sistew."
"Bebe seeter, peas!" Teagan pleads. I think she's siding with Tessa on this issue, although I'm not 100% sure. She's not the easiest child to understand.
"Whoa!" Tobias says, holding his hands out in front of him. "Who said anything about having a baby?" He looks at me and says, "Did you forget to tell me something, Tris?"
"No," I chuckle. "Believe me, you would be the first to know. Why are you three asking about baby brothers and sisters?
"I want a baby brother," Tyler mutters, glaring at his sisters. "It's not fair Tess has a baby sister."
"I … not … bebe," Teagan frowns.
"You're Mommy's baby," I softly say, knowing what her reaction will be and sure enough, she shakes her head.
"I big giwl."
"I forgot," I say. "You're Mommy's big girl just like Tessa."
"See!" Tyler pouts. "I want a brother who I can play with. He could come into my room whenever he wanted and everything. I wouldn't even yell at him." Yeah right!
"You have what Tessa has," Tobias says. Tyler looks up at him skeptically. "You have a younger sister. As a matter of fact, you have two younger sisters. Tessa and Teags neither one can say that."
"That not the same," he pouts. "When can I have a brother?"
"It doesn't work that way," I say. "If Mommy were to have a baby it could just as easily be a girl. You could end up with countless baby sisters."
"Yeah!" Tessa and Teagan say, clapping their hands. Tyler frowns at me so I look at Tobias and beg for help with my eyes.
"What Mommy means is that even if we were to have a baby, it won't automatically be a boy," he says. "It could be a girl." That's exactly what I just said. Tyler looks up at us with light shining in his eyes like he just thought of the greatest idea ever.
"Can you adopt me a brother?" he asks. Dear Lord! I think I'd rather have him ask me for a puppy.
"No, we aren't adopting any other children," Tobias says, shaking his head.
"Why not?" he whines.
"Tyler, what brought this on?" I ask. "Did something happen today?" He shrugs his shoulders, which he's really becoming an expert at.
"It's just … Tess always has someone to play with," he says. "I don't."
"You could play with Tessa and Teags," I say. He looks at me like I've quite possibly gone mad and will be escorted off in a straightjacket at any moment. "It's not against the law to play with your sisters."
"But they like … girl stuff," he says, disgustedly. Oh, the horror of it! "They never want to play dinosaurs, cars, or army men." Unless he's not looking, that is, and then they can't stay out of his toys.
"Girls, would you like to play with Tyler?" Tobias asks. They look at each other.
"No," they say in unison. So much for help from the peanut gallery.
"Why can't you adopt me a brother," he says, pouting. "I'll love him and take care of him and he can sleep in my room." I swear he's giving us the same speech he gives us when he asks for a puppy, which at the moment I'm inclined to give him. If he says he'll feed his brother and walk him, I swear I will lose it.
"You and Tessa are extra special and so easy to love that's why we chose to be your mommy and daddy," Tobias says. "We aren't going to adopt anyone else. I'm sorry." Tyler thinks about this for a moment, and I can almost see the wheels turning in his mind.
"You choosed me and Tess?" he asks.
"Yes, we chose to be your mommy and daddy," I say. "We adopted you. You know this."
"So, you didn't want Teags?" Tyler innocently asks and Teagan frowns at him, rightfully so. As horrible as that sounds, I know he's not being malicious.
"Mommy and Daddy wanted Teagan very much," I say. "We loved her the minute we knew she was going to be born."
"She's just as special to us as you are," Tobias says.
"Is that why she was in your tummy, Mommy?" he asks.
"Hew was in you tummy?" Tessa says, aghast. "You eat hew?" Her eyes are as wide as saucers.
"No, I didn't eat her," I say, trying to hide my amusement. She doesn't like it when I laugh at something cute she says because she thinks I'm laughing at her, which couldn't be farther from the truth. "Babies come out of Mommy's tummies."
"How hew get in tummy?"
"Bebe tumtum?" Teagan asks, with her hands held beside her head as if to say, where is it?
"You were in Mommy's tummy but there is no baby there now," I say. How did we get to talking about this? "Mommy and Daddy's love put Teagan in my tummy." I sure hope this is enough of an explanation for now.
"Is your love going to put another baby in you tummy 'cause … I want a brother?" Tyler asks and both girls bob their heads up and down excitedly in agreement.
"Someday," I say at the exact same time Tobias says, "Probably not." Whoa! My eyes meet his, and I realize we have a problem that I didn't know exists … a big problem. He doesn't want any more babies with me? What changed? This can't just be about the preeclampsia scare with Teagan. I push my plate away, suddenly not hungry anymore and watch Tobias do the same. The rest of the meal is quiet as the kids enjoy their now cold pizza and breadsticks but they don't seem to mind and there's no more talk of baby brothers or sisters … thankfully.
"Who wants to watch a movie?" Tobias sullenly asks after we finish supper and the leftovers are put away.
"Me, me, me!" Three little arms go up as they jump around excitedly.
"Can you guys do me a favor?" I ask. They all look up at me and nod. "Can you agree on what movie to watch?" They start spouting titles one right after another, and I'm not sure they'll ever agree.
"If you can't decide, I'll be forced to choose and there's a documentary on athlete's foot I've been dying to see," Tobias says. I don't know how he does it but he manages to say that with a straight face, and within two minutes we're gathered on the couch watching Finding Nemo.
I usually really enjoy this movie but my heart just isn't in it tonight. All around me is laughter and joy, and I feel like a dark, suffocating shroud has enveloped me. I let my mind drift back to my many conversations with Tobias about children over the course of our relationship. I didn't even know I wanted kids until I fell in love with him. I remember being so scared when he first brought up the idea of adopting Tessa. I thought of every reason under the sun why we shouldn't do it. I thought he was nuts. Now I can't imagine my life without her. I remember being terrified when Zander told us that we were going to have a baby of our own. I wasn't ready. It wasn't the right time. But he helped me through my abject terror and little Miss Teagan Grace is the best of both of us. I remember when Tyler called me Mommy for the first time and tears wet my eyes, blurring the picture on the screen that I quite honestly didn't know I was still looking at. That should have been one of the happiest days of my life but instead the city tried to take my son from me and my world fell apart. I thank God every day that Ellie Black grew a backbone and I could officially call Tyler my son. I have them all because of Tobias, and I'm thankful but now he's taking the possibility of more away just like that, no discussion, no nothing.
The end credits roll and I plaster a fake smile on my face so my kids won't see that I'm upset. I notice that three sets of eyes are drooping. They must have played hard today after resting the two previous days, so another movie is out of the question tonight. I help the girls into Tobias' arms, being careful to avoid his gaze. I know that we have a lot to talk about but now isn't the time. As he carries the girls upstairs, I give Tyler his third dose of antibiotic for the day then carry him up to bed.
"Mommy?" he asks after I've helped him into his pajamas and tucked him in.
"Yeah, Buddy?"
"Are you okay?" he softly asks. "You seem … sad."
"I'm just tired," I say, my voice wavering slightly. Tobias and I try not to let the kids see us as anything other than a united front. Our problems, big or small, should never be their problems. "It's been a very long, stressful day."
"Was it wrong to ask for a brother?" he asks.
"No, it wasn't," I say, sweeping his bangs off his forehead and out of his eyes. He needs a haircut, too. "It never hurts to ask for what you want but you don't always get what you ask for, which is a tough lesson to learn sometimes. How you handle the disappointment shapes you into the person you will grow up to be. Is there a reason besides Tessa having a little sister that makes you want to have a baby brother? I know what you said earlier but if there's another reason you can tell me."
"I want my own Teags," he says with a pout. Aha! He's jealous. I'm surprised it's taken this long.
"My sweet boy," I say. "Tessa and Teagan are really, really close in age. That's why they are so close. They're practically twins. Everybody knows that! If Mommy and Daddy gave you a baby brother today, how much older than him would you be?" He looks at me confused. "How old are you?"
"Four," he states.
"That's right. You would be at least four whole years older than him. Do you really think that in two years when you are six and in school with all kinds of friends that you would want your 2-year-old little brother hanging around all the time no matter how much you love him? How do you feel about Tessa and Teags coming into your room?"
"They break my stuff," he says overdramatically.
"Do you think a little brother wouldn't just because he's a boy?"
"I don't know," he says.
"Little brothers can be just as annoying as little sisters. I know, I have one," I say and he giggles. "How are you feeling? Is your tummy better?"
"Mm-hm," he says. "My ears and throat don't hurt no more either."
"I'm so glad to hear that," I say. "I love you, my sweet boy," I lean in and give him a goodnight kiss, "to the moon and back."
"Love you to the moon and back," he says around a yawn then he reaches out and gives me a big hug. "Is it okay if I still want a baby brother, Mommy?"
"Of course, it is. Sleep tight, buddy," I say. I kiss him again, make sure his nightlight is on then head to my bedroom. I'd love nothing more than to give you a baby brother, Tyler Aaron.
"I was afraid of that," Tobias softly says, making me jump. I had no idea he was around.
"What?"
"I could tell by the sick look on your face earlier that you want another baby," he says. "Tris … love … you know we can't ever have another child."
"I don't know what you're talking about," I say, slightly confused and more than a little hurt hearing out loud what I sensed was running through his mind.
"You just said you'd love nothing more than to give Tyler a baby brother." I did? I walk past him, not ready to talk yet, and into the nursery. I kiss Teagan and Tessa's heads after tucking them in then make sure the baby monitor is turned on. I softly close the door behind me then look up at my husband. I need time to get my scattered thoughts in order.
"I need some air," I say. I grab the receiver off the nightstand and head up to our rooftop oasis. I have no idea if he follows or not and right now, I simply don't care. I stand at the edge of the roof behind the line of planters, staring out at the lit cityscape thinking about what might never be.
"The sad truth is that if our son hadn't asked a simple question we'd be downstairs making love right now," Tobias says from right behind me.
"What's the point of making love if we're never going to have any more children?" I coldly ask.
"Wow," he says. I can hear the thick disapproval in his voice. "Can we at least talk about this?"
"Haven't you already made up your mind?" I ask, trying to control my runaway emotions. I feel irrational tears pricking the back of my eyelids.
"Yeah, I guess I have," he says after a long, silent pause. "But you have, too."
"Then what's the point of talking?" He sighs loudly and cusses under his breath. I hear his footfalls as he walks away but then he stops and stomps back to me. He grabs my arm and whirls me around.
"We are going to talk about this, Tris. I'm not going to let you push me away," he angrily says. I take a deep breath, knowing that he's right.
"Fine," I mutter. He releases my arm and I instinctively rub the sore spot where his fingertips dug into me. I walk past the fire pit and sit down on the rattan loveseat, and he sits next to me. "This is our family, right?" I spit, catching him off guard.
"Of course, it is," he says, defensively.
"What gives you the right to make unilateral decisions for us then?" I ask, pain obvious in my voice. "I'm glad Tyler asked the question. It made me realize just exactly what I want."
"You want another baby," he says. I take his face between my palms and stare deeply into his eyes, looking for what I don't know.
"I want what you promised when you proposed to me down in the chasm," I say. "'I want to make love with you and have that love turn into a house full of children.' Isn't that what you said?"
"Yes, but that was before I knew what I know now. If I did, I'd never have made that vow," he says. "You know how much I love Teagan. She's my little mini-you, my princess. I'm proud to be her Daddy but being pregnant with her put a terrible strain on your body. I don't know why I can't get that through to you. You. Could. Have. Died. I could have lost you … and her. Tyler and Tessa could have lost their mother."
"I am fine," I implore. "I'm right here, baby."
"But if you get pregnant again, the risk would be even greater, and if I lost you because of something I did, I don't know how I would survive."
"If, if, if," I mutter. "We don't know there would be problems."
"And we don't know there wouldn't be either," he sighs, just as frustrated with me as I am with him. "I love you, Beatrice Grace Eaton, don't you get that? And I've nearly lost you so many times that I've lost count. You walked out on me when you found out about Evelyn; we're lucky we were able to move past that. Cameron gave you death serum … death serum, Tris; technically, love, you shouldn't be here right now. My father and Peter kidnapped you and gave you memory serum; we're lucky it only made you sick. It could have erased us forever. That crazy doctor shot you; luckily, it was just a flesh wound. I hate to think what could have happened if he had better aim. Drew injected you with the Frankenstein serum that killed so many others; thankfully, you were able to fight it off and return to me. Olivia stabbed you, which left you in the hospital for weeks. She nearly killed you; I thank God every day you made a full recovery."
"I understand where you're coming from. I really do. You don't want anything bad to happen to me because you love me, and I love you, too … so much," I softly say. "But I want you to at least seriously consider us having a baby. I think you owe that to me."
"We have three kids already, Tris," he says. "Isn't that enough?"
"There's a logical part of me that says, yes, I should be satisfied with what I have and that I'm being selfish right now for putting my own wants and needs above yours," I say. "But what if you're the one who's being selfish by taking away the possibility." We stare into each other's eyes, at an impasse. "What do we do now?"
"I don't know, love," he says. He puts his arm around me and pulls me close. "I don't know."
